Title: Babysitting
Author: Tabby
Rating: PG-13 for language/implied situations
Classification: MSR, Kidfic, Humor
Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully and LGM belong to the Great Surfer Dude and Rupert Murdoch. Little Sculder and Mully are mine.

Summary: When Mulder and Scully go away, the Lone Gunmen step in to baby-sit. Madness ensues.

Authors Notes: I've been writing fanfic for awhile now, I just haven't had the courage to post in a public forum. You may have seen this on a couple of websites, or you might not have. Anyway, here it is. I hope you enjoy!

Mulder-Scully Residence August 2001 1 p.m.

"Mulder, just leave, okay?" Byers urged. "You're plane leaves in an hour and a half."

Mulder paced the kitchen, checking the refrigerator and the cupboards, making sure that they were fully stocked and that a list of instructions and emergency numbers were in full view. "Thanks for doing this, guys," Mulder repeated. He adjusted the mini Knicks cap on six-month-old Will's head and dropped a kiss on Lily's red head.

"Mulder just go before we change our minds," whined Langly, whose voice mellowed as he looked into the cooing faces of the twins.

"Don't bother, Frohike!" Mulder bellowed from the front door of the townhouse. "I hid Scully's underwear drawer."

Frohike immediately climbed down the short staircase, sulking. "Mulder, we're babysitting for you overnight on two hour's notice so that way you can get some nookie tonight with Scully. Can you please show a little respect?"

Mulder groaned. "I'll bring you back a present," he promised. "And you three have the fridge to your disposal. There's extra beer in the back closet."

Sheraton Hotel, Manhattan 5 p.m.

"Dr. Scully? You have a message," the well-dressed concierge employee told Scully. She excused herself from the group of colleagues she had been waiting to dine with and headed to the service desk.

She read the card and gasped when she saw it addressed from George Hale. Something must be wrong. She and Mulder only used their aliases in the direst of circumstances, and now, with the babies...Scully high tailed it to the hotel bar, where she immediately spotted Mulder in the corner, perched on a barstool.

"What's wrong?" Scully demanded, fighting the dizziness and nausea her worst thoughts were bringing. "Where are the twins?"

"Good to see you too," Mulder smiled, slowly kissing her. "They're back home. I thought I would surprise you. You sounded so lonely last night. I know you're only supposed to be gone for three days, but I figured that we could spend the night together alone and I'll fly back with you tomorrow."

"Where are my babies?"

"Don't worry, Scully. They're in good hands. They're with the Lone Gunmen."

"You left the Three Stooges in charge of my miracle twins?"

"Hey, they're mine too," argued Mulder. "I wouldn't have done it if I didn't trust the guys."

"I guess you're right," sulked Scully, rubbing Mulder's shoulders as she stood in between his legs. "Will does have your nose, and Lily's eyes did turn green."

"Scully!" Mulder yelped. He knew that her comments were to get back at him, but they still stung.

"Mulder, I'm sorry," Scully apologized, knowing that she had hurt Mulder, even if he did not want to admit it. "I won't do it again. You know that these babies are ours."

"Come on, let's go upstairs," Mulder said, brushing off Scully's comment. He wanted to focus his attentions on the reason why he left his adorable children to come to New York for the grand total of 18 hours.

"Not before we do one thing," Scully coyly cooed. She whispered something into Mulder's ear, which made him cringe in agony. "Anything but that."

"If you're a good boy, Mulder, you will be rewarded," answered Scully. "And the sooner we go, the sooner we get upstairs."

Mulder-Scully Household 6 p.m.

"This kid won't eat," groaned Frohike. He had been trying to spoon feed Lily Katherine for nearly forty-five minutes, but the six-month-old had steadfastly refused to open her mouth. Instead, tears were falling down her cheeks and cries had begun to spill from her lungs. Frohike enviously glared at Byers, who was now feeding William Walter his fourth jar of Peaches 'n Cream and his second bottle. Technically, Will had only eaten three entire jars, with the mess all over his overalls and high chair constituting another can.

"Langly, why the hell aren't you pulling your weight?" Frohike gruffly asked his blonde-haired companion.

Langly just rolled his eyes and forcefully grabbed the baby spoon and Gerber jar from his friend's hand. He bent down so he was Lily's height from her perch on the highchair. Within seconds, the baby girl was happily eating her dinner. "You just didn't do it right," shrugged off Langly when Frohike glared at him.

Sheraton Hotel, Manhattan 7.30 pm

Mulder decided that it was easier to feed the twins and deal with their colic than to make small talk with a half dozen pathologists and their significant others. He kept looking at Scully longingly, her fingers resting on his upper left thigh, distracting him from the surrounding conversation. Her lips breezed across his ear as she whispered "bubble bath" as though she was asking him to pass the salt.

"So, dear, when are you two going to be married?" Mrs. Eggert asked Scully sweetly. She was an older woman, the wife of one of the senior pathologists who presented the seminar Scully had attended after her own session. Mulder was just as interested in the response. Scully had introduced him to her colleagues as her fiancÄe.

That was technically correct. Mulder remembered his proposal, which had taken place nearly three months earlier. It had been four a.m., and both the twins had been crying. The stress as new parents to twins had been settling in, and Mulder knew that SuperMom needed the extra sleep. "Marry me and I'll get up," he had suddenly said. He had been equally surprised with her response.

"Fine," had been her response.

Later that night, preheating bottles in the kitchen, he broached the subject with her. "You know Scully, I was serious this morning," he tenderly reminded.

"And so was I," Scully had reiterated with a raised eyebrow.

Memories of that interesting kitchen cleaning episode came to mind, nearly distracting Mulder to the point of forgetting to pay attention to his intended's answer.

"We haven't discussed that yet," Scully smoothly answered with a smile. "We're focusing on our twins now. They just turned six months old."

Immediately, the older woman's face lightened at the mention of babies. "Do you have any pictures?"

"Of course," Scully said. She reached into her bag and produced a roll of recently developed pictures, ones that Mulder hadn't recognized.

"Where did you get these?" Mulder asked, vaguely remembering Scully asking him to drop off the roll at CVS.

"You dropped them off for me on Friday, remember?" Scully asked.

"But I picked them up earlier today," Mulder smiled, hoping that the elder Mrs. Eggert wouldn't notice their discussion.

"So what are these in my hand?" Scully asked Mulder, continuing their charade. Mulder had purchased a brand new camera and had eagerly put it to use, not just taking pictures of the brand new babies, but of other extra-curricular activities he and Scully shared.

"Scully, put them back," Mulder calmly answered her, giving her a patented MulderLook.

"Mulder!" Scully hissed. "I can't believe you. Do you know what could have happened if who ever was developing these decided to call..."

"Scully, we are the police," Mulder insisted.

"You used your badge?" Scully squawked.

"There are advantages to being a member of the FBI," Mulder shrugged.

"Are those the pictures, dearie?" Mrs. Eggert asked politely.

Scully glared at Mulder as she put the roll of pictures back in her bag. "Here you go, Mrs. Eggert," Mulder kindly said as he pulled out his wallet. He flipped through his billfold and produced a handful of slightly wrinkled pictures. "This one here with the dark hair is William, and the one who looks like her Mommy is Lily."

"They are precious," Mrs. Eggert smiled. She turned to her husband and said, "Dear, did you see Dana's children?"

Mulder cringed. He knew that once the pictures of the twins went around the table, then the other parents/grandparents/godparents/aunts/uncles and cousins would produce their own photographs and soon the conversation would never end. Scully evilly smiled at him. Mulder stewed in silence. He knew that this was some sort of karmic punishment.

Mulder-Scully Residence 9 p.m.

"Bedtime is 8:30, silly," cooed Langly as he tried to settle Lily into her crib. He turned to Will and continued. "You gotta stay up late, big boy."

"Just turn off the lights. They should be fine," Byers said from the hallway.

"Byers, man, go back to the bathroom. You're dripping on the new carpet," snapped Frohike from the landing on the stairs.

Byers shook his head and made his way to the bathroom. Since Will had gotten so much food on his clothes as well as on his skin, he needed a bath. It was just as easy to give one twin a bath as it was both of them, so both of the Mulder children were quite happy in the tub. Until someone, namely Frohike, accidentally got soap in Will's eyes. Will had splashed half the water from the tub onto Byers' suit, and the negative energy in the room clearly affected both of the babies. Since Byers was already wet, he was elected to dry off both the twins, which he did after nearly twenty minutes of kicking and screaming. After finally changing diapers, finding pajamas and getting the twins settled, a fight erupted between Langly and Frohike.

"You purposely drained the laptop battery so you could ruin my Doom game!" Langly accused Frohike.

"I pulled the plug so nobody would trip," bellowed Frohike.

"Bullshit!" Langly roared.

The cries from the nursery hadn't stopped until Frohike had locked Langly into the room as punishment for instigating such a loud argument. "They're asleep now," Langly stage whispered. He dimmed the lights to the nursery and the threesome congregated in the hallway, albeit Byers standing from the bathroom threshold.

"What's that funky smell?" Frohike sniffed.

"Diaper pail," Byers sighed. "It's kinda leaky."

"How did it get leaky, man? All you need to do is like, press the diaper through the thing," Langly argued.

"Well, I kinda kicked it and there's a crack at the bottom," Byers shamefully admitted, hanging his head low to the ground.

"And we're on the second floor too," whined Langly.

"Throw it out, Byers," Frohike said.

"He's too wet," Langly answered. "Hickey, you do it. I have to fix those bottles and shit. Byers, I'll find some of Muldy's clothes for you."

"Shit is right," Frohike scowled.

Sheraton Hotel, Manhattan 10 p.m.

"It wasn't that bad, Mulder, admit it," giggled Scully. After the marathon dinner had ended at 8: 30, Scully had furthered her partner's punishment by agreeing to 'make an appearance' at a cocktail party in the hotel lounge. Scully hadn't had a drink since before her pregnancy, so the two margaritas she downed had a stronger effect than usual. "You had fun."

Scully slung her bag on the chair and kissed Mulder. "Thank you for sitting through all that. Honestly, I really didn't expect for us to be there so long."

"I know," Mulder forgave. "And I really didn't expect you to pick up the pictures. I honestly had forgotten about the other roll."

"I'll run the bath," Scully suggested.

"I'll do it," Mulder offered. "You rest. I brought the real set of pictures with me. They're in my bag."

Scully kicked off her shoes and went through Mulder's travel bag. "Jesus, Mulder, what did you bring? You're here for what, eighteen hours?"

"I had to bring stuff," Mulder called from the bathroom, the running tub water muffling his words.

"Mulder, why is all of my underwear in your bag?" Scully demanded.

Mulder meekly appeared at the doorway. "I didn't want Frohike to go through it," he honestly answered.

"I think that's a little bit too paranoid," Scully argued. "He's been good ever since you came back. You know that."

"Old habits are hard to break," Mulder shrugged. "Come here, Scully. Tonight is about us."

Mulder-Scully Residence Midnight

The wails woke up Frohike first. "Langly, stop sobbing like a baby," he ridiculed.

From across the room, Langly muttered, "That's not me. I don't sob. I wail."

"I think it's the kids," Byers ingeniously spoke from the living room floor.

The three Lone Gunmen looked at each other and bumbled up the stairs, worried about what could have gone wrong. Langly immediately put on the overhead light, which exposed two red faced infants. "I thought Muldy said they woke up at two to be fed," Langly scratched his head.

"I think this is colic," suggested Byers. "I think he mentioned that over the weekend, remember? He was going to come over for some Dungeons and Dragons, but he was too tired."

"Damn him!" Frohike cursed. "Damn your daddy!"

"Uncle Hickey's just being silly," assured Langly to the twins. "He really doesn't mean it." Langly cast a look over to Byers. It was going to be a long night.

Mulder-Scully Household Next day 3 p.m.

A very relaxed Mulder and Scully arrived home, eager to see their babies in one piece. During the cab ride home, Scully had voiced her visions of a demolished townhouse ("but Mulder, we just moved in"), lost children ("and we paid full price for that security system"), and other catastrophes. "Scully, they would have called if there was a problem," Mulder had reassured her constantly. In the back of his mind, however, his thoughts dovetailed those of Scully's.

Scully raced back into the townhouse, calling out, "We're home!"

She was met with silence.

In the middle of the living room, the pullout couch contained five bodies: that of three grown men and two babies. Scully wasn't sure if she should cry or laugh. The babies were awake and looked quite content, having just risen from their mid-day naps. Langly had protectively cradled Lily on his stomach, her face lying on his chest.

Will had somehow managed to wiggle from Byers' grasp, and was climbing onto Frohike's face.

Scully immediately went to pick up both of the twins, cooing to them about how much she missed them and how she wasn't going to go away for a very long time. Mulder caught sight of the scene: his beautiful fianc, and twin children with the Three Stooges in the background, sleeping silently. He went to the study, but Scully stopped him before he left the room. "Mulder," she said seriously, "You aren't allowed near the camera."


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