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Title: Deadalive 1 - When the Heartache is Over Author: Soleil Compeau Written: March 2001 Category: M&S friendship, character death, songfic Rating: PG sorry folks Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. They are the sole property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and the Fox Network. No copyright infringement intended. Lyrics from "When the Heartache is Over" by Tina Turner also used without permission. Author's Notes: It seems that CC isn't going to give us much of a glimpse into Scully's life after Mulder's funeral. This is the beginning of a series of vignettes attempting to explore what she went through more closely, through the holidays and stages of mourning. Warning! This fic assumes that Mulder and Scully were Never Lovers, but that they shared a deep and abiding platonic love. It also assumes that the IVF efforts of Per Manum were actually successful. Summary: Scully's thoughts after the funeral Scully was driving home from her meeting with Skinner when she heard the song. The AD had gladly signed off on her request for a leave of absence, length unspecified. He had urged her to come back only when she "felt ready." She recognized Tina Turner's voice and turned up the radio. When she actually heard the lyrics she sucked in a breath at their meaning. When the heartache is over She put her hand over her mouth as thoughts of Mulder flew into her head. The heartache would never be over. She would always miss him. Won't look over my shoulder Scully began to sob uncontrollably and pulled the car over. Looking back was something she HAD to do, if she was ever to leave the past behind. There were so many memories, so much that she and Mulder had shared. Sometimes I look back in anger "Oh God, Mulder!" Scully cried in agony. Oh yes, there had been anger and pain too. Scully thought of all the times she had shown that anger to Mulder. She desperately wished she could take it all back. She wished Mulder were here so she could tell him, "You are my dearest friend and Nothing else matters." She honestly didn't know if she could live without him. She literally hurt all over. The ache in her heart was so deep, she had to consciously push her partner out of her thoughts in order to even function. She didn't know if she could live without him, but she was about to find out. |
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Title: Deadalive 2. Nothing Else Matters Summary: The importance of the partnership Author's Notes: Please don't flame me for this one. What I'm trying to do is track Scully's progress through the holidays, as well as show her in the stages of mourning: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Scully has hit Anger in this fic. A sharp rap on the door startled Scully; then she remembered what day it was. She opened the door and looked at the gaggle of small, solemn children. One Sleeping Beauty, one gypsy girl, a Batman, a zombie, and in the back, a little boy dressed as an alien. "Trick or Treat!" they chorused in unison. "Here you go," she murmured as she placed mini candy bars in each bag. When they left she sagged against the wall. That alien costume had rattled her. She wondered if Mulder had enjoyed Halloween as a child. He had certainly enjoyed it as an adult. He often teased her about the supposed X-Files associated with Samhain. Scully strode into the kitchen with jerky movements, barely in control of the strong emotions gripping her. She didn't want to think of Mulder right now and decided on a soothing cup of tea. When it was ready, she tried to stir in a dollop of honey, but her hands shook badly and she burned her fingers. "Goddamn it!" she screamed and hurled the mug against the wall. It shattered, of course, and the tea made an ugly stain on the wall. "I Hate You, I Hate You, I Hate You!" Scully stomped around the rooms she had existed in for so long. Her upstairs neighbor, the one who always played his music too loud, was listening to heavy metal. Good. I'm in the mood for something violent, she thought. Scully snapped on her stereo and twisted the dial savagely until she found the right station. I've been turning to music a lot lately. Must be the Mulder in me coming out. No! I don't Want any Mulder in me! Her hand drifted over her stomach, down near the pubic bone where her uterus was. Bit late for that Dana Katherine, she scolded herself. "OK, that was Whitesnake's "Still of the Night." Next up, we've got some Metallica for you after this short break." Scully pulled awkwardly at her sweatpants and T-shirt while half listening to the advertisements. Her body felt heavy and ungainly. Her waist had thickened and her breasts were fuller and more sensitive. She wasn't quite big enough for maternity clothes yet. The song came on and she listened raptly. So close no matter how far Never opened myself this way Trust I seek and I find in you Never cared for what they do As the song began to repeat, a dull fury swept through Scully. This person might as well have been singing about her partnership with Mulder! The fury boiled over. "Fuck! Fuck you Mulder! Oh, you've really done it this time. You've pulled off the ultimate ditch." She snatched up the picture of Mulder she had shown to Absalom just before he was found and addressed it with hatred in her eyes. "Was that damn spaceship so important Mulder! Why? Why did you leave me behind? WHY?" Scully crumpled the picture into a ball and flung it from her. Being only paper, it fluttered harmlessly to the floor without making the satisfying thud she wanted to hear. She grabbed one of her dining room chairs and rocked it hard against the floor again and again. She understood now why Mulder had banged his computer table when she told him about his mother. It felt good to exert control over something, even something as stupid as thumping wood against the floor. "Shit." Scully's strength finally gave out. She clung to the back of the chair, panting a bit. More children were knocking on her door. She didn't want to deal with them. Bad enough she was pregnant. Bad enough she had no father to help with her child. Bad enough she had been penetrated by a test tube instead of a man. She and Mulder hadn't completely worked out the details of their agreement concerning the baby when he was taken. Yet another thing he had failed her in. Bastard. Scully decided to go to bed. The trick-or-treaters would be
disappointed, but Scully needed the blessed ignorance of sleep to |
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Title: Deadalive 3. What's Love Got to do With it? Summary: Scully realized she was in love with Mulder. Author's Notes: I couldn't help it. My shipper heart won out on this one. Scully looked at the frozen TV dinner with disgust. It was her one concession to Thanksgiving, other than to inform her mother that she wasn't coming to the family dinner, as usual. Maggie had left several messages before Scully finally called her. In the past, work had prevented her from attending. She couldn't bear telling her mother why she wasn't there this year, but she knew she had to eventually. Venturing out of her apartment to purchase her Thanksgiving meal had been harder than she thought. The world outside seemed strange. The Quickmart cashier's gaze seemed remote and alien. Back in her apartment, Scully heaved a sigh of relief. Here, everything reminded her of Mulder anyway, so... She conjured him everywhere, sitting on her couch, lounging in her kitchen doorway. Sometimes she would talk to him. She imagined his responses, what he would say to this or that. Sometimes he called out to her from the bathroom and that made her giggle. Scully told herself it was almost as good as having the real Mulder, almost. She bravely lifted a bite of turkey and gravy to her lips. Suddenly realizing that she hadn't said grace, she put it down and bowed her head. Having dutifully recited the Our Father, she patted her stomach, now hard and round at five and a half months. These were her rituals. If she performed them well enough, she reasoned, she could keep her pretend Mulder. After dinner Scully went into the bedroom to listen to the radio. Her ghostly partner lingered in the doorway with a mournful look. She never let him in here. "Cry Scully," he suggested gently. "Cry for me." He was right. Ever since that day when she sobbed in the car, Scully had been unable to weep. Her need to survive her crushing sorrow had caused her to dissociate from her pain. She had gone completely numb. The Ice Queen returneth. This was of course a Very Bad Thing. The hard knot of agony in her grew daily bigger, much like her baby. It had to be drained in much the same way a boil had to be lanced. Reluctantly Scully turned the station to easy listening. Maybe some sappy love songs would evoke an emotional response. The unmistakable rhythm of Tina Turner wafted through the air. She listened with interest. This woman's music had broken through her walls once before. You must understand Scully caught her breath. Tina crooned on. That it's only the thrill Scully's eyes began to gleam with tears. Ghostmulder crept up behind her, breaching the sanctity of her bedroom to slip his arms around her from behind. You must try to ignore Oh, what's love got to do, got to do with it? Scully's frozen heart began to beat frantically as the realization dawned on her. Love. Love had everything to do with it. Love had kept her by his side through it all. Love. It may seem to you Scully couldn't believe how deeply she had been in denial over this. The longing looks, the slight touches...No wonder I always felt 'queasy' when he got so close to me, Scully thought with a stab of sorrow for all her lost opportunities. As close as they had been, even Mulder had not guessed at this final truth. She didn't hear the rest of the song, nor any song after that. The tears flowed freely down her face now. Ghostmulder began to fade slowly away. Animalistic sounds issued from her throat. "Mulder...come back!" she cried out brokenly. "God please! I'll do anything, anything to have him back! I love him. I love him so much!" |
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Title: Deadalive 4. Christmas Summary: She must be taking her partner's death pretty hard. Author's Notes: No music to go with this one. I couldn't think of anything sad enough. Remember, I'm assuming in these vignettes that Scully and Mulder were never lovers, but he fathered her baby via IVF. Scully sat on the couch in her mother's living room while her family moved around her. She existed in an island of space which few dared to violate. Occasionally a child would bump gently against her and smile into her face. She responded to each with a look of kindness, but no more. It didn't seem to matter much. Nothing really mattered anymore. Her mother's face swam into view. Her lips were moving, but Scully couldn't hear her. All she could think of these days was her heartbeat. It was not echoed by Mulder's anymore, funny she had never noticed that she could hear their hearts beating in tandem until it stopped. That moment in the hotel room when she saw him by the window. It was another picture that would be etched forever in her mind's eye. The much faster beat of her child's heart now replaced his presence in her body and soul. Maggie laid a hand briefly on her daughter's forehead. She looked worried as she moved away. Scully was left alone for a bit as everyone helped get the feast on the table. She concentrated on feeling her baby. He moved strongly within her; stretching, rolling, growing. Whenever she thought about him, it was always in these masculine terms. Scully suspected her baby was a son. a son. A strong son who would carry on in his father's name? Scully shied away from such a painful thought. Into the son she would pour all the memories of the father, but never the pain. Not if she could help it. Bill Jr.'s face loomed at her next. She focused on him in time to hear him say, "Dana? I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" Mom had apparently saved her the burden of telling the whole family why she was such a shadow of her former self. Her voice is dull with despair. "What do you care? You never liked Mulder anyway." "Jesus, Dana! I'd never wish death on anyone, no matter how much I liked or disliked them. The man was your partner for God's sake, I knew the two of you were close." Speaking is an effort. Everything is so heavy; her eyelids, her tongue, her heart. "I think he might have been my soul mate, Bill." Silence descends for a long moment. Bill clears his throat and tries again. "Maybe you should think about moving closer to home, you know, for the baby's sake," he pauses a moment, then bravely plunges on. "Your family needs you to be safe, Dana. And... with a new baby...a single mother.." It would take too much energy to interrupt him. She lets him trail off on his own before telling him, "I'm staying in Mulder's apartment for now." "What!? Do you think that's wise? Maybe it's time to let go. You know? Start moving forward, plan for your future." Bill trailed off again and shifted uncomfortably. Scully knew he wanted to ask about the baby's father, and how she let herself get knocked up in the first place. If only the explanation were as simple as that. Scully also knew that her mother had probably forbidden her eldest son from hassling her about it. She lifted weary eyes to her kin and made the effort to make him understand. "Bill, I'm so fucking sad, I feel like I want to die. Mulder's dead! I'm never gonna see my best friend again!" She felt sobs building in her chest and fought them. Mustn't break down, mustn't cry. If she started she would never be able to stop. A cavern of insanity waited inside her, licking its lips in anticipation of her breakdown. She would fight the demons as long as she could. "I have to surround myself with him right now. I have to see his things, smell his cologne. I have to feed his fish. I want to immerse myself in all his memories. I-I even found myself going through his photo albums yesterday." She wouldn't tell Bill about wearing his clothes or sleeping in his bed or weeping desperately to God to please, please take it all back. Those were the personal things, the things that she would never tell anyone. The things that damned her eyes. He looked into her deadened eyes with love and concern. "May I ask where you got the money to pay rent on two apartments?" "Agent Doggett loaned me some. And I took a little out of my savings." Her brother sighed deeply. He was a bit troubled by this particular bit of news. She should be keeping her savings for herself instead of wasting it mourning a partner who had caused her such distress with his damn hokey ideas. He didn't know what to do with this normally spirited sister. She was so drained of her usual spark and will. She must be taking her partner's death pretty hard, he reflected. "Let me give you some money, Dana. Tara and I live too far away to be of any real help. Let me at least do that for you." Scully began to protest, to assert that she was strong and didn't need protection or coddling. But the words of a long ago college friend came to mind. "When something bad happens in your life, all your friends will ask if there's anything they can do. Make a list for 'em. Tell them honestly what you need-meals brought, errands run, a shoulder to cry on. If they're really your friends they'll do it." She nodded in acceptance. "Thanks Billy," she whispered lovingly. "Good," Bill heaved a sigh of relief. Then in a stern voice he added, "Later we can talk more about you moving closer to Mom. And maybe finding a safer job so you can take care of that little one!" With forced jovialness he got up and went to find his wife. Dana's sadness was so palatable, he just wanted to hold his loved one for a moment, reaffirm his connection to her. That comment about Mulder being her soul mate rattled him. He hoped she wouldn't carry a torch around for him now. Maybe that Agent Doggett fellow would take her mind off of it after awhile. He seemed like a steady fellow from what Bill knew. He obviously cared about Dana's state of mind. Scully looked at the gaily decorated tree that dominated one whole wall. It blurred before her eyes until the lights swam in a rainbow kaleidoscope. She was remembering another Christmas in another time, when she and Mulder spent an evening exchanging gifts. They had exchanged forgiveness and companionship that night as well. She tried hard not to play the What-If game, but...if only she had known how little time they really had. If only she had spent every Christmas, every New Year, every moment of every day with him. Dana Scully continued to stare fixedly at the tree as she lost herself in the past, the few times she had seen Mulder smile and be happy. The rare recollections of that smile would have to be enough this year. Finally, she heard her mother calling her to dinner. End End notes: Even though I'm writing this as a friendship fic, I am a
shipper. Therefore I challenge anyone to find me a phile who is a real, honest to goodness Noromo. I'd like to ask a few questions. <g> |
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Title: Deadalive 5. I Believe Summary: It's about hope, and carrying on, and resolutions made. Author's Notes: I've finally made it to the end of this thing. I hope You're all still with me, and that you enjoyed the ride.
Naked!Mulders for anyone who tells me what they think of these She looked with amused tolerance at the big screen TV. Bon Jovi was preparing to take the stage on Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve 2001. She had thought Bon Jovi's popularity had ended when the '80's had, but they were making a dubious comeback. Lead singer Jonbon strutted to the microphone and looked soulfully into the camera before beginning to sing. All I know is what I've been sold I can't do this, you can't do that I believe, I believe You gave it all, then you gave more I believe, I believe Don't look up on your movie screens I believe, I believe Dana Scully had always been one to follow the rules. Sure, there had been acts of rebellion here and there. In high school she had pierced her belly button, smoked, and drank. During medical school she had carried on with a married man, then allowed herself to be recruited by the FBI. Yet another deviation from the rules had been her affair with her instructor Jack. Then she met Mulder...well, Mulder had been the biggest rebellion of all. Instead of selling him out, she had joined his crusade. But for all that, Scully generally behaved herself. She found that she liked the restraint of rules and regulations. She got a sense of satisfaction from obeying orders. Mulder, the aforementioned cause of her biggest break with authority, had never been interested in orders. Only the truth. Scully reflected on their desk job punishment under AD Kersch. The X-Files reopened and given to another agent who thumbed his nose at them constantly. Their own relationship at its lowest ebb due to Agent Fowley's machinations. Still, Mulder had not been deterred. He had remained dedicated to the truth, no matter the cost. Even through his partner tagging along and doubting, criticizing, arguing. He had told her once that she made him a whole person, that her "strict rationalism and science" had saved him. Well. She had felt at times that she was holding him back. But when all was said and done the fact remained that they were a team. Each was made stronger by the other. Nevertheless, Scully had to carry on...alone. No, not really alone, she amended as her ample belly shifted. Thanks to Mulder's precious gift to her she would never really be without him. No, not alone, she thought as she glanced at the men on either side of her. Agent Doggett and AD Skinner had been reluctant to bring her to this place. She insisted on it, telling them she wanted a bit of normalcy. Wincing inside even as she said it, but knowing these men did not know of her battles with Mulder over what constituted "normal." So gaily to the neighborhood pub they had traipsed. Hoo Rah. Scully almost burst out laughing at the twin looks of dismay on their faces when she waltzed up to the bar and placed her order. She raised her glass of diet soda as the countdown began. To you Mulder, she toasted silently. In the starlight or in the ground, wherever you are, here's to you. For I have come full circle on this strange road walked by your side. For now I, too, believe. I will carry on for Both of us, and for this new life I cradle. I believe. End
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