|
Title: Nursery Magic Fairies Summary: Mulder, Scully, William and their last night together. Author's notes: The Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse is a beautiful tale written by Margery Williams. A good reading for any age, IMHO. It had always been his favorite tale: The Velveteen Rabbit and the Skin Horse. And now there he was, holding that crumpled book in one hand and little Will in the other; reading to him in what he hoped was a soothing voice. "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." He had never thought it would have been so easy. He was sure he would have been awkward at first -- human relations weren't exactly his strong point, and he had zero experience with babies, so ... So nothing. All it had taken was forty-eight hours, just the time to discover that William preferred to sleep on his right shoulder rather than on the left one, or that he seemed to take special delight in kicking his socks off when nobody picked him up, and Mulder had hopelessly fallen in love with him. His son. Was he allowed to call him so? Because the problem with that baby was that -- even knowing he was going to leave him, and that he wouldn't be there to see his first smile and hear his first word -- he felt he was *his*. (Forgive me Scully, because this wasn't part of our agreements) The baby was asleep on his right shoulder with his solemn little face turned toward him, his long eyelashes fluttering, probably following a baby-dream. Will had inherited his mother's blue eyes, and her fair hair. He couldn't see any resemblance to himself, yet he was part of him as he was part of Scully, wasn't he? (You know it isn't so, Spooky. You know that it takes much more than a signature on a form and some sperm to make a father.) He kissed his fuzzy head and kept on reading, striving to pretend it was a normal night in a normal family. Himself, Scully and William. Lost in a haze of talc-smelling reveries and nursery magic fairies, he hadn't noticed that the gurgling of water from the kitchen had stopped. "Not bad for a beginner", she said, gesturing to the sleeping bundle with a smile. (A sad smile) He smiled back, lowering his eyes. It wasn't only a form of stupid demureness for having been caught fussing over the baby; he was afraid that she would have read the truth in his eyes. And he was afraid his "truth-time" had expired. "I know he's too young for bedtime stories, but I had kept this old book for him, so ..." He bit his lip, knowing he had taken a false step. For a timeless moment their eyes meet, and all that would never been, all that he was turning his back on in a few hours, passed in front of him like a movie. First days of school, Christmas mornings muffled by snow, birthday parties. And there was something in her eyes ... could she see that too? In answer to his question, Scully turned abruptly and disappeared again into the kitchen. Mulder held the baby tighter against him for a moment, causing him to fuss a while. Patting his back, he went to put him to his cradle, lingering a moment to thumb his chubby cheeks, then went back to her. She was wiping the plates, keeping her back to him. Her movements were sharp and stiff, and he felt the sudden urge to stop her. She was shutting him out again, and although he didn't feel like blaming her this time, he couldn't stand to leave her like that. Feeling selfish and mean, he placed a hand over her shoulder, trying to gather something to say. She started, and a plate crashed to the floor. "Damn, Mulder!" She hissed, crouching to recover the bigger splinters. He tried to help her, but she gestured him to stay away. "There is already mess enough", she muttered. "Scully, I ..." "I'm sorry. All I want to know is if this is where we end. If you're telling us goodbye." Her voice was firm, but there were tears in her eyes; that silent way of crying that had never failed to break his heart. He thought of the suitcases packed in the other room, and a sense of inevitability assailed him. He had just realized they wanted the same things, but it was too late. He couldn't go back, but maybe that was the best thing he could do for her and the baby. "I've always come back before, right?" The truth was that he didn't know if they were going to meet again, and he had never been a good liar when it came to her. "Only I'm sorry you've always had to pick up the pieces I leave behind," he added, carefully taking the splinters from her hand and dumping them into the garbage. "We were much more than that, Mulder." The tears were streaking down her cheeks now, yet she still seemed to refuse to acquiesce them. God, how much they had changed. He sought in her face that of the girl in her underwear who a lifetime ago had rushed into his room scared of three mosquito bites, and for a dreadful moment couldn't find her. But then she sniffed and wiped out her cheeks with the back of her hand, and his beloved Scully was back. It was just then that what was going to happen fully entered his mind. No more crappy motels, no more ghost-hunting at Christmas eve, no more raised eyebrows, no more Scully. He couldn't help taking her in his arms, crushing her against him. It had been almost an year since they held each other, and at first she stiffened. But he wasn't going to let her go. All he wanted was to go back to the old times, just for a night. Their last night. And finally she gave up her fight for control, starting to cry as he had seen her doing only twice before, holding desperately to him. She cried all the tears she hadn't cried the last eight months. He thought that maybe he was crying too, but he was too worried to hold her tight, knowing that she had to crash before starting to re-build. "It's going to be okay. Remember what I told you that night, Scully? There has to be an end. I didn't want to cause you so much pain, but it's over now. You and William are going to be fine. And safe. And one day, before you have the time to get accustomed to a normal life, I'll be back, and if you want, we'll go monsters chasing again." He wanted her to know that it was okay to go on with her life, but he wasn't ready to tell her goodbye. It hadn't been easy to convince her that his leaving was the only way to keep them safe. She was ready to follow him, but he couldn't allow her and William to leave everything behind to leave a wandering, armored life. That night they were closer than they had been since his return, and it felt both good and bad at the same time. Mulder lost track of time, till William's cries brought him back to earth. Scully sighed, and left the kitchen with an awkward smile, only to come back a few minutes later. Her eyes were still red, her always-impeccable hair decidedly ruffled. She was beautiful. "He's asleep" She said, sitting in front of him on the kitchen table. "He wanted to know what was going on, and I explained him that you have to go for a while." Mulder nodded "I see." "He said that's okay, but he asked me to make you promise that, once back, you'll tell him the end of that tale." He had to close his eyes for a moment. "I will, word of honor." They talked the whole night. Cuddled together under a warm comforter, they celebrated their past with hot chocolate and cookies. She told him something about the months he was missing, but he didn't bug her too much on that, knowing it was still a fresh wound. He just wanted her to understand that she wasn't going to lose him again. Even if he couldn't tell her where he was going to go, even if it was better to avoid even phone calls at first, he hoped she could feel that it didn't mean he was leaving her. Scully nodded quietly, staring at her hands, and he wasn't sure she believed him. And how he could blame her, for God's sake? The truth was that he was doing it in a nice way, but leaving her and his four-day-old son anyway. He could only hope he wasn't making the biggest mistake of his life. She fell asleep shortly before dawn. She didn't want to waste a single moment of the time they'd left, but the events of the last days had worn her out. He listened to her deep breathing and thought back to all the nights he had seen her sleeping that way, sharing the front seat of a rented car with him during their trips in the middle of nowhere. How many memories. He still hadn't fully processed the idea that they had a baby now; for him she was still his partner, his kick-ass Scully. But that era was finished forever; he believed they were going to be together again sometime, and that belief was the only thing that allowed him to carry on, but they would have never been the old Mulder and Scully. That idea had scared the hell out of him at first, but then he had accepted that they had grown up, and that growing bring always changes. One day he had told her that she had made him a whole person, but just after his return from death he had realized how true that was. Too bad that now that he was ready to face all this, he had to give it up. When she stirred and opened her eyes, a pearly cold light was already starting to light the room. It took her only a few blinks to remember what that light was going to bring with it, and she hid her face against his shoulder as to escape it. "Hey." He kissed her head. "Hey." The muffled sound that came from her elicited a smile from him. "What about some coffee?" She curled tighter against him. "Okay, just ... uh, just give me a moment." That moment stretched out till the morning sun began to filter through the shutters. Then he left, and eventually came back to fulfill the promise made to his son. The Velveteen Rabbit had become real; but that is another story. -The End. Feedbacks are cherished at
|