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Title: Fear Summary: Mulder and Scully evaluate each other's lives. 11:31 pm Often I wonder how this all will end. I can't work there forever; so, what's next? Husband? Children or rather adopted children? Do I want to adopt, I mean do I really even want children? I always believed you would meet someone, get married and then you would want to share something special with your husband. That something special is a child. Something that was a part of both of you. But if you adopt it's technically not a part of either of you. I know that sounds selfish, but that's how I feel about the issue right now. And what am I talking about - I need to find my husband before I can even start thinking about the whole adoption issue. I wonder who or what was Emily's father? How long did she grow inside me? In my medical opinion she was never inside me, but I want to believe for a brief second we were connected in that way. Mulder really pisses me off - he could wink at a girl and she would probably take HIM out to dinner and then some. I, on the other hand, have to listen to all my girlfriends yap about their husbands and children. They both make me so jealous I want to scream. Most guys are afraid to approach me - I carry a gun and my face naturally falls in a "pissed off" look. My mouth is in a constant pout -it's not my fault- and it feels weird to make myself have a smiley face all the time. It feels fake, contrived, like I'm trying too hard. It's funny, in my opinion; I look physically better now than I ever had; yet I get fewer dates than I ever had. I would like to think it is my beauty that intimidates them - right. Damn, stop thinking so much and just go to sleep. Next Day "Mulder what are you going to do next?" "About Skinner's request?" "No... I mean when you leave the FBI." He looks at mean with trepidation. "Why do you ask?" I think he is afraid that I am telling him I'm about to leave. "No reason, it's just you can't do this forever? Can you?" He lets out a puff of air, "No I guess not. I don't know what I'll do. One day at a time, Agent Scully." I shrug and look down at the file in front of me "What do you think you'll do?" "Medical stuff, I guess." He mimics me, "Medical stuff, I guess? Scully, what's wrong?" I pause - should I tell him? Do I want to invite him to my Pity Party? Oh, why the hell not he's invited me to more than I care to count. "I'm lonely." He nods his head slightly then with a psychiatrist's face he asks, "And working here attributes to your loneliness?" I shrug again - I seem to be doing this a lot lately. "I think I've stopped caring," I tell him. "About the X-Files?" "About life in general, I guess" "Do you want to know what I think? Really?" "Sure." "I think you're depressed." I throw him a 'no shit' look. He responds, "No, I mean clinically depressed." "Manic?" "Maybe" "All because I said I've stopped caring?" He nods I laugh for a second, "yeah, I guess that kind of statement does make me sound suicidal." He smiles sadly at me. "Mulder, I don't think I've ever been in love." He opens his mouth to say something, but I keep talking, "I mean I know my parents, friends, and you love me" He nods "and I love them and you, but I've never had... had a... sexual relationship where I am in love. Do you understand?" "Yes" "I want to be in love and have someone love me. An unconditional love. God this is hard to put into words." "Scully you'll. . ." "Mulder don't start to tell me that I'm a great person and I'll eventually find someone who loves and appreciates me, because I am beginning to get feeling that I won't. I mean when and where am I supposed to meet this someone? I don't frequent bar or other social scenes and I travel a lot. I'm not blaming anyone in this, but I've just come to accept the fact that I will be that old lady with the 100 cats that all the neighborhood kids are afraid of: 'Don't go to close to old lady Scully's place. She'll hit you with her cane'. I know this sounds like self-pity and it is, but... " "You're lonely and you want to be loved" "Basic humans needs. And I can't even get them." "You'll be surprised how many people feel the same way as you." "Great. Maybe I'll join one of their support groups." That came out a little more sarcastic than I intended it to. "Scully can I ask you something pretty personal? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but when was the last time you had sex? Just sex?" I bring my head down so that my forehead is resting on top of the file and take deep breath. He quickly speaks, "never mind. Don't answer that." I shake my head so that my forehead is now rolling back and forth across the file. I mumble into it, "About two years ago. And that's just what it was: Sex. Fulfilling a need." "So you didn't sleep with Ed Jurse?" "No. I just got tattooed and almost burned alive with him." He smiles, "So how did you meet Mr. Sex?" I laugh and lift my head, "My mother set us up. He was the son of one of her bridge friends. God if she knew that I did..." "First date?" I close my eyes and nod "Ever have a second?" "No, thank God." "Embarrassed?" "No, the sex was bad," I say in a small voice. He nods slowly. I want to knock his head off. "I'm not a slut." "I'm not saying you are." "I know - I'm just reminding myself." "Were you looking to just have sex with him when you accepted the date? I mean why did you agree to go out with him?" I rest my chin in the palm of my hand and think - it was almost two years ago. "Beside pleasing my mom, I wanted to go on a date. Jesus, that sounds desperate." "No is doesn't. What did you do on the date?" "Movie and dinner. Classic first date." There's a couple seconds of silence then he spoke, "What...How did you..." "End up fucking him?" I finish for him "If you want to put it that way. Yeah." "We saw a depressing movie, it made me depressed and I went on this date to feel good. So I had a couple glasses of wine at dinner, invited him up for coffee and . . " I wave my had in the air to finish the statement. "What movie?" Strange question, "Glen Gary, Glen Ross" "That'll do it. What happened after coffee?" I smile at him, "He went to leave, kissed me goodnight, but it felt so nice I didn't let him leave." He looks at me. I know he what he is thinking: I've worked for 5 years with this woman and I had no idea. "The Secret Life of Dana Scully." He looks surprised. I did know what he was thinking. We both smile. "So when you were done using the stud what happened? What'd he do?" "He fell asleep instantly - there's a shocker - then I got up went to the bathroom, threw up dinner and went to sleep. I will say this - I was expecting him to be gone in the morning, but unfortunately he wasn't. He was too nice in the morning acting like we were a couple - it freaked me out. I scared him away." "Do you realize what your problem is?" I'm confused and he can tell "You're afraid of what you want." "Excuse me?" "You're afraid of your 'sexual love'" "How so?" I challenge "You wanted him to leave. You slept with him so you would never have to see him again. You felt bad about it; that's why you threw up. But when he was still there in the morning willing to go on with the relationship, you turned ice cold on him and scared him off. The sex WAS good, but you couldn't deal with the commitment. He was a nice guy who was interested in date number two and that terrified you, scared you to death." I want my gun. I want him dead. I want to yell. I stand up to do so, but instantly fall back into the chair and start to cry. I never ever cry. I think: I am ice cold. God help me. "You're right," I say between breaths. Over and over again. I start to calm down, that's when I realize I am sitting on one of his knees his other is on the floor. I don't even remember how I got from the chair and on his thigh. My arms are even around his waist and my head is buried in his neck. Boy, he smells good. I take two deep cleansing breaths. Abercrombie and Fitch's Woods - the cologne. He can tell I've stopped crying. He stands us both up, turns, and sits in the chair, still keeping me in his lap. I keep my head hidden, I can't look at him. Poor Dana Scully afraid of love. He must of read my mind because the next words out of his mouth are, "I'm afraid of love, too." I stay quite. "I loved Phoebe and she taught me never to love anyone so openly again. So I have my videos." I start laughing hysterically. He laughs with me, "Hey, at least it's the safest form of sex." I nod against his chest. "Dana, we've both have built up these walls around us. It's almost a job requirement that we do. We've . . You've got to take things slowly. Love isn't instant, but we have to be willing to try. You need... well, you need a lot of foreplay, so to speak." In that brief monologue he's used my first name and alternated between 'we' and 'you'. "Easier said than done, Mulder." "I know, but who said love is easy?" "We're just full of cliches aren't we." I don't want to leave his lap. My arms stay around him. His hands start to rub up and down my back. Tears begin to well up in my eyes again. What's wrong with me. "I need help." "Maybe you do." I continue to inhale his cologne. I knew there was a reason I went in that store and never bought anything. It smells like him. "I don't have time to see a psychiatrist. I can never really open up to them anyway - I spend most of my energy trying not to cry." "Do you want to talk to me? You can talk to me, if you want?" "I want... " I take a deep breath, "I want to love you." At least I think I do. His hands stop moving and the welled up tears in my eyes fall quietly. He must have felt my tears soaking through his white shirt because he whispers, "Please don't cry." I remove one of my arms from around him and start to dry my eyes. "You already love me," he says. "And a love you." "But not in a sexual way." "That's true, but I think what we have is deeper. Sure having the sex aspect would complete your definition of love, but the sex wouldn't be an addition it would replace another element. I don't know which one, but it would." Give me a shovel. "That's crap. You're just as scared as I am. You said so yourself." "Dana Scully, reverser of the tables," he laughs. I smile and for the first time lift my head from his chest. To my surprise I see that his eyes have watered up. We stare at each other for what seems like eternity. Finally he speaks without breaking eye contact, "Your eyes always drawn me in. They're beautiful." Any other day of the week that would have been a perfect one-liner, but the way he said it, it was just different. "Yeah, well, your bottom lip has always drawn me in." It's so true. He tucks his bottom lip into his mouth. I chuckle and close my eyes. "You can't keep your eyes closed forever." Keeping my eyes closed I respond, "I can wear sunglasses, but there is no way you can hide your bottom lip forever." "Yeah, but I can get the upper one enlarged to make them even Steven." I open my eyes and give him my famous 'get serious, Mulder' look. "Scully, you and I both know that it would never work. I love you to much to chance it by being in love with you." "This is what I meant by not caring anymore, Mulder. What you just said is par for the course. Of course we couldn't be 'in love' it's way too scary for both of us. This is depressing." He holds me tighter and whispers in my ear, "Dana Katherine Scully, no woman has ever scared me to death the way you do." "Mulder? Do you want to come over for coffee sometime?" He laughs and lightly kisses my ear. "I'd love to, but one night stands aren't my thing. I'm more of a phone/video kind of guy." "You know my number." "Number one on my speed dial. Do you have a camcorder?" "As a matter of fact... " He interrupts, "Shhhhh." I've never wanted to kiss anyone so much in my entire life. I don't want to be afraid. Don't be afraid Dana. Don't. I keep repeating this chant to myself that I must have said part of it out loud. "I love you so much that the fact that you slept with some guy over two years ago makes me jealous to no extent. I don't want to fear my love for you." "We both need help" "You're preaching to the chior, Scully." "Kiss me, Mulder." "I don't think that would be a good idea." "Please." Christ, Dana, when did you become a beggar. Could you sound more desperate? "Desperation doesn't become you, Scully." "Quit reading my mind." "Can't help it - I know you too well." "Let me up, Mulder." He releases me and I feel my bones chill instantly. I go to the door and grab my jacket. I look back at Mulder who is still sitting in my chair. "Promise me we'll grow old together." "Defiantly. I'll buy the house next door and we can terrify the neighborhood kids together." "Sounds like a plan." I put my coat on and leave. II. She's left. I want to run after her, but I stay in her chair. I can still smell her aroma around me. If this office is bugged some bigwig just got an ear full. I bet they never expect this when they assigned her to me. What frightens me the most is how open and honest we just were. We said things that were always known just never spoken. Will this change anything? How do I act tomorrow? Like nothing has happened? I want her. I bet she's great in bed - a take charge kind of girl. You can just tell, the bitchy types are always the best. I shake my head - I need to get out. It's 5:15 and I've stayed late long enough this week. I grab my coat and briefcase and head out the door, locking it behind me. Mulder's Apartment I hold my phone and my fingers graze over the buttons. Her voice 'You know my number' rings through my head. Instead I dial 1-900-HOT-BABE. Next Day I can hear her approaching. Act normal I tell myself. She opens the door and sheds her coat. She's wearing my personal favorite black pants suit. Great for when it comes to chasing down mutants and crawling in air ducts. She turns and looks at me - her eyes look so sad. I wonder, 'Did she sleep last night? Did she cry herself to sleep?.' "Hi Mulder." I give her a half smile, "Good morning. I brought in bagels. They're over there. Help yourself." In a small voice she responds, "Thanks." I watch her fix a bagel. When she's done, she goes over the 'her' desk and powers up her laptop. I watch her without letting her know I am. After a while she speaks, "I need to leave early today." It's Friday. "Ditching out for a long weekend?" "Something like that. Is that OK with you?" Retract the claws, Scully. "Yeah, who am I to stand in the way?" She shrugs. "Are you going anywhere or doing anything particularly exciting this weekend?" "I'm going to the beach to see a friend." "Sounds fun." She nods. This is going nowhere. I guess its back to normal with us - yesterday never happened. So I pick up a RFF form and show it to her. She glances up at me after she scanned the document, "Your asking the Federal Government to fund a trip to St. Johns to investigate a hotel owner who claims to have seen his dead wife on TV? Mulder, you're dreaming." "Kind of a stretch, huh?" "Yep. Nice try though." She hands me back the form without looking at me. "Yeah, well, I thought the Virgin Islands would be fun." "You and every other agent." I crumple up the Request for Funds form and throw it in the trash. I plop down in my chair and pop a sunflower seed in my mouth. "What beach?" "Huh?" "This weekend. Where are you going?" "Oh.... Wilmington." "North Carolina? That's a drive." "I guess, but I'm flying. Being partnered with you has let me rack up on the frequent flyer." "The airline is letting use your frequent flyers miles on such a short notice." "Yep." "Used the old I work for the Government and I'm a preferred flyer?" "Uh-huh" I feel like I am having to pull teeth to get her to talk. This conversation is stupid, but I want her to... - I don't know - tell me she loves me again? "Well I'm sure you'll have great weather. Who's the friend?" She places her hands on her desk on either side of her laptop. She's still staring at her screen. "What is this the Spanish Inquisition??" "What the hell is your problem?" Ok now I'm pissed. "I was just curious. That's all." "Why? So you can call me all weekend like you did when I went to Maine?" I get up and leave the office. I know that's running away, but it's a hell of a lot better than what would happen if I stayed. Is it her time of the month? Does she regret what happened yesterday? Why is so painful for us to talk to each other? I ask myself these and other questions as a roam the building doing meaningless tasks. I don't come back until after lunch. She's gone. Her coats gone. I guess she left. Why do I feel like I've been abandoned? All weekend I use every ounce of will power not to call her - I finally break down. I'll just hear her say 'scully' then hang up. She'll know it's me, but what do I care. I dial. It rings once. "The cell customer you are calling is not answering at this time. Please try again later" Damn - she would turn her phone off - what if this was an emergency? Bitch. Monday It's 11:00. Where the hell is she? I call her apartment and get her answering machine. There's a long beep so I can tell she hasn't check her messages in a while. I call her cell phone and get that same damn recording. As a last resort I call Skinner's secretary. "Assistant Director Skinner's office." "Yes, it's Agent Mulder. Do you happen to know where Agent Scully is?" "Actually she told Assistant Director Skinner that she wouldn't be in till next Monday." "She taking the whole week off?!?!" "Yes sir." "Did she leave a number where she could be reached?" I hear rustling of papers. "Yes. It's 1-213-370-3627." "213? Isn't that LA?" "Yes sir, she's at the Hilton in Beverly Hills." I can tell by the tone of her voice that she thinks I am nuts because I don't even know where my own partner is. "Thanks." I hang up. What the hell is going on? I'm disgusted with my next though. I want to fly out there and spy on her. The Secret Life of Dana Scully is taking on a whole new meaning. Get a grip Mulder. But before I know it I'm on the phone booking a flight to LAX. Beverly Hill's Hilton 8:00pm PST I look like a fool. I'm sitting in the Lobby with a newspaper hiding my face, facing the elevators hoping to catch a glimpse of her. It's a Daily Variety. I have no interest what so ever in the Hollywood Industry. It's just as well because I'm too busy acting like a psycho. Finally she comes out of an elevator. She looks great, relaxed. She smiles at me - Oh shit - I'm busted. I'm about to put down the paper when I see some guy go up and kiss her on the cheek. My heart starts beating double time. They link arms and leave. Of course - I follow. They walk into the hotel restaurant/bar. He's shorter than me - probably about 5-8. He has brown hair - lighter than mine. I watch them eat, laugh and drink from a dark corner of the bar. What am I doing here? She looks so happy. Seeing me would only bring her down. They get up to leave. Don't follow them, Mulder. But who am I kidding of course I do. To my shock he doesn't leave he gets in the elevator with her! He's going to fuck her! I can't breath. I'm in shock. Someone call the hotel doctor. I start to think, 'of course they're going to do it. She's here for a week to obviously see him. You don't fly across country for good conversation - that's what phones are for.' Defeated, I hang my head and head up to the room I've reserved for myself. Next Day I woke up a 6 am and headed down to the Lobby. Has Joe Cool left yet or will they leave together? I wait. The staff thinks I'm crazed. But what do I care - this is LA - everyone here is crazed. You know what's so funny? Is that this is all her fault. If she didn't dump her problems on me the other day I wouldn't care less about her vacation and she probably won't have lied to me about where she went. Around 9 she, once again, emerges from the elevator - alone. He must have left in the middle of the night. Bastard. She's wearing an almost see-through pale yellow skirt, white tanktop with a white button-down shirt over it and brown sandals. She has a cute metal headband with small butterflies holding back her hair. She looks about 25. I follow her out of the hotel. She stops suddenly and spins around to see me. Busted. She just stares at me. Earthquake. An earthquake would be real nice about right now. "I saw your reflection in the sliding glass door," she explains. I nod. "Why?" I shrug, "You said you'd be back on Monday. You said you were in Wilmington, North Carolina." She walks towards me till we're toe-to-toe. "I was, but then I came out here." "Why didn't you at least tell me?" "I don't know. I just wanted to be alone." Right, I think to myself, that's why you got horizontal last night. She brings me out of my thoughts, "How long have you been here?" "Since yesterday." She nods and begins to walk. I follow. "Were you ever going to make your presence known?" she asks. I don't know? Was I? "Go home, Mulder." I stop and she stops. I let my finger graze over her headband. "Was it good? Were you happy he left early?" Her face slowly registers what I am saying, "Screw you." She storms off. "I think that was his line." I say trotting after her. This conversation is going to get ugly, but I don't care. I grab her shoulder and spin her around to face me. I've cracked. No wait, that noise was her hand making contact with my cheek. I let go of her arm. We're both breathing heavy, my cheek hurts, but I am not going to let her know that. I want to hurt her. I'm the bastard. I lean in so we are eye level, "If you want to find love, flings in Hotels usually don't work out." "Thanks for the advice, Mulder." "Just looking out for your well being." "Yeah well, if you bothered to spy on me a little longer - you would have seen him leave about half an hour later." "Only half an hour. How much does something like that cost you in LA?" She lets out a sound that sounds like a cry and put the back of her hand over her mouth. Shaking her head she tells me, "I hate you. God, I really hate you." "Good!" "You're so stupid. So stupid. The man - that man was Charles." Charles?? My brain starts spinning. Charles? Who the hell... Oh Shit!!! "Yeah, my brother, you asshole." I'm speechless and still praying for that earthquake. She tell me again, "Go home." I nod and walk off. We'll never be the same. And it's all my fault. After a few paces I turn and look back - she's still standing there looking down at her feet. I see her shoulder's hiccup. I wish I had my gun because I want to kill myself. I've made her cry - I've ruined her perfectly good mood. I walk back to her and put my arms arm her - she does not return the action, but she doesn't push me away. "I AM an asshole. I'm so very very sorry. I'm leaving, but not until we get past this." "I don't think we ever will." She speaks the truth. "Come on." I wrap my arm around her and lead her down the street. "Where are we going?" "I don't know. Where were you going?" "I was just going to walk around." "Dana Scully don't you know that nobody walks in LA?" "So what do you suggest?" A spin us around so that we are walking back to the hotel. Once we are in the lobby I tell her to wait here. "Actually, I'm going to go up to my room and clean up - I'll met you back down here in a couple minutes." "Sure." When she returns I dangle a set of keys in front of her. "You rented a car?" "Convertible," I clarify. "Mulder, but what if our heads get cut off?" Well at least she back to her snide remarks. "I'm willing to take a chance if you are?" She nods and we are off to the parking deck. I find our car - a red Ford Mustang- and open the passenger door for her. She looks at me like I have two heads then smiles and gets in. I love her. I climb in my side and grip the steering wheel, "I'm really sorry about all those things I said. I was angry and I had no right to follow you. I feel like a fool." "Good." "Well at least we agree on one thing. Where to?" She pauses for a second, "Let's go shopping." She is really going to make me pay. "OK, but where?" "Melrose." I throw her an odd look. The Secret Life of Dana Scully. "What?" "I don't know, it's just Melrose stores don't tend to carry FBI Agent type clothes, that's all." "So - can't work for the FBI forever." "No, but I doubt club hopper with be your next profession." "You never know. Just start the car Mulder." Melrose Avenue I watch her shop. She buys a pair of extremely high heel black strappy shoes. I want her to fuck me with those shoes on. "CFM" "What?" I say "CFM -Come Fuck Me" I choke, "What!?" "The shoes - CFM. You wear these and they say CFM." "Oh." She smiles. She's teasing me - her revenge. I can play too. "Plan on wearing them to work?" "Only in front of Skinner." She winks and walks out of the store. The sales girls smiles at me as I try to regain control of my legs so I can follow her. When I catch up to her I ask, "So are we going to get a CFM outfit to go with the CFM shoes?" "No - I already have one." "Bring it with you?" "Yes." We continue to walk, "Plan on wearing it?" "Why - would it work?" "I don't know. I'd have to see the outfit." She nods and looks at her watch. "It's noon. Hungary?" That question holds double meaning to me right now, "yes." We walk to a small cafe and take a seat outside. She start talking, "I was in Wilmington visiting a friend from medical school, I didn't want to return to DC; so, I called my brother and asked him if he had time to see his big sis." I nod. "He doesn't have the trademark Scully red hair." "No, he got the brown hair from my mom." "What's he do?" "Works for E! Entertaiment Channel" "I love Talk Soup." "Me too. John Henson is adorable." "Sunk Boy." "I'm going to visit him tomorrow at work - want to come?" "Love to." We both have a sandwich and leave. "OK - now it's your turn. What do you want to do?" she asks. "Lets just drive up the PCH. I mean we do have a convertible and it's a nice day." "Sounds good." And it was. III. It's almost 12:30 in the morning. I can't sleep. Why did he come after me? Because he loves you, he worries about you, I remind myself. I should be mad and I was, but it didn't last long. He was jealous and Lord knows I would have been too. I continue to stare at the ceiling. Ironically, his room is directly above mine. He's on top of me - I smile at the thought. I have a strange desire to jump up and hit the ceiling - see if he'll hear. But I'm too short. Before I know it, I'm in the hall and walking up the fire escape to his floor. When I get to his room I stare at the door for about a minute. I'm in my pajamas - cute ones too. They're pale blue & white gingham boxers with a small white v-neck cotton shirt. The person across the hall comes out of their room and their presence scares me into knocking on Mulder's door. A moment later he opens the door with sleepy eyes. "Hi," he says with a hint of surprise. "Can I come in?" "Sure." He steps to one side. One side of his bed is messed up from his sleeping body. I climb into the other and close my eyes. I can tell he's wondering what the hell I'm up to. After a few seconds he climbs in next to me. I'm turned so I'm facing the middle of the bed. He must be too because I feel his fingers start to play with the hair around my face. I smile, but keep my eyes closed. "You OK?" he asks. "You seem to be asking me that a lot. (pause) Yeah, I just couldn't sleep down there." "OK." I feel myself start to drift off then his voice wake me, "Can I hold you?" He's my prince. I nod and feel him scoot over and wrap his arms around me. My nose is buried in his bare chest and, on their own, our legs begin to tangle. He has such a beautiful body. I want to tell him that. He kisses the top of my head. "I'm glad I didn't go home." "Me too," I mumble before I fall asleep. Tuesday, April 7th I wake up and can instantly tell his arms are no longer around me. I slowly open my eyes so they can adjust to the sunlight coming in through the flimsy curtain. He's looking right at me with his head propped up by his hand. I suddenly feel embarrassed. "How long have you been watching me sleep?" "Not long." Liar. "What time is it?" "Almost 10." "You're kidding!" I sit up. "I told Charles I would meet him at eleven and I still have to shower. Shit. I'm going back to my room - meet me in the lobby in 45 minutes. OK?" I've said all this while making my way to the door. I turn around and look back at him still in bed. He' s silently laughing at me. "What?!" "Nothing. Just Good Morning to you too." "Sorry . .. Good Morning. See ya soon." And I bolt out of his room and up to mine. E! Entertainment Corporate Office "Hey Scully if we're lucky maybe we'll see John Henson." I nod and walk up to the receptionist. "Yes. Can I help you?" "Yes I'm here to see Charles Scully. I have an 11 o'clock appointment." "And you sir?" she asks directing her question to Mulder. "I'm with her. Fox Mulder." She gives him a funny look and types in our names. "I'm sorry I only have a Dana Scully registered as a visitor." "Oh. He doesn't know he was coming." "Well I have to get Mr. Scully's permission to admit Mr. Mulder. I'll call him. Hold on." She talks to my brother for a while and then gives both Mulder and I a badge to wear. "Go down that hall to the elevators and up to the 22nd floor." "Thanks." We enter the elevator and both make a move to press the 22 button. "Sorry," he apologizes as he moves his hand back to his side. "Well, Mulder you're about to meet the man I was 'doing it' with two nights ago." "Hey, why go across the street when you can go across the hall?" "Ha - ha." When the elevator doors open on 22 my brother is there to greet us. He looks good. "Dana!" He hugs me and lifts me slightly off the ground. Sometimes I forget that I am the older one. "Hey Charles. This is my partner, Fox Mulder. Call him Mulder." Charles and Mulder shake hands, "Nice to finally meet you; I've heard a lot about you." Mulder gives me a funny look. Charles notices it. "Not from her, our mom." "Oh." "Anyway, let me give you a quick tour, then we can eat lunch." "Sounds great." I follow my brother and instantly feel Mulder's hand on my lower back - guiding me. I turn, look up at him and smile. I don't think I've ever done that. "Hey Charles, is there any chance we'll see John Henson?" "No the show is on hiatus this week." I hear Mulder mumble, "Damn." After the tour, Mulder went to go get the car for lunch. Charles leans down to me, "I thought you said you weren't seeing anyone?" "I'm not." "Then what's he doing here with you?" "I don't know. Maybe he was bored too." "Does mom know?" "No. And it's not your place to tell her because nothing is going on." I'm starting to remember how annoying little brothers can be. He lifts up his hands a defensive position; "I wasn't going to say a word. Relax. I like him. Bill tried to fill my head with crap about him, but whatever." Bill and Charles never really got along. I think it has to do with the fact they were born into two different generations. "Well thanks for judging him on your own." "No problem." At that moment Mulder pulled up with the car. Like the tour, lunch was great. Mulder and Charles continued to hit it off. And of course, Charles just had to tell him stories from my childhood. Christ, my family will never let me forget my damn nose ring. And then Mulder just had to add, "Well she's got a tattoo now." I kick Mulder under the table and drop my head down. "Dana Katherine Scully! You rebel." Charles shakes his head in a mock disapproval. "Anyway, Megan is awfully sorry she and the kids couldn't make it to dinner last night. So how about you and Mulder come up to our house in Malibu for the rest of the week? It's ridiculous for you to stay in that overpriced hotel." Mulder was the first to respond. "I wouldn't want to intrude on a family gathering. I'll stay at the hotel." "No way. You play basketball?" Mulder nodded. "Well I play with a bunch of guys every Thursday night. Come stay with us and play." Mulder looks at me. "You're sure Megan doesn't mind?" I ask. "Dana if I don't come home with you - it's sofa city for me." Mulder laughs. "OK we'll come. Wouldn't want to deny my younger brother sex." "And I wouldn't want to deny my older sister either." I throw Charles a 'watch it' look and notice Mulder squirm in his chair. I guess I set myself up for that one. Later Mulder and I check out of the hotel. "Are you OK with this?" he asks as we get into the car. "Yeah. No problem." I'm not a very good liar. "Got the directions?" "Yep. Put the pedal to the metal, Mulder." He chuckles at my sad attempt at humor and drives off. God bless him. "So give me the run down on the Charles Scully clan." "Charles has been married to Megan for six years. They have twins, 5, Katherine and Sterling." "Sterling?" "Family name. Megan's. Anyway, she just started back at work. She's an ad exec and they are filthy rich." He nods. The sun is setting to our left and his profile looks beautiful. Luckily, because of my sunglasses, I can stare at him at make it look like my gaze is directed somewhere else. As we get closer to Charles' I find myself getting a sick feeling in my stomach. Butterflies, big time. We're going to be trapped together for at least 4 more days. Turn the car around, Mulder, I want to go home, back to my little apartment where I can hide from you. Too late, we turn onto Charles' street. "You weren't kidding when you said they were rich. My god, look at this house!!" "Showy, if you ask me." I respond. After growing up in houses just big enough to fit the entire Scully clan no wonder Charles bought a house you could get lost in. "Jealous?" "No. Would you like to clean that house and mow the lawn." "Scully, that's what hired help is for." I nod. I want to stop this pointless conversation; plus, Katherine has just run out to greet us. "Aunt Dana, Aunt Dana!" I can't get out of the car fast enough. She's instantly all over me. I can hear Mulder laughing. "Hey Katherine. How are you doing?" "Great. Thanks for the necklace for my birthday. Did you get my thank you note? Is this your boyfriend?" "Yes I got your note and no this isn't my boyfriend (stressing the word the same way she did). This is my friend Mulder. Mulder, say hi to my favorite niece, Katherine." They met and by this time everyone else had come out. Introductions were made and we finished up the evening grilling hamburgers out by their pool. Finally, a question I had been dreading was asked. "Dana, do you and Mulder want to sleep in the same room?" Mulder must have heard Megan as he was approaching us with more margaritas. "If you don't mind. No sense in messing up two rooms. Scully, you think you can keep your hands off me?" I wonder what sort of scene I would cause if I stood up and knocked his lights out? Megan, the whole time, is giving me a knowing glance. Of course I've got to be a respectable young lady, "Are you sure that would be a good idea with Katherine and Sterling around?" "Please, your room is all the way at the other end of the house. Total privacy." I don't like how she said that. I'm trapped and I don't like that either. "Fine," I say turning back to my drink. I've got to get drunk. Good thing they're strong. Later that Night The minute I hear Megan's footsteps retreat down the hall from our bedroom I spin around to face Mulder, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "Huh?" I mimic him to clarify. "'No sense in messing up two rooms. Scully, think you can keep your hands off me!?' Let me just remind you whose vacation this really is." "You want me to go?" I just stare. Part of me wants him to go and the other wants him to hold me. While I'm thinking he continues, "Well you obviously don't want us sharing a room." He leaves. I can hear him opening other doors in the hall. Then he comes back, picks up his suitcase and starts to leave again. "I'm scared," I whisper. "What?" He really didn't hear me. I repeat, "I'm scared." "Of what?" "Sharing a bed with you." And then some. "You didn't have a problem last night," he says in a soft voice. "That was different." "How?" "I don't know." He stares at me not believing. "I don't!" I stress. He sighs. "OK. If you want to join me, I'm the second door on the right. All right?" I nod. "No questions asked, just crawl on in. I won't lay a hand on you." I nod again as he turns for the door. Just before he hits the hallway he looks over his shoulder and adds: "Not unless you want me to, that is," and winks. I roll my eyes. I love it when he purposely lightens a heavy mood. "Good night, Mulder." "Buenos Notches, Seniorita Scully." IV. I wish I had kissed her in the office when she asked. Truthfully, though, I'm glad I didn't. Talk about taking advantage. Plus, I don't think I can afford to cross that line. See, there's a very thin line between loving Scully and being IN love with Scully. Right now I'm walking that line; and losing my balance. I just wish I knew which way I was going to fall. It makes me think of little girls plucking petals off of flowers: he loves me, he loves me not. But, in this case it's I love her - I'm IN love with her. She won't come to my room tonight; she has way too much pride. It's nice to know that she is just as terrified as I am. Damn the Bureau. Damn the men who assigned her to me. Damn myself for being afraid. I can hear the ocean faintly through the window. I get up and open it to get the full effect. I wonder if Scully has done the same thing? The lull of the waves finally puts me to sleep. Wednesday, April 8th I wake up after a great night of sleep. Well, besides last night when I had Scully in my arms. If we had sex would I call out 'Dana' or 'scully'? She'd probably call out 'Mulder', but is she even a screamer? I'd have to say she's most likely a moaner. She holds back when it comes to emotions. The thought of her actually screaming in orgasm is kind of funny. I look at the clock. Holy shit, it's 10:45. What did Charlie do - slip me a mickey? I throw on a T-shirt and go out into the hall. Scully's door is open; so, I try to find my way to the kitchen. Damn this house IS a maze. I can tell after wondering around that nobody is at home. Charles and Megan are most likely at work and the kids are probably in school, but where's Scully? I finally find the kitchen. The coffee is still waiting for me and there's a note: "Breakfast is the in fridge. I'm out by the pool. - Scully" I walk over to the fridge and there is a plate of assorted fresh fruit waiting for me. You can't get stuff this good in DC. I make a cup of coffee, pick up the plate and make my way out to the pool. Scully is lying in a lawn chair with an umbrella shading everything, but her legs. She has her sunglasses on; so, I can't tell if she's asleep. "It's about time you woke your sorry ass up." She's awake. "But you have to admit it's a cute ass," I respond as a climb into the lounge chair next to her's. She smiles. She has on a bright blue one piece that is cut high up her leg. She not a super model, thank God, and I can even make out a few tiny cellulite dimples on her thigh. I thank God for those too. She looked so wretched when she was sick. She looks absolutely beautiful now. I remove my shirt, put the fruit plate in my chest, and eat. "I'm not moving from this chair all day," she proclaims. "What if you have to go to the bathroom?" She glances sideways at me and I shrug my shoulders. I finish breakfast and lie in the sun. There is a steady breeze so I don't get hot. "Thirsty?" "What?" I must have dozed off again. "I'm going to get something to drink. You want anything while I'm up?" "Yeah. Whatever you're having." I watch her walk towards the house. She's short and has hips: completely not my type. Why do I always date sticks? Sure they look good from a distance, but the sex is like being with a... a stick. I fling myself up from the chair and jump in the pool. The water feels great as I swim a couple laps. On my way back to one end of the pool, I see her legs. Now I have a goal. I could win any race if she was waiting at the other end. I pop out of the water and stand right in front of her. She's taken her sunglasses off and I stare at her blue eyes that have been brought out by her suit. It makes me think of that Peter Gabriel song. I put my hands on the pool ledge on either side of her. She places her hands on my chest, very slightly holding me back. I'm still staring. The only sound is the water from my hair hitting the pool. Finally, I realize neither of us is going to crack; so, my immature self emerges. I grab her shoulders spin her away from the wall and dunk her. She comes up, smoothes back her hair and spit a mouthful of water at me. This, of course, means war. After a minute of dunking and splashing each other, she swims away. I climb out of the pool and find a glass of iced tea waiting for me. I take a sip - orange spiced flavor. Then I feel her arms slip around my waist and her body presses up against my back. I will never figure her out. One minute she's sneaking to my room in the middle of the night, the next she wants me out, and now she's clinging on to me. I turn in her embrace and hug her back. I put my chin on top of her head, "hungry?" She nods. "I'll go make us something to eat." She nods again, but doesn't release me. I rub her back a couple times then we let go. Very strange, but not that I really mind. We spend the rest of the day lounging around the pool. I don't ever want to go back to work again. If this state wasn't full of earthquakes, forest fires and mudslides, I might consider moving here. Around 3:30 a neighbor drops off Katherine and Sterling from school. They come out by the pool and instantly tell Scully and me all about their day. Katherine pulls out some design made out of macaroni and hands it too me. "I made this for you." It's elbow macaroni glued in a sad, but cute attempt at a heart. "Thank you very much, Katherine." Scully gives me a glance. So the girl has a crush on me - I'm irresistible. "Are you going to marry Aunt Dana?" Sterling asks. How do I answer that one?: "Yes I want to, but I can't??" So I try humor, "Are you kidding? If I married her, I'd have to put up with family members like you." I smile. Katherine pouts then jumps up into my lap. "Don't you like us?" "Of course I do. I'm just teasing you." I tickle her. She laughs. "Good." "Hey Mr. Mulder? Come play Sega with me," says Sterling. "OK. What game?" "Basketball." "You're on." He kicked my ass. Four times. By the time we emerge from the playroom everyone else is home. We go out to eat., and when we come back, Scully suggests we take a walk on the beach. After walking a while she speaks: "Mulder, I'm still depressed." "I'm sorry." What do you say to that? "Anything I can do?" "I don't think so. I'm beginning to think this really is an illness. One minute I'm up, the next I'm down." "When we get back to DC I can recommend some people for you to see." She nods. "I hope this is just some mid-life crisis, biological clock thing." "Might be." We both know that's only a small fraction of it. I take her hand, she doesn't object so we walk on in silence. Thursday, April 9th We slept alone, again. I woke up and found Scully in the living room curled up on the couch reading a book. "Good Morning, Sunshine." "Morning, Mulder. There're pancakes in the warming drawer for you." "Thanks." I grab my meal and sit on the couch by her feet. "Let me tell you there are definitely some advantages to being filthy rich. So, what's on the game plan for today, tour guide?" She smiles, blushes actually. "What?" "You want to know what I really want to do?" "Yeah, it's your vacation." Please let it be two words: first word 'make' second word 'love'. "Disneyland." "Disneyland?" She nods. "OK. Let me finish eating then I'll get dressed and we'll go." She smiles, with teeth. I almost never get one of those. Disneyland was actually kind of fun. I tried to make Scully puke on the Mad Hatter TeaCups and then we rode Space Mountain about 4 times. The Star Wars ride was my personal favorite, though. I would have made an excellent Rebel Fighter Pilot. Scully disagrees. She thinks I'm more like Han Solo: a cocky man who hangs around with furry animals. From Scully I take it as a compliment. She has a thing for Harrison Ford. When we get back to Charles' it's about 7:00. Katherine greets us at the back door. She sees the Disneyland bag and with both a hint of jealousy and disappointment, as she cries, "You went to Disneyland without me?!" "You were in school, sweetheart," Scully answers. "But we did get you this," I add, reaching into the bag to pull out a Minnie Mouse hat with her name stitched in the back. I place it on her head and kiss her cheek. She throws her arms around my neck, "Thanks Uncle Mulder." When did I marry Scully? "No problem kiddo. Where's Sterling? We got one for him too." Megan and Charles had a charity function with Hollywood bigwigs to go to; so much for that basketball game Charles used to lure me here. Instead, Scully and I made dinner for us and the two twerps. It took all our energy to get them into bed. Finally, we collapse on the couch together. I grab the remote and start flipping channels. We rest on ER. I look over at Scully during the closing credits - she's asleep. I pick her up; she stirs a little, puts her arms around my neck and goes back asleep. When I lay her down on the bed she doesn't let go of my neck. "Stay." I pull back the covers and crawl in with her. "Hold me, please." I wordlessly put my arms around her. She starts to remove my shirt. What the hell is going on? "Take off your shirt; it smells like a theme park." I remove my shirt and rehold her. "Mulder? Thanks for being my best friend." Her voice sounds little. Like she's trying not to cry. "Ditto." "I don't know why I'm like this." I back away slightly so I can look at her face. "We'll figure it out. Don't worry, it causes wrinkles." "Fuck wrinkles, Mulder. I... I..." She can't finish because she's crying. I sit up and take her with me, rocking her back and forth while I stroke her hairline. I made her like this. Me and my obsessions. I just had to drag her in to my own personal hell. She deserves better. She deserves that husband who knows just how great she is. She deserves her own children. She deserves better than me. She finally calms down and lies back down, staring at the ceiling. Her eyes look dead. I get up and go into the bathroom. I start to fill the bathtub. When it is good and ready with rose scented bubbles I go back into the room. She's sitting up. "Come Scully." "What?" "I drew you a bath. It will make you feel better. . . for right now." She gets up and drags herself into the bathroom. I start to leave. "Where are you going?" "I didn't think you wanted me to watch you strip. Call me when you're buried in the suds. OK?" She nods. After a few seconds she calls my name. I walk back in. The tub is deep and is sunken in a marble ledge. I sit by her feet. All you can see is her head, her eyes are closed. "Thanks Mulder." "No problem." I reach in and find her shin first and she jumps a little in surprise. I move down to her foot. "I just want to rub your feet." I pick up the rose gel, place a little on my hands and start to rub her right foot. I hear a little sigh from her. "I think we walked that entire park at least a dozen times, Scully." "Baker's dozen," she adds. After a while she removes her right foot from my grasp and puts her left one in my lap. "Demanding little bitch." She smiles and opens her eyes. Once again, we find ourselves in a gazing match. "Scully, what would you say if I got in the tub with you?" "I'd say, you better keep your underwear on." "Deal." I strip down and climb in. She puts her feet on my chest. I start to rub her ankles and calves as I watch her sink lower into the tub. When the water got cold and our figures had turned into prunes I get out, "I'm going to put on some dry clothes. I'll met you back in your bed. If you'd like?" "Uh-huh," comes her tried response. When I come back in, the lights are off and she's in bed facing the window. I climb in and spoon up behind her and she snuggles further into my lap. She has on a small gray tanktop and underwear. Is she purposely trying to kill me? "Goodnight," I kiss her temple. As I close my eyes, all I can hear is her breathing and the water going down the tub in the bathroom. V. Friday Morning, April 10th 8:30 am I hear thunder, it's getting louder and louder. Finally my brain registers that it is feet: four feet, two little pairs to be exact. Before I know it, both Sterling and Katherine have thrown open the bedroom door and are jumping on my bed. "Aunt Dana, Uncle Mulder, wake up!" They scream. I slowly sit up. "What is it?" Mulder also moves up into a sitting position, "What's going on?" He rubs a hand over his face. He looks so young in the morning. He puts an arm around me and leans me into his chest. Sterling comes up and lays down next me and Katherine climbs on top of Mulder. He lets out a muffled noise. "Remember we don't have school today because it's Easter." I nod. It's actually Good Friday, but I'm not in the mood to correct them. "Do you really have to go home tonight?" Sterling asks. "Yes we do." I answer Katherine grabs on to Mulder's waist. She's got it bad for him, but at least she's got good taste. "Will you come swimming with us at the beach today, Uncle Mulder?" He stokes her brown hair and looks at me. I nod. "Sure thing Katherine," he responds. "Hey Katherine? Want to play airplane?" "Uh huh." "OK. Go get at the end of the bed." She scrambles to the end of the bed and Mulder kicks his feet out from under the sheets. "All right, put your stomach against my feet and give me your hands." She does. "Ready?" "Yep." I watch as he lifts her into the air making airplane noises. I really wish I had my camera. Sterling bounces up from his prone position and starts jumping up and down, "Me next! Me Next!" He shouts. Katherine is laughing hysterically as Mulder pretends that she is going to crash. All of a sudden this becomes a little too Norman Rockwell for me. I feel my smile start to fall; it slowly becomes harder for me to breathe. What's wrong with me? The loud noises they're making seem miles away. I uses the last of my energy to hit Mulder with my left hand. I end up tapping his hip. I turn my head to see if he felt it. He quickly glances at me and I watch his happy face fall. I'm still trying hard to maintain my breathing. Then everything goes black. My eyes are closed but I hear noises. Katherine crying. Megan trying to calm her down. Mulder telling medical information about me to someone: "She's in remission for a sinus nasopharengial... Charles' voice: something about my mom. Then my feeling returns. I have an oxygen mask on, I'm in a bed. Which bed? I open my eyes. I'm still in my room. There are paramedics around me. "Dana, can you hear me? Blink twice," one of them asks I blink twice, I think. I look around desperately for Mulder; I feel him grab my hand. He's on the bed next to me. He leans in closer to my ear and tells me everything is going to be OK. I've had an anxiety attack. They are going to give me something to help me relax. He asks me if I want to go to the hospital. I shake my head. I feel a needle go into my arm. I start talking, "Cancer? Cancer?" "Shhhhh." Is all Mulder says. "Just breathe normally." I fall back to sleep. When I wake up the room is dark. I'm on my side facing the window and I can see light over my shoulder. I roll over to see Mulder is sitting in a chair in the corner reading a magazine. He must have heard my movements because he's looking at me now. I watch a smile break out over his face as he puts the magazine down. "Hey. How are you feeling?" "Tired. What time is it?" "7:45" "I've slept for almost twelve hours? Oh my God. We've missed our flight!" I struggle to sit up. Mulder is instantly by my side forcing me to lie back down. "It's OK, we'll leave tomorrow. Lie back down." He crawls into bed with me and starts to play with strands of my hair. "Want to tell me what happened?" I take a deep breath. "I don't know. I just... I just . ." "It's OK, you don't have to tell me. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push." He gathers me up in his arms so that he is spooning me again." I shake my head and continue: "I was just watching you with Katherine and Sterling and I . . I couldn't handle it." I feel his hand running from my shoulder to my hip as he nuzzles my neck. "I realized I could never have that: the whole idea of my OWN family. It was like being shown what you could have and then someone telling you that no matter what, you can't. It was a cruel sick joke, and I guess I just snapped. I had trouble breathing and you'll have to tell me the rest." I'm surprised I got all that out without crying. "Do you remember the paramedics being here?" I nod. "Well after you passed out, we tried to revive you. And you did, but you were freaking out. Finally, you passed out again and we called an ambulance. They took your blood pressure, did all the usually stuff and concluded that you had an anxiety attack. They gave you some sedatives and you fell asleep." I stay quiet. "You scared me, Scully." "Yeah, well I scared myself. How's Charles and everyone?" "They're OK. They're downstairs. Katherine was scared, but I think she's all right now. I booked us a flight for 2:30 tomorrow." We lie there and he continues to stroke my side. It's incredibly soothing. I turn and look at him. There are tears running down his cheeks. I turn in his arms and wipe away the tears. "What's wrong?" He squeezes his eyes shut and I feel his body tense. "What?" I ask again. "Tell me. Please, let me help you." His face breaks out into his sarcastic grin, then turns serious again. Now he's scaring me. "I've kept something from you." Oh shit. This can't be good. I try to stay calm. "What?" "`Member how I knew that you were...were barren?" Now I feel my body tense. What the hell does he know? Why is he always keeping vital information about myself from me? "What do you know, Mulder?" I ask more forcefully. `When you were in the hospital with Penny Northern, I went to a fertility clinic with the Gunman. Anyway, I found...I found." "You found what, Mulder?" "Your ova." "My ova." I'm in shock. "And what were my ova doing there?" "They were in storage. I... I took one." "Took my ova." I'm incredibly calm. That scares me. "Yes." "Took my ova." He nods and I crack. I start to push him with away with both my feet and hands. "You've had my ova this whole time and you didn't think to tell me!!!" I'm still kicking him and shoving him with all my might. He doesn't put up much of a fight, and therefore, he ends up falling on the floor. I'm still yelling. Mostly calling him names that would hurt most childrens' ears. I climb off the bed and on top of him. I'm hitting his chest over and over again. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! How could you lie?! Why, Mulder, why!?!" I want to stop hitting him, but I can't. He's trying to grab my arms, but I'm moving around to much for him. "I trusted you!!! How could you do this to me!?! What else to do know, Mulder!?! Huh?! What else are you keeping from me, you bastard!?!?!" The next thing I know there are arms around me lifting me up and off Mulder. "Dana, what the hell has gotten in to you??" It's Charles. "Put me down Charlie!! Right now!!" I squirm in his arms. Mulder is slowly getting to his feet. "No! Not until you calm down!" I stop squirming. Charlie lets me down, but still keeps his hands on my forearms. I shrug them off. "Just what the hell is going on?" Charlie asks. "I..." I interrupt Mulder, "HE's A GOD DAMN BASTER!! HE's BEEN LYING TO ME!!" I turn back to him, "I trusted you!! You asshole! I don't ever want to see you again!! I want you to leave!! Leave now!" He starts to walk towards me. Before I know it my fist makes contact with his face. I hear Megan scream from behind me. Charles once again wrestles with my arms as Mulder tries to control the blood flow from his nose. "Jesus Christ, Dana!" Charles yells. "Don't fuck with me!! Get out now!! As of right now, I am no longer your partner!! Do you understand!! And to think I was in love with you! God!" The dam breaks and I sink to the ground crying. "Mulder..." Charles starts. "I'm going. I'm so sorry Dana; I never ever meant to hurt you." He leaves. Megan comes and squats down beside me. Charles leaves, probably to talk to Mulder. Men. "Dana? What happened?" I'm still sobbing, "He lied to me. He lied. He lied." "OK. It's OK." She's holding me. "It's all going to be OK." "No. No. No, it will never be OK. Never again." Megan sits with me on the floor until I stop crying. "I'll be right back," she tells me. She comes back later with a glass and hands it to me. "What is this?" "Gin. Drink it. You need it." I take a small sip then gulp the rest. There's a knock on my door. "Yeah?" Megan asks. "It's Charles." "Come on in." He opens the door. "She OK?" Megan nods. "Well, he left..." "Good! Hope the Bastard burns in hell." "Dana!" "What!" "I'm not going to ask what this is all about. If you want to tell me... (I shake my head)." "OK. Fine. But you need to get a grip. I've never seen you like this. What's wrong with you?" "Nothing." "Sure. Anyway he had to take the convertible because it's registered in his name. I'll take you to the airport tomorrow." "No. He's going to be on my flight." "No. He left for the airport." I breathe a sigh of relief. "Do you want to call mom?" I shake my head. "OK. What do you want." "Another drink." "I'll go get it." Megan leaves the room. Charles kneels down beside me. "Day, whatever happened he's really sorry. He looked like... he looked like the world had ended." "Well then, welcome to Armageddon., Mulder" Megan comes back with the gin and I toss it back. I finally get back into bed. Megan sits and talks B.S. with me until I fall asleep. My last thought is: `where're my ova?' Saturday, April 11th LAX I sit in the chairs waiting for my flight to board. My ova are probably siting in his freezer next to the damn neopolitain ice cream. With one secret Mulder has single handedly turned my life upside down. The question I was asking my self, `What next?', is going to have to be answered a lot sooner than I thought. I can't stay with the Bureau, too many memories. Can I even stay in DC? He broke my heart. But then why does part of it still want him near? They call my row to board. VI. Monday, April 13th I purposly come in to work late to see if Scully will be there. I hope she's calmed down and ready to talk like a human being. She needs help and I want to help her get it. I open the office door and it is still pitch black. Damn. I go over to my desk, pick up my phone and dial Skinner's office. Kimberly answers the phone. "Yes, this is Agent Mulder, I need to speak to AD Skinner. Is he available?" "He's in a meeting right now, but he has a half an hour free after it. Should I have him call you when he's free?" "Please." "Will do. Good bye." I hang up the phone. I have this buring desire to call Scully, but I'm not going to push anything on her. She'll talk to me when she's ready. I start to think back to Friday night. I've never seen anger like that in anyone's eyes. My nose still hurts thinking about it. Don't let anyone tell you that a 5-2 woman can't knock a 6-1 man on his ass. The ringing of my phone brings me out of my reverie. "Hello." "Agent Mulder, Assistant Director Skinner is ready to see you now." I walk up and into his office. "Agent Mulder," he greets me in his booming voice. "Good morning Sir." "Have a seat Agent Mulder. I'm glad you called because I have something I want to discuss with you, too." What did I do now? I sit down and get ready for the lecture. "Agent Mulder, Agent Scully was just here to see me and I must say what she told me has greatly disturbed me." My heart picks up the pace; he's got my full attention now. "Yes, sir?" Is my voice shaking? "She handed in her resignation." My heart stops. She was serious. What am I going to do now? Skinner continued. "After talking at length with her, I managed to convince her to take a leave of absence instead." I nod. Thank God! Would he get mad if I kissed him? "But she stressed that if she decides to come back she did not want to continue her work on The X-Files. She also expressed that she's having medical problems. Agent Mulder, she didn't tell me what was wrong, but does this have anything to do with her cancer?" "No sir." I'm wringing my hands in my lap. He gives me a strange look, which I interpret as 'fess up Mulder, what's wrong with your partner'. "Agent Mulder, would you like to share with me, off the record, why Agent Scully wants to leave? Does this have anything to do with both of you taking a week off?" Oh boy. I stay silent. "Agent Mulder, are you and Agent Scully... involved?" I shake my head. "No sir." He stares straight into my eyes, trying to tell if I'm lying. I better throw him a bone. "Sir, Agent Scully and myself believe that she is depressed. Clinically depressed." He leans back in his chair and shuts his eyes. I continue. "And to top that off, I told her some information about her abduction and she was upset, rightfully so, but... Anyway, she expressed interest in getting help for her condition, which is good because at least she recognizes that she has a problem." "Well, it's understandable after all that she's been through." I swear he just said, 'after all YOU put her through.' "Yes sir." "She's a good agent, Agent Mulder, and I don't want to lose her. I don't want you to do anything to jeopardize her health." "What the hell is that supposed to mean?... Sir." "Agent Mulder, it's painfully clear that her present condition has something to do with you. Whatever it may be, I don't want you pushing her one way or the other. Do you understand?" I feel like I'm her bad-news boyfriend and her dad is telling me stay away or else. "Sir I can't promise you anything." "Give her space, Agent Mulder. If she comes to you, that's fine." "Sir, she's ill. She might not know if she needs my help or not. I have to help her; I want to help her. I can't just forget about her. I won't smother her, but I won't stay away from her either." "You love her?" I choke. "What?" "What did you tell her to drive her away from The X-Files?" "That's personal, sir." "The hell it is, when a great agent comes to me and wants to resign, it's my business as to why." "Sir, if she wanted you to know, she would have told you herself." He just waits. "She's depressed." "We already established that, Agent Mulder." "Her depression comes from a myriad of reasons, sir." He nods, knowing that I am not going to give anything away. "All right, Agent Mulder, but I must tell you now that Agent Scully has left The X-Files, it's future is going to be up in the air. The Bureau has been looking to shut it down and this would be the reason they're looking for." I nod. No shit. "You're dismissed, Agent Mulder." I get up and return to my hole in the wall. You've really fucked up royally this time, Mulder. Take a gun to your head, your life is over. I sit down on my desk and bang my head against it. Stupid "Yeah! Come on in." Agent Harris opens the door. "Hey Mulder." "Hey, Hickey." She blushes. When I first met her, she had a hickey on her neck. Hence the nickname. "Please stop calling me that." She's tall, dark skin, long legs, kind of ethnic looking, and my type. She has a young face that makes her look about 20 even though she's 27. I'd always wanted to ask her out, but the platinum engagement ring stopped me. "Stop coming to work with hickeys and I will." "That was only once and I just happen to meet you that day." "Lucky you. What can I help you with?" "Actually, I was looking for your partner." Great. "She's not here. She's... she's on a leave of absence." "Oh." She looks uncomfortable. "All right. Well, see you around." I nod. She takes a step forward and squints at me, "Are you OK?" "Peachy. Why?" "You have a red mark on your forehead." "Oh. I fell asleep on my desk." "Late nights in bars will do that to you." "So I've heard. They can also lead to hickeys." "Christ. See you later." She leaves. And I am alone, again. Isn't that a song? I try to do some work, but I can't get her out of my head. She's my life. To think she was sent to spy on me. The Spy Who Loved Me. More like The Spy I Loved. I want to call her, tell her how sorry I am. She has to forgive me. She has to. I pick up the phone and dial. "Hello?" " Mrs. Scully, its Fox Mulder." "Oh, hello Fox." I can hear the hesitance in her voice. She knows something. "Have you spoken to Dana lately?" I ask. "Yes. I spoke with her over the weekend." "How is she doing?" "She's managing, Fox." Managing. She continues after a few seconds of silence. "Listen Fox, she's looking for a doctor today." "OK." I'm contributing a lot to this conversation. "She just needs time. Fox, um, she said you had something of hers." "Uh huh." I've forgotten how to speak. "Where are they, Fox?" "Georgetown Hospital. In storage." "OK." " Mrs. Scully? I'm so sorry. Please tell Dana, I'm sorry." I'm crying. "I will Fox. It's going to be OK. She'll get better. She's a fighter. OK?" "Uh huh. I just want her back." "I understand Fox. I'll tell Dana where they are. Are they under her name?" She can't say the word and her voice cracks when she talks about it. "No. They're under mine. I'll call the hospital and have them transferred to her name." "Thank you." "I'm sorry for all the pain I've cause you all." She doesn't say anything back. "I'll talk to you later Mrs. Scully." "All right. Good bye Fox." "Good bye." I hang up the phone and let the tears flow. Dana Scully's Apartment I sit on my coach flipping through Doctor's names that are covered by the Bureau. I can't believe I let Skinner talk me into staying. I go to pick up the phone to call one of the doctors, but it rings first. I'm scared to pick it up. What if it's Mulder? I let the answering machine get it. "Dana, if you're there pick up the phone, it's your mother. Dana?" I pick up the phone. "Hi mom." "Dana. How are you doing?" "Fine. I was just looking at the list of psychiatrists." "Oh. Find any?" "I think so. I've got to call around." "Anyway, Dana, Fox just called me." My heart skips a beat. "Oh?" "Dana, you need to talk to him. He's extremely upset." "Well, so am I." "Dana!" "What mom? He kept something vital from me. That's the same as lying. I trusted him." I feel my anger growing. "OK, Dana. OK. Please calm down." "Easy for you to say, your ova aren't being stored in his freezer!" "Georgetown." "What!?" "They're at Georgetown Hospital. I asked him." "Thanks. I had images of them next to ice cream." I try to laugh. "Dana, honey, please try to mend things with him. He says he's sorry and he means it Dana. Dana? He was crying." My heart bleeds for him. Right. "At least I'm not the only one crying." "Dana? Do you want to come stay with me for a while?" "I don't know." "I think you should. You need someone to talk to." She's right. "OK mom. I'll come over tonight." "Good. I'll make your favorite for dinner." Moms. They think the world's problems can be solved with a good meal. "Sounds good. Thanks mom." "Anything for you honey, you're my daughter." For some reason it creeps me out when she says that. It's like, oh really, I thought I was your sister. Jeez, I can be a bitch. I hang up the phone and go to dial the doctor. I get to my mom's around 6:30. I can smell her spaghetti sauce from the driveway. Now I'm hungry. After eating two helpings, she fixes me a cup of coffee and we move to the couch. "Your appointment is at 10:30?" I nod while sipping the drink. "Do you need me to take you?" "That's OK." "Did you... did you call Georgetown?" "Yes. He had them in storage at the fertility clinic they have there." "What are you going to do?" "Leave them there. I mean I can't keep them at home, but I will tell you it's a pretty penny to keep your ova in liquid nitrogen." She just nods. Talking about my ova makes her really uncomfortable. "So you can use them for reproduction?" Still pushing me for grandkids. "Yes. I just won't get pregnant by conventional means. And getting the sperm is a whole other story. They would fertilize the eggs from the ova in a dish and then put them in me. Of course, they would have to do a lot and I could end up having 20 kids like that women in Iowa." I'm babbling. "Well, that's better than not being able to have kids at all." I nod. "How long is your leave from work?" "Three months." "What are you going to do then?" "Don't know. I'll see how things go with Doctor Hollis before I make any life altering decisions." There's a knock at the door. "Do you want me to get it?" I ask. "Sure. It's probably Mrs. Carter returning a pot she borrowed from me." I open the door. It's Mulder. Why am I not shocked? But by the look on his face, he is. "You're here?" "Yeah. What are you doing here?" "I...I came to talk to your mom. I'll go." I nod and he turns and starts down the path. Don't go. Don't go. Don't go. "Mulder." He stops and turns back to face me. I close the front door behind me and walk down to him. "I'm sorry I hit you." "It's OK." We are both looking at our feet. "I'm so sorry, Dana." I start to cry quietly. "I really tried to hate you Mulder. I wanted to hate you so much. I'm so mad at you for lying." "I know. I should have told you, but you were . .. No, there's no excuse. I should have told you." "I understand why you didn't." I look up at him. He walks toward me and hugs me. I bury my face in his chest and wrap my arms around his waist under his coat. He kisses the top of my head and I look up at him. He wipes the tears from my face and slowly leans down. I feel my eyes close and my lips slightly part. I can feel his breath and then his lips on mine. They are softer than I thought they would be and I feel my heart burst. He presses into my lips harder and I tighten my hold on him. I don't know how long we kissed, but a car horn in the distance separated us. I put my head back on his chest. I want to stay here for the rest of my life. "I should go now." I nod and take my arms out from around his waist. He takes my hands and holds them between us, rubbing my knuckles with his thumbs. "I'll talk to you later." "OK." He releases my hands, gets into his car and leaves. I walk back in the house and find my mom still on the couch. She looks at me. "Where's the pot?" "It wasn't Mrs. Carter, mom." "Who was it?" "Mulder." "Oh." "I'm going up to my room to read my book." I start my way up the stairs and when I'm at the top, I turn and call back to my mom: "You're not a very good liar; I know you were spying." She smiles. VII. Mulder's Car: I kissed her. I kissed her! Way to finally get some balls Mulder. As David Putty from Seinfeld would say: "High-Five." I try to maintain my breathing, the goofy grin on my face and my driving. How old am I? And what was that, 'I'll talk to you later'? Talk about original. Oh well, who cares? I kissed Dana Katherine Scully. I wonder what she's thinking? I hope she doesn't think I was taking advantage of her weakness. Nah, if she didn't want me to kiss her, I'd be walking funny right now. I can't wait to kiss her again. Dana's Room: I pick my book up, turn to where I left off and just stare at the words. Who am I kidding? There's no way I can concentrate. What the hell just happened? He kissed you, genius, and you like it. You really, really liked it and you can't wait to do it again and then some. Good God, I really want him now, here, on this bed. Lord, get a grip Dana; I mean, I know it's been a while, but this is ridiculous. And to think my mother was watching me, now I'm going to get looks from her every time his name comes up; and not much less if he's in the room. Well, there is one down side to all of this: there's no way I can go back to The X-Files. Next Day - Tuesday, April 14th Doctor Hollis' Office "Hello Dana, I'm Doctor Michael Hollis. Please have a seat." I shake his hand and sit. "Now for today we are just going to get through the basics. I'm just going to ask you some standard questions. OK?" "Sure." "All right. Let's see." He pulls out a form I filled out in the waiting room. "You work for the FBI. How long?" "Since '92. 6 years." Has it really been that long?? "I entered the Academy in '91, but started my assignment in '92." Stop rambling, idiot He nods. He asks me a few more questions to expand on the questionnaire. "Why are you here? I mean, what made you decide you needed to seek professional help?" "I just felt that no matter how hard I tried to be happy, I couldn't. Also, it doesn't take much to get me upset." "How long have you felt this way?" "Jeez, I don't know. A while; a couple months, maybe." "And you are in remission right now after being diagnosed with a cancerous tumor? Correct?" "Yes, which makes this even more ironic. I figure I should be grateful to have a second chance and I am. It's just I'm not as happy as one would think someone who's been cured would be." "Tell me about your job." I smile. Does he have the whole day free? "Well, let me see, I work for the FBI as an agent in the Violent Crimes Division in a small department called The X-Files with my partner, Fox Mulder. We investigate cases that fall outside the Bureau mainstream." "You enjoy your job?" "Sometimes. Overall, I'd have to say yes, but I no longer work in the X-Files." "Why not?" "I was so depressed that I recently asked to resign, but my boss convinced me to take a medical leave instead." "But you just said you liked your job. Why leave? Actually, I'll let you think about that one because our time has run over. I'd like to continue working with you. I think I can help you; if you'd like?" I nod. "Sounds good." God I hate this stuff; I just end up sounding crazy. 12:30 am Wednesday, April 15th I'm in bed and on the verge of sleep when I hear something hit my window. I wait a couple seconds, then I hear it again and again and again. I get up, look out and see Mulder in my mother's backyard, throwing little pebbles at my window. I open it and whisper to him: "What in the world are you doing?" He smiles. "Come out here." "Ever heard of a doorbell?" "I didn't want to wake your mom." "Hold on. I'll meet you by the front door." I feel like I'm in high school and I'm sneaking out to go necking with my boyfriend. Ah, necking, that would be nice. I open the front door and find him sitting on the bench on the porch. I take a seat next to him. "How was your day at work, dear?" "Boring. What did you do?" "I went to see a doctor. Doctor Hollis." "Yeah. How did it go?" "Good. It was only a 30 minute session so we didn't really getting into the nitty gritty of my psyche." "When's your next appointment?" "Friday." I shiver and he notices. "I'd give you my jacket if I had one." He's wearing a long sleeve olive green Henley T-shirt. Meanwhile I have on my white tanktop and boxers. "Come on." I stand up and offer him my hand, which he takes. "We're going inside. It's too cold." We walk inside and I lead him up the stairs. "Where are we going?" He whispers. "My room. Tip-toe." We get to my room and I close the door. The only place to sit is my bed; so, we both lie down. "Dana Scully, what would your mom do if she caught me in here?" "Probably throw a party." He rolls over to his side and props himself up on his elbow. "Tired?" "Yes." "Well, I just wanted to see how you were doing." "I'm fine." "If I had a nickel..." "But I really am. I'm not extremely happy and I'm not extremely sad; I'm just...fine." "OK. Do you want to eat lunch with me tomorrow?" "Sure." "Good. 12:30; Parson's Deli?" I nod. "Well, I'm going to go now." "You don't have to go." "I don't think your mom would appreciate it." "Listen Mulder, I'm 34 and single. My mom has stopped caring a long time ago about what's respectable and what the neighbors might think if they saw a man over here at odd hours." He laughs. "So she won't kick me out if she finds me here?" "Mulder, she'll make you pancakes. Now shut up and get under the covers." "Yes ma'am." He takes off his shoes, socks, jeans and T-shirt so that he's only left with an undershirt and that boxer/underwear contraption on. I turn off the lights and just lie there. I can't sleep because I'm nervous all of a sudden. Oh well, only one way to fix that. I roll on top of Mulder and kiss him. I can tell I've taken him by surprise, but after a moment he puts his arms around me and rolls us over so that he's on top. I feel his tongue parting my lips, I let him in and hear him moan as the kiss continues to deepen. God, he's a great kisser; I feel myself melting into the mattress. We both break away and start giggling. "You should be glad my father is no longer alive. I don't care how old I am, if he caught you in here, he'd kill you." He kisses me again. We continue exploring each other's mouths for quite a while, then he stops, rolls off me and pulls me into an embrace. "You promise there'll be pancakes." I poke his ribs. "Using me for my mother's cooking, huh?" "Never." I get comfortable and when I'm done shifting around he speaks: "Dana?" "Yeah?" "I'm not scared of you anymore." "I'm glad. I'm not afraid either." Margaret Scully woke up at 5:30, like she did every morning, and went out to get the paper. To her surprise, there was a familiar Ford parked out front. She smiled, went back into the house, and into the kitchen to start making her pancake batter. I gradually drift out of unconsciousness and find a mass of hair below my chin and I can't help but run my fingers lightly through it. I've been told it's red, but to me it's a dark gray. Just for one day I would love to see the color. I know she colors it, because when it fades I can see that her hair is really brown. I look over at the clock, its 5:45. I asked Scully to set the alarm for 6:00 so I could make it to work on time. To pass the time, I continue playing with her hair and think of the future. I won't have the X-Files much longer, I know that. And because of the turn of events between Scully and I, she wouldn't be allowed to be my partner anyway. I don't know how I feel about that. It was torture when they separated us all those years ago, but at least I'll still be with her on another level. You can't have your cake and eat it to, I tell myself. It's now a question of 'will I ever be able to learn the truth without the X-Files?' The music from her radio alarm clock jars me from my thoughts and I feel Scully's body stretch along side mine. I could get very used to this. She makes little noises as she slowly wakes up and I squeeze her to me. "Morning." She looks up at me and smiles; with her ruffled hair she looks incredibly sexy. I lean down and kiss the tip of her nose and tell her my thoughts. She blushes and buries her face in my chest. "Can I take a shower here?" "Sure. I'll show you to the bathroom." We get up and walk down the hall to the bathroom. "Here you go. I'll meet you downstairs. OK?" I nod and as she turns to leave I lightly grab her arm, spin her around and kiss her. She puts her arms around my neck and her hands in my hair. Meanwhile, my hands have traveled south to her rear. I squeeze it and she yelps. "Don't get fresh with me, mister." She pushes me further into the bathroom. I walk downstairs and I can hear my mom busy in the kitchen: pancakes. I have to smile, but as I get closer to the kitchen I start getting nervous. "Hi Mom." "Morning Dana. I assume Fox is in the shower." I nod and take a seat at the breakfast table. She places a glass of orange juice in front of me. "Thanks." She goes back to making breakfast. "So, when did Fox get here?" "Around midnight." "Uh huh." "He wanted to see how my appointment went." "He could have used the phone." I look up at her and find a faint smirk on her face. God help me, she's already on the phone to book the church. "Well, you'll need to change the sheets in the guest room." She's messing with my mind. It's way too early for this. Oh hell, might as well play with her. "No need, he slept in my room." "Really?" She tries to sound surprised. "Yes. I'm glad we didn't wake you; Mulder's really loud." She drops the spatula and I erupt into laughter. And then, as if on cue, Mulder walks in. "What about me being loud?" Now both my mom and I are laughing. Poor Mulder, he looks so confused. I shake my head at him. "Its nothing." He shrugs and takes a seat across from me. "Good Morning, Mrs. Scully." "Please call me Margaret." I drop my head to the table. I look back up and give Mulder an 'I told you so' look. He smiles back. "I'm sorry about me being here, but your daughter wouldn't let me leave last night." "What!" I yell. "It's true." My mom interrupts: "That's OK. You're welcome here any time." She places the pancakes in front of us. Mulder digs in and with his mouth full he speaks, "Suhle said there be pan-hakes." He swallows, "They're good. Thanks Margaret." "You're welcome. Do the two of you want coffee?" "Please." we both say in unison. After breakfast, Scully walks me out to my car. "Still on for lunch?" I ask. "12:30." "See ya' then." I take her in my arms and place a chaste kiss on her lips. "Have fun at work. Play nice with the other agents." "I'll try." I get into my car and drive away. How many hours till 12:30? I walk back in the house and into the kitchen to help my mom clean the dishes. "Dana?" "Yes?" "I really like Fox." "I know; I like him, too." "I just want you to be careful." "What do you mean?" "I just don't want you to get hurt. He has a lot of demons, Dana." "If there is one person who know that, it's me, mom." "He might end up putting you back seat to his obsessions from time to time." I nod. "I just think you should always come first, if you two become seriously involved." I sigh. With any other guy, that would be true, but we're talking about Mulder. "I can't ask him to do that." "He loves and respects you very much and your father would have liked him. You know him better than I do, but I just don't want you to be disappointed." "I won't." I hope. 12:30 finally rolls around and I meet Mulder at Parson's deli. He takes a seat across from me. "Hey." "Hi." "How's work?" "The usual; I had a couple case files to look over." "Anything interesting." "Nah. What about you? What'd your mom say after I left?" "She told me to be careful." "Careful of me?" I nod. The waitress comes and takes our orders. "Doesn't your mom like me?" He sounds like a little lost boy. I take his hand, "she loves you, she just doesn't want to see me get hurt, that's all."' He squeezes my hand, "I would never hurt you." I smile. Don't make promises you can't keep, I think. We converse about office gossip while we eat. "Would you like to go out Friday?" "You mean as in a date?" "Yes. I figure, I've been sharing a bed and kissing you so much and I haven't even had to buy you dinner. You're easy, Dana Scully." I kick him under the table. He fakes pain. "Sure, Friday is fine. You know me, I'm a serial first date sleeper." "Well, in that case, I'll have to take you somewhere nice. Make sure you get your money's worth." I roll my eyes. He pays the bill and we leave and when we walk outside he asks if he can kiss me. "Well, you did pay for lunch." He leans down and kisses me good-bye. When he looks up he murmurs: "Oh no." "What?" I follow his line of sight to find Skinner looking at us. I turn back to Mulder. "Looks like I just bought myself a one-way ticket to Quantico." He nods and smiles sadly. "Might as well face the music." Skinner walks up to us. "Hello Agent Scully, Mulder." "Good afternoon, sir." I respond. "How's everything going?" "Fine, sir." "Well then, I'll see you two later." He walks into the deli. Mulder and I just stare at each other. "That went a little too well." "Oh, who cares Mulder. I don't work with you anymore." "And that's what really sucks." I look at my feet. "I'm sorry." "Don't be. In some strange way I understand. I'm surprised you stuck around for so long." "I'm not. It was an honor working with you, Agent Mulder." "Likewise, Agent Scully, likewise." He gives me a quick kiss. "I'm supposed to rent a couple movies for my mom and I to watch tonight. Want to come over and watch them with us?" "You're sure I wouldn't be intruding on a mother/daughter evening." "No. It'll be fine." "OK. What time?" "Around 7:30?" "Sounds good. See ya then." He hugs me then turns back towards the Bureau. I watch him leave and shake my head in disbelief. To think, just a week ago, I punched him in the face. VIII. Friday, April 17th Doctor Hollis' Office I feel like I've been lying on his couch for hours. "Tell me about your partner, Mulder." "Well, technically he's not my partner anymore. He's my best friend and I love him very much." "Do you have a sexual relationship with him?" "Umm, No." "Do you want to?" "Well, yes. We've just recently taken our relationship to the next level, so to speak." "And how has it been going so far?" "It's had its ups and downs. I just..." "Just what?" "I . . I haven't been in too many long-term relationships. I'm not sure how to proceed." "How many long-term relationships have you been in?" "About three: one in undergrad, one during my residency and another when I was in the Academy." "Which one was the longest?" "Undergrad; a little over a year." "And of the three, which was the shortest?" "Jack, from the Academy. It went on for about four months. I guess that's very short, come to think of it." "Why did these relationships come to an end?" "Well, Steven, that was the boyfriend from college, we graduated and he went to work in New York City." "Were you upset?" "Not as upset as you would think. I was going to medical school for four years and he was moving out of state. We never talked of extending the relationship beyond college anyway. It was just kind of a given that it would be over when we graduated." "And the man from your residency?" "That was a mistake." "How so?" "He was married...separated, actually." I begin fiddling with the buttons on my shirt. "You're nervous, why?" "It was ... was a mistake." "You've said that." "He was separated, but his... his." I feel my tears running down my temples and into my hair. I wipe them away. "What happened, Dana?" I take a deep breath and continue. "His wife wanted him back and when she found out about me. . . the...the next day she... she killed herself." I start crying. I feel just how I did the day it happened. He hands me some tissues as I sit up. "I'm sorry. Do you want to stop talking about it or go on?" I catch my breath. "Go on." "OK. Please continue." "She left her car running in their garage and a note saying that if she couldn't have him, she didn't want to live. I felt awful. I stopped seeing him after that. It was too uncomfortable for both of us." "You shouldn't blame yourself." "But I do. I did. The relationship with Patrick was mostly based on convenience. We both had the same schedule at the hospital. It was just great sex and he was someone who was going through the same things I was, career-wise." He nods and scribbles some more on his pad. "You said the relationship was purely sexual." "Well, not really, but we weren't in it hoping for a future together." "And Jack?" I'm dreading what I have to tell him. Why can't I have normal healthy relationships? "He was my instructor at the Academy." "Uh-huh." "I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't like that." "What was it like?" I think. "OK, maybe it was like that. I was his student and I was fascinated with his knowledge and passion for the work." "Who pursued who?" "I guess I did. I was an ass kisser and flirter, but only towards him. For some reason, I wanted his respect the most out of any of the other instructors. But he asked me out first." "And you think having a sexual relationship with him meant you would have his respect?" "You enjoy making me feel shallow, don't you?" "No, but do you?" I put my head in my hands. "Dana?" I lift my head up. "It didn't work like that. I KNOW he respected me without the sex, but we had it none the less." "You seem to talk about sex a lot. What about love?" I shrug my shoulders and turn my gaze towards his bookshelf. "You've had three long-term relationship, yet none seem to be based on love. One was for respect, and the other two were out of convenience." I'm crying. "I know. I don't know why that is; it's not like I didn't get enough love from my parents or I was abused as a child." "Well, you were obviously afraid of something." "I guess." "Do you know what?" I think and I know the answer: "I have to be in control. I have to be captain of the ship, so to speak. I like knowing where I'm going." "That's understandable, but sometimes we have to trust our significant other and let them man the helm, to use your analogy, once and a while." "I trust Mulder." "Well, that's good. It's also good that he was your best friend first. You know how to read each other, which will make things easier." "I hope so." His alarm clock goes off. "Well Dana. Same time next week?" "Yes. See you then." After the appointment, I moved my things out of my mom's house and returned home. It's 5:30; I have two hours till the big date. I survey my bedroom; before I know it I'm changing the sheets. I want us to make LOVE, not have sex; plus, its about damn time. Later I take a shower and put on my best lingerie: a black lace bra and matching panties. If love is blind then why do they make this stuff? I walk into my closet and survey my selection. There's a green, short, capped sleeve dress, but to Mulder I'll only appear to him as a gray blob. Next. I finally settle on a pale lilac sleeveless dress that I had to wear when I was a bridesmaid. It has a fitted bodice with a heart shaped neckline and a flared skirt that falls about three inches above the knee. I spin around and watch it fly out. This is the only bridesmaid dress that could actually be worn again. God bless Weatherly for having good taste. I check in the mirror and find that the lining of the dress hides my black underwear. Good. I put on my three-strand Jackie O' knock off pearl necklace and matching earrings and go into the bathroom to fix my makeup and hair. Just as I put on my shoes, the doorbell rings. I go and answer it. "Hi." "Woah." "What?" "Is it OK with you if we just stay here so I can ravish you?" "Any other day, I'd say 'yes', but I want my free meal." "Just as well, I feel like showing you off." He turns serious, "You look incredibly beautiful and it must be fate, because I got you these." He takes his hand out from behind is back to reveal a bouquet of lilacs. "They're gorgeous. Thank you." I take them and kiss him on the cheek, which I have to wipe because I've left a lipstick mark. "Let me just put these in water and we'll go." He takes me to a restaurant on the river in Georgetown. He looks incredibly sexy We had a wonderful meal with excellent wine. We talked and laughed; it was like a real date, no X-Files. Afterwards we walk to the edge of the river. I can feel him standing behind me; then he wraps his arms around my waist and leans in to whisper in my ear: "I'm in love with you." My heart stops. Holy shit, the last guy who told me that was my boyfriend in college who just wanted to get me into bed, which worked. I turn and look up into his eyes. He looks scared, so I smile, push myself up onto my tiptoes and whisper next to his mouth: "I'm in love with you, too." Then my lips find his. When we're done, I look back up at him and he takes the back of his fingers and brushes them lightly against my cheek. "God, I really love you." I smile again. "And God loves you too, Mulder." He laughs and rests his forehead against mine and put his hands on my hips. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Now, I can't breathe. He's too close; I feel claustrophobic and he can tell because he backs away and says: "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push anything on you." He avoids my eyes looking for a way out. I give him one. "Make love to me, Mulder." His heads snaps back up to look at me. I nod to show him that he heard me right. "I don't think we should tonight." I'm floored. Why the hell not? Is this his revenge for my reaction to his declaration of love? "Fine. I guess I'd like to go home now." I turn and start walking to his car. "Scully!" He runs up next to me. "It's not like that." "I understand. I'd just like to go home now, that's all," I lie. He takes my arm and tries to stop me. I shrug him off and turn to him. "Don't." "Don't what? Don't let you use sex as a way out of something?" With out a thought, my hand comes up and slaps him. I continue on my march down the street until he grabs me from behind and spins me around. "Leave me alone!" My yell causes others on the street to stare. The bouncer from the bar we've stopped in front of asks if there is anything wrong. "No." Mulder answers. "Yes. Could you please call me a cab?" I ask him. "Scully..." "You said you loved me." "I do. Please, you're not thinking clearly." "Oh, that's right, I'm crazy." "You're not crazy." "Right. What's the P.C. term again?" Welcome to Mulder-Scully stare-off number 2,010. Finally, a cab pulls up. I make a move for the door, but Mulder stops me. "Please Dana; don't do this." My eyes fall to my feet. "I just want to go home," I whisper. He reluctantly moves out of the way; I get in the cab and cry all the way to my apartment. He tries to talk to me all day Saturday, but I can't. Therefore, we go a week without speaking. I'm so mature. Following Friday April 24th "Why did you run away?" Doctor Hollis asks. "I felt rejected. I guess I just thought it would be a perfect evening." "Until he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you?" "Yes. I mean, don't you think that's a little forward?" "A little, but you can say the same thing about your 'make love to me'." I hate psychiatrists. "Dana, once again, you are going to have to realize you can't control every situation." I nod. "Do you see a future with Mulder?" "It's complicated." "How so?" "Our work, his work. He's very driven that sometimes he's only thinking about his quest." "Sounds vaguely familiar." "No. It's different. He had an awful childhood." I proceed to give him a condensed version of Mulder's life or lack there of. When I'm done he doesn't say anything. "Doomed from the start, right?" I half-joke. "You both like to be in control of different aspects of your life; you both also have a lot of unresolved issues. I'd like to talk to Mulder. Do you think he would agree to that?" "I don't know. I haven't spoken to him since our date on Friday." "Dana?" "All right, all right. I'll talk to him. Happy?" "Only if you are." I want a new doctor. IX. Same Friday April, 24th I left work early; not much going on, and I am just waiting for the day word comes from the top: 'Back to the BSU with you.' I throw my keys on the table, pick up my basketball and start dribbling. Poor bastards who live below me must have the plaster fall on their head every time I do this. I think about Scully and her mood swings. I tried calling her a dozen times after the scene by the river, but she wouldn't pick up the phone. She's so damn stubborn; mixed in with her bouts of depression, it's a messy combination. Oh well, I figure she'll talk to me when she's damn ready. I stop the basketball, put on my jogging clothes and head out for a run. I check my watch when I stop running. Jesus, I've been at it for over an hour; talk about getting the stress out. I walk back into my apartment and find Scully sitting on my couch. "Hi." I nod at her and go into the kitchen to get a glass of water. When I turn from the sink, I find her standing in the doorway. I gulp the water from where I stand while she stares at me. "Listen, my doctor wants to talk to you. You don't have to, but he wanted me to ask you just the same." The look on her face is distant, uncaring. "Is there any reason I should?" I respond. She gives me a quizzical look. "I mean, if there is nothing left between us, why talk to the good doctor?" I watch her face fall and her attempt to cover it up. She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I've finally stumped her. I turn to refill my glass of water and when I turn back, she's gone. Damn! I wanted to get her talk to me and I just made her run away instead. I put my glass down, head out into the hall and find her in front of the elevator at the end of the hall. "Scully!" She turns and says in the coldest voice: "What?" "So I guess there's nothing left?" "I guess so." She steps into the elevator and leaves. I take off down the emergency stairs and cut her off right beforeshe reaches her car. "Damn it, Scully. Please talk to me." "What's there to talk about, if, according to you, there's nothing left?" She tries to make her way to the driver's side door, but I grab her shoulders and pull her up in front of me. "Listen, I've been trying to get in touch with YOU all week, but I've gotten nothing in return from YOU. So, if anyone is giving nothing to this relationship, it's YOU!" She shrugs my arms off her shoulders and takes a step back. "I love you, you're sick, and you're getting help, but you have to help me help you. I'm at a loss with how to act around you. One minute we're about to hop into bed; the next, you act like I've just killed your mother." "I don't know how I want you to act; I've never done this before. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you and it scares me to death, Mulder. I want to have it all with you. I want to be in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to have your children for Christ's sakes and do you know how much these feelings terrify me? Do you? I feel like there are these walls closing in on me and that giving up so much of myself to you will kill me. I don't know how to deal with it; so, I just snap." We both have tears streaming down our cheeks. I reach out my hand. "Come on." "Where are we going?" "Inside. I bet we're giving the neighborhood a good show." She nods and takes my hand. When we get back into my apartment she goes into the bathroom to wash the tears from her face. After she's done I tell her I'm going to take a quick shower.; when I get out, I find her asleep on my couch. I put a blanket over her and go out to get us something to eat. I return with pizza and two six-packs of beer. My commotion causes her to wake up. "I fell asleep?" "Yep." "How long?" "About an hour." She looks like I just told her she lost nine minutes. "I got us some pizza. Hungry?" She nods. I bring over the pizza, plates, napkins and two beers. I pop the cap off the beers and hand one to her; she smiles me a 'thanks' and we eat our dinner in silence. "How's work?" She asks when we're done with the pizza and have each had three beers. "It's OK. I don't think the X-Files will be around much longer." "I'm sorry." "You shouldn't be." "What are you going to do, if that happens?" "They'll probably try to send me back to BSU." "Do you want to go back there?" "That's what I haven't decided. It was hard. You saw what happened when Patterson asked for my help a couple years back." She nods and pick at the label on her beer bottle. "Sexually frustrated?" "What?" she asks. "They say, peeling the label off on your beer is a sign of sexual frustration." She smiles. "You have no idea, Agent Mulder." "Oh, but I think I do, Agent Scully." "Prove it." I smile, lean in and kiss her. I can taste the Guinness and pepperoni in her mouth. Finally, we come up for air. "So, your doctor requests my presence?" "Yes." "When?" "Next Friday; two o'clock." "All right. I'll be there." "Thank you." I nod. "But I have to warn you, I've told him a lot about you: your past and what not." "That's OK." I think: 'at least she's talking about me.' "I'm going to head on home now." "You OK to drive?" "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm Irish." She winks at me. I walk her out to her car. "Would you like to have dinner tomorrow night?" "I'd like that. I'll try not to overreact this time." "Just promise me one thing." "What's that?" I lean in next to her ear and whisper: "That you'll wear your CFM shoes." She smiles and responds in my ear: "Promise." We kiss. I move my hands down, squeeze her ass lifting her up to me and she smiles into my mouth. "So you're a butt man?" "I guess; but a great pair of tits is always a good thing." She swats my arm. "I'll see you tomorrow." I nod and watch her drive away. Saturday Night April 25th I take a deep breath as I stand in front of her door. Please let this go well. I knock and when she answers, I'm blown away. Needless to say she kept her promise; she had on the shoes and a killer black dress to go with them. "Mulder?" "Huh?" "You can close your mouth now." I snap my jaw shut. "Sorry, it's just... you look incredible." "It's the shoes." She winks and move to the side so I can come in. "No. The shoes are only part of it; your entire ensemble is to die for. Does your mother know you have a dress like that?" It's a black sundress that falls halfway down her thigh with spaghetti straps that criss cross all the way down her back and are tied together at the bottom. Obviously no room for a bra and all you have to do is untie the knot to get it off. Genius. Who's the designer so I can shake his hand? "She was with me when I bought it." She notices my shocked expression then continues. "It originally fell to mid calf and came with a knitted cardigan. But I felt it needed a few alterations." "Well, I, for one, admire the dramatic changes." "Thanks." "And it's perfect for what we are going to do." "And what might that be?" I motion for her to link her arm in mine and answer: "Dinner and dancing, my dear." After eating at a trendy little bistro I've heard all the women at the office raving about, I pull the car into the FBI parking deck. "Mulder, why are we here?" "We're just going to park here. There's that dance club across the street, Decades. Ever been?" She shakes her head. "Yeah, well, it's pretty cheesy, but they play great music. First floor is all disco; second, is all 80s; third floor is today's top hits and the top floor is usually a live performance. So, pick a floor, Scully." She turns to me with a huge grin on her face. "80s." We make our way up to the second floor. The place is mostly filled with twenty-somethings, but what do I care? I'm not here to pick up or make new friends. Once we set foot on the floor, I hear 'Footloose' playing. I look over at Scully and she's nothing but smiles. "You like?" "Mulder, I live for 80s music. I was always listening to the radio while I was in college and medical school.." "Well then, care to dance?" She nods eagerly. We danced forever and I watched her mouth the lines to every song they played. She wasn't kidding; she knows her 80s music. Finally, I ask her if she want to grab a beer. She agrees and we make our way to the bar. We find two stools and sit down. "Mulder, this is too much fun. We have to come here again." "Will do." I listen to them start playing "She Bop" by Cyndi Lauper. Scully leans into me. "Do you know what this song is about?" I shake my head. "Masturbation." I give her a look of disbelief. "It's true. Bop equals masturbation." "And how, my dear, do you know that?" "All good Catholic girls know what songs they should and shouldn't listen to." I nod. "So Scully, do you bop?" "Mulder, we both be liars if we said we didn't." "And who do you think about while you're bopping?" "Who do you think?" And with that she takes my hand and leads me out onto the dance floor. 2:00 am As we drive home I'm silently praying she doesn't ask me to stay and make love to her. I don't think we're ready. Listen to me; when did I become the sensitive male? Christ, I should be trying desperately to jump her bones. Oh well, I guess it's love. When we get to her door, my heart is doing double-rate. She unlocks her door and turns to me. "Do you want to come in?" "I want to, but I think we know what would happen." "An that would be a bad thing?" "No, of course not. I just don't think it would be a good thing right now." Please, please, please let her understand. She nods. YES!! "OK. Thank you. I had a lot of fun, Mulder." "Me too." I put my hands on her waist and as I pull her to me, she throws her arms around my neck; we kiss. I run my hands up an down her side and I feel her shiver. She begins to kiss my neck and along my jawline. Heaven. She kisses my Adam's apple then returns to my mouth. After the makeout session in her hall, I tell her goodnight. X. Friday, May 1st Mulder and I spent sporadic moments together throughout the week. I think my couch has seen more action in the last 6 days than it has in... Well, I don't even want to think about that. So far, I've been able to contain the 'down cycles' of my depression, but only because Dr. Hollis gave me a prescription for a mild form of Prozac. Today, Mulder gets to meet him and I'm a little nervous. What's going to happen? Will I get to be in there too or will it be a one-on-one? I check my appearance in the mirror for the tenth time and leave for Dr. Hollis' office. Mulder is already sitting in the waiting room; I take seat next to him and he squeezes my hand while placing a light kiss on my cheek. "You OK?" "I'm fine. Thanks for coming." "Not a problem. I just want to see you get well." "Me too." Finally, his secretary says we can go in. Doctor Hollis stands and comes out from around his desk when we enter. "Dana." "Hello, Dr. Hollis. This is my partner, Fox Mulder." Dr. Hollis and Mulder shake hands. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Mulder. I'm glad you could come." "It's nice to meet you, too. Thanks for asking me." We both sit on the couch and Mulder takes my hand in his and places them in his lap. He slowly begins to rub my knuckles with his thumb, which is very soothing. "The reason I asked Dana to invite you to her session is that I wanted to spend the first half talking to you and the second half with both of you. Is that OK with you two?" Mulder looks at me for approval; I nod and smile. "Sure." "Very well then. Dana, if you want to, there's a small cafeteria on the first floor." "That's fine." "Great. How 'bout you come back around 2:30?" "Sure." I get up, leave, and head down to the cafe. I order a cup of iced coffee and take a seat by the window. Time seems to stand still; and I start to think what he must be saying and feel myself becoming very paranoid. Mulder would be proud. Finally, after the slowest 30 minutes of my entire life, I head back up to his office. The secretary tells me to go on in. Mulder is still where I left him; I try to read his face, but I get nothing. Taking my seat back down beside him, I start ringing my hands in my lap. "Well, Dana; I must say, that after talking to Mulder, I can tell that he cares very deeply for you and your well-being." I nod. "But he does seem to harbor a lot of guilt towards the situation you are in." I let out the breath I've been holding in out of frustration. The doctor senses this and continues. "He knows you don't blame him for anything, but it's only human nature for him to feel like he has some role in your mental health." I look over at Mulder and he's looking at a spot on the floor in front of his feet. "I wish you wouldn't," I tell him. "It's not your fault." He lets out a muffled, sarcastic 'ha'. I turn back to the doctor. "There's no getting around this issue. No matter how much I tell him it's not his fault, he'll still blames himself. He's like Atlas; he has to have all the guilt in the world on his shoulders." The doctor turns to him. "Mulder?" "What? What am I supposed to say? If she were never assigned to work with me, she'd be living the ubiquitous normal life. She knows that's the truth." "Mulder, I don't want that normal life; I'd be bored. I loved working with you. You're not the one who hurt me. You know I love you." After a moment of silence the doctor breaks in. "Mulder also says that you two have yet to make love." "So? What does that have to do with anything?" Why do I feel like I have to justify my sex life to this man? "Mulder is afraid that he'll only end up hurting you again." I turn to Mulder. "You said you weren't afraid anymore." "Scully, if I continue my search for the truth, they could use you against me. They may have sent you to spy on me, but the way they can use you now is much, much worse." "So what? So you're saying that this will never work!? I can't ask you to give up your quest and I don't want to be a pawn in their games anymore. So what's the point of even starting a relationship?" I'm crying. "I should just pick up and move across the country so we never have to see each other again." "Dana," the doctor warns. "What?" I snap back at him. "I'm right. He knows it and I know it." "I don't want to lose you," Mulder mumbles I calm down. "Well, we obviously have a Catch 22 here. We want to be together, but being together only harbors up feelings of fear and guilt. Yeah, that sounds like a really healthy relationship." Doctor Hollis speaks: "Well sometimes we want a certain relationships to work out, but sometimes it just doesn't. I think that might be the case here." Mulder jumps to his feet. "Now listen here, God damn it; I love her and there is no way I could ever get her out of my mind and heart." Needless to say, I'm in shock: both at the doctor's statement and Mulder's reaction. "Mr. Mulder, please sit down." "I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'd die without her." "Would you give up your quest - that which apparently will keep you two in danger - for her?" "Yes." What the hell!? "Mulder! Don't you dare say things you don't mean just to prove him wrong." Mulder sits down defeated. "I want to make this work; but I'll always be protective of you no matter what. It's part of my personality that won't change not matter what I do." "I know, but you just have to learn to stop blaming yourself for everything that happens to me. Please try." He nods. I look at the doctor, who's smiling. "You said thattosee how we'd react," I accuse the doctor. "Yes. And you reacted almost exactly as I thought. I won't lie to you; this relationship you two have is going to be a difficult one, more difficult than most. But you both seem adamant on making it work." We both nod. "Very well then. I'd like to have a session with you two again sometime in the future. How 'bout in a month?" "That's fine," Mulder replies. "All right then. Dana, I'll see you same time next week?" "Yes." We leave and head out to the parking lot. "You going back to work?" He nods. "You OK?" I ask. He pulls me into a hug and whispers in my hair: "I love you so much." I wrap my arms around him. "I know; I love you too. We can make this work. We have to." He lifts my chin up. "We will." Then he kissed me. "We still on for tonight?" "Yes, but can we stay in? His sessions always exhaust me." "Good idea. I feel like I've been pulled through the ringer." That Night I check on the lasagna, toss the salad and set the table before I hear Mulder at the door. He comes in holding two movies. "What'd you rent?" "'The Full Monty' and 'Debbie Does Dallas'." "What?!" He smiles. "'The Full Monty' and 'In & Out'." "I'm surprised you didn't get 'Contact' and 'Conspiracy Theory'." "Nah, they were all out of those." "Thank God." He puts the movies down on the coffee table and takes off his jacket. "What smells so good?" "Probably the lasagna and garlic bread." "Sounds good. I hope you have mints though; I don't want to kiss you with garlic breath." "Ever think that that's the reason for the bread?" I throw him a questioning glance. "No; because I know you can't resist these lips." I nod and head into the kitchen. Oh well, score one for Mulder. "You need any help?" "Yes; you can open and pour the wine." I hand him the bottle and the corkscrew. In the meantime, I start scooping the salad into two bowls. When I'm almost done, I feel his arms wrap around my waist from behind. He leans in and begins kissing my neck, so I tilt my head so he can have better access. Then I feel one of his hands start to make its way up the inside of my shirt. The salad in front of me becomes a green blur, my knees buckle slightly and he tightens his hold on me. Right about when his hand makes its way to my breast, the timer on the oven starts to buzz. He smiles into my neck and let's go. "Time to eat." He whispers. Lord have mercy; yes it is. After a romantic dinner, which involved mostly staring into each other's eyes, we move over to the couch and pop 'The Full Monty' into the VCR. Mulder leans back against the couch and pull my back against his chest. "Comfy?" "Mmmhmm" We laugh our entire way through both movies. Finally, I get up to take 'In & Out' out of the VCR. "Kevin Kline is adorable, but I'm a little disappointed that we really didn't get to see the full monty." "Believe me, I'm not," He replies while sitting up. I go back to the couch and sit side ways on his lap. "I'm sure they've got nothing on you," I leer. He smiles and starts to run his index finger down the side of my face; I close my eyes and feel his lips on mine. As the kiss deepens I thank God for our bowl of mint chocolate-chip ice cream and he begins to lean me back against the couch. I nibble on his lower lip, which I could do for the rest of my life. We continue to aggressively kiss each other and his hands make their way under and up my shirt. They feel magnificent and I have a burning desire to feel more of his skin; so I start to pull his shirt out of his pants as he sucks on my neck. He quickly catches on to my task and lifts himself so I can remove the pesky T-shirt. He soon mimics my actions and removes my shirt. He moves back down to kiss me and I suck forcefully on his tongue, which causes him to moan and buck his hips into mine. I smile at my accomplishment. Then he begins to work his way down my throat and to my chest and after much shifting, he removes my bra and start sucking on my nipples. In the past, this has never been that much of a turn on for me, but his lips and tongue are like fucking magic. I grasp his hair and pull him closer to my breast while his fingers pull roughly at my other nipple. Now my hips buck up into him and I feel him smile. I let out a little laugh to let him know he's won, again. He works the same wonders on my other nipple, then lightly kisses my belly and moves back up my body. His face just hovers above mine while his fingers play with the hair around my face. He mouths: 'I love you.' I respond the same while running my fingernails up and down his back. He has the smoothest back and his skin is on fire. He presses his lips to mine, then moves his head to rest on my chest just below my chin; and I lightly run my fingers through his hair. He takes my other hand in one of his, intertwines our fingers and rests them next to his face. After a while, I can tell he's fallen asleep and I soon follow him. Saturday Morning May 2nd I wake up in my bed with his T-shirt and my underwear on; his head still resting on my chest and his legs draped over mine. I crane my neck to look at his sleeping face while I softly run my fingers through his silky hair. He looks like a little boy clinging to his mother. Eventually, his steady breathing lulls me back to sleep. I had a dream we were having wild sex on my desk at work. I mean, hey, I'm I guy; my dreams aren't about flowers and silk sheets. Anyway, her screams could be heard throughout the whole building and when we both walked up from our basement office, the entire Bureau is in the lobby; when they see us they start clapping. Of course, I take a bow. And that's when I woke up to find myself wrapped around her body and my morning erection pressing into her thigh. I shift off of her before she has to wake up to that. Luckily, she doesn't; she just stirs a little. Wearing my shirt that's four sizes too big and with all her makeup gone, she looks like a little girl. So, does that make me a pedophile? I rest my head on the pillow next to hers and go back to sleep. Tuesday Afternoon May 5th I'm cleaning my bathroom when the phone rings. "Scully." "Hey. It's me." He sounds sad. "What's up?" "I'm going to have to cancel on that concert at the Park tonight." "Why? What's going on?" Probably a case, I think. "My sister called me. She wants to talk to me tonight over dinner." "Oh," he told me the whole saga of meeting his sister when I got out of the hospital. "You don't need me to go with you; do you?" Please say no, please say no. "No, that's OK. I need to do this by myself." "I understand." Thank God; talk about uncomfortable. "But that doesn't mean I won't be stopping by your apartment afterwards to dump on you." I laugh. "I would expect nothing less, Mulder." "I'm really sorry about tonight; I know how much you wanted to go." "It's OK; really. I'll take my mom. She needs to get out more anyway." "Good. Well, you two have fun." "Good Luck Mulder. I'm sure you'll do fine." "I hope so. I love you." "Love you, too." Bailey's Bar & Grill As I wait for her at our table I remind myself over and over again, 'you're not here to tell her everything that man told her was a lie. He took care of her, she knows him better; so, she's more likely to believe him over me. I have to ease my way back in. Don't screw this up. Stay calm.' Finally, I see the hostess pointing her toward my table. I stand up and smile. "Hi Samantha." "Hey." She responds shyly. We both sit down and I'm already feeling awkward. "How are you doing?" "Good. Yourself?" "Pretty good. Was the traffic bad getting here?" Now I'm grasping at straws. "Fox, this is really hard. I think I'm ready to be a part of your life again, but I don't know how to start." "I understand; this is hard for me too." "How... how long have you been looking for me?" I have to smile at that one. "A long time." "I'm so sorry; I wish I knew." I nod. "Ever since my father died, I've been thinking about calling you." It takes me a second to realize which father she's talking about. "I'm glad you did. So, tell me about the man who raised you." "He was a wonderful father, Fox. He provided and cared for me like any other father would." I nod, while vomiting on the inside. "How did you know him?" "We worked with the same people." Ah, the irony. "Oh." "I've got an idea. You give me a five-minute summary of your life and I'll do the same. OK?" I suggest. "Sure. Let me see. I grew up Baltimore where I swam and was student body president in High School; then I received a scholarship to swim at Dartmouth. It was there that I met my husband, Michael Harper. After I graduated in '85, I earned my masters in Contemporary Art at the Sotheby Institute in London. When I returned to the states, Michael and I married; in fact, we just 'celebrated our 11th anniversary in March. Anyway, I went to work at MoMA in New York and Michael worked as an editor for Simon & Schuster. In 1991, we had our first child, Jessica and three years later I gave birth to my son, William. I was working part time at my job after Jessica was born, but after William, I quit all together. Anyway, Michael took a job with an advertising firm in Baltimore; so, we've been there since '96. OK; your turn." "Well, we stayed in Massachusetts where I graduated from High School then skipped across the pond to go to school at Oxford where I graduated with an AB in Psychology. After that, I returned home and was recruited by the FBI to work in their Behavioral Science Unit. You know, getting into the mind of sick serial killers. Loads of fun. It was there that a number of events happened that drove me to start looking for you. I reopened a department within the BSU, called the X-Files: unsolved, outside the norm type cases. In 1992, they assigned me a partner, Dana Scully, to keep me on track. We worked together till last month when she needed to leave for medical reasons. But it's just as well because I guess you could say she's my girlfriend now and partners aren't allowed to be a couple. So, I'm alone again in the X-Files, which will probably be shut down after which I don't know what I'll do; except get marry married to Dana." I look up to find her shaking her head. "Well, you've had a crazy life." That's the understatement of the century. "Yeah but, yours doesn't sound to dull either. Do you have a picture of Jessica and William I can see?" "Sure." She reaches into her wallet, pulls out a picture and hands it to me. They both have brown hair and are the cutest kids I've seen in a long time. "Jessica turns seven next month, May 19th, and William is three, but his birthday isn't till October." "October what?" "12th." "That's the day before mine." "Really?" I hand her back the picture. "They look adorable." "They are." She puts the picture back and hands me another one. "And this is my husband, Michael." It's a picture of the two of them by a lake; he's a couple inches taller than her, medium build and has brown hair. "Do they know about this?" "I told Michael. I didn't really know how this would go, so I didn't say anything to my kids. Did you say anything to mom?" Her voice crackes on the last word. "No. Not yet; I didn't want to upset her. She had a stroke a couple years back." "Is she OK?" "Yeah; she's just not as strong and quick minded as she used to be." The rest of the meal went on with more 'getting to know you' small talk. We agreed to meet again with her husband and Scully, if she agrees. After dinner, I went straight to Scully's, just like I said I would. When she opens the door I grab her around the waist, push us further into the apartment, kick the door closed with my foot and kiss her. She begins to push back on my chest; I look at her, but she's staring in the direction of the couch. I follow her gaze and find her mother sitting there. "Hello Fox." She greets me with a sly grin on her face. I feel my ears getting hot. "Hello, Mrs. Scully." I look at Scully who's gaze is focussed on the floor, but I can tell she's smiling. "So, did you have a nice dinner with your sister?" "Actually, it went quite well. How was the concert?" "Wonderful. Well I'm going to go home now so you two and get back to..." Mrs. Scully waves her hands in the air. "Mom." Dana warns. "What? I'm obviously the third wheel here." "No, no, it's OK Mrs. Scully, you can stay; I'll go." She still makes her way to the door. "That's OK. Dana and I have already spent enough time together tonight; it's your turn. Goodnight." And with that she leaves. The minute the door shuts, I kiss Scully hard and full on her the lips. When we break, I take her hand and lead her over to the couch. "I'm assuming with your affectionate mood, that the dinner went well. Don't leave me in suspense, tell me about it." I give her a blow by blow account of dinner and the plans for the four of us to go out, which she agrees to. "I'm glad it went well. I was worried about you all night; having these images of it going bad and you retreating to your dark apartment to pout." "Thanks for your faith." I fake hurt. She leans forward and start to loosen my tie. "I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?" As she works at my buttons, I ponder. "I think so." I still her busy hands. "What's wrong?" "It's just, I shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable around my sister. I should have already known all about her life, not have her give me some damn five-minute summary! I'm so glad that son-of-a-bitch is dead, Scully. He's ruined my life and yours! If, if he really is her father. . . God Scully, my father and mother knew about this!" During my tirade, she had taken me in her arms. "You'll find out what happened; I know you will." "Blood test." I mumble into her chest "What?" "A blood test, would solve all of this." "Yeah, well, I don't think that bringing a syringe to your second meeting with Samantha would be a good idea." "Do you think she would ever agree to something like that?" "I don't know, Mulder. Maybe in time she will. I know I would want to know the truth eventually." I silently lie in her arms while she strokes my shoulder and arm. Finally she speaks. "I've been thinking about coming back to the Bureau in a couple weeks." "What are you going to do?" "I'll see if I can go back to teaching at Quantico; you know, something a little less stressful." "Yeah. Do you mind if I stay here tonight?" "Not at all. You tired?" I nod. We get up, go to her room and climb into bed. Friday Morning May 8th Skinner accosts me in the lobby. "Agent Mulder, I need to speak with you right away about the X-Files." Oh shit, here it comes. "Yes sir." We walk in silence to his office. Now I know what the walk to the chair feels like. "Take a seat, Agent Mulder." "No need sir; I assume I'm being sent back to violent crimes?" "I tried Agent Mulder, but given recent events, the government refuses to spend anymore tax dollars on the X-Files." I believe that he tried. He continues, "But any odd cases that come across my desk, I'll definitely try to send your way." I nod. "When do I report back to the BSU?" "Wednesday." "Do I get to keep my office?" Hey, I gotta ask. "Yes, but a crew will becoming in later today to remove all the X-Files." "Where are they going to take them?" "I don't know." Probably some mine in a mountain or the local incinerator. "You'll be reporting to S.A.C. Griffin." I nod; I know him, nice guy. "Is that all?" "No. How's Agent Scully doing?" "She's doing well, sir. I think she going to go back to teaching at Quantico." He nods. "Take care of her, Agent Mulder. She may appear tough, but she's very fragile." "I know sir; I'll do my best to take care of her." "You both need each other." "Don't I know it." He smiles. "Off the record, you two make a nice couple." "Thank you sir." "OK. You're dismissed." When I get back to my office, I take a good look around. There's going to be a lot of space once they come and cart the filing cabinets away. I take a deep breath and look at the clock: 10 o'clock. I roll up my sleeves, lock the door and get to work. I start digging through the X-Files, picking out important ones and Xeroxing them. I fill about three boxes worth, which I secretly take out to my car. Around three o'clock, there's a knock at my door. I hide a last minute copy in my briefcase and open the door. There're two workmen who show me their work order to remove the filing cabinets. I let them in, sit at my desk and watch the past eight years of my life being carried out the door. When that's over, I left work and went to see the Gunmen. Of course, they couldn't believe it. "What are you going to do now, Mulder?" Langly asks. "Work back in violent crimes; try to use other avenues to find the truth." "Hey, man, we'll definitely help you out." Frohike assures me. "I appreciate it." "What about Agent Scully?" he asks. "She's going to go back to Quantico." There's a moment of silence. "Can I get your guys opinion on something?" They nod. I can't believe I'm asking advice about my life from these three. "Umm, Scully and I have been kind of seeing each other." I look up to find Byers and Langly smiling; Frohike, on the other hand, looks traumatized. "Anyway, I was thinking about asking her to marry me? Do you think it would work?" They respond in unison: "Yeah." I smile. "Even with everything we've been involved in? You don't think we'll be in danger?" "Given that the X-Files have been closed, you've found your sister, and Scully's cancer was cured, the danger surrounding you two is much less, but you two will be in danger no matter if you're together or not." Byers responds. There's some truth to that. "Thanks." I turn to leave. "Hey, Mulder. Good Luck." Langly calls out. I nod and just when I'm almost out the door, Frohike calls out, "If your video collection needs a home..." "I can think of no better father." XII. Same Friday, May 8th Doctor Hollis' Office "How has the prescription I gave you been working?" "Fine, it seems to be controlling my moods." "Good and how are things going with you and Mulder?" "Really well, actually. He went to dinner this week with his sister and that went well for him." He nods. "Have you given any thought about work?" "Yes, I put in a call to see if I could be reinstated at Quantico." "You feel your ready for that?" "Very, I'm going stir crazy in my apartment. I can't tell you how many times I've cleaned my refrigerator. Plus, it's only teaching; so, the travel will be minimal and the stress factor will also be much less." "Just make sure you don't push yourself too hard." "I won't." "Good. Today I want to talk about your daughter, Emily. Do you feel like you're up to that?" I feel every muscle in my body tense. "Sure." He looks at me with apprehension. "If you're not ready..." "No, no; I'm ready. It's just hard." "Why don't you tell me why it's hard?" "She was my daughter and I never got to know her. She was created to be a guinea pig; she was never meant to be loved. I wish I could have cured her, raised and loved her. It's not fair! I can't have children by traditional means and I... It was like the worst form of Indian giving." "Tell me about her." I get control of my breathing. "She looked exactly like my sister when she was that age. It was uncanny: short, strawberry blonde hair, a cherub shaped face and the cutest smile I've ever seen." I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, but make no attempt to stop them. "She didn't say much to me, I guess because she was so afraid. She. . . she never knew I was her mother. I was just some stranger who was taking care of her after her 'parents' died." "Do you realize that you never call Emily by name? You just refer to her in second person." "I suppose you are going to tell me that I'm trying to distance myself from her... Emily?" "Are you?" "I suppose so; I never knew her, and I feel cheated out of knowing her." "You said in our first session that you tried to adopt her?" "Yes, but she died before any final decision was made." "I'm sorry." I nod and wipe my tears. "How was Mulder during all of this?" "Wonderful, except I guess I pushed him away. I needed to deal with this myself." "Why?" "My cancer had just been found to be in remission and I had already relied on Mulder's strength to get me through that. I just didn't want him to think that I was weak and needed him for everything." "But this wasn't 'everything' Dana. Your cancer and your child aren't everyday occurrences; I doubt Mulder would have thought you were needy." "I know, but that's how I felt." "It's all about control, again." "Yes. I've always wanted him to view me as an equal; respect me." "Like Jack?" I find myself becoming confused and I can't get my thoughts together. My head begins to throb, so I rub my temples. This guy is pissing me off and giving me a headache. "Listen. You don't know me; you can't possibly know all the things I've been through in the last six years. Just because you have a diploma on your wall and ask me rhetorical questions, you have no idea what it's been like for me!" I'm on my feet now, punctuation each word by pointing my finger at the ground. He just sits there with a blank look on his face. "So I can be stubborn; so I don't want the man I work with to think I'm weak. . ." "Dana," he interrupts. "Please sit down." I plop back down on the couch, exhausted. "You don't know me." I whisper. I'm visibly shaking with anger and frustration. He gets me a glass of water and when he hands it to me, I have to grasp it with both hands to keep it somewhat still. I hate myself like this. "Just take deep cleansing breaths." I nod and do so. After a few minutes, he asks: "You OK?" "Yes; I think so." "Does this happen often?" "When I can't organize my thoughts, I get like this. I've always been able to articulate, but recently I'm having trouble." "I'm going to strengthen your dosage of Prozac and we'll see how that goes." "I don't want to have to rely on drugs to get me through this." "You won't have to take them forever, Dana. They'll just help you get through the hard part." After my session, I went to Mulder's office, but he wasn't there and neither were all the X-Files. Oh my God, they've shut him down. I go straight to Skinner's office and demand to see him. He must have heard me arguing with his secretary because he came out of his office, told me he was in a meeting and could speak to me in about 30 minutes. I nodded and took a seat on the couch. Finally, the meeting gets out and Skinner ushers me into his office. I don't even give him a chance to talk. "You've shut down the X-Files," I accuse. "Agent Scully, word came down from the top. They've withdrawn all funding for them." "Well, you have to let Mulder and I appeal that decision." "Believe me Agent Scully, I tried to keep them open." "Try harder!" "Agent Scully..." "I don't think you understand what this will do to Mulder! Those Files were his life! That shouldn't be taken away just because I left!" "Agent Mulder didn't seem to take the news as hard as you are. He willingly accepted a job back with Violent Crimes." "VC? That'll destroy him. You know how emotionally involved he's gotten in the past to any crimes that came to us from VC. What if I came back to the X-Files? Could he get them back?" "Agent Scully, you know that, given the recent turn of events with you and Mulder's personal life, you can never be partners." "This is bullshit!" "Agent Scully, please calm down. Now I've told you, I've done all I could." "They physically took the files, sir! Where are they? You let those bastards who have ruined our life take them away. How could you?!" "Agent Scully, if you don't get control of yourself, I am going to have you escorted out of the building." "Don't bother, sir." I get up an leave. "Agent Scully!" He yells after me, but I don't stop. When I'm in my car, I dial Mulder's cell phone. "Mulder." "Mulder, it's me." "Hey Scully. How did your appointment go?" "Mulder; they've shut down the X-Files." I'm hysterical. "Yes, I know; I watched them cart out the files." "How could you just sit there?" Is he out of his mind? "Scully, there's nothing I can do. After you left..." "So you're blaming this on me?!" "No! Listen, where are you? I'd rather talk to you face to face." "I'm in my car heading home." "OK. I'll meet you there." Dana's Apartment He uses his key to get in. The second he closes the door behind him, I ask: "Mulder, what happened to your passion?" "I still have it, I've just redirected it at you." I put my head in my hands and shake my head. "I don't want me to be the reason you're giving up. I couldn't live with myself." He comes and squats in front of me, taking my hands in his. "I'm not giving up. I still have the Bureau, the Gunmen as resources and before they took the X-Files away I made copies of the more important one. In fact, they're sitting in the trunk of my car." I start laughing. "What's so funny?" "I just thought how typical it would be if your car was to explode right now." He smiles and lets out a little chuckle. "Yeah. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if that happened." We both stare at each other, each waiting for a giant 'boom' from the street. When that doesn't happen, he speaks: "I'm not giving up on the truth. It's just from now on you and my sister come first. I'm rearranging were my passion is focused. OK?" "Do you think we'll ever find out the truth?" "Yes." He said that with so much determination, that I lean over and kiss him. "I love you so much Fox William Mulder." He smiles and rests his head in my lap, wrapping his arms around my knees. "Wait? How did you find out about the X-Files?" "I went to work to see you and I saw all the cabinets gone." He nods. "Then I went up and gave Skinner a piece of my mind." He lifts his head. "You didn't?" I stroke his cheek. "Yeah. I really let him have it. But what I really think I did was confirm my craziness." I smile. "I would have love to been a fly on the wall: the woman I love defending me to an ex-Marine. I'm getting turned on just thinking about it." He turns his head and kisses my palm, sending shivers through my entire body. "So you're really going to go back to the BSU and violent crimes?" "Yep. Spooky Mulder lives on." "You going to be OK?" "I hope so, but at least I have you to help keep me sane." I laugh. "I don't know if I'll do a very good job; I can't even keep myself sane." He pulls me from the chair and onto his lap. "Well, you're in luck because I like my women a little wacky. Unpredictablility keeps the relationship on its toes." Then he kisses me and I push him on his back; straddle his hips, lean in and kiss him again. His hands roam up the back of my shirt and I feel his fingers working the hooks on my bra. I smile when he gets it undone and I push myself off him a little bit, balancing on my forearms. This gives him the room he needs to move his hands to my breasts. Our tongues dual while his hands work on my breasts; then the phone rings. He wraps his arms around my waist, crushing me to him. "Don't get it." I try to pull back. "I'm expecting a call from Quantico." He rolls us over, so that I'm on the bottom. "I don't care." He dives in and starts nibbling on my neck. Just as I am about to wrap my legs around his waist, I hear the voice on the answering machine: "Agent Scully, this is Agent Parks at Quantico I was just calling to give you your new assignment..." I push Mulder off me and scrabble for the phone. "Hello! Agent Parks; I was in the shower." I look over at Mulder who has rolled over on his back with his arms stretched out on either side. When I'm done, I go back and sit on the floor next to him. His eyes are closed and there is a 'pup tent' in his pants. I smile and he speaks: "So what's the story, morning glory?" "I'm going to go back to my old position starting, a week from this Monday." He turns towards me, grabs me and pulls me back on top of him. "Good." We make out until his stomach growling causes me to burst out into laughter. "Hey, I'm a growing boy," he defends. "I need to be feed regularly." "Well then? Dinner and a movie?" He nods. I get up, find my bra and shirt, and start walking to the bedroom. "Let me change and we'll go." "Don't go changing just to please me Scully." "Mulder, that's so cute; you trying to be funny." I tease. "Bitch." He teases back. "I heard that." I call from my room. "I know you did." XIII. Monday, May 18th I drove into the Quantico complex; Agent Parks is holding a meeting about a serial killer who has been profiled as a black female, which is contrary toevery standard. I read over the case file this weekend and feel pretty confident that the original profile is fairly accurate, give or take a few details, which is the reason for the meeting. Plus, it will give me a chance to see Scully on her first day at work. In the meeting room I find SAC Parks, Agent Harris, and a couple of other agents I've just meet that past Wednesday. I take a seat next to Harris. "Good Morning Hickey." "You know what, I've decided that every time you call me that, I'm going to call you by your first name, *Fox*," she says in a teasing tone. "Yes! Mission accomplished." She swats my arm. "See if I invite you to my wedding." "When is it?" "June 27th." "Your husband doesn't mind that you deal with this gruesome crap for a living?" "No. He's an ER doctor; so, he sees some pretty sick shit as well." "Ah, a doctor." I rub my fingers together to indicate money. "Well, rumor has it your dating a 'doctor' as well." "Really? Hickey, I thought you were better than office gossip?" "Are you kidding, Fox? Seriously though, I'm glad you two are together; you're perfect for each other." "Yeah, Mr. and Mrs. Spooky. Poor girl lost all her social skills being trapped in that basement of paranoia hell for six years." She laughs and shakes her head. Finally, Parks starts the meeting by passing around pictures of the most recent mutilated victim. God I hate this shit. After the meeting, Harris and I walk to the cafeteria where we pick fun at the trainees while eating our lunch. We talk more about 'the South Carolina Slicer': the name we dubbed our killer; then I go and find Scully. I find her in her new office unpacking her boxes and I watch her, undetected, from the doorway. God she's beautiful. As I continue to stare at her, she bend at the waist to put something in the bottom drawer; her short skirt rides up revealing much of the backs of her legs. I whistle in approval. She quickly stands and turns around. "Mulder, you scared me." "You bend over like that all the time?" "Yep. How do you think I got this gig?" I walk up to her and take her in my arms. "Well, you never bent over like that in my office." She just smiles. "How was your meeting? Did they like your theory?" "Do they ever?" I respond and she gives me one of her 'looks'. "Actually, it went quite well. I heard a few Spooky comments, but other than that... how has your day been?" "Boring. The next group of recruits doesn't come in till the Wednesday after Memorial Day. So until then it's just meetings, autopsies and getting my curriculum together." "Well then, we should go away for Memorial Weekend. What'd you think?" She reaches up and kisses me. "I'd like that, but what about the case you're working on?" "It's not really my case; I'm just consulting on it. Plus, I've got so much vacation time racked up it ain't even funny." As she nods her phone rings, so I take that as my clue to leave. Friday, May 29th My nerves are acting up and Scully can tell because she's lightly rubbing my thigh in an attempt to calm me. "They're here." I stand up quickly and Scully soon joins me. "Hi Fox." My sister and her husband walk up to us in the restaurant waiting area. "Hey Samantha." I give her a brief hug, which she returns. "This is Dana Scully." They shake hands. "It's nice to finally meet you," Scully says. "Likewise. Fox and Dana, this is my husband Michael." After all the introductions were made, the hostess seated us. I feel like I'm drowning. Michael and I keep checking each other out while drilling each other about our work. Scully tries to keep the conversation alive with mindless small talk about art with Sam. I'm half listening to Scully and Sam's conversation while answering Michael's questions. "Fox says you two are seeing each other?" "Yes, but it's only been a little over a month." "But you worked together for six years?" "Yes." "That's about how long Michael and I dated before we were married." "Really? Were you two high school sweethearts?" "No; we didn't meet until my freshman year in college and then I was in graduate school in England for fourteen months." Their conversation went on to talk of Sam's kids and the Baltimore area. Meanwhile, I continue to fall deeper into hell while talking to Michael. He keeps eyeing me like I'm a con artist. Bastard. Finally, Scully rescues me. "Mulder, what time is our flight tomorrow?" "9:30." "Well, I hope you two have fun," Samantha says. "Where're you going?" Michael asks. "I'm taking Scully to Savannah, Georgia for the weekend." "Oh. That's great. Sam and I went to Savannah before Jessica was born and all the tourists started going there." Pompous jerk. I'm sorry I'm not making six Gs a year. Scully catches on to his condescending tone. "Actually, we've both been before, but I have a cousin who lives on a plantation. They're going to be out of town, so they are letting us stay there. That way we'll be away from all the hoopla." She can really tell a lie when she wants to. I squeeze her hand under the table. "That sounds like it'll be very relaxing. I wish I was going, but Sam and I are taking the kids to my parent's Summer home on Long Island." He must have some sort of inferiority complex the way he has to one up me on everything. "Won't the water be too cold for the kids to swim in?" Scully asks in a tone that warns that she's about to get evil. I sit back and watch the show unfold. "That doesn't matter; we have a heated pool." I can tell Sam knows what's going on too because she's staring at her parsley as if it's going to move. "Well that's good. How is Long Island these days? It's not the same elite area it uses to be. Is it?" While Michael is thinking of how to respond, Sam jumps in. "All that matters is the kids get to see their grandparents." I tense at that statement even though I know she didn't mean to hurt me. Scully nods and genuinely smiles in agreement. Dinner went on with an uncomfortable cloud hanging over the table. The minute Scully and I were in my car and away from the restaurant I let it rip. "Jesus H. Christ. What an asshole. Can you believe that crap? Putting down our vacation because it's not good enough from him and Sam. It's a good thing I didn't bring my gun and it's another good thing that I didn't know Sam back then because I would have NEVER let her marry someone like that. I don't give a rat's ass how much he makes." I look over at Scully and she's silently laughing at me. "What?!" "Nothing. I just enjoy listening to you vent." "Yeah; well, there is plenty more where that came from." "He just felt threatened by you. He's used to being the only man in Samantha's life, that's all. Believe me, his behavior did not go unnoticed by your sister. In fact, I'm sure Sam is giving him an earful right now." "I hope so. By the way, were you ever going to tell me about your 'Plantation owning' cousin?" I joke. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to start the 'I'm better than you' war." "Oh, believe me; I don't mind. In fact, it turned me on." I turn and leer at her. "Everything turns you on, Mulder," she said with a laugh. "Not everything; just the things you do." I look over at her again to find her blushing. Eliza Thompson House Savannah, Georgia Saturday, May 30th Mulder booked us in at the most beautiful Bed and Breakfast Inn. The room was huge with a cherry wood, four-poster bed for which I'm going to have to pole-valut into. The room also has matching furniture, hard wood floors, and a set of French doors that lead out to a small porch that overlooks the courtyard in the center of the house. While I'm standing on the porch, Mulder comes up, wraps his arms around my waist and leans into my ear. "You hungry?" He asks. "For you," I respond while putting my hands on top of his. He releases his hold on me, returns to the room, put his ear against the wall and knocks on it. "What are you doing?" "I'm trying to see how thick these walls really are." I laugh, run and jump up on to the fluffy bed, laying back and staring at the ceiling fan. Mulder lies down on his side next to me and lays his hand on my stomach. "I love you." I look into his eyes. "I love you too." He leans down and we begin to kiss. Just as things start getting hot and heavy he stops and jumps off me. "What's wrong?" "Nothing." I'm confused, disappointed and sexually frustrated. I sit up and start straightening my clothes. "I just want us to spend some time playing tourist that's all. If we wanted to stay in bed we could have stayed in DC." I reluctantly nod and join him near the door. Oh well, maybe tonight. We walked through the squares, down to River Street and City Market. We finally stop to eat dinner around 5:30. After some good Southern food, we walked back to the Inn. Once in our room, Mulder kisses me on the cheek, says he'll be right back and disappears. Whatever. I climb back onto the bed. Huh, there are no TVs in the room. I guess they figure their guest will be busy doing other things, which I wish I was. After about twenty minutes he returns holding a bag. "Where the hell did you go?" My nerves are shot and my sexual frustration is at an all-time high. "I just ran out to get us some things." He hesitantly answers. "Well, you could have at least told me that instead of just leaving me here to wonder when you were coming back." "I'm sorry." "Uh huh." He's always sorry. "Damn it Dana." I snap my head to look at him. First name usage means a battle. He continues: "I went to get us this. . ." He pulls a small basket of strawberries out and tosses them on the bed in front of me. "And this." Next is a bottle of wine, which is lightly tossed on the bed. I have to reach my hand out and stop it before it rolls onto the floor. "And this." The next thing that greets me on the bed is a box of condoms. "Have fun with them." Then he leaves. I pick up the box and turn it over and over in my hand; I end up throwing them hard across the room. I go into the bathroom, grab and glass and pour myself some wine. Picking up the complementary magazine that comes with the room I rip open the strawberries and start eating them while reading about Historic Savannah. After about four glasses of wine, I put on the sexy black teddy I bought for this trip and cry myself to sleep. Next Morning I wake up to the sound of the shower running; I look next to me on the bed and can tell that I was the only one who slept here. Climbing out, I strip out of my lingerie and open the bathroom door; it's incredibly steamy. I pull back the shower curtain and step in behind Mulder. When I wrap my arms around him, his body straightens slightly from in surprise. "I'm sorry; I overreacted. I ruined everything again. It's just that I wanted our first time to be perfect and when it wasn't going my way, I got pissed at you. Forgive me?" He stays facing forward. "Damn it, Scully, I don't know how to act around you. I want to stay and hash it out with you, but you're sick and you'll only get angrier and more irrational. So, I just have to walk away, which isn't solving the problem either." I nod against his back. "I'm so very, very sorry. I love you so much for putting up with me; any other guy would have left a long time ago. I don't deserve you." He turns in my arms and wraps his arms around me. He doesn't say anything; we just let the water run down around us. Finally, he leans down and kisses the top of my head. "Where did you sleep last night?" I ask. "I went and sat in the courtyard." "You didn't sleep?" "I may have nodded off for a little bit." "Tired?" "A little." "Do you want to take a small nap? I can go wandering around and come get you for lunch." "Sure." "Mulder?" I feel my voice growing weak. "Yeah?" "From now on I want you to stay and fight with me; tell me when I'm being irrational. OK?" I'm crying into his chest. He puts both his hands on either side of my face and lifts it up to him. "We'll get through this." I nod and try to smile. He leans down, kisses me and then rests his head on my forehead. "I want to make love to you," I tell him. "We will. Tonight." He smiles, releases his hold and steps out of the shower. XIV. Sunday, May 31st When I get out of the shower, I find Mulder fast asleep; so, I quietly dress and go for a walk. I end up sitting on a bench in Monterey Square, which is one block away from the bed and breakfast. I watch numerous tourists taking pictures of these two houses that face the square. A tourist bus rolls by and I can hear the tour guide explaining that one house was Jim Williams' and the other belongs to the Adlers'. It takes me a second to realize that they're the houses from the book 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil', which is on my 'books to read before the millenium' list. Slowly my thoughts drift back to Mulder. I fucked up royally last night; I know that I am not getting any better. Given all the crap I've been through, I know that things could be a lot worst and I should be grateful that my only problem is that I'm a manic depressive. At least the medicine helps and Mulder has given me something I've always wanted: a relationship of unconditional love. I start to think of every time we've almost had sex; I have to laugh as I think of the 'bases'. Mulder and I have fully covered all the other bases, so the tone of voice he used to tell me that we would finally 'hit a homerun' tonight is still sending shivers through my body. I didn't lose my virginity 'til college and I had only been dating him for two months. I remember just lying there, staring at the ceiling and his scrunched up face, waiting for some great thing to happen. It never did. We didn't do it again for a while; I even started thinking that maybe I didn't like sex. Needless to say, the 'great thing' finally happened after a couple of months and then there was no stopping me. Can we say nymphomaniac? By looking at me you'd have had no idea: good Catholic, daddy's girl, who's always got her nose in a book. Hey, still waters run deep. Mulder and I are about to hit seven weeks; actually, six years and three months. Part of me is nervous as all hell. What if it's not good enough, or I'm not good enough for him? How does he like it? Rough? Hard and fast? Slow and passionate? All of the above at once? Good God, I haven't done it in two years! When was the last time he did it and with whom? Probably a one-night stand: long brown hair, tall, curvy in all the right places. Jesus, Dana; stop it. He's with you now and your sexual past has been all that pure either. I glance down at my watch: 10:30. I pick myself from the bench and continue to walk. I circle Forsythe Park a couple times then stop in at little boutiques along the route back to the B&B. When I get back to our room it's about 12:15. I find Mulder still asleep in the bed. His bare back is facing me, so I walk around, sit on the bed next to him and lightly rub his shoulder. He stirs, grabs my hand and brings it to his lips to kiss. "You ready to get up?" I ask. He smiles and slightly nods while keeping his eyes closed. He looks so sweet and innocent curled up in the bed that I let out a little chuckle. "What's so funny?" he asks. "Nothing; its just that you look so adorable as opposed to your normal egotistical bastard look." "Oh yeah. Well, when you sleep you look like an innocent little girl compared to your dominating bitch look." I laugh: "But it's that dominating bitch that you love." "You know it." I kick off my shoes and climb into bed with him. We wrap our arms around each other; as I kiss his nose and come upon another realization. "Mulder, you're naked." "Umm-hmm," he responds as he snuggles up closer to me. I can feel his erection pressing into my leg. He has a smug smile on his face; so, I reach down and grab his ass and press him even closer to me. He rolls me onto my back and we devour each other with kisses. I feel ridiculous: here's is this naked, gorgeous man on top of me and I have all of my clothes on. He breaks the kiss and rolls onto his side. "What did you do with them?" "What?" I ask, confused. "The condoms." "Oh." I sit up and look towards the wall and I find them on the floor across from the bed. I point them out to Mulder. He gets up and goes to the door. He takes the 'Do not Disturb' sign and opens the door slightly to hang it up. I love watching his naked body move. I start to remove my clothing as he goes to pick up the box. Turning around, he catches me removing my blouse. "Don't," he tells me. I drop my hands as he walks back to the bed. "I want to." He places the box on the nightstand and slowly begins to remove my blouse followed by my bra, shorts, underwear and socks all while kissing various parts of my body. I feel myself becoming dizzy. Finally, he climbs back on top of me, balancing himself above me. "You have no idea how much you mean to me. I love you so much." He has such an intense look in his eyes. I smile, stroke his cheek and whisper: "Show me." I run my fingers through her hair while her head rests on my chest. Smiling at the satisfied look on her face. I look over at the clock; it's almost 3:45. Jesus, we've been going at it since 12:30. I have to smile again, this time because of my stamina. Who am I kidding; we both haven't had it in so long we're just making up for lost time. I was right about her though: she's a definite moaner. But to my surprise, she's also a big scratcher. In fact I think my back has been sliced up, not that I'm complaining. I don't think I called her 'Dana' once. Just as well, Dana is Mrs. Scully's daughter. Scully is my lover. My stomach starts to growl and I pray for it to stop so it doesn't wake her. My prayers go unanswered. "We have to do something about that stomach of yours. Maybe keep a snack on the nightstand." Scully says as she lifts her head up to look at me. "Sorry," I answer as a pull her on top of me. "It's okay." She rests her head back on my chest. "Well, it's safe to say you've cured my sexual frustration." "Well, at least I'm good for something" She nods and starts to places light kisses on my chest and before I know it, we've put another condom to good use. After which, I get up to go to the bathroom. "Oh my God," she exclaims. "What?" I ask as I turn back to look at her. "Mulder, I've completely destroyed your back. Look." She points towards the mirror I go over to it, turn and look. "Attractive," I mumble. "I'm so sorry." I look back at her, smile and wink. "I'm not. It gives me something to show the guys at work." She gives me a look then says: "Well, just be careful in the shower; hot water is going to make it sting." "I guess you'll just have to shower with me so you can block the flow from the showerhead." She smiles, gets up and joins me in the bathroom. Later, we get dressed for dinner. "Mulder, I'm not going to be able to walk tomorrow." She informs me while we walk down to City Market to eat. I put my arm around her. "Too much for ya', huh?" She laughs. I live to hear her laugh. "It'll be OK. We're going to be traveling most of tomorrow anyway." "I don't want to go home." "Me neither, but I have killers to catch and you have students to enlighten." We ate at an Italian restaurant. I had veal and Scully had scalloped shrimp over linguini. When we leave, I find a stand that holds several brochures where I find one for a Haunted Tour of Historic Savannah. "Oh, Scully check this out." I hand it to her and after she's had a chance to read it she looks up at me. "I'm assuming you want to go on this." I take it back from her and scan the times. "Yeah! See, look, there is one leaving at 7:30. We can make it." I take her hand and pull her in the direction of the carriage stop. I buy our tickets and we climb on board. "Hey, Scully if you get scared, you can hold my hand." I tease. She gives me another look. "Thanks for doing this Scully." She smiles. "I don't mind. We don't get to chase ghosts together anymore; so, I guess this is the next best thing." "I though us having sex was." She elbows me in the ribs. Our driver climbs on board and the journey starts. We tour several 'haunted' houses and a couple graveyards. We finally get back to our hotel room at 9:30. "So Scully, what are you in the mood for?" "Bed." "I take her in my arms and plant little kisses along her neck. "Mulder as much as I would love to, I can't. I'm starting to hurt." I stand straight back up. "I'm sorry." "I'm not." She answers and winks. "I think I want a drink." "You think?" "No. I know I want a drink. Wine." "Do you want me to run to the store and get some?" "Please." "Be right back." When I come back, she's slipped into bed with a black teddy on. "It's cruel to tempt me like that." "I know, but I bought it for this trip and I've never gotten to wear it." I pour us two glasses and climb into bed with her. I sit up and pull her back against my chest. She has a book in her hand. "What are you reading?" "'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil'. I haven't started it yet, I just bought it today while you were sleeping." "So that's what the tour guide kept talking about. Jeez, the way he spoke about it you'd think he thought everybody has read it." "Well, Mulder, it's been on the Best Seller list for almost 4 years. They even made a movie about it." "Really? I need to get out more." I take a sip of wine. "You want me to read to you?" "Sure." She hands me the book and I get started. After an hour of reading I look down to find her fast asleep. I shift her onto the pillow next to me. She stirs slightly and I whisper for her to go back to sleep. I continue the novel to myself for about another hour before I go to sleep. Monday, June 1st In the afternoon we leave for the airport. I'm a little worried about how things will go when we get back home. We left most of our problems in DC. I glance at Scully, who's reading her book. I want her to get well; I still feel responsible, though I would never let her know that. She'd have my head on a platter. I watched her take her medicine this morning and the guilt just ripped through me. She's so strong, beautiful and intelligent. What in God's name does she see in me? I'm torn between whether it is a blessing or a curse for her to stay with me: a blessing for me and a curse for her. They call our flight to board. XV. Friday, June 19th I sit in Dr. Hollis' waiting room with my head in my hands. Scully and her mother have been in there for almost an hour. I hope that she'll come to her senses and see how sick she really is. It turned from bad to worse when we got back from Savannah. She became more irrational: taking the term paranoid to a new level, crying, throwing things and even discussing suicide. After about three weeks of trying to be helpful, I finally called her mother and Doctor Hollis. He recommended we commit Scully to a private hospital for treatment on her depression; hence the meeting today. I feel sick to my stomach at what has become of her. I am a curse. Finally, Mrs. Scully opens the door. Her face is red and puffy from crying and I feel the knife in my stomach twist. "Fox, you can come in now." I nod, stand and walk into the office. I see Scully sitting on the couch, tissue clutched in her hand and her face mirroring her mother's. She looks up at me and sadly tries to smile; I give her a small smile back in return, take a seat next to her and grasp her free hand. Doctor Hollis speaks: "Dana has agreed to check herself into Memorial Pines Hospital." I nod; Memorial is a private mental hospital just outside of DC in Virginia that has an excellent reputation. I look over at Scully and smile again. Doctor Hollis continues: "I would still be Dana's psychiatrist, but there'll be another doctor on-site who will consult and recommend treatment for Dana. I've called and she can check in tomorrow morning." He goes over to a file and pulls out a bunch of forms. "Read over these." He hands them to Mrs. Scully. "There're a couple of administration forms that need to be filled out along with a list of what you can and cannot bring with you to Memorial Pines." I watch Scully as she continues to take deep breaths; so she can calm down and stop crying. "Thank you, Doctor Hollis," Mrs. Scully responds while standing up. "Yes, thanks a lot." I stand and shake his hand. Scully slowly gets to her feet with a little help from her mother and me. "Thank you." She timidly tells the doctor. "You're welcome, Dana. I'll see you sometime tomorrow afternoon. Okay?" She nods and we leave the office. Once we're in the parking lot she speaks again. "Mom?" "Yes, dear?" "I'm going to ride back with Mulder to my apartment. Okay?" "No problem dear. I'll meet you two there." With that, she makes her way to her car. Scully looks up at me. "I'm sorry." I feel my heart break. She looks so small and scared; nothing like the woman I fell in love with. "It's okay; it's not your fault." I hug her and kiss the top of her head. "You're going to get through this. You're the strongest woman I know." "I don't feel so strong anymore." She climbs into my car and we drive in silence back to her apartment. Her mom makes dinner while I help Scully pack. When dinner is ready we eat while making small talk. Finally, we start looking through and filling out the forms and brochures that Doctor Hollis gave us. Scully starts scanning the list of stuff that you can't bring and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" Her mom asks. "I can't bring shoelaces with me. I guess they figure I'll try to hang myself with them." She keeps laughing, so hard that tears start sliding down her face. Her mother and I just watch her while glancing at each other every once and a while. Suddenly, Scully takes her hand and swipes all the forms off the table. "Dana!" Her mom exclaims. Scully puts her head in her hands and starts to cry: "I don't want to be crazy. Why's this happening to me?" Her mother is instantly by her side rocking her and telling her everything is going to be okay. I never have felt so uncomfortable and out of place. Scully slowly calms down and we go back to filling out the forms. "Fox, do you want to meet us back here in the morning to take Dana to Memorial Pines?" "Yeah; that would be fine." "Okay. Dana, honey, I think you should go to bed now. I've been watching you yawn for the last hour." She nods and slowly gets up. "Do you need any help?" her mom asks. "No. Goodnight Mom, Mulder. Thanks." As soon as her bedroom door closes, Mrs. Scully turns to me. "Fox, she's really going to need you more than ever to get through this." "I know and I plan on being there for her." "Good. I just hope that your job doesn't interfere to much." I know what she is implying. "Not to worry; she comes first from now on." She smiles and pats my hand. "I'm going to get going now. I'm just going to say 'bye' to Dana." I get up and walk to her room. Knocking softly, I hear her voice telling me to come in. I open the door and she's placing last minute items in her suitcase. "I'm going to go home now; see you in the morning." She nods. "I love you." She nods, again. "Sleep tight." I go to leave. "Mulder?" I turn back to her. "Yeah?" "I love you, too." I smile and leave. Saturday, June 20th It took us about two hours to check me in and have lunch. I keep watching my mother; she seems to be handling this well. On the other hand, I can tell Mulder is swimming in guilt. I don't even have the energy to tell him that he shouldn't. He's Mulder and he'll always feel guilty; I just have to give him credit at his attempt to hide it. Doctor Hollis finally arrives and leads us all into an office. Inside, we're introduced to Doctor Hartlaub who's a taller man with thinning strawberry blonde hair. After we've all taken a seat, Dr. Hartlaub starts to speak. "Dana, I've been reviewing your file and I think the best course of action would be to continue with the counseling and medication. I'm also going to prescribe some TCA, tricyclic, which is an antidepressant. We'll monitor that treatment till we decide on the next step." I stare at my faded white, laceless Keds while only half listening to him explain my condition. Afterwards, I walk back to my room with Mulder and my mom. It's actually not that bad of a room, considering how horrible it could be. There's a built-in desk, a single bed, separate bathroom, no tub - no way to drown yourself - and a closet. It's like a cream-colored dorm room. I sit down on my bed with my mom while Mulder sits in the desk chair. "Honey, are you going to be okay?" "Yeah, mom; it will just take some getting used to." "Well call me if there is anything you need me to bring you. When are the visiting hours again?" "Every weekday from 7-9pm and Saturday and Sunday from 12-4." I inform them. "Okay. I'll stop by and see you tomorrow." "You don't have to, Mom. I'll be fine." "You sure?" "Yes." I look over at Mulder who's been looking at his hands the entire time. "Dana, do you want us to stay till four?" I look at my watch; it's 2:30. "No, that's okay; but if you don't mind, I'd like to talk to Mulder for a second." He looks up at me for the first time. "All right; I'll be right outside." She gets up and leaves. When the door closes I turn to Mulder. "Come sit next to me." He slowly gets up and takes a seat next to me on the bed. I lean against him and he puts his arms around me. "Thank you." I tell him. I feel him nod against the top of my head. "Tell me how you feel." I ask him. "Helpless." "You shouldn't; the fact that you're here and you love me is help enough." "I just wish I could do more. I feel like this is all..." "Your fault?" I finish for him. "I know you don't want to hear that, but yes; I feel responsible for your condition." I take a deep breath. "I don't think there is anything I can say to change you mind. Is there?" He shakes his head and tightens his hold on me. I look up and kiss him softly on his lips. He frames my face with his hands and deepens the kiss. "Don't ever forget how much I love you." he tells me. "How could I forget; you practically tell me everyday?" I tease. "Yeah, well growing up I never heard my father tell my mother he loved her and vice versa." He looks so sad. "Really?" God that's depressing. He nods. "I'm sorry. I love you, too." "You're sure you don't want anyone to visit you tomorrow?" "Yes. I need to get used to this place if I'm going to be here for a while." He leans down and passionately kisses me again. "I'm going to miss you like crazy. Oops. Wrong choice of words." I laugh. "It's okay. Have fun at work." "I'll try. I'll come see you on Monday after work." "I'll be waiting with bells on." "Promise?" he leers. Sunday, June 21st It's Father's Day; therefore, there're a lot of kids visiting their dads. I think about if my father were still alive. I start silently crying to myself thinking about how disappointed he would be in me. His intelligent, headstrong Starbuck reduced to a miserable depressive. I've been hiding in my room since breakfast; I can't face all these people. Do I look as bad as they do? I get up and carefully study myself in the bathroom mirror. I was wrong; I look worse. I splash cold water on my face in an attempt to reduce the redness in my cheeks from the crying. After I'm done drying off, there's a knock at my door. "Come in." Dr. Hartlaub walks in. "Hello Dana. How is everything going?" I shrug my shoulders: "Okay, I guess." He doesn't believe me; hell, I don't look very convincing. He continues: "Well, we're having a group session now, if you'd like to attend. It'll give you a chance to meet some of the other patients." I nod. "Good. We'll be starting in ten minutes in Room F." He smiles and leaves. Great, where's Jerry Springer when you need him? After about seven minutes I slowly make my way to the room. There are a few people in there; they're those who don't have someone visiting them. I take a seat in the circle. Finally, Dr. Hartlaub enters and the session gets started. He briefly introduces me to the group. I get a few 'hi's and one 'welcome to the coo-coo's nest' for a skinny black man with a feminine voice; I believe Dr. Hartlaub said his name was Dawitt. I smile and nod my head back to the group. I listen to a couple people talk about there problems: my husband verbally abuses me, my parents were divorced and shipped me back and forth, and so on. Their problems are actually quite interesting from a clinical point of view and they also give me some perspective on my life. If I were to explain the source of some of my problems they would flat out tell me I was crazy. I smile to myself: now I know how Mulder feels. I didn't have to say anything unless I felt comfortable, it being my first time and all. I opted to stay silent. After the meeting, I made my way to the TV room and sat on the couch. A couple people were already in there watching 'Flashdance' on TBS. Before I knew it, Dawitt came and sat down beside me. "I just love your hair, what's the color called?" Don't be afraid to be blunt. I like him. "How do you know this is not my natural color?" "Honey, please." He leans in and whispers in my ear: "Your roots are starting to show." My hand instantly goes to my roots. "Is it bad?" "Nah. I'm the only one who'll notice. I don't know if you remember, but my name is Dawitt." He goes to shake my hand. I return the gesture. "I remember; it's nice to meet you. How long have you been here?" "Oh... almost a month. It's not so bad, once you get the hang of it." He pulls a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, takes one, lights and starts to smoke it. He notices me watching him. "I'm sorry, how rude of me. You want one?" I stare at the pack for a couple seconds then take one. He lights it for me and I take a drag. I instantly feel relaxed as the nicotine runs through my veins. It's been a long time since I've had one. "Listen. If you let me know the color you use to dye your hair, I can get my mom to bring you a bottle. It will be our secret." He puts his finger to his lips. I laugh and give him the information. He continues to talk about new hairstyles I should try. He actually has some good ideas. Thursday, June 25th Mulder shows up right at seven like clockwork. How can I not help but love him? He finds me playing cards with Dawitt. I call over to Mulder, to get his attention. He walks over and I hear Dawitt say: "Jesus Dana, he gets better looking every time he comes." I turn and smile at him. "I know; so hands off." He imitates a cat with claws. Dawitt and Mulder have yet to officially meet, so I introduce them. "Hey Mulder. This is my friend, Dawitt. He's from Africa - Sudan." They shake hands. "It's nice to me you, Mulder." Dawitt looks him up and down making Mulder uncomfortable causing me to laugh. "Well, Dana, we'll finish this card game later." "Sure thing." Dawitt gets up and leaves and Mulder and I walk into my room. He instantly spots the pack of cigarettes on my desk. "I thought you were going to stop." "Don't start with me, Mulder. It's not easy being here." I warn. He shrugs his shoulders and sits on my bed placing me on his lap. "It's just when I kiss you I don't want to taste it." "Then don't kiss me." "Can't help myself." He slowly kisses me while lying me back on the bed. I push him lightly off me. He stretches out beside me and takes me in his arms. "How's work? Still getting ready for the grand jury?" They caught the South Carolina Slicer back in mid May and now they are getting ready for trial. "Yeah. It's going to be long hours after Agent Harris leaves for her honeymoon." "When's her wedding?" "This Saturday." "Are you going to go?" "I was going to come see you." "You don't have to Mulder. You're here more than some of the patients; I'm surprised you haven't checked yourself in." He laughs. "Yeah, well I've been thinking about it. Do you think they'd let us share a room?" "Mulder, you should go to her wedding. It'll be good for you to be out among the 'normal'. Plus, I'm sure my mom will come see me." "You're sure you don't mind." "Of course not." "I mean this isn't one of those girl things were you tell me to go and then when I do, you only get mad. Is it?" Now I laugh. "No; I promise, I won't." He kisses my forehead and we continue to talk while lying in my bed. "How's your treatment going?" "Honestly, I don't feel any different. I still find myself crying over the smallest things. I'm meeting with Dr. Hollis and Hartlaub on Monday. They're going to suggest some optional treatments. I feel like a guinea pig." "I know, but they're good doctors and this is a good hospital; they know what they are doing here. Trust me." "I do." XVI. Sunday, June 28th I get to the hospital at 12:30 and find Scully sitting in the TV Room blankly staring at the television set and smoking a cigarette. She doesn't even notice me when I take a seat next to her. I silently watch her finish the cigarette and after she puts it out, I gently rest my hand on her knee. "Scully?" "Mulder." She looks genuinely surprised. "How long have you been here?" "Not long. How are you doing?" "I'm a little tired. One of the patients had a rather loud episode last night and I had trouble getting back to sleep. Hey, how was the wedding?" "It was like any other wedding: bridesmaids looking for action, drunk groom's men and hysterical relatives. I did bring you this though." I show her a piece of wrapped up wedding cake. "You want to eat it now?" She takes it from my hands. "No thanks. I'll save it for later; thank you." She gives my a quick peck on my lips and I can taste the tobacco. I glance at the TV, it's 'Dallas'. I take her hand in mine and we stare at the screen together. Monday, June 29th I was sitting in my office reviewing the interrogation room interview with Sarah Anne Wiley, the South Carolina Slicer, when the phone rang. "Mulder." "Fox, its Margaret." She sounded upset. "What's wrong? Is something a matter with Scully?" Now I'm frantic. "Yes, they had to heavily sedate her. Apparently she went in for her consultation this morning and when they recommended the new line of treatment she... she's not pleased. Anyway, they called me to drive down there and talk to her and I thought I'd see if you wanted to be there too?" "I'll meet you down there." I hang up the phone, grab my coat and bolt out of my office. It takes me about 45 minutes to get there and Mrs. Scully is waiting for me in the lobby. "Hello Fox. Dana's been asleep since I called you. We're all going to talk to her when she wakes up." I nod and sit next to Mrs. Scully. "Do you know when that will be?" "They said they'd wake her up in about thirty minutes; she hasn't been sleeping well." "What did they say to her?" "I didn't get all the specifics over the phone because I was too concerned for Dana." I tell Mrs. Scully about how withdrawn Scully has become and how she told me she didn't think her current treatment was doing anything for her. Finally, a nurse comes in and tells us that Dana's woken up. We're lead to Dr. Hartlaub's office; inside I see Dr. Hollis, an orderly and Scully, who's sitting on the couch looking like she's been hit by a Mac truck. The minute Scully see us, she jumps up, runs and throws herself at me. "Oh, Mulder. Thank God you're here; you won't let them run their test on me. They're going to hurt me again." I give the doctors a questioning glance while holding Scully tightly to me! Dr. Hartlaub speaks: "Both Doctor Hollis and I agree that the next best step of treatment for Dana would be to administer Electroconvulsive Therapy. . ." Dana interrupts: "Mulder, don't let them! They're in on it, Mulder; they just want to run tests on me! What if they remove the chip in my neck? I'll get cancer and die!" "Shhh. Scully, no one here wants to hurt you." I tell her. "These are good doctors and they know what's best for you." She violently pushes herself away from me. "You're in on it too! Oh my God! Mom?" She looks pleadingly at her mother wanting so badly for someone to believe her. "Dana, honey, nobody is here to hurt you. We all want to help you. Trust me, Dana. You believe me. Right?" She speaks in a soothing motherly voice. Tears that were filling up Dana's eyes quickly begin to fall as she shakes her head. "They already took my ova. What if they take something else? This was all part of their plan! They made me crazy so I would have to come to this hospital for treatment!" Dr Hollis speaks: "Dana, we only want to help you." "How long have you been working for them? How much are they paying you?" "Scully. Look at me." I tell her. "You know I would never let anyone harm you. I love you. Okay? So lets just hear what the doctors have to say." She just stares at me. "Can I speak with her in private?" I ask everyone in the room. "It will be okay. Promise." The doctors hesitantly agree and everyone quietly leaves. I sit on the couch. "Come sit next to me, Scully." She sits at the far end of the couch. "Scully, listen to me." She nods. "I. Will. Not. Let. Them. Hurt. You. I love you very much and you know that because I tell you everyday." She smiles slightly. "Now, if you want to be sure, I can have the Gunmen run a background check on the doctors before they start the treatment. Okay?" "Okay." "All right. I need for you to calm down and listen to what the doctors have to say." "Fine." "Good. I'm going to let everyone come back in now." I get up to go to the door, but Scully grabs my wrist. "I can't go through that again," she whispers. "You won't." I assure her. I let everyone back in and Doctor Hartlaub begins to explain the treatment. Later that Night Lone Gunman's Office "Electroconvulsive Therapy," Langly exclaims. "Yeah. Tell me what you guys know about it." "Well, ECT has always been in a hot topic of debate between physicians. It's clinical value has always been questioned not to mention the apparent cruelty that have been portrayed on journalistic/tabloid shows and its history of abuse. But it has in several cases been proven to be effective; usually for those with severe melancholic or delusional depressions. Spotty, but persistent memory loss and states of confusion right after the ECT are the most common effects." Byers relays to me. I nod my head. "What other treatment is used to cure depression? I'm not sure what Scully's diagnosis is." "Various medications can help. Most patients start off with Prozac and other antidepressants and neuroleptics. If that fails a lithium based drug is usually prescribed." "Is monoamine oxidase inhibitors a lithium based drug?" I ask. Langly cuts in: "Yep; MAOI is the lithium drug of choice among physicians." "ECT is the last resort if the patient is nonresponsive to the other treatments." Byers concludes. "Well, what do you think guys?" I'm still confused. "What are the doctors' names again?" Frohike asks. "Michael Hollis and Jack Hartlaub." "When do they want to start treatment on her?" "Wednesday morning. Two treatments a week for three weeks; six treatments total." "We'll see what we can dig up on them. Other than that, if the current therapy isn't working, then ECT may be her only choice." "Jesus." My poor Scully. "Don't worry Mulder, she'll barley feel a thing. They administer anesthetics and muscle relaxants along with ventilatory assistance and your usual blood pressure and EKG monitoring. Plus, the seizures threshold varies from patient to patient and only the lowest amount of electrical energy is used to induce an adequate seizure." Langly tries to assure me. "But still..." "I know, but this is the exquisite Agent Scully we're talking about," Frohike says. "Guys, if you could see how this disease has killed her spirit; it's sick." I shudder. "How does she feel about ECT?" Byers asks. "She's afraid it's a government conspiracy. I told her I would have you check up on her doctors before we did anything. I don't know what her clinical views on the treatment are; she so sick now, she can barley think straight." "Her mom?" "She wants to do what ever will get her daughter well." "We'll work on this tonight and get back to you in the morning. Okay?" Byers tells me. "Sure thing. Thanks a lot." Later, I sit in my dark apartment bouncing my basketball. I should be the one at Memorial Pines. I think about the memory loss. What will she forget? What she did for Thanksgiving in 1996? Our trip to California? Being in love with me? Emily's death? I'm almost glad now that they took the X-Files away from me. How much more hell were they planning on putting us through? I haven't given up; I still intend to find out the truth about what happened to Scully during her abduction. I just hope we make the right the decision. I told her I wouldn't let them hurt her. I made a vow that I intend to keep. XVII. Tuesday, June 30th I sit in my 'cell' with hot tears sliding down my cheeks. Visiting hours have ended and Mulder and my mom have just left. He says he had the Gunmen run checks on my doctors and everything looks clean. I'm stilled scared; these people are always good at covering their tracks. They're going to torture me; maybe even kill me. I can't eat anything because of the anesthetics they are giving me in the morning. Oh God, it's still going to hurt. I find myself rocking back and fourth on my bed when someone knocks on the door. The nurse lets herself in, sits down on the bed next to me and starts to tell me how things are going to go in the morning. I'm not listening to her, only nodding whenever her lips stop. Finally, she leaves and I crawl under my covers and continue to cry. I begin to shiver and shake, eventually falling into unconsciousness. I'm in a field of wildflowers wearing a long, sheer baby blue skirt and a white tanktop. I don't seem to care at the visibility of my white bikini underwear through my skirt. It's windy, but not too windy. My hair is longer and less harsh than how I wear it at work. It's sunny, but I can't find the sun. I start walking through the field and even though my feet are bare, I don't feel a thing. In the distance I see a white gazebo. It seems far away, but it only takes me a second to reach it. There, I find Emily sitting in the middle playing with building blocks. She looks up and smiles at me; I smile back, taking a seat next to her on the floor. I can see that she's still wearing the cross I gave her once. I briefly glance out over the steps of the gazebo and back into the field; when I look back, Emily and her blocks are no longer there. I start to cry as I stand up and look out into the field for her. I don't find her, but now there's a lake with a wooden raft anchored out in the center. I can make out a figure on the raft and without a second thought to my clothes I start to swim out to it. When I climb up onto the raft my clothes are mysteriously dry. The person is Mulder; he slowly gets up and walks toward me. He puts his right hand on my cheek, leans in and whispers in my left ear: 'sometimes even a single feather's enough to fly'. He kisses me, parting my lips, I draw him in. We slowly sink to the floor of the raft. He slides my skirt up to my waist and removes my underwear. I feel him sink into me and I arch my back up to meet him. We stare into each other's eyes as he moves in and out of me. I find myself drawn into his dilated pupils: there I see my past in quick, flashing, pictures. I lean up to look deeper, but I reach my orgasm at the same time. Squeezing my eyes shut, my head falls back onto the raft. I feel his lips briefly kiss mine, but when I open my eyes he's also gone. Looking down at myself, I find that I'm dressed again. Then I notice a blue feather teetering on the edge of the raft, threatening to spill over into the water. I walk over and pick it up. Now I am in Mulder's office dressed for work. I walk over to the X-Files and pull out my file. It's strangely thin, like there's nothing in it. I open it and find only the blue feather. I carefully touch it then put it and the file away. When I turn around I'm in a large dark room with only a strobe light flashing. There are numerous pregnant women lying on the tables. The only movement is the rise and fall of their chest. I walk up to one of the women and when I look down I see that it's me. I quickly pull back the sheet and look at my expanded stomach. I lay my hand on it; then someone grabs my wrist and yanks it back. Spinning around to see who it is, I find myself face to face with Duane Barry. I let out a blood-curdling scream and wake up with sweat pouring out of every pore in my body. I take a few deep breaths and get up to splash some cold water on my face. I don't even recognize the reflection in the mirror. I kneel on the floor, tuck my chin to my chest, rest my hands against my forehead and start to pray. "God, I know you must feel as though I have deserted you, but I need you to be here for me. I'm so scared. I don't want to die. I can't go through that again. You've saved me so many times before; I just need your strength to get through this. My mother needs me; she can't lose another daughter. Please God, watch over me and don't let them hurt me." I break down into tears, curl up, and lie down on the floor of the bathroom. This is where the nurse and orderly find me in the morning. I'm sure my body is stiff, but I don't feel any pain. The orderly picks me up and places me in a wheelchair. I put up no resistance. I'm wheeled into a room and the nurse preps me for the treatment. A couple seconds after the IV line is placed in my arm, I drift off. Wednesday, July 1st First, I notice the pain. I feel like I've been hit by a freight train. Second, I notice that I'm in a bed. Someone is holding my hand; I open my eyes to see who it is. I find my mother smiling. "Dana? Can you hear me?" I nod my head and slowly sit up. My mother reaches behind me and arranges the pillows to better comfort me. "How are you feeling?" "Rough." My voice is incredibly raspy. She hands me a glass of water. I take it from her and find that my hand is shaking so badly that she has to help me guide it to my mouth. "Mulder?" I ask. "He'll be here soon; he probably got caught in traffic." "Do you remember any of it?" I shake my head; I don't think so. I'm so confused. I look at the surgical bracelet on my wrist, but my eyes can't focus on the words. My mom sits on the bed next to me and gathers me into her arms. I start to quietly cry, so she soothes me back into sleep. When I wake again, I find a nurse taking my blood pressure. I jerk away from her out of fear and shock. "Dana, it's okay. I'm just checking to see how you're doing. How do you feel?" I just stare at her. "Well, if you need anything just let me know. There's some water and crackers there if you get hungry." She points to a tray on my desk. I turn my head so that I'm staring at the wall. When I hear her leave, I slowly make my way to the bathroom. I climb into the shower; I can't remember the last time I took one. I feel my strength fading; so, I sit on the little metal seat and let the water run over me. I can't even gather up the motivation to get the shampoo bottle. After a while, I hear a knock on my bathroom door. "Dana? You okay?" It's Dawitt. "Yeah," I respond weakly. "You need any help?" I nod, but then realize that he can't see me. So, I answer out loud. He comes in, turns off the shower, picks up the shampoo bottle and puts some in his hands. "Close your eyes. I'm not going to be responsible for soap in the eyes." I do so and I feel him work up lather in my hair. "I'm going to turn back on the shower, I need you to try to get the soap out." I nod. He turns back on the shower and I slowly wash the suds out of my hair. "Okay." I tell him when I'm done. He turns off the shower and does his best to dry me off as I sit immobile on the seat. He leaves and comes back with my bedclothes. I help him dress me as much as my weak body can. Finally, he picks me up and takes me back to bed. I don't seem to give a shit that in an extremely odd way we've shared an intimate moment. He hands me the plate of crackers and starts to brush my hair. "Your mom and boyfriend were here earlier." He tells me. "He told me to tell you that." "They were? I don't remember." I place a cracker on my tongue and let it dissolve. "I'm not surprised. You've had a rough day. How do you feel?" "Confused, disoriented." "Well I guess it's working. That's how most people feel." "I don't know if I can do this again, much less five more times." "It will be okay. Just think about getting well." "What time is it?" "9:30. You've been out pretty much all day." "Miss anything good?" He finishes with my hair and begins to knead my shoulders. "Isaac Mizrahi showed some of his new fall line on Oprah. Honey, I am getting so sick of those muted colors. I love bright primary colors. You would look smashing in sapphire blue. With your pale skin and red hair..." "I'd look like an American Flag." He laughs, "And just in time for the Fourth. Oh, Linda left and a new guy came today. Looks like he crawled out of a coal mine in West Virginia." I smile and pop another cracker in my mouth. This time I chew. He stops massaging my shoulders, moves off my bed and sits in the desk chair. I moan in protest. "Is your next treatment on Sunday?" I nod. "Your Foxy boyfriend will be here tomorrow. Your mom has to pick up your bother at the airport." I cough because I've sucked bits of the cracker into my throat. "My brother?" "Yeah, Foxy told me he was coming into town." "I have two brothers. Do you know which one?" "No, sorry." God, I hope it's not Bill. As mean as that sounds, that's the last person Mulder needs to see. "I'm going to watch some TV. Want to come?" I shake my head. "I'm going to finish these crackers and go to bed. Thanks for all your help." "No problem, honey." He gets up and leaves. Thursday, July 2nd 7:00 p.m. When Mulder arrives he finds me in my room reading a Vogue magazine that Dawitt gave me. I smile and stand up to hug him. He kisses my forehead and places me in his lap as he sits on the bed. I keep my arms wrapped around his chest and rest my head on his shoulder. "How are you feeling today?" "Better, though I still feel a little woozy." "I was here yesterday, but you were knocked out." "Yeah, Dawitt told me. Thanks for coming anyway." We talk about the treatment. I tell him what very little I remember about it. "Mulder?" "Yes?" "What am I going to do when I get out?" The FBI kind of has this little rule about people with diagnosed mental problems working there. Not that I blame them, I really don't feel like going back there anyway. Teaching at Quantico wasn't really a life goal of mine; I just thought I could still help Mulder by being there. At least they're paying the bill, one less thing to worry about. "Let's worry about that later. Shall we?" "Sure." I bury his nose in my chest. He tightens his hold on me and softly strokes my hair. We must have been sitting there for quite sometime because Mulder breaks me out of my trance by saying: "Scully, as much as I hate to move you, my legs are falling asleep." "Oh, sorry." I get off his lap and we lay down together. I rest my head back on his chest. "Skinner says 'hello'," he tells me. "Tell him I said 'hi'." I pause before asking my next question. "Do people know where I am? I mean beside Skinner and my boss at Quantico." "Just Agent Hick... Harris. And she doesn't know that much about it. I think everyone else just thinks that Spooky Mulder finally chased you off." "Well that's good," I joke. He rolls me over so that he's on top. "You think that's funny." I grin and nod. He leans in and I watch his lips get closer to mine. Before long, we are in a fiery embrace kissing each other fully. I can feel his erection pressing against me. Murmuring in his ear I tell him that I want so badly to make love to him. He moans in response and kisses his way down my neck. "When you get home, we'll have an all day, all night marathon." He tells me between kisses. A knock on the door causes us to jump apart like two teenagers caught in the act. Mulder sits up and makes me lean my back against him. "I need you to hide some evidence," he whispers in my ear. I laugh and shift my body. "Come in." A nurse walks in. "Dana, I just need to know if you're going to eat dinner tonight. You forgot to put in your name in for what you want." "I'm sorry. What are my choices?" "Pepper steak or lasagna." "Lasagna, please." She nods, shuts the door and Mulder immediately begins to nibble on my ear and neck. I squirm in his arms. "Stop moving, unless you want me to have an accident." I start laughing hysterically. Sometimes I think he does these things just to make me laugh. And I love him for it. I settle back into his chest. "Where's my mom?" "Oh, she's picking up Charlie at the airport. He'll be here tomorrow. Didn't Dawitt tell you?" I shrug my shoulders, "He might have; I don't remember. How long is Charlie going to be here?" "'Til Saturday." Right before my second ECT. "What about Bill?" I feel Mulder slightly tense beneath me. "He couldn't make it with work and his son." "I really hate this, Mulder." "I know. It'll be over soon and you'll be well. Everything is going to be all right. You've been through a lot worse." "I'm just scared I won't remember really important things. I can already tell it's slipping." "I know, I know. But you are going to be okay. You're the strongest, most beautiful, incredibly hot in bed woman I know." "If sex cured depression..." "You'd be a nympho." "Exactly." After Mulder left, I ate dinner then Dawitt and I rated the clothes on the Friends rerun while flipping through Vogue. We're picking out an extremely expensive outfit for me to buy when I'm released. I'm partial to this Vera Wang satin skirt and blouse while Dawitt likes a tight, funky, brightly colored dress from Versace. We both know neither will be purchased. XVIII. Friday, July 17th I'm a selfish bastard. I can't take it anymore. And if I'm having a hard time, I can't imagine what this must be doing to Scully. I bought a bottle of bourbon and now I'm spending my Friday night wallowing in my own self-piy. I just went to see Scully after her fifth treatment and only three to go. It drives me into insanity to see her like that. She never remembers that I've visited her the day of her ECT, but I go anyway. Her mom stopped coming on those days after the third treatment. Why do I torture myself and go? The distant, haunting look in her eyes has given me new nightmares. I can't concentrate at work. Skinner and Harris understand and thankfully she's been carrying a lot of the workload for me. I'll get her a nice gift when this is all over; if it ever really ends. I pour another glass of bourbon over some ice and take a big gulp. It burns, but the pain is miniscule compared to volts of electricity going through your body. Jesus Fucking Christ. I want to believe that this is making her better. I need the valiant, sensible, sensuous women I worked and fell in love with back. There I go again, thinking of only my damn needs. I've been to see her almost every day and when I don't go, her mother is there. She's always happy to see me. Though she hasn't told me much about how her therapy is going, her doctors have told Mrs. Scully that Dana is progressing nicely and the ECT has lead to considerable improvement in her moods. I guess I have to agree, but the images that are constantly stuck in my photographic memory are the ones of her immobilized body lying in bed after a morning of shocks. I pour another drink: number three. I'm going to get drunk and pass out here, on my trusty old couch. Drinking: the solution to any problem you're not ready to face. I flip on the TV, but I'm not listening to a damn word. My whole life has been about feeling responsible and guilty: Sam's abduction, my parent's divorce, my failed relationship with Phoebe, Scully's abduction, Scully's cancer, Emily, my mother's stroke, the list goes on and on and ends with Scully's depression. Though the guilt from Phoebe flew out the window a few years back. Well that's one down, hundred more to go. Fuck, I'm the one who needs the countless hours of therapy. I'm surprised Bill Junior hasn't personally flown out here to kick my ass. I need it; I deserve it. Mrs. Scully and Charles were nothing but nice to me. Damn them. And with a certain look in her eyes, Scully tells me over and over again that I'm not to blame. Well, lets look at it from her point-of-view, shall we? She's an adult. If she didn't want to work at the FBI, then why'd she apply? She could have shut me down or asked for a transfer, but she didn't. She stuck it out with me. I think of that line from the movie 'Airplane': 'They bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say: let 'em crash.' Okay, that made me feel better for about two seconds. Dana Katherine Scully, trusted partner, keeper of my heart, love of my life, my light in the dark, I love you so much that my heart hurts. When you look at me a certain way, I can feel my heart burst in my chest with overwhelming happiness. Finally, something wonderful happens in my pathetic existence and I drive it into a dark depression. I'm so sorry, Scully. I've ruined your life. You've lost your job and your sanity. People should hire me to destroy other people's lives. Instead of a hit man, you can just hire me to cause the person life-long suffering: the ultimate revenge. I'll place an ad in the paper tomorrow. Pouring myself drink number five, I lie back on the couch and start to think of how much to charge the customers. I wake up to a small, barely noticeable headache. Damn. I wanted full-blown pounding temples with the taste of bile in my mouth. Can't even get drunk right. I forgo the aspirin so I can at least have some suffering, masochistic bastard that I am. I think about the time I let Scully handcuff me to her bed the night after we got back from Savannah; I had to wear an extra long sleeved shirt to work the next couple of days to hide the cuts. Though that kind of pain was just a little bit more enjoyable than my present condition, to say the least. I look at the clock: 9:30. Scully's mom wanted to spend today with Scully, alone; though she wasn't that direct when she told me that. Just as well, she's still a little fuzzy the day after. So, it looks like its just going to be me with my thoughts. Great. Maybe I'll try to catch up on some work or maybe I'll track down Cancerman and get some answers. Option two sounds better, but unfortunately, option one is more likely. I grab a quick shower, shave and head for the office. I keep the basement dark, there's a shocker, and head straight for my 'to do' pile. I keep myself engrossed till about 1:30 when I step out to get something to eat. I take my sandwich from the corner deli to a park bench in the Mall. I eat while watching families fly kites, play catch and visit the museums. I try to picture myself as a father. Would I fuck him up too? Probably. They say you're usually the same type of parent your parents were. If that's true, then I need to get a vasectomy. Scully, on the other hand, would make a wonderful mother. Though you wouldn't it know it by watching her wrestle with the big dogs at work. Emily was the most beautiful child I've ever seen. She had the biggest blue eyes for such a little girl. I admit I was scared when Scully wanted to adopt her. Once again, the fear came from selfish feelings; Scully would have to work less with me in order to take proper care of Emily. In the end, Emily dies and Scully has to leave the Bureau anyway. I lose, but she loses more. I little Nerf football lands near my feet; I look up, find the owner and toss it back to him. Cute kid. He smiles and says: 'Thanks Mister.' I finish my roast beef sandwich and start my trek back to the office. When I get back I find a note lying on my briefcase: 'Come to my office, if you have a minute. -Skinner.' I'm sure he wants to talk about Scully; so, I compose myself and walk up to his office. What's he doing here on a Saturday? He has a wife; who probably wants some Skinner lovin'. I have to laugh at that as I ride the elevator up. Jesus, what would I do if I was separated from my wife and I find out later that she's been accused of killing a prostitute, male in this case, that she's just slept with? I knock softly on Skinner's door and I hear his voice telling me to enter. "You wanted to speak with me, sir?" I take a seat. "Yes." He removes his glasses, comes out from behind his desk and takes a seat next to me. "I just want to know how you were doing?" "I'm hanging in there." He nods and accepts that's all I'm going to give him about me. "And Agent Scully? How's her treatment going?" "Fine sir. She has her good days and her not-so-good days, but the doctors say she's shown a lot of improvement." "That's good to hear. As you know, the Bureau will take care of her financially until she can get her feet back on the ground." "Yes sir. She's been talking about trying to get a job with the state medical examiners office in either Maryland, Virginia or here in DC. Or at a county level; whatever's available." "Well, she doesn't need to rush into anything. And of course the Bureau will help in anyway it can." "I'd know she's appreciate that, sir." "Well, if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask." I nod and get up to leave. "Oh, and Agent Mulder, just to let you know, I haven't come across any X-Files type cases. Just to let you know I haven't forgotten about you." "Thank you, sir." I leave and head back to work. Sunday, July 19th When I get to Memorial Pines, I see Scully immediately and she sees me too. She leaps up from the couch and gives me one of her big smiles: the kind that makes my heart burst. "Hey!" She greets me with a cheery voice. "Hi," I respond while wrapping her in a bear hug. "How are you feeling?" "Good." She smiles and nods. "What'd you bring?" she asks, motioning toward a brown paper bag behind my back. "Oh, just some whips and chains. I thought we could..." Lightly swatting my arms, she says: "Seriously Mulder." "Seriously?" Now I'm just playing with her. "Yes." She tries to grab at the bag, but I lift it high above my head. "You're too short. Jump Scully. Let me see how high your vertical leap is." Instead she begins to vigorously tickle me and I instantly lower my arms in defense. Snatching the bag from my hands, she informs me: "I may be short, but I always get what I want." "Noted." I watch her expression change as she sees what's in the bag. Scully looks back up at me and smiles then reaches in the bag to pull out the gift. It's a stuffed animal of Moby Dick that I found at the Smithsonian Kid's Shop. "Thanks captain." She throws her arms around my neck and kisses me on the cheek. "You're welcome. I saw it and immediately thought of you." With her bright blue eyes staring up at me, she looks like a little girl; especially with her wearing jeans and a small tight T-shirt. Baby-doll shirts are what I think they're called. When she lifts her arms up it shows the smallest bit of her stomach and I want to kiss the exposed skin. "Let me put it in my room." Taking my hand, she pulls me to her room. I watch her put the toy on the edge of her pillow and stare at it. I wrap my arms around her from behind and placing my hands on her exposed stomach, I kiss her lightly on her neck. "Mulder?" "Hmm?" Resting her hands on top of mine, she continues: "I want to go home and be with you." Her timid voice breaks my heart, so I tighten my hold on her and tell her: "You will, real soon, but you need to finish your treatments first." She nods and leans back into my arms. "It's just so hard to keep doing it." "I know, but it really has made a difference. Do you feel it?" "I guess. It's hard to tell being locked up in here and always talking to doctors." I turn her around in my arms. "Well, I see an improvement. You're much happier." "Except for my ECT days." "Dana, they fill you up with so much pain killers and other crap, of course you're going to feel like shit." I guide her head so that it's resting on my chest. "I love you." "I love you, too," she responds while placing a kiss on my Adam's apple. I stroke her back. "Do you want me to read some to you?" "Umm hmm," she murmurs into my chest. I go to her desk and pick up her book. Lying down in her bed, I open my arms for her to rest against my chest. I read until we both fall asleep. A nurse comes and wakes us at the end of visiting hours. When we have some privacy, I lovingly kiss Scully and tell her I'll be back tomorrow. Tuesday, July 21st I'm there at 7:00 like every weekday that I can come. I take a deep breath before I ring the bell to be buzzed in. 'Two more to go, just two more to go' I keep telling myself. I have to go through the 'game room' to get to Scully's room. I find Dawitt playing Scrabble with another patient. I nod slightly at him when I pass. "Hey Foxy. She's been out of it pretty much all day." I nod again and tell him thanks as I continue walking. I slowly open the door to her room. There I find her asleep under the covers. Walking to her bed, I take a seat and find her hand from under the blanket. I hold it and gently stroke the top of it. Her hand looks so fragile against mine it's hard to believe that it's used to dissect people and fire a gun. I watch her for about thirty minutes; occasionally, she twitches like a cat that's dreaming. She normally has freckles on her pale skin, but for some reason she so white, almost translucent, that they're hardly noticeable anymore. I lean over and kiss her forehead; she's so cold against my lips, like a corpse. I feel tears start to gather up and just as one escapes my left eye, she opens her eyes. I quickly wipe my tear away with one hand and squeeze her hand lightly with my other. "Hey, beautiful," I tell her. She just stares back: blank and distant with gray, dull eyes. Does she know how this stare haunts me? She blinks a couple of time to get her eyes to focus. "Mulder?" she croaks. "Yeah; its me, Scully." I get her a glass of water and help her sit up. "How are you doing?" It's a stupid question that I ask every time. She doesn't answer; she doesn't need to. I help her sip her water because of her shaking hands. Her helplessness tears me apart. I can feel my anger growing inside of me to the point where I can taste it in the back of my throat. God help me. I will end her pain if it means I have to die for it. That's right, I would die for her without question; I know that now. She's all that matters to me. The X-Files can go straight to hell with me riding shotgun. I used to think I could have both; but seeing her like this, I know it has to be one or the other and I choose her without regret. Scully, on the other hand, will probably crucify me when she finds out my decision. I'll make her understand somehow when she gets better. "Mulder?" she asks again as if she's just realized I'm in the room. I hate that. "I'm right here." She picks up her brush from her nightstand and attempts to brush her hair. My heart falls into my stomach. She looks so... so pathetic. I place my hands over her's and try to help her out. Instead, she takes the brush from her hair and start to brush mine. I feel chills run through my body and I start to silently cry. She doesn't notice, just concentrates and continues her task. After brushing the same spot over and over on my head, she stops and puts the brush back down. She looks at me and smiles with Emily's smile. I smile back through my tear-streaked face. "Mulder?" If she says that one more time I might have to strangle her or me. I gather her up in my arms and continue to cry. She loosely puts her arms around me; there's no emotion from her. Squeezing my eyes shut, I conjure up images of her before all of this happened. "This is making you better, Scully. You're going to be fine." I say it more for me and for her. Hell, she doesn't even know what I'm talking about. "Okay," she responds with confusion in her voice. She starts to wiggle out of my grasp. "Tired," she states. I let her lie back. Once she's fallen asleep, I go to her bathroom and clean my face off. I stay with her until visiting hours are over. Only two more to go. XIX. Saturday, August 1st I get to go home today. I can't believe it; I've never been more excited about anything in my whole life. Mulder, my mother and I have to meet with Dr. Hollis and Hartlaub, then I can leave. I actually feel a lot better. That's not to say that I still don't have issues - hell, I'll always have issues; I've just had help dealing with them. I finish packing my bag when Mulder and my mom come in. "Ready to blow this pop-stand?" Mulder asks, looking so happy. "You better believe it." Mom just smiles at me; so, I walk up and give her a hug. "Oh, Dana, I'm so glad you're better." "Me too, Mom, me too." Mulder picks up my suitcase. "Okay. Let's go meet with the doctors so we can go home." I nod and lead the way to the office. It was a quick meeting just to go over what to expect; I've already had a psychological review with both doctors the other day. We thank the doctors and make our way out to the parking lot. "How 'bout you and Fox come over for dinner tomorrow?" Mom asks. I look over at Mulder who's nodding eagerly. Never let it be said that Mulder doesn't like my mom's cooking. "Sure. Ah, mom, are you going to church tomorrow?" "Yes dear. Do you want to join me?" "Yes. Which service do you go to?" "Eight, but if that's too early, we can go to the later one." I hug her goodbye, "No, that's fine; I'll meet you at your house at seven thirty." Mulder opens the car door for me and I climb in. After he gets in, he looks over at me, grabs my hands, and smiles. The minute we get on the freeway, I start crying. "Scully?" I keep crying. "Dana?" The fear in his voice reaches me. "I'm fine Mulder. Really, I'm just glad to be going home, that's all." "I'm glad you're coming home, too." Once we get to my apartment, I open the door to find it sparkling clean. I turn to Mulder with a questioning glance. "I had a cleaning service coming in," he answers sheepishly. "Thank you." I lean up and give him a quick kiss, then bend down to pick up one of my bags, but Mulder stops me. "What's wrong?" I ask. "Nothing. I'll bring your bags in." "Mulder, I'm perfectly capable of bringing in my own bags." "I know that, it's just if you pick up one of those bags it makes it harder for me to do this." He immediately scoops me into his arms and I let out a yelp in surprise. He lays me down on the couch, kneels on the floor next to me and starts to play with my hair. I sit up slightly and take his hand in mine placing a kiss on the inside of his palm. "You hungry?" he asks. "A little. What time is it?" "Five thirty." "Well, bring the rest of my bags in, James, and I'll order us some Chinese." "Oh, so now you want me to bring in your bags?" he teasingly asks. I nod my head. "If you weren't so damn beautiful..." he mumbles while he makes his way to the door. I get up to use the phone. I start to dial when Mulder's voice stops me. "Actually, there's no need to order food. I think your mom put some stuff in the fridge." Of course she did. I nod and put the phone back in its cradle. Opening the fridge I find everything I could ever eat and more. I shake my head in disbelief. "You'd think my mom thought the ECT wiped out my memory of how to cook. Good Lord." Mulder looks over my shoulder. "Yep, that's a lot of food." "You think?" I respond sarcastically. He reaches around me and starts pull food out. "How about a salad and some chicken?" I nod and take the tomatoes he's holding over to the sink. We both make dinner and eat while making small talk about his new job, which seems to be going well. "What about the X-Files?" I ask. "Huh?" "Do you miss them? Has Skinner given you anything?" "No and not yet." "No, you don't miss them?" I find that hard to believe. He takes a deep breath. I can tell he doesn't want to talk about this, which makes me want to talk about it more. "I haven't given up on the truth," he answers. "But you said it yourself: The truth is in the X-Files." "I know, but... but..." He drops his head, defeated. "This has to do with me, right?" He shakes his head "Liar." "Scully, I'm so confused about what to do. Nothing matters more than your... our safety. When you were in the hospital I swore to myself that I'd think of you first and the files could go to hell." "Mulder..." "Please, let me finish. I love you so much and I want us to spend the rest of our lives together. So, I want to make sure the rest of our lives is a long time without having to constantly look over our shoulders. Do you understand?" "So you're giving up the truth for me." It's a statement, not a question. "I would." "Mulder, don't you want to know what they did to me and all those other women?" "Yes, but at what cost? If I had to choose between finding the truth, but with it came unknown circumstances or not knowing the truth and being with you, I believe I'd pick the latter." "Honestly, Mulder?" "Scully, this is tearing me apart." "We'll figure something out." I take his hand from across the table. "I can just see myself spending my whole life looking for answers and never finding them. Meanwhile, I lose so much of myself in my search that I lose you, too." "You won't lose me." "You never know Scully. You might lose me." We stare at each other in silence. After a while, I can't believe the following words leave my mouth: "What ever you decide, I'll support your decision." He shakes his head, "No. *We'll* decide. Together." I nod and get up to take a shower. After I'm done, I take my medicine and go to find Mulder sitting on my couch flipping through the channels on TV. Men. I sit down beside him, remove the remote from his hand and turn off the TV. He gathers me up in his arms so that I'm facing him, straddling his hips. "I'm glad you're back," he tells me. There's a double meaning to that. "Not as much as I am. I just hope I last." He kisses my nose. "You will." I lean in and kiss him deeply. It's nice to know there won't be a nurse who'll interrupt us now. I shift myself so that I'm deeper in his lap and I feel him moan into my mouth. I break the kiss and tease: "Miss me?" "You have no idea." "Oh, I think I have some," I say, while unbuttoning his shirt. He stills my hands. "Are you sure you're up to this?" He's too incredible. "It's been almost two months. I'm ready; and by the feel of it, you're definitely 'up for it'." I grind my hips into his lap to punctuate my point. He laughs and we begin to kiss again. There's such an extraordinary passion in his kiss that it literally makes my heart jump. He starts to unbutton my nightshirt and kisses his way down my neck. "Mulder?" I breathe. He mumbles a response. "Have we done this a lot?" He looks at me, confused and hurt. I clarify: "I remember this, believe me, I do. I was just wondering when we started making love to each other?" "What do you remember?" he challenges. I lean back and think. "I remember being with you in Savannah. Was that our first time?" He leans in, kisses my ear and nods against my head. "So if you do the math, we've only been making love for about three weeks." "Really? That's not very long." "No. No it's not." He says as he stays tucked in my neck. I stroke the hair on the back of his neck. "I feel like we've been making love to each other for years." "Well, I've been making love to you for a long time. I've been making love to your mind and your spirit for years." I stand up and offer him my hand. "We've got a lot of making up to do then." As I drag him into my bedroom he says: "Just promise me no bondage; at least, not tonight. I want to feel you." I turn. "I've tied you up?" I start to giggle. He smiles, lifts me into his arms and carries me the rest of the way to my bed. "You've handcuffed me to your missionary style bed. What would the Catholic Church say?" As I lay back on my pillows - *my* pillows. God I've missed them. I ask Mulder as he lies down beside me: "Have you ever handcuffed me?" "No. I was left with such awful marks on my wrist, I didn't want the same to happen to you." "Well, you shouldn't struggle so much." "Can't help it, you drive me insane." He rolls over on top of me, sits up and finishes undoing my nightshirt. "I guess we'll just have to invest in a pair of fuzzy handcuffs." I sit up so he can slip the nightshirt off my shoulders, trailing kisses on my skin in the wake of the fabric. I do the same with his shirt, unbuckle his belt and unzip his pants. He helps me remove them the rest of the way. Before long, we have removed what little remained of our clothes. Taking my hand behind his neck, I pull him down to me so that our lips meet. Afterwards, we lay in a sweaty, sticky mass, not that either of us minds, then fall asleep. Around three in the morning I wake him up to make love again. He murmurs something about me being sex crazed, but then gets right into it. Pot calling the kettle black, if you ask me. I wake up at 6:15 to get ready for church. My movements wake Mulder from his slumber. "Scully? What's wrong?" "Nothing. I'm going to church with my mom this morning. 'Member?" "Oh yeah." He sits up and starts rubbing his face. "Do you want me to come with you?" Mulder? Church? I think not. "That's okay, Mulder; I'll be back around 10:30. You go back to sleep." "You sure?" "Yes. I have to leave now anyway." I respond while putting in my pearl earrings. I finish up, walk over to my sleeping Mulder and give him a kiss on the mouth. "I'll be back." "I'll be waiting," he mumbles. "... were ruined, literally ruined. But now the healing has begun. It is very evident that they are on their way to wholeness. God is correcting the problems of their lives. And that is what he is doing here with us. I don't know anything more suggestive of this activity for us than the Lord's table. This event tells us of how God, in love, began the process of healing. It portrays for us how he began to reach out to us in the cross, in the suffering of Jesus, and how he broke the power of darkness and began to set us free. Our Lord Jesus gave us this event to teach us the meaning of these ancient sacrifices: a life poured out for us, a life given up in order that we might have a new basis of living, in order that we may be his. Let us pray: Our heavenly Father, each time we come to the Lord's table, we ask you to make it very rich and meaningful to us. May we, in our mind's eye, see the Lord Jesus as the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world, who has broken through the sin barrier, broken through the fear barrier, and now reaches out to us in tender, forgiving, accepting, understanding love, and who offers us everything it takes to straighten out the tangled relationships of our lives. Lord, help us to understand this and to lay hold of it, to give thanks for it. We know that for many, the healing has begun and is still progressing. For some, it is just beginning. There may be some for whom it has not yet started. We pray that in your love, Lord Jesus, you will reach them and heal them. We ask it in your name, Amen." I softly repeat the 'Amen' then my mother and I get up to leave. Once we are in the parking lot my mom asks me if I want to go shopping. "Oh, I'd love to, but I promised Mulder I'd be back around 10:30." "That's fine. I'll see you two tonight for dinner then." "Yes." We drive back to her house where I get in my car and head back to my apartment. I walk in and find Mulder still asleep in my bad. When did he become the big sleeper? I take off my skirt and blouse and climb back into bed and snuggle up beside him. He slowly wakes up, turns and gathers me in his arms. "Hey, beautiful. How was church?" "Good. You're sleeping late." I place a small kiss on his chest. "You wear me out." "Well too bad; get up. I've been cooped up for way too long. We're spending the day outside." I sit up and start pulling at his arm. "All right. Just let me shower and shave and I'm all yours." "Great." We spent the rest of the day acting like tourists in Williamsberg. Around six o'clock we left to head up to my mom's house for dinner. She made Parmesan chicken, which Mulder wolfed down. Later, we sat around her living room drinking coffee. We talked about the day and any important events that have happened while I was 'away'. I figure it's going to take me a while until I get my affairs back in order and then I need to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. No pressure. Oh well, at least I have Mulder by my side. What more could any girl want? XX. Thursday, December 24, 1998 I know she's thinking about her. I could tell that by the way she was eyeing the children who came to midnight mass with their families. I softly rub my thumb over the top of her hand, which I've been holding ever since we sat down. She glances over at me and smiles slightly. I think about how much has happened since her release from the hospital back in August. She received an excellent job offer from the Fairfax County Coroner's Office where she'll be top dog in no time. I know this without a doubt. So she packed up her bags, left Annapolis, and we moved in together to a townhouse in Old Town. It's a beautiful home and she's actually enjoyed decorating it. Fortunately, her mother didn't have any qualms about us 'living in sin.' Not that it really mattered because on my birthday, October 13th, I asked her to marry me and she accepted. So, in 30 days we'll be walking down the aisle. Jeez, who would have thought? It's going to be a small affair at this exact church, as a matter of fact. Katherine is going to be the flower girl and Sterling will be the ring bearer. Ironically, Bill Jr. is going to give her away. I have to smile at that one. Her bestfriend, Ellen, is matron of honor. Kind of hard to find a maid of honor when your 34 and all your friends are married with children. As for me, I've asked David Johansen, Agent Harris' husband, to be my best man. Ever since I've started working with Harris, her husband and I have become great friends. And he can play a mean game of basketball. Plus, I think Scully would have died if I asked all three of the Gunman to be in the wedding party. My sister, her husband and my niece and nephew will also be in attendance. I really haven't been able to establish a real 'sister/brother' relationship with her. We're more like good acquaintances. Scully says to give it time; she's right. Anyway, I digress; the townhouse is great. It has a small garden in the back, which Scully maintains to help her relieve stress. I have the basketball court down the street for that. It has a huge kitchen with a living room, dinning room and a den. Upstairs, there are two bedrooms: one master and the other has been turned into an office. The small bedroom used to be inhabited by a little boy; so there was sports-themed wallpaper; it was just taken down last week. She doesn't know this, but I caught her once lightly touching the pictures on the wallpaper. The following week, she left the computer logged on to the internet when she was called away for an autopsy. Anyway, it was left on a page about in vetro fertilization. She's never brought up the subject of trying to have kids and I figure it's best not to bring up my findings. Maybe one day she'll say something. Either way is okay with me. I don't know if her body can take carrying children; so anything that can put her a risk is a definite no. Mass finally ends and we head home. She's been quiet ever since we entered the church. Emily. "What time do we need to be at your mother's?" I ask as we drive home. "Well, that depends. Katherine and Sterling will probably wake up at five which means they start opening gifts at six; so, if we want to take part the in gift opening I say we show up at six-thirty. Okay?" "What's a holiday if you can't sleep in?" She laughs. "Six-thirty is fine. I just hope the coffee is flowing like water." We finally get home and into bed. I gather her up in my arms like I do every night. "Merry Christmas, Mulder." She squeezes me tighter. "Merry Christmas, Scully. I love you." I kiss the top of her head and soon fall asleep. Friday, December 25th I wake up to the alarm and can instantly tell I'm in bed alone. I sit up: "Mulder?" "Right here." He answers while walking into our room with a present and a cup of coffee. He sits down on the bed facing me. "Merry Christmas," he says handing me the small gift. I smile. "Thank you." I start to unwrap it. "I wanted to give this to you in private." Under the wrapping paper I find a velvet box. I look up at him briefly before I pop the lid. He smiles shyly at me. Inside the box I find an antique Cameo Broach. It's too beautiful for words. I look up at him in amazement. "It was my grandmother's. She always wore it. She was beautiful, smart, witty and strong. Just like you." "Mulder, I don't know what to say. It's gorgeous. Thank you so much." I can feel tears welling up in my eyes. I lean forward, put my arms around Mulder and kiss him. Screw morning breath. "It's no big deal, Scully. I just thought you should have it." He always has to be so damn modest when it comes to gifts. "Don't be ridiculous. It's the most beautiful, thoughtful gift I've ever received. I'm almost afraid to wear it." "Please, don't be. I thought it would it would look good with some of your dressier suits." "Yes it will." I put it in my jewelry box. "Let me get dressed and we'll go on over to Mom's." He nods and hands me my cup of coffee as I head to the shower. Margaret Scully's Home I was right. The kids dragged everyone out of bed at the crack of dawn to open gifts. When we arrive Katherine and Sterling only look up at us for a second before tearing into their next gift. We say our hellos, help ourselves to some coffeecake and more coffee, then sit down on the love seat. "How are we going to get all of these gifts home?" Megan ponders. "I have a spare suitcase you can use." My mother answers. With that problem solved, the rest of the morning is spent with the children playing with their presents and Mulder and Charlie watching sports. It's too normal; it's almost spooky. Megan, mom and I are in the kitchen cooking. Boy, us women have come a long way. "So tell me about where you decided to go on your honeymoon?" Megan asks. "Oh, well, we're going to this resort called Little Dix Bay on Virgin Gorda in the British Virgin Islands." "God, that sounds great." "Yeah, it will be. It's on a secluded crescent shaped beach with a little bay, hence the name. Anyway, we have our own cabin that faces the Caribbean Ocean." "Okay. That's it. Charlie and I are taking a second honeymoon." Both my mom and I laugh. "I've got to run down the street to give this Cuisinart back to Mrs. Peters. I'll be right back," My mom tells us. Once she leaves, Megan turns to me and says: "I'm so glad that everything has worked out for you and Mulder. I could tell he loved you so much when you were in California." I nod. God, that trip seemed like years ago. "And Katherine is so excited that you asked her to be the flower girl. I been catching her in the yard practicing by dropping blades of grass as she walks in a straight line." I bust out laughing. "Well, I'm glad she's excited. She'll be perfect." After everything is ready to go in the kitchen, I join Mulder on the couch to watch TV. He gathers me up so I'm lying back on him. He lightly kisses my ear and whispers: "What do you say we find a room and I'll give you my *real* present." He's joking, but just so he has to eat his words I stand up and offer him my hand. He looks at me incredulously. I challenge him with my eyebrows and he gets up. Charlie is wrapped up in the game, the kids are playing with their toys, Megan went to take a shower and my mother is still at Mrs. Peters. Since someone is currently staying in all the rooms, I take Mulder up into the attic. "You're a bad girl, Dana Scully," he says once we've shut ourselves up. "I'm the bad one? I believe this whole scheme was your idea." I push my index finger lightly at his chest to emphasize the point. He takes it and pulls me into his arms. "You talk too much." With that said, he captures my lips with his. Before long, we've removed the necessary clothing and are going at it on the dusty wooden floor. After we have both caught our breath, Mulder lifts the upper half of his body off me: "That was incredible. Even if we had to forgo the foreplay." I nod. "Do we really have to go back down?" "Eventually; someone might miss us." We climb off each other and start putting ourselves back together. Before we start back down the stairs, Mulder wraps me in his arms. "I love you so much. I can't wait 'til we're married." I look up at him and smile. "I love you, too. Now, how do I look?" "Like you've just been fucked." "Mulder!" "You do; you have that glow." "Is it really bad?" "No. How 'bout me?" "If you stop grinning like an idiot, you might be able to look casual." He silently laughs and we go back to the second floor. Katherine who is playing with a remote control Barbie car immediately meets us. "Aunt Dana, what are you doing in the attic?" "Uh. . . I was showing something to Mulder." This little girl would need therapy if she knew just what exactly I was showing him. I'm going to hell. At that moment, Megan walks out of her room. "Hey. What's going on?" "Aunt Dana was in the attic with Uncle Mulder." Kids. Megan looks at both of us. It's written all over our faces. Busted. She just grins at us. "Come on, Katherine, let's go downstairs." She takes her daughter's hand and leaves. "We've got to work on being subtle." Mulder tells me. "Yeah. You'd think all that Quantico training would have helped." He leans down and kisses my cheek. "I'll never be afraid of attics again." "You were scared of attics?" I ask, surprised. "No, but now I know I'll never be." He starts to walk down the stairs and I follow. Once we both return to the TV room, Charlie turns to Mulder. "Deflowering my sister in the attic were you?" Megan starts laughing while Mulder blushes and I throw Charlie a 'shut up or die' look. Thank God Mom's still visiting with the neighbor's. "Mom? What's 'deflowering' mean?" Sterling asks. "Nothing honey. It's just a grown-up joke." "Everything's a grown-up joke." He continues to play with his toys. "Hey, you're sister's a hard woman to keep satisfied," Mulder says back to Charlie. "Mulder! I don't think we should be talking about this," I say eyeing the two kids. "Talk about what?" My mom asks from the doorway. "Nothing." We all answer at once. "Yeah. I don't think sex is an appropriate topic for the twins." My mother winks at us and walks into the kitchen. "We could never get anything by her as a kid," Charlie exclaims. I nod in agreement. Around 3:00 we all sit down for dinner - which is excellent, as usual. At 7:00 Mulder and I say good bye and head back home. As I'm washing my face before bed, Mulder comes in with another present. "Mulder! You've got to stop with these surprise gifts." He's already opened the gift I gave him at my mom's: a silver Swiss Army Watch. I sit down on the edge of the tub and take the gift from his hands. From its shape, it has to be clothing. In the shirt box I find an short emerald green silk slip. "Mulder, this is gorgeous." He looks at me with such desire and I relize I want him, too. "You want me to model it for you?" "It would be the best Christmas gift yet." "All right, go get in bed. I'll be there in a second." I lightly push him back into our room. I strip out of my flannel pjs and slip the lingerie over my head. A perfect fit. I put a little pink gloss on my lips and fluff up my hair. How old am I? I walk into our room where Mulder has turned off all the lights except for the small lamp near the armchair in the corner. He sits up, revealing more of his bare chest. I strike a dramatic pose in the doorway, which causes him to chuckle. "It's beautiful, Mulder." "You're beautiful. It's just a slip that need the perfect woman to fill it." "Where do you get your lines?" I tease, but he knows I'm really touched. I start to walk towards the bed, but then I'm hit with an idea. I turn to my closet. "Hold on a second." "What?" I start digging around for the box. Once it's found and its contents removed, I walk back into the room. I instantly see his expression change and I smile slyly at him. I've put on the black strappy come-fuck-me shoes I bought back in LA. "I think your trying to kill me with your sexual powers. I should warn you though, I left a stipulation in my will that if I die during sex, you get nothing." "Oh, that's okay. I'm not interested in you money, just your body. You haven't figured that out yet?" By the time I'm done talking I've made my way over to the bed. I sit down so that I'm straddling his hips. "So I guess that means you'll leave me when my body goes to hell?" "I'd never leave you. Wild horses couldn't drag me away." I wink at him. We decided 'Wild Horses' by the Rolling Stones would be our song. He's always loved it and I think it's a damn good song, so, why not? He leans up and lightly kisses my shoulder, making his way up my neck to my jaw line and around my face. I let out a satisfied sigh while threading my fingers lightly through his chest hair. Finally, our mouths meet. He rolls us over so that I am lying prone underneath him. I watch as he gently starts to kiss my chest right at the slip's neckline. Then he sits back on his knees at the end of the bed between my legs. Picking my right leg up, he kisses my ankle right above the shoe's strap. He angles my leg so that it's wrapped behind his back. Performing the same ritual on the left leg, he lets his hands slowly travel up my thighs to my hips. His touch makes me lose all rational thought. "I love you," he tells me. I can only nod and smile in response. I wake up at 4:00 because my nude body is cold. I quickly figure out why - Scully's no longer in bed. I get up to look for her and almost kill myself by stepping on her high heel shoe. Slipping on my underwear, I make my way out into the hall. I find her sitting on my old leather couch, which we put in the den, looking out the window, and clutching her Moby Dick doll. "Scully?" She turns to look at me and by the glare of the street lamp, I can tell she's been crying. I walk over to her and gather her in my arms. She starts to quietly sob. "I'm sorry, I... I just was thinking about... 'bout..." "Shh. It's okay, I know. It's okay to cry. I know you miss her." She just continues to silently cry in my arms. I kiss the top of her head and softly rub her back. "It's just hard right now, you know?" "I know. It's okay to grieve for her." She nods against my chest. My heart breaks for her. This is a wound that will never heal. "I don't know what I do without you," she tells me. "I should be saying that to you. It's you who's saved me from a fate of loneliness." "We were both lonely 'til we found each other." How true. I hold her closer to me and we eventually fall asleep. Saturday, January 23rd I can't stop fidgeting. "Stop fidgeting, Mulder. This is a piece of cake." I turn to David and he smiles wickedly back at me. I don't know why I'm so nervous, I've never wanted anything more in my entire life. Then the music starts and my heart picks up triple time. Please don't let me have a heart attack now. First, Charlie comes in with his mom on his arm. She winks at me and I think I smile back, I'm not sure at this point. Next is Ellen, followed by Sterling and Katherine, who's dropping rose petals like a pro. Then the music changes to the theme I thought I would never hear played for me. The doors to the cathedral open and there she is with Bill on her arm. The church is large for our small wedding party; so, there is plenty of time for me to watch her walk down the aisle. Her dress is simple and elegant. It's not a pure, bright, white, but pretty darn close. It has a satin fitted bodice with a wide scoop neck and long sleeves. She has my grandmother's broach pinned up near her left shoulder: something old. The satin skirt flares out, but not too much, and a small train. Her hair is done up with small white flowers strategically placed throughout. She's all smiles as she gets closer to me. I can no longer hear the music; all I can see is her. Finally, she's by my side. She smiles up at me and mouths the word 'hi'. I return the gesture and we turn to Father McHugh. I'll never forget the vows we took and I'll never forget the look on her face when I slipped the ring on her finger. Surprisingly, I had stopped shaking. "You may now kiss the bride." I lean down and place a gentle and loving kiss on her lips. "I now present to you Mr. and Mrs. Fox William Mulder." Even with the few guests, the place erupts into applause and a couple shouts. I squeeze her hand. Watergate Hotel Truman Ballroom Just for Scully, we hired the DJ from Decades to play his 80s music at the reception. Right now, Dawitt is spinning Scully around the dance floor to 'In a Big Country'. I remember when I rented 'The Wedding Singer' after Scully got out of the hospital. I've never seen her laugh so hard in her life. I see Katherine talking to Jessica, Samantha's daughter, and Sterling and William are playing with some little Hot Wheels cars on the ground. Tara and Bill are entertaining their child in the corner. David and Tyler (Agent Harris) are whispering in each other's ears and laughing. Get a room, I smile to myself. Finally, Dawitt returns Scully to me. "Here she is. Good as new." "Thanks, Dawitt." He leaves and goes back to his date. "Having fun?" she asks. "Time of my life. Just observing the guests." She links our arms. "I love you." I lean down and kiss her cheek. "I love you too." The DJ starts playing 'Mandinka' by Sinead O'Conner and I feel Scully leading me out onto the dance floor. After much dancing, drinking, eating and yapping with the guests, we leave to go to our suite. Of course, I carry her over the threshold. I place her down on the couch in the sitting room. "So, how does it feel to be Mrs. Mulder?" I ask her while removing her shoes. "Oh, I don't know. Kind of spooky." "I set myself up for that one." "Yes. You did." "Have I told you I love you so very much?" I start to lift the skirt of her gown till the hem rests on her thighs. "About 100 times today, but I think I could stand to hear it once more." I position myself between her legs and slide my hands up under her dress. I can feel her garter belts, which I swiftly undo. "I love you, Mrs. Mulder." I slowly start to peel each thigh-high stocking off her legs. She watches me with a dreamy look in her eyes. Once I'm done, I place my hands on her hips, right on her lace underwear. She giggles. "What's so funny?" "' Mrs. Mulder'. It makes me feel like your mother." "Thanks for ruining the moment," I joke. She laughs again and leans forward to kiss me, sliding into my lap so that I've got her crushed between me and the couch. "There's too much white satin everywhere," I tell her. "Only one way to fix that." She gets up, grabs her bag and heads to the bathroom. We stopped having sex after New Year's; we decided that we needed to be 'burning with desire' for each other on our wedding night. And believe me, I'm burning. After what seems like an eternity, she emerges wearing a long white satin slip with lace on top revealing the tops of her breasts. I jump up from the floor, take her in my arms and put us on the bed. We both start to remove my tux. Laughing, she states: "I know it's only been 23 days, but we need to take this slower." "Agreed." And we do, and it was worth it. I lay there with his head resting on my chest; I can't stop staring at my wedding ring as I play with his hair. I feel so happy and complete. I've never felt this way before. I think about when I first met Mulder: he was one cocky bastard, which, of course, was an instant turn on. All night, guests from work kept telling us how they could tell right away how much we belonged together. I'm glad everyone knew this, but us. I feel Mulder stir, but he doesn't wake up. Our flight leaves at 10:50 am tomorrow. I'd almost be content to stay in bed all week, but I want my trip to the Virgin Islands. He shifts again and this time he wakes up. "You're awake?" I nod. "It's late." "I know, I was just thinking." "About?" "Us." He rolls over so that he's hovering above me and I bring him down to kiss me. We wrap our arms around each other and lose ourselves. I know that with him everything is going to be okay. Epilogue: Little Dix Bay Virgin Gorda, BVI Wednesday, January, 27th I wake up at eleven to find that Mulder's gone; he's most likely swimming in the crystal clear bay. I slip on my suit and walk out to the beach where there are two other couples basking in the sun. I spot Mulder lying on the wooden raft in the middle of the bay and I'm struck with an odd feeling of deja vu. Shrugging it off, I swim out to the raft. He sits up when he sees me and helps me up on the plank. We sit so that we are facing the ocean and I rest against his chest. He wraps his arms around me. That's when I spot it - a blue feather caught between the boards. I push myself up to go and retrieve it and show it to Mulder. He plays with it between his fingers. "Have you ever heard that saying 'sometimes even a single feather's enough to fly'?" he asks. "Yes, I think I have," as I lightly kiss his lips. The End That's all she wrote. This has been mostly therapeutic exercise for me, but I'd love to know what you thought of the whole story. Maybe, several months from now, I'll continue the saga. As you can see some issues are still left open, but right now I'm too busy. What do you think? NOTE: Little Dix Bay does exist and there is a wooden raft in the middle of the bay. Beautiful place - highly recommend it. So does the Eliza Thompson B&B in Savannah. Are you looking forward to the movie as much as I am??
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