Title: Shat

Author: Girlie_girl7

Date: 10-02-02

Category: Skinner, baby fic

Rating: PG

Archive: Anywhere

Spoilers: Existence then AU

Disclaimer: Fox owns 'em

Summary: Skinner baby-sits for William or is it the other way around.

~ Shat ~

< Crap! How did I get myself into this, I know they think I'm 'Mister Cool', 'Mister I-can-handle-any situation', which is usually true. I can deal with crooks, and criminals, and even the Viet Cong but now they want me to baby-sit! >

There's a knock at the door. Walter Skinner opens it to find Fox Mulder and Dana Scully standing before him. Mulder is burdened with various baby paraphernalia. Scully holds an infant in her arms, all be it the most precious infant in the world to these two people but an infant none-the-less, a drooling, toddling, jabbering, slobbering, mischievous infant.

< Holy shit! What did I do to deserve this? >

"Hello sir," Mulder says storming into the room. "We really hate to do this to you especially on such short notice but the tickets are non-refundable and Maggie came down with the flu and you know how Scully is about letting Will near a sick person and I know it's an imposition but after the last incident with The Gunman we don't trust them and there is only this old lady in our building but she smells funny so we had to call you." Mulder finally draws a breath.

Skinner shuts the door. "Hello Mulder, and how are you?"

"He's fine." Scully speaks up, "Just a little nervous."

"I can see that." Skinner says with his hands on his jeans covered hips. Mulder piles all the baby things onto Skinner's sofa.

Scully hands Will to Mulder and begins to explain things to Skinner. "Sir, this is his favorite blanket and his duck. When you lay him down give him the duck to chew on, his teeth are coming in and he finds it soothing. Then this bag has diapers, sleepers and wipes in it. The other bag had toys and snacks in it.

< She is really organized. Must be that military upbringing. >

"And I'll put the bottles in your fridge. Heat them in the microwave for 45 seconds. Check it first before you give it to him, microwave wattage's vary." Scully has said all this over her shoulder while placing the bottles in the kitchen and the snacks on the counter.

She comes back out to see a wide-eyed Skinner and a soft-eyed Mulder. She walks over to Mulder who is gently rubbing his chin across the baby's soft hair. "Mulder, he'll be fine. It's only for a few hours and I do want to see the show," she softly says.

Scully then walks over to Skinner. "Sir, you'll do fine. Everything you need is here and we both have our cell phones on us," she says patting his arm. Moving over to Mulder, she peels the baby out of his arms and says, "Come on William, you can visit with our old friend Walter." Scully kisses the baby and hands him to Skinner, then she grabs Mulder's hand, "Come on before you back out." Scully pulls Mulder to the door. "We'll be back as soon as the show is over."

The door slams shut and Skinner is left holding the baby. Skinner turns the child around and stares at him. "Okay Will you be nice and don't give, umm, Uncle Walter any trouble."

Will squirms and wants down. Skinner sets Will down on his feet. The baby grabs Skinner's jeans to steady him self and begins to toddle off toward the couch. "Well at least you're mobile."

Will makes it to the couch and begins to pull his things off it. "Hey, hey! Let me help you." Skinner walks over to unpack the baby gear. Once it's all unpacked and everything is revealed to Will, he walks off. "Wait! I thought you wanted something?" Skinner says rubbing his hand over his brow.

Will is wearing bulky white baby shoes with tiny bells on them. He jingles as he toddles over to Skinner's bookshelf and begins pulling books out.

"No, no, not the books!" Skinner frowns. "Unless you can read." He pauses in thought, "No not even with the intellectual parents you've got, you can't possibly read."

Will begins to chew on the spine of a trashy suspense novel. "Oh so you're hungry?" He takes Will by the hand and they slowly head for the kitchen.

"Your mom left you some food." Skinner opens the ziplock bag, grabs a small bowl out of the cupboard and pours some Cheerios into it. A clatter is heard. He turns around just as Will is pulling out Skinner's pots and pans.

"Will!" Come on buddy, get out of there." Skinner picks up the baby and bends down to put the pots and pans back in the cupboard stopping to study one lid, "I was wondering where that got to. Thanks Will."

Skinner is carrying Will around the tummy, facing away from him. He sets the baby on the counter to give him his cereal only to discover he has grabbed a kitchen towel from somewhere and is trying to stuff it into his mouth. "Will! No, no!" Skinner grabs the towel and hands the bowl of cereal to him. Will grabs a handful of cereal and crams it into his mouth. He then breaks out into a big grin, banging his foot against the counter.

Skinner smiles back at him. "You sure are a cute kid. Must be your mothers genes, not that your dad isn't good looking in a rugged sort of way but your mom is stunning and why am I confessing this to you?" Skinner laughs causing Will to look up at him and laugh too, he swings his hands hitting the bowl. Cereal is momentarily suspended in the air before falling to the kitchen floor.

Will looks down at the mess and softly utters, "Uh oh."

Skinner starts to laugh. "Uh oh is right kid." He sets the baby down to pick up the mess. Will begins to crawl around the room eating cereal of the floor. "Will! No, no!"

Will repeats, "No, no," but continues to eat off the floor. Skinner gets the last of the cereal cleaned up. "You must take after your father. . .Will, Will?" The baby is no where to be found.

"Oh hell." Skinner mumbles, "I'm to old for this shit." He crawls off the floor and tugs up his sweatshirt sleeves. He scans the living room, but no Will. He hears the sound of water being splashed and races to the bathroom to find Will up to his elbows in the toilet bowl. Skinner grits his teeth, "Dammit why didn't I put that lid down."

"No, no, Will!" Skinner grabs the baby under the arms and plops him on the counter. "No, no!" Will repeats. "You hear that a lot huh kid." Skinner smiles at him while he washes Will's hands with soap and water. He looks down to see Will has stuck one tiny white shoe under the running water. "Oh damn, Will!" He grabs the baby's foot and swings him around just as Will sneezes and blows bits of cereal all over Skinner. "Shit!" Skinner says.

"Shat!" Will repeats.

"Oh no, no Will! Don't say that!"

"No, no, shat!" Will repeats.

Skinner unties and pulls the baby's shoes off then peels off the tiny blue socks. Will wiggles his toes and babbles. "You like your shoes off." Skinner chuckles, "Me too."

He finishes drying Will's hands and feet and the slobber from his chin and the cereal from his own bald, head. He carries Will out of the bathroom and shuts the door.

Skinner places Will on the couch and digs a pair of socks out of the bag. He tips Will back on the couch and begins to shove the socks onto Will's feet, then he wrinkles his nose, "What the…" he sniffs. "Is that you?"

Skinner holds Will with one hand on his tummy while he digs through the bag and pulls out a fresh diaper and the packet of wipes. "Oh no, not without something covering my couch," he mumbles, lifting the baby up and placing a white cloth he found in the bag under him. He lays him back down. Will grabs his dry socks and promptly pulls them off. Skinner retrieves the socks from Will's mouth. He then removes the light blue cotton pants Will is clad in. Next comes the foulest diaper Skinner has ever smelled. "Good grief! If this is what Cheerios does to you, I'm not eating them."

Will chews on his fingers while Skinner cleans him up, he replaces the soiled diaper with a clean one and sets the baby up on the couch. Will picks at the pattern on the fabric and drools all over the cushion.

Skinner is perplexed, he needs to dispose of the diaper but he can't leave the kid alone on the couch. "How does your mother do this?" He grabs Will and carries him sideways on his hip as he heads to the kitchen and places the diaper in the trash.

Skinner walks back to the living room and sets Will on the floor. The baby crawls to the coffee table and pulls himself up. Skinner turns on the TV and begins cleaning up the mess on the couch. The TV program ends and a commercial comes on with a loud jingle in the background. Will begins to bounce up and down, patting the top of the coffee table and trying to sing along. Skinner is caught up in a fit of laugher and Will laughs right along with him. He then loses his balance and falls on his butt, rolling over on his side. "Uh oh," he says. Skinner helps him up and gives him his duck to play with.

Just then the phone rings. Skinner gets up from the couch to answer it. He needs to find a pencil and paper so he heads to the kitchen. He picks the phone back up to listen for the name and address he needs when he suddenly realizes a third party is on the phone breathing heavily and muttering, "Ma, ma, ma."

"Hold on Collins, I'll be right back." Skinner races to the bedroom to find Will talking to Collins on the extension.

"No, no, Will!" Skinner chastises the baby.

Will frowns, "No, no, shat!"

"Come on kid." Skinner grabs Will and heads back to the phone. He sets Will on the floor in front of him while he writes down the information he needs. "Thanks Collins. Oh that, I'm baby-sitting Mulder's kid." Skinner listens to the agent on the other end. "Yeah, yeah it is spooky. Good bye."

Will is sitting at Skinner's feet rubbing his nose. Skinner grabs the little boy up and heads for the kitchen. "You getting sleepy Will?"

The baby lays his head on Skinner's chest. Skinner pulls the fridge door open and grabs a bottle. He puts it in the microwave and hits start. Forty-five seconds later he pops the door open and tests the bottle. Will's thumb is in his mouth and he is rubbing the hair over his ear with the other hand. Skinner holds up the bottle with Will opening his mouth like a baby bird waiting for a worm. Skinner stuffs the bottle into his mouth and walks back into the living room, sitting down in his easy chair.

The television is now broadcasting the nightly news. Skinner reclines back into the chair. Will drinks from the bottle and slowly drifts off to sleep. The bottle falls from the baby's hand and hits the floor with a thud.

Skinner spreads the baby blanket on the floor and lays Will on it. The baby's eyes pop open but then slowly close again. Skinner heads for the kitchen and makes himself a sandwich and grabs a Coke. He walks back to the living room to find Will still asleep, softly snoring, curled up on his blanket. Skinner grabs a bath towel from the closet and covers the little boy with it.

The news runs into a sitcom that runs into a drama. Skinner hears a soft cry and sees Will trying to raise himself up on his hands with a confused look on his face. He obviously doesn't recognize his surroundings. Before Skinner can get to him he begins to wail.

He grabs him up. "Hey Will, remember me, it's Uncle Walter."

Will stops his crying and looks around the room and then sticks out his full bottom lip and begins to really cuts loose. Skinner bounces the baby. "Aw come on Will, don't cry." He holds the baby close to him and just when all looks lost he remembers the toys. He takes Will to the couch and stands him in front of the toys. Will seems to recognize his things and stops crying. He begins to pick out what he wants to play with.

Skinner quickly sneaks into the kitchen to grab another sandwich and drink. He turns to find Will standing in the doorway. His cheeks are red and chapped from the crying and his nose is running. Skinner takes pity on the little guy and cleans his face with his handkerchief. He picks up his plate and can in one hand, and carries it and Will into the living room.

He sets the snack down next to him and plops down in the chair, pulling the footrest up. Will's snuggled up next to Skinner in the chair. The A.D. grabs the tv remote control and puts on a baseball game. He brings the sandwich to his lips only to find Will trying to eat it too. "You wanna bite?" He pulls off a little piece of the bread that Will eagerly accepts.

One sandwich, one Coke and one bottle of juice later both Will and Walter, are intently watching the ballgame. Well, Walter is watching the game and William is watching Walter. Each time Skinner disagrees with a call Will is delighted. He finds Skinners use of a certain verb interesting.

A knock is heard. "It's open, come on in," Skinner yells. In walks a relieved looking Mulder and a content looking Scully.

"How was the show?" Skinner asks never taking his eyes off the television.

"It was wonderful," Scully replies.

Just then the runner is thrown out at home plate. Skinner clamps his eyes shut and groans. Will belts out, "Shat!"

The room gets deathly quite, Skinner turns green and no one breaths. Suddenly Mulder loses it and begins to laugh hysterically. Scully goes from shocked to smiling to laughing along with him. Skinner then turns from green to red and scrunches down in the chair. Will laughs right along with his mother and father.

Mulder wipes away a tear as another chuckle bubbles up from his chest. "Come here Will," Mulder says with a crackle in his voice. He takes the baby from Skinner.

Skinner puts the footrest down and slowly draws up his six-foot tall frame. He runs one hand over his head while the other is firmly planted on his hip. "I, ah, I don't know what to say."

"Apparently you do sir," Mulder laughs.

Scully grabs Mulder by the arm and whispers, "Mulder stop it." She goes to the couch and packs up Will's things, handing Mulder the blanket to wrap around the baby she says, "Thank you sir for watching him."

"It was my pleasure." Skinner clears his throat and nervously looks down at his feet.

Scully slings the bag over her shoulder and opens the door. "Ready?"

Suddenly Will realizes he's about to leave. He puckers up and begins to bawl. He trusts out his hands to Skinner. Now Mulder doesn't think it's so funny.

"No William you need to go home," Scully says as she kisses the baby. "Skinner needs his rest." Will isn't buying any of it, he's still bawling.

"We better get going," Mulder says with a confused look on his face. "Thanks again sir."

Skinner closes the door and sits back down in his chair. Suddenly he jumps back up and races to the door. He pulls it open and yells to Mulder and Scully just as the elevator door opens, "I'm free next weekend if you need a sitter."


~ The End ~

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