Summary: Two years after their escape, the image of William still haunts Mulder and Scully.

The video tape had lain hidden in a drawer for at least three days. Scully couldn't bear to play it, she knew that seeing it would fill her with a desperation beyond her control. Agent Reyes had contacted her the week before via e-mail. They hadn't been in contact for more than a year, Scully knew that it had to be important news. According to Reyes, the adoption agency had called her, asking for the whereabouts of a 'Dana Scully'. They had something to give her.

Scully immediately sent Reyes the address of the apartment she and Mulder were staying at, but only under the condition that whatever the agency had, it would be sent to a private post office box with the alias names she and Mulder currently used. Their location, or rather *locations* for the past two years had always been kept secret. To reveal their current place would threaten their safety, but she needed to know what the adoption agency had been keeping for her. She secretly prayed that it wasn't bad news.

She received the tape in a small parcel a week later, addressed to the private post office box she had specially set up. Nothing could have prepared her for what it contained. According to the letter that accompanied the parcel, on the tape was a home-movie taken by William's adopted parents. A gift made out of sympathy to the birth mother. A video-tape of William at three years old.

It was unbelievable, yet Scully could not bring herself to open the parcel, let alone watch the tape. She stashed it in a drawer, hoping to forget about it until the time was right. She carried her guilt over William's adoption every day. The wound of her separation with him had not fully healed yet. She doubted it would ever heal. She knew that viewing the tape would bring back all the memories, all the dreams and longings she had for her son. To view that tape was to remember the pain that she ran away from, and had tried to forget.

But she knew she had to eventually tell Mulder.

"When did you get this?" Mulder asked, overwhelmed. He finished reading the letter and took the parcel from her hands. It was surprisingly light.

"A few days ago."

He looked at her in a combination of surprise and anger, "I don't like you keeping secrets from me. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

Scully shifted uncomfortably under his gaze, "Because I couldn't believe it," she whispered. She cast her eyes to a small photo of William that Mulder had left on the table. It had been taken a couple of days after William's birth. She could scarcely begin to imagine the contrast between that photo and the contents of the tape. In the photo William was a tiny new-born infant. On the tape he would be a little boy.

Mulder frowned but focused his attention on inspecting the writing on the parcel. Reyes had obviously notified the agency with the false names he and Scully had assumed for their protection. "I thought it was a closed adoption. They wouldn't know the birth mother. Skinner told me all the papers were destroyed."

"Obviously not all of them. I called Yves and Jimmy, they said they would take care of it." She understood his concern. They could not jeopardize William's safety.

He contemplated her decision. "Are you sure? That means William's adopted parents will never be able to contact us again."

"It's the price we have to pay." Her heart ached at those words.

Mulder nodded slowly to himself, but it was clear that he was disappointed. He placed the parcel on the table and taking his keys from his pocket, used one to cut into the sticky tape sealing the cardboard flaps. He opened the parcel and saw the video-tape inside, wedged between foam packaging. He let out a long breath, "Scully, I know what you're afraid of. I'm afraid of it too."

"I remember you once said those same words when I had my cancer." Scully looked down, "And yet I'm more afraid now than I've ever been."

Mulder turned to her and tilted her chin up with his finger, forcing her to look into his eyes, "You don't want to see that tape, because you don't want to fall in love with our son all over again."

Scully's face crumpled but she refused to cry.

"Scully..." he murmured, "I know how you feel."

"No you don't, Mulder. You can't."

Pain crossed Mulder's face, but he concealed it. He returned to the parcel and carefully lifted the tape out, realizing that in all the years he had worked on the X-Files, this was the most precious evidence he had ever held. "I want to see it," he said quietly, "I have to. I have to know that he's okay, that's he's happy, and that he's living a better life than what we can provide. I have to know that."

Scully nodded numbly, "Then you watch it, Mulder. But without me." She grabbed her coat that was draped on the chair. Mulder followed her with his eyes as she retrieved her keys and then left the apartment without a further word. After eleven years with Dana Scully, Mulder knew when to let her be.

He went to the other side of the room to switch on the TV and hesitated for a moment before putting the tape in the VCR. Taking the remote, he sat down on the couch and stared at the blue screen of the TV, unsure if he was ready. Taking a deep breath, his thumb found the well-worn button on the remote and he pressed play.

Scully returned an hour later to find Mulder lying on the couch. He was studying a photo by holding it up to the dim light coming from the window. It was almost sun-set, the shadows in the room slowly growing darker. Scully didn't need to see the photo, she knew which one it was. He carried it with him everywhere. "Mulder?" Scully came closer to him and scanned his face, looking for an emotion. Any emotion.

"He's a beautiful child, Scully. He's got brown hair and the softest blue eyes you've ever seen." He glanced at her and smiled sadly, "He looks a bit like you."

Scully sat beside him, a sudden fatigue washing over her. "Don't, Mulder."

He ignored her, "He's grown so much... he's walking of course, and his face has changed a lot." He viewed the photo again, "A lot."

"Mulder, please..." Scully's voice trembled.

He chuckled, "You should hear him talk! He's such a curious kid. Sound familiar to you?" His attempt at humor in a tense situation fell flat as he saw tears slip from Scully's eyes. "Hey..." he murmured as he sat up and pulled her closer to him. He moved strands of red hair away as he bowed his head to kiss her lightly on the shoulder.

Scully was quiet. She stared at her hands, "Do they look like good people?"

Mulder gently put his hand over hers, entwining their fingers. "Yeah Scully, they look like very good people. To send you this, they'd have to be. They love William as their own. And they let him keep his name."

"William." Scully whispered. A name that had not been uttered from her lips in a very long time.

Mulder's expression suddenly darkened, as if he was concealing an inner conflict of emotions. He withdrew his hand from hers and leaned back against the couch. His eyes grew distant. "He's happy, Scully. He looks happy. He fits in there like..." Mulder trailed off, the words too difficult. "He won't remember us."

Scully remained silent and was deeply troubled. She then took a deep breath, "Do you hate me for what I did?"

"What do you mean?"

"For giving him up." Her voice was unstable.

"Scully, you know I could never hate you for anything." He looked away and sighed, running a hand through his hair, "I know you couldn't help it, it was for his safety..."

"Stop repeating what Skinner told you," she became upset, "Stop pretending it's *okay*. Yes, it was for his safety, but if I had just waited two months, you'd have been there. You know how much I wanted a child, you know what I went through. And I gave him up. Just like that. I didn't even tell you! If I had just waited..." Scully swallowed, as if holding back a sob. She stood up, finally admitting in a tone of both grief and rage the painful truth she had been holding back, "It's too late, Mulder. The date's set. He'll be eleven years old and we won't even know where he is. You care, admit it. It haunts you. And it's all my fault."

Mulder flared in turn, raising his voice, "Is that what you want? You want me to hate you as much as you hate yourself? It doesn't matter where he is, we have to stop it. We have to fight the future, for his sake and for ours."

Scully remained standing, her back to him. He could still see her trembling.

His tone softened, "Yes, I care. I care that I have a son, I care that he's mine and yes, I'd rather have him here than with that family. But look at our life, Scully!" he became frustrated, "We've been running for so long... I'm beginning to wonder what the hell we're doing here. I understand what you did, and why you did it. I'm not angry at you for that. But I *am* angry at you for pretending William never existed."

"What are you suggesting?" Scully finally spun around to face him, deeply hurt, "That I've forgotten my own son?"

He drew himself up to stand opposite her, "We've been hiding for two years and you've hardly ever mentioned William's name. Not even on his birthday. You seem to act deaf when I ask you about him. You don't want to remember him, but I do." Mulder pointed at the VCR, his voice edged with determination, "You brought him into this world and I'm going to do all I fucking can to keep him in it."

Scully shook her head, "You don't understand, Mulder." Her voice quavered, "I can't watch that tape. It's nothing to do with William, I'd do anything to see him again. It's me."

Mulder took a hold of her arms, "Then talk to me, Scully. I thought we were over this bullshit, hiding our feelings from one another. What don't I understand?"

"I raised him for the first six months of his life. You weren't there. And now to see him growing up without me, calling another woman 'Mommy'..." Scully tried to pull away, her eyes filling with tears, "You don't know how difficult that is."

He released her and took a step back, "It's hard for me too. More than you know. I barely got a chance to bond with him, at least you got six months. I had barely a week! I can't even remember his face, other than that damn photo!" He waved his hand in the direction of the couch where the photo lay, "His image is fading in my mind, Scully." Mulder looked intently at her, "Or maybe that's happening to you too."

A few moments of uncomfortable silence followed. He went to eject the tape out of the VCR. Scully looked down, realizing that he had spoken her worst fear. Unaware of her own actions, she weakly sat down again. Mulder came and knelt down in front of her but she was unable to look him in the eye.

"William isn't an X-File. We can't conveniently file him away and move on. It won't make the hurt go away, no matter how much we try. You're strong enough, Scully. You may not feel like it, but I know you." He reached out to touch her, gently caressing her cheek, "Wouldn't it be good to see him again? To have proof of what we're fighting for?"

Scully closed her eyes. She felt Mulder's hand move away and heard him getting up. When she opened her eyes again, she saw the tape directly in front of her, lying on the coffee table. It was without a label but she could see it was about 60 minutes long.

"One hour, Scully. I haven't even finished it yet. I stopped it after ten minutes. I'm waiting for you."

Scully leaned over and picked up the tape, running her fingers over the black plastic. She glanced sideways and then lifted the photo of William that Mulder had left on the couch. A wistful smile touched the corners of her lips as she traced William's face with a fingertip. The blue eyes, the soft downy hair, the round baby cheeks. She looked up at Mulder. The same Mulder who once told her not to give up on a miracle and who also held William in his arms. The same Mulder who she knew their son would resemble. She finally found her voice, "Play the tape Mulder, I want to see William."

If Mulder would not give up on him, neither would she.

Fin

Author's Note: I've been reading X-Files fanfic for years, but this is the first time I've ever written one. Feedback would be most appreciated! Thank you for reading. :)

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