Title: "Waiting for a second chance"
Author: Natalie Farr
Date: Apr 03, 1999
Summary: Two months after Emily's death, Scully receives a visitation.
Category: C, A.
Keywords: XF/City of Angels crossover, Scully angst.
Spoilers: "A Christmas Carol", "Emily", and "All Souls".
Disclaimer: Dana Scully and Fox Mulder belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Network.
Seth (played by Nicholas Cage) belongs my favourite movie "City of Angels" (apart from Fight the Future, of course).
Laura Holden belongs to me, and I think I'm gonna bring her back. She's sweet. What do you think? Maybe I'll write an X-file for once, and stop all this lovy-dovyness. Let me know what you think.
"Spend all your time waiting for a second chance
For the break that would make it OK
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day.
In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you feel.
In the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here."
-- Sarah McLachlan, "Angel"
The little girl sat up in her hospital bed, starring down intensely at her drawing. Silent.
Mulder walked over to her leaving his partner by the door.
She made no response, not looking up.
"My name is Fox. I was hoping we could talk. Is that OK with you?"
She shrugged. Mulder glanced over at Scully. He'd wanted her to do the talking, saying he was terrible with children; but one look from Scully made him remember and want to find that famous hole in the ground.
Poor little Laura had been found wondering around the streets a mile away from her home in the middle of the night. When the police found out her name and address they'd gone round to her house to inform her parents, only to find the house empty.
Scully looked sadly at the lost little child. Her own 'daughter' may have been dead for two months - and she may have only known her for such a short time - but it had still changed her. The only thing she wanted to do was kick this little child up and h old her until she help safe again.
Laura didn't look anything like Emily. Her hair was brown instead of blond and she was at least three years older than Emily was, but her motherly instinct still kicked in at the sight of this shy, frightened thing.
"What are you coloring?" Mulder gave chit-chat a try.
She shrugged a little.
"Laura, can you tell me what happened last night?"
"I don't remember."
"Do you remember being at home last night?"
She muttered "uh huh" while continuing with her drawing.
"I watched TV with daddy."
The image of her and Emily watching cartoons in her hospital room came back to her. Her little brow had been covered in sweat, but she didn't even seem to care. She'd had to live with her illness all her life; she'd got used to it. It was the day before she'd died in the same room, without even having a chance to know her mother.
She could have taken care of her, if she'd only been given the chance.
When she looked at this innocent little girl she saw the danger that she was going to be alone in the world. She'd known a little girl like that not long ago. With no where to call home and no one to love or trust. Hardly a future.
Scully couldn't stand it anymore.
"Mulder..." she said quietly. He looked round at her.
"There was a bright light outside." Laura told as she looked at Mulder.
He turned to her again, a shocked look on his face. Scully, unable to stand this, stumbled out the door without a word.
Outside she leaned back against the wall and breathed heavily until the floor seemed to stand firmly underneath her again. She ran her fingers through her hair, looking down at the floor as she tried to block the images of Emily out of her mind. She could see her in her mind's eyes smiling up at Mulder as he tried to make her laugh. She remembered how she'd just wanted to pick her up at that moment and take her home.
But she hadn't.
She was dead.
Scully breathed out again, using all the willpower on not crying. She wouldn't let Mulder see her with tearstains, definitely not while they were working. It was unprofessional, and uncharacteristic. She wouldn't let Mulder see how much it was affecting her.
She tore her stare away from the floor and looked up.
Maybe for a knight to come and save her.
She didn't see one.
She found an angel.
Scully looked up and found herself gazing into the most comforting and understanding eyes she'd ever seen. Something deep inside her moved.
She tore herself away, embarrassed, though still looked over the owner of the eyes. He stood on the other side if the hall, though she hadn't noticed him when she'd come out or heard anyone come down the hall afterwards.
"I must be really out of it," she thought.
The man smiled gently at her, still just standing there, watching her. He wore a long black coat, and was considerably taller than her. It took her a little while longer than usual to get a little suspicious of why he was watching her.
"Can I help you?" she walked a few steps toward him.
'Interesting response' she thought. A thought crossed her.
"Are you here to see Laura Holden?"
"I might. Why, does she need a visitor?"
"Do you know her?" she tried, finding it quite difficult to talk to this man.
"Yes. But right now it's not her I'm visiting."
Scully didn't see how it was her business, but she asked anyway, in spite of herself.
"Who are you here to see then?"
He smiled. "You."
She paused. "I don't understand...why? Why do I need a visitor?"
"Are you in despair, Dana?"
It was a sentence he'd said to many times, but it always made them be honest.
Scully's eyes fell. For some reason she felt there wasn't any point in hiding it from this man.
"My daughter died."
"There wasn't anything you could have done."
"I'm a doctor, there must have been something..." she ran out of words.
"Is that what's haunting you? Your guilt that you feel didn't do enough?"
"Then you believe that she's safe?"
"I don't know." she whispered the words. "Maybe what I want is for someone to say I get a second chance. To be able to be her mother again, and do a better job. I was raised catholic..."
The man stepped closer to her as if he were about to share a secret. "Are you close to God?"
"I..." she tried, feeling small tears in her eyes. Scully suddenly realized just how crazy she was being. Telling a complete stranger about her deepest feelings that she didn't even dare tell Mulder. 'Any second now this guy is going to say something that will REALLY freak you out.' she thought.
The man smiled. "You have nothing to be afraid of. My name is Seth. The last thing I want to do is scare you."
"How are you doing this? Why are you here?"
"Because...God wants you to know that your daughter is happy now. That she looks down on you and knows that you were her mother."
Dana felt tears in her eyes and looked down. "I don't know if I can believe that..."
"He also wants you to know that He is always with you. You just have to believe it." Seth stepped closer to her, and ever so gently touched her forehead with his. She closed her eyes. And she could have sworn that she heard angels singing.
She soon heard a door open somewhere behind her, and though it seemed like miles away she knew it was Mulder coming to find her. She turned around with a start.
"Scully, what are you doing?"
"I was..." she turned around to face Seth again, but he wasn't there. She looked down the hall both ways. Nothing.
Mulder walked over to her, a hand touching her shoulder. "You OK?"
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." she sounded far away, still wondering how that had happened.
"The little girl, Laura...I don't think she'll be any help. She's either making it up or repressing what happened."
Scully brought herself back enough to listen to him.
"What makes you think that?"
Mulder took out a piece of paper from his coat. "'Cause she was drawing this all the time. Just now she told me there was someone who took care of her last night. When I asked who it was, she gave me this."
She looked down at the drawing. An angel was carefully drawn, it's wings held high. There were two odd things about it. One was that it wore black instead of the usual white. A long black coat, it could easily be. The other was its eyes. Those eyes...
Laura had managed to draw them exactly, so that she could once again loose herself in them. Seth.
Scully glanced down the empty hall away again, in hope of seeing him. Still nothing. Because it wasn't possible, was it?
"And fate has led you through it
You do what you have to do
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do.
And I have the sense to recognize
That I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go...
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do.
And I have the sense to recognize
But I don't know how to let you go.
I don't know how to let you go."
--Sarah McLachlan, Do what you have to do
Both songs are available on Sarah McLachlan's amazingly moving and beautiful CD, "Surfacing". I bought it because was reading a lot of Leyla Harrison's fanfiction and she kept quoting her. If I bought that CD without ever hearing of the woman, than you ca n too. One of the best things I ever did in my life.
"Angel" is also on the soundtrack for "City of Angels".
This story is devoted to anyone else out there who wants to believe that when the angels asks Emily what she liked best about life, she said "My real mommy".
I can't be the only one who still misses her. I know I'm not.
Thank you for reading; I hope it was worth it. I ended up crying more than once while writing it. I don't see how you guys can bare to write such sad stuff. Feedback would be appreciated at email@example.com