|
Title: Soft Goodbyes Summary: a mood piece on Scully after a major event in her life. Author's notes: First and foremost, thank you to Sheryl for beta-reading, you know I appreciate it! Read it and give feedback. Information on what will happen to flames is at the bottom. I still miss him. The soft, heartfelt goodbyes I received leaving our basement office. I sometimes catch myself standing in that doorway, waiting for the goodbyes that will never come. I arrive home alone and wait for his midnight calls after a nightmare, but it's my nightmare now and there's no one to call. I lie awake dreaming of going to work and seeing his smiling face. I occasionally buy two coffees and a doughnut; I sit drinking mine and place the other on his desk. I wait for him to return, and smile at noticing breakfast. His desk remains his own, and mine in the corner where it has always been. His computer has gathered dust and his poster fell down last week. I re-pinned it, and cried as I remembered how he sought to find that artifact destroyed in the fire. Newspaper clippings of aliens and X-Files still adorn the wall and a lone photo of us smiling together has pride of place in the centre. I put it there a few months ago. No one else understands. The office has stayed as dishevelled as it always was, a reminder of the past. Mulder died six months ago. I received pitying looks from people at the bureau; I still do. I walk down halls and people ask me if I am okay. I've stopped replying with "I'm fine"; I say that I'm still mourning his death, but that I have to get on with life. I am the epicentre of this tragedy and some days it feels just like that. I wake up with tears streaming down my face but I get up and go to work. I am filled with Mulder when I walk into the office. I love coming to work everyday, because pure Mulder surrounds me until I return home. AD Skinner tried to reassign me, but I fought every battle to stay where I am. I worked in Quantico for a while, but at night AD Skinner would find me in our basement office crying and wandering around the room a daze. So I stayed with The X-Files. I was assigned a partner but I fought to have him removed. I was told to attend counselling within the bureau. That I didn't fight--I attend regular counselling sessions and it helps me to come to terms with the death of the person I loved. I can say it now: I loved Mulder. I love Mulder still. He is my world and I love him more than I ever could admit. The X- Files was Mulder's quest, but that is not why I continued. I continued because The X-Files has become my quest, a part of who I have become. AD Skinner has been a tower of strength. I was told to report to Skinner after Mulder's death because of our closeness. He helped me through the torture then as he helps me now. He was the first I told about my pregnancy; he knew it was Mulder's, but I explained anyway. I told him that our relationship had elevated before his death; that the first and only time was the conception. I thought it was impossible; I can conclude only divine intervention. I am six and a half months pregnant--and everyone can see it. I am positive that they know the truth--I feel the chilling stares they give--but I try to ignore their searing gaze. I imagine that Mulder holds my hand as I walk through the halls, gaining strength from a simple fantasy. I am in our office right now, thinking and planning for the future, seeing Mulder here with me through it all. End Hope you liked it, feedback to the addresses above. Flames will be used to roast Diana Fowley after being laughed at by all my friends. Pepper 'Confusion is just a state of non-conformity'
|