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Title: The Lone Gunmen Babysit III: TV Junkies Summary: The Mulder-Scully twins and Frohike go channel surfing. Author's Notes: Thanx a bunch to Shaina for getting me to write and even writing some parts for me! Music Notes: "One Week", performed by the Barenaked Ladies "Save Tonight", performed by Eagle-Eye Cherry. "I Love You", performed by the huggable purple dinosaur.
"Let's watch TV!" two-year-old Alexia said. "Okay. What government sattel...I mean what channel?" "I don't know, Fwo. Wallie, what do you want to watch?" Walter spoke when called. "Let's watch that new cartoon, umm... "...Foul Park!" Lexie and Walter simultaneously shrieked with joy at the mere mention of the popular show where poor, innocent, probably-sewer-mouthed-if-we-could-ever-understand-him Kurtzie gets killed in new and gruesome ways every week. The kids settled down comfortably, Frohike following suit, but with louder,cracking noises from the couch. A silence fell across the group, except at intervals of excited gasps from the twins, who were positively revelling in the pre-pubescent antics of Stew, Fartman, Kris,and the ever-popular, ever-fatally doomed Kurtzie. Most of the jokes had to do with bodily functions, therefore Frohike was engrossed just as much as the children. Near the end, Stew puked on the shoes of his girlfriend, Mindy Testhotdog. While the kids laughed until they cried, Frohike was crying for a different reason. He had done the same thing in grade school...and in junior high....and in college. It all too well reminded him of Jillian Handason screaming at him that he was a "clumsy, freaky idiot" and of countless other girls doing the same. Hey, it wasn't his fault that he wore a retainer and that the back part had made him gag just as he was asking her out! "That was funny!" Lexie said. "Yeah! Let's watch toon again," Walter voiced. "NO! Please! Not again! I beg of you!" Frohike got on his knees and pleaded for mercy from the twins. "Otay! Let's watch music!" Walter and Lexie said. "Sounds good. I'll turn it on." Frohike changed the channel. On the TV was a man with a goatee in an orange car being chased by another car. Chickety china, the Chinese chicken Click. Lexie groaned. "He sings too fast. Let's watch something else." Frohike flipped through to the next music channel. The video showed men who were the same person, a clerk, a robber, a truck driver, and a bum. Save tonight, fight the break of dawn. Click. Walter was the one to whine. "Fwo, there's too many one person! New channel!" "Okay, okay. Hold on." Frohike changed the channel. A big, purple dinosaur was surrounded by kids, and they were singing a horribly cute song. Alexia and Walter jumped up. "YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! BAAARNEYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!" I love you "AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make it stop! Make it stop! Plee-hee-hee-eeze!" Frohike threw the remote at the TV. It hit the power switch and turned the TV off. "Turn the TV back on, Fwo!" Lexie screamed. "No, Barney might still be on!" He brought his voice down to a whisper. "Barney is scary!" "No, Fwo, Barney is gone now," Walter said, patting the older man on his back. Frohike looked at the little boy questioningly "Are you sure?" "Yep, he's gone. Let's go get our Beans, sissy." "Okay, Wallie," Lexie answered. The twins went into the back to get their Beans. Frohike thought to himself. 'What in the hell are 'Beans'?' Alexia and Walter came back, Alexia carrying a stuffed bunny and flamingo, Walter carrying a stuffed deer and swan. Frohike was intrigued; he had to know what they were. "What are those, kids?" "They're Beanie Babies, Fwo," Walter said. He held up the deer. "This is Whisper, and this is..." He put down Whisper and picked up the swan. "...Gracie." Frohike started to pick up Gracie. "Mine!" Walter screamed, and smacked Frohike's hand. "OW! That hurt, Walter!" Walter, who had obviously not learned the concept of sharing, said "Well, you didn't ask." "I'll remember next time. Lexie, what do you have?" She showed Frohike the bunny. "This is Ears!" Alexia said, making Ears sound like a cross between Eeyore and éclair. She put the bunny on Frohike's head and showed him the flamingo, which seemed strangely familiar to him for some reason. "Day gave me this one. Her name is Pinky." "Pppp-PINKY?" All of a sudden, the horrible [to him] memories of that day 4 years ago. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FLASHBACK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Mulder was very nervous and he was lying. "Well...I've had this waiting for months now...you're just going to love it." He pulled out Pinky. "Ohmigod! It's a flamingo Beanie Baby, my favorite animal! Look, a Post-It, it says 'Look on Pinky's foot. Love, Fox'" She pulled off the note and looked at the foot. When she saw it, she practically fainted. It was an engagement ring! Mulder pulled it off the flamingo's foot and said "Dana Katherine Scully, you stole my heart when I met you 5 years ago, and I can't get you out of mind. Will you marry me?" Scully gasped and said "Ohmigod" at least 4 more times, after which Frohike DID faint. ~~~~~~~~~~~~END OF FLASHBACK ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Frohike groaned and did a repeat performance of his faint, Ears the rabbit fell on top of his face. "Hey, Frohike took a nap. He must be sleepy." Walter laughed and thrust the flamingo in Frohike's face Alexia giggled and picked up her bunny. "Let's go watch TV, Ears!"
15 minutes later Frohike struggled back into consciousness. Groggily, he sat up and asked "What happened, and why does my head hurt so friggin' much?" "You saw my Pinky, and took a nap, Fwo!" Alexia turned away from the TV and giggled. "See?" She held up the hot pink flamingo. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Put it away, put it away!!" Frohike screamed and put his hands over his eyes. Alexia looked hurt. "You don't like Pinky?" Frohike didn't answer. This made Alexia mad, and like her father and mother, you DON'T want to get Alexia Margaret Mulder mad. And when she got mad, she threw a tantrum "WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! You hate Pinky!!! I hate you, Fwo!!!" Alexia banged her fists and rolled on the floor, crying until she had no more tears. Then the calls started. RIINNNNGGGGG!!!!!!! The phone, which consisted of an alien head cradle and a spaceship reciever, was busily making a humming noise that Frohike assumed to be the sound of an aircraft landing. "Could you please tell the nice little girl to be quiet? My friends and I are playing parcheesi, and we cannot hear one another," a sweet old lady's voice inquired polietly. "Sure thing," said Frohike,desperately hanging on to the cord as Lexie bit his foot. "You stupid Fwo! How coud you not wike Pinky?" she shrieked. Walter decided to get in on the act,and added his two cents towards shattering the glass in the windows with his lung velocity. Frohike thought fleetingly that if he ever wanted to be an announcer at the Super Bowl, they wouldn't need a single microphone for him. "Mean! Mean! Mean!" the kids started a chant in unison, and simultaneously karate chopped his feet. "Dat's for Pinky!" "YEOW!" he screamed. The phone rang again. "Like, dude, did you want fries with that pizza?" "What?" he exclaimed. "I didn't order any pizza!" "No fries?" He slammed the UFO reciever down,just before it began to ring again. "Hello?" he screamed into it. "Is your toliet running?" some kid snickered. Frohike stopped to consider this. "Well, it's working right now, but I think Langly used it a couple hours ago, so it might be kinda stopped up. Are you a plumber?" "Oh,never mind," the unknown prankster said in disgust, and hung up. Lexie and Walter were perched on the counter,having had found an interesting little device in the bedroom."Look! It's Day's noisemaker!" Walter exclaimed. Indeed it was. Scully carried around a pull-the-pin screamer when she was on duty,the kind that people used to scare off assailants, kind of like a verbal mace. And now,the twins were about to remove the safety lock. "Noooooooo!" he screamed. "Don't...!" Too late. Ear splitting shrieks filled the apartment. Over the noise,he heard the phone ring. "What?" "Raaffa rung foff!" "What?" "Rurn ra ring fof!" "What?!?" Suddenly, the noise stopped. Byers and Langly were standing by the counter,the former with a disapproving look on his face, the latter's expression being more prone to a gleeful state. "TURN THAT THING OFF!!!" screamed the sweet,little old lady. "Before I come over there and rip your bloody head off!" Stammered Frohike, "Um,would my head be bloody before or,uh,after you,um...." Such utter profanity he had not heard since high school lunches. He slammed the phone once more,consequently breaking the reciever. Mulder wasn't going to be too happy. The End
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