| Title: Contemplating The Unbelievable Summary: Mulder tries to come to terms with paternity.
You take my hand and hold it between yours for a moment, then you place my hand on the top of your hard belly and gently hold my hand there so it can't escape. There is a gentle undulation under my hand. That small movement totally throws me. I feel as if an electric current has been passed through me. It is as if the windows of my mind have suddenly been thrown open, and knowledge comes flooding in. I've done this, it's life *I* helped create that is growing in your womb; that is my child moving in your uterus, gently caressing my palm with its movements. Suddenly my world stops spinning on it's axis. My life will never be the same again. I'm going to be a daddy. I'm not sure how to view this prospect. Is it just a guy thing, being so scared at the prospect of fatherhood? In normal circumstances, a guy would have a chance to get used to the idea. I don't know how far along you are, but you're so big. I know nothing about babies, about pregnancy, but you must be fairly close to giving birth. Here am I, suddenly having to come to terms with the unbelievable. Can you blame me for finding this amazing thing so difficult to accept Scully? Even so, how could I have even considered for a moment that this wasn't my child? I feel so angry at what has been done to me, at everything that has been taken away. None of that is your fault Scully. Why am I directing my antagonism at you? You, like me, are an innocent victim. In a strange way, although you are innocent, you are the only one with who I can give vent to my anger. Like a child, I feel safe enough with you to 'play up' and know that you will understand, that you will forgive my lapses. I feel so angry Scully, that I've missed so much. I try to imagine how you'd have told me, if I were here, when you first discovered this incredible fact. I haven't done any of the things expectant fathers are supposed to do for and with their partners, and I feel angry that I've been robbed of those experiences. The chance to see your body changing as it accommodated the life inside you. When I saw you last, you were slender and unbreakable, you kept your feelings so secret. Now you're as big as a house, so beautiful and so soft, so emotional. I find that very hard to come to terms with. It didn't just happen overnight, and this too was stolen from me. I want to touch you to hold you, to explore all the changes in you; but I'm afraid. What do I know of fatherhood, of parenting? A dysfunctional child of dysfunctional parents. I don't want this to continue into the third generation, but I don't know how to change things. That's probably why you don't want to talk to me about the child. Who wants a screw up like me as a father for their miracle child? God, Scully I want to be with you, with our child, but I've changed so much. I no longer know where I fit in into the scheme of things. Everyone is walking around as if on eggshells when they are near me, you included. You know what I really want this moment, Scully? I would give anything to have the courage to put my hand on the small of your back and claim you back as I used to do so long ago. Would you let m do that Scully? Would you accept me back? I finally look up at you, and you allow me to look into your eyes. What I see there both shocks and surprises me. You are just as frightened as I am, just as unsure. "Scully...." Fin
Author's notes: I hasten to add that I've not seen anything of Season 8 yet. This piece is pure conjecture, from one or two spoilers and from what I've read of other authors. Maybe, given a chance they will work it out. 'I have spread my dreams under your feet; tread softly for you tread on my dreams.' Visit me and read my other x-phile stories at https://web.archive.org/web/20060716231512/http://www.whatewa.com/contents1.htm
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