TITLE: Our Princess
AUTHOR: Debbie Cullen
Date: Jun 27, 2001
SUMMARY: Scully has died and Mulder is left to raise their daughter alone.
FEEDBACK: Please!! I appreciate all feedback - for or against. firstname.lastname@example.org
DISCLAIMER: Anything X-files that I may have used do not belong to me. They belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions as well, of course, as David and Gillian who bring Mulder and Scully to life so vividly every week.
Notes: In addition, the words to "Butterfly Kisses" (by Bob Carlisle) do not belong to me either. I just borrowed them because they seemed to fit in her just perfectly.
She knew as soon as she saw the look on his face as he came out of the room, that her daughter was gone.
Maggie went over, put her arms around him, and held him while he cried. She cried oceans as well. Her youngest daughter was gone and, frankly, it hurt like hell.
She finally managed to get her tears under control by telling herself that Dana wasn't suffering anymore. She had suffered so for the last few weeks. At least she had been happy. She had Fox and that adorable little baby girl. If she hadn't had Tamara, she might have been around longer ...
She had to stop this! That is what Dana wanted!
When she looks up, she sees Bill coming down the hall. She can tell by the look in his eyes that he knows his sister is gone. He is also angry when he sees her comforting Mulder. She gives him one look that tells him he'd better not start anything. He goes into the waiting room.
When she looks back at Fox, he has stopped crying. Well at least there's no more tears. His heart and soul will cry for a long time to come - maybe forever.
"How do I go on without her?" he asks sadly.
"You have to, Fox. Your daughter needs you," Maggie says.
"I know. She meant the world to Scully. I have to live up to the trust that she had in me."
"She loved you with all her heart, Fox. Having your child meant everything to her. She gave it everything she had. This way she knew you wouldn't be alone."
"Maggie, I'm going to go and pick up Tamara and go home."
She puts her hand on his arm to stop him. "Why don't you stay at my place for a few days."
"I think we should go home. I don't want to cause any more problems for you. You've already been so good to both of us."
"You listen to me, Fox. You are family to me and Tamara is my granddaughter. I need both of you right now."
"I know, but you son can't..."
Maggie cuts him off. "Don't you worry about Bill. I'll handle him. I'm not about to lose you or my granddaughter because he can't behave himself! Please ... stay!"
"Okay, if you're sure, but I've got to go. I need to be with my daughter."
"I understand. I'll be home soon," she tells him as she reaches up and gives him a kiss on the cheek.
He hugs her tightly and then leaves the hospital.
When he gets to Maggie's house, he pays the babysitter, Kelly. She is the daughter of Maggie's neighbor.
Once he is alone in the house, he goes upstairs to check on Tamara. She is sleeping peacefully in her crib.
He reaches into the crib and gently caresses her rosy cheek. <You are definitely an angel. I love you so much and so does your mama. I hope I will be able to relay to you how much your mama loved you. I'd give anything for you to be able to know her. I hope I do you right. She was sure I could do it, but I have to admit I'm no so sure. Hopefully with your grandmother's help, we'll do all right.>
Right then, Tamara opened her eyes and cooed at him. Then she reaches her arms up to him. She reaches into the crib and scoops her up in his arms. He cuddles her to his chest. When he looks down at her, she is looking up at him with her brilliant blue eyes - Scully's eyes. That was all he could take. The tears started to flow again.
When there were not more tears to shed, he took his daughter into the other room, lay down with her cuddled to his chest, and fell asleep with her.
When Maggie came home, a couple of hours later, that is how she found them - asleep together in Dana's old room.
She got a blanket and put it over them. She then went to her own room and went to bed.
MAGGIE SCULLY'S RESIDENCE
Six Months Later
Maggie is in her kitchen putting the finishing touches on a birthday cake with a big multicolored clown on the top when she hears the doorbell ring.
She goes and opens the door. It's Fox and Tamara. The baby is wearing a beautiful pale green lacy party dress, white rumba leotards and black paten leather shoes.
As soon as she sees Maggie, she coos, "GamGam," and reaches out to her. Maggie takes her and steps back out of the door and Fox comes inside. She immediately sees how hard this is on Fox.
She bends down and puts Tamara down. "Why don't you go upstairs and show Auntie Tara you pretty party dress okay?"
She shakes her head up and down as she heads for the stairs.
Maggie takes Fox's arm and leads him into the living room. They both sit on the couch.
"How are you doing, Fox?"
"Today is really difficult. The outfit she's wearing, Scully bought just after Tamara was born. She made me promise that I'd put it on her for her first birthday. I almost couldn't do it."
"You and that baby meant everything to Dana. You're doing a really good job with her."
"Thank you, but you've had an awful lot to do with how she's turning out too ... Maggie am I crazy or does she look more and more like Dana all the time?"
"She really does Fox. Those red curls and sparkling blue eyes are so much like my Dana. You notice how much she looks like her Mom, imagine how I feel. I remember Dana at that age."
Trying to break the tension a little before they both start to cry, Mulder says, "At least she had the good sense to take after her mother's side of the family."
"You know, if Dana were here, she might disagree with you."
"Yeah. She's the only one who'd feel that way." He has big tears in his eyes.
Just then, Tamara comes running into the room.
"DaDa," she says as she runs over to him and tries to climb into his lap. Mulder reaches down and pulls her up. She cuddles right up to him. He's never happier than when he's with his daughter.
Four Years Later
Tamara comes running into Mulder's room. He's still sound asleep. She goes over and starts shaking him.
"Daddy, Daddy. Come on. This is my first day of school. We have to get ready. I don't want to be late!"
He finally stirs and opens his eyes. He can tell how excited she is.
"Okay, you go and get your cereal. I'll get in the shower," he tells her.
"Okay, Daddy," she says as she runs out of the room.
Tamara is just finishing her cereal when Mulder comes out to the kitchen.
"You better go and get dressed, Princess."
"Okay," she says as she comes over and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. "I won't be long. I laid my clothes out last night."
"About fifteen minutes later Tamara comes back out in her favorite denim jumper, white blouse, white knee socks and denim running shoes. She has two blue hair ribbons in one hand and her brush in the other.
"Will you fix my hair, please, Daddy?"
"Sure," he says as he takes her brush. It took him a while to get the hang of this, but he'd finally pretty much mastered it.
She wanted her hair in pigtails, tied with the blue hair ribbons.
"Thank you, Daddy ... can I ask you something?" she says as she looks up at him.
He crouches down in front of her. "Of course you can - anything."
"Do you think I'm smart enough to be a doctor like my Mama?"
Just hearing Tamara mention Scully brings tears to his eyes. He throws his arms around and says, "I know you are!"
"I think that's what I'm going to be then, a ... a ... what was it called again?"
"A forensic pathologist."
"Yeah, that's what I'm going to be."
He gets tears in his eyes again. "She'd be so proud of you, princess."
Tamara notices the tears in his eyes. "Daddy, are you sad because you still miss Mama?"
"I'll always miss your Mama. I loved her very much, in fact, I still do. Tamara, I don't want you to ever think that your Mama isn't with you because she didn't love you. She loved you with all of her heart."
"I know, Grammy told me that she got very sick."
"You should listen to your Grammy. She's very smart."
He stands up and takes her hand. "Well, let's get you to school."
She grabs her backpack and they walk out of the apartment.
MAGGIE SCULLY'S RESIDENCE
Tamara's 15th Birthday
When she was finished school for the day, Tamara headed to her Gram's house. Her Dad was going to meet her there. He'd bought her the CD player that she'd asked for, but he said that he had another present he'd give to her tonight. She was really curious what it was. He got all misty-eyed when he talked about it. That usually only happened when he was thinking about her Mama. Sometimes he actually cried.
When she arrived at the house, she went around to the back door. She knew her Gram would be in the kitchen preparing dinner. She opened the door and stepped into the kitchen.
Sure enough, there was her Gram, tending to her pot roast - one of Tamara's favorites.
"Hi, Gram," she says happily.
"Hi, honey. How was your day?"
"It was okay ... Gram do you have any idea what this 'special' present Dad wants to give me tonight is?"
"Actually, I think I do, but I can't tell you. He's looking so forward to it."
"Okay, okay. I guess I'll just have to wait."
"Would you mind setting the table for me sweetheart?"
"No problem, Gram. Are Aunt Tara and Uncle Bill coming tonight?"
"They called and said to wish you a happy birthday, but Uncle Bill has come down with a bad case of the flu."
Tamara's almost relieved. It seems every time Uncle Bill and her Dad are in the same room, the tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife. She goes into the dining room to set the table.
A few minutes later, she hears her father's voice, so she comes back into the kitchen.
"Hi, Dad," she says as she reaches up and to give him a kiss.
"So where's my present? I can't wait anymore. You've had me wondering ALL day."
"Sit down for a minute, Tamara," he says.
"Dad, why are you so serious?"
"Because this is serious. What I have for you belonged to your Mama. It was put away for you, the day she died. It was given to her by her Mom," he says, tears trying desperately to escape. They both glance to Maggie. "It was given to her on her fifteenth birthday. She specifically asked that it be given to you on your fifteenth birthday too."
He takes a small box out of his pocket, opens it and shows it to her. It is a beautiful gold cross on a gold chain. Tamara sits there for a moment just looking at it.
Mulder takes it out of the box and puts it around his daughter's neck.
He leans close to her ear and whispers, "Just remember this was very special to your Mama and she wanted you to have it."
"I will. I promise," she replies.
3 Years Later
Mulder is sitting in the living room watching television. He hears the front door open and Tamara scream, "Daddy, Daddy, you'll never guess!"
She comes running into the room. He can't ever remember her looking so happy and excited.
"Well, tell me what happened, Princess!"
"Brad ... he ...Brad ..." Deciding she's never going to get the words out, she extends her left hand towards her father. There he sees a 1/4 karat diamond solitaire on her finger.
He just looks up at his daughter and spurts, "He asked me to marry him! I can hardly believe it! Isn't it wonderful?"
He throws his arms around her and tells her how happy he is for her.
18 Months Later
"Fox, are you okay?" Maggie asks.
"I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I just suddenly feel very alone."
"It's going to take some time for you to adjust. Your whole world has turned around that girl for a very long time. Take some time and you'll be okay."
"Yeah, I guess. (pause) Wasn't she beautiful, Maggie?"
"She certainly was!"
"She looks just like her Mama, doesn't she?" he says as he feels the tears start to build.
"She certainly does, Fox."
With that he turns and head outside to his car. He manages to hold his tears until he's actually in his car.
Once he gets in the car, the tears flow freely. After several minutes, he flips the radio on. As he hears the words to the song, he begins to reminisce about his daughter.
There are two things I know for sure, She was sent from heaven, and she's Daddy's little girl Tamara is definitely an angel, but then so was her Mama. Scully, Tamara reminds me a lot of you. She's certainly every bit as stubborn and tenacious as you ever were.
I'm very proud to say that our daughter really is 'daddy's little girl.' At age 7, she still crawled into my lap every night for hugs and kisses before she went to bed at night. I sometimes wonder if she would be as much of a 'daddy's girl' if her Mama were around.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night, she talks to Jesus and I close my eyes, And thank God for all the joy in my life.
Every night when I take her to her room to tuck her into bed, she has a little talk with Jesus.
Scully, I honestly never taught her to do it. She just seemed to feel it was the right thing to do. You'd be so proud of her, Scully.
She always tells Jesus to bless her Daddy, her Grammy and to please let her Mama watch over her. One night she even told him that she knew her Mama was in heaven because her Daddy wouldn't have loved her so much unless she was an angel. That just broke my heart.
Usually while Tamara is saying her prayers, I close my eyes and say a little prayer of my own. I thank God (and you Scully) for my daughter. She has brought so much joy to my life. Scully, I also thank God each and every day for having known you and loved you, but most of all for you having loved me.
I still look to you for guidance from time to time. When I am unsure of my thoughts and/or reactions, I will think of what you would have said and/or done. It has gotten me through many difficult decisions.
But most of all for Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayers Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair.
They says that it's the little things you remember. One of the biggest pleasures in my life is thinking about those sweet little kisses that she used to plant on my cheek after she'd said her prayers every night.
She's always been very much like you, Scully. She loves special occasions and family gatherings. I'm afraid I haven't changed much in that area. I try for Tamara's sake, but if it hadn't been for your Mother, I'm sure I would have fallen short in our daughter's eyes. I'm afraid special occasions and family gatherings just remind me ten-fold that you are gone.
She used to love getting dressed up. She'd get her Gram to put her hair up and put those little white flowers (I think they're called 'Baby's Breath') in her hair.
She looks more and more like you all the time, Scully. Her hair is getting longer - almost to her waist. It makes me wonder what you would look like with long hair. Damn sexy would be my guess! But then everything about you was sexy, if you ask me! Now there's somewhere I definitely can't go without driving myself crazy.
Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride, I know the cake looks funny Daddy, but I sure tried.
She was only three years old when she had her first pony ride. She wanted a ride so badly. She tried to act brave, but when they picked her up and put her on that horse, she was terror-struck. She begged me to hold her hand so she wouldn't fall. What she didn't realize was I felt better holding her hand. At least that way I knew I could prevent her from getting hurt.
Scully, you would have been so proud of her. She was only eight years old when she tried to make me a birthday cake. Her heart was in the right place. The cake was terribly lopsided. She tried to fix it by putting more icing on one side. It worked - for a while, but eventually all that extra icing kind of slid right off. She was heartbroken. I felt so bad for her -she had worked so hard.
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right, To deserve a hug every morning and butterfly kisses at night.
I know I've done a lot of things wrong in my life. I wasted so much time before I could even admit to myself how much I loved you Scully. I really regret wasting so much time. You and I could have had so much more time together.
When you first told me that you had decided to proceed with the pregnancy, I was devastated. We knew the cancer was back and the doctor told you that going ahead would almost certainly shorten your life. You said that having this baby was far more important to you. I was angry for a while - angry that it was you and not me. I tried to change your mind - you know I did. I just couldn't bare to face living without you. You were so determined. You always told me that one day I would realized you'd made the right choice.
I miss you Scully every day of my life, but I think I finally understand what you meant. You knew there was no guarantee that treatment would make any difference. You knew that if you had Tamara at least I would not be left alone. You knew I'd fall apart if I was left alone. You always knew that leaving me Tamara, I would make myself go on for our daughter's sake. You knew I couldn't let you down. You actually loved me enough to sacrifice part of your life for the knowledge that I would be okay.
I know I have screwed up so many things in my life, but the one thing I did that I know was right - that was falling in love with you, Scully. Tamara is definitely proof of that. She is the most precious thing in the world to me.
I guess I must have done something right in order to deserve her and her hugs and kisses every day.
Sweet sixteen today She's looking like her Momma a little more every day.
When that sweet baby girl of ours turned sixteen I couldn't believe it. It didn't seem possible that you had been gone that long. Maybe part of that was because looking at her, is almost like looking at you.
She was so beautiful. She looks more and more like you every day.
Her hair was almost down to her waist. I wonder what you would have looked like with long hair. Not that you weren't perfect the way you were. You certainly were perfect to me.
Tamara's electric blue eyes are absolutely gorgeous. When she was a baby everyone told me that all baby's eyes are blue, that they'd probably chance later. I'm so glad they didn't. Sometimes when she looks at me, I could almost swear that I was looking into your eyes.
One part woman, the other part girl To perfume and makeup from ribbons and curls Trying her wings out in a great big world.
Tamara is so grown up now. I miss the days when she was still my little princess.
I am very proud of her. She has always been very open with me. We've always talked about everything. She told me about her first crush as well as her first boyfriend.
There have been times when this was really hard for me, but, at least I hope, I've been able to help her when she needed it.
Everyday our little girl is becoming more and more independent. Sometimes I think she's moving away from me. I think she senses it because when I feel my worst is usually when she'll put her arms around me and say, "I love you Daddy."
But I remember Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayers Stickin' little white flowers all up in her hair
You know how much I love you Daddy, but if you don't mind I'm only going to kiss you on the cheek this time.
When her friends are around, she tells me that she still loves me but she's only going to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. She doesn't want to give them any reason to tease her.
I definitely think we are closer because you are not around, Scully. Believe me I am not saying I am happy about that, but it has definitely drawn us closer.
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses at night
Scully, as long as you've known me, I continually screw up. I know I never deserved your love and I'm not sure I deserve Tamara's either, but I thank God every day that you both chose to love me.
I guess somewhere along the line I must have done something right. Our daughter still seems to love me unconditionally.
When we are alone she'll still usually plant those feathery little kisses all over my cheek, just like when she was little. Sometimes she even still lets me call her princess.
All the precious time ... Like the wind the years go by Precious butterfly ... spread your wings and fly.
The years go by so quickly, Scully. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday that our darling daughter was born.
From time to time she talks about getting a place of her own. I know she needs to test her independence, but I find it SO hard to let go. It's almost like letting you go again, Scully. It really hurts.
She'll change her name today She'll make a promise and I'll give her away
Scully, can you believe it? Our baby is getting married. You'd be so proud of her. She wants to become a doctor like you. She's even shown an interest in the FBI. Wouldn't that be something?
The man she's going to marry is really nice. His name is Brad. I'm sure you must have already known how nice he was, eh? You know me, I'd never let him marry our baby unless he was pretty special.
I miss you everyday of my life, but I think today is the worst. I need you to help me through this day. I need your strength. I still love you, Scully, every bit as much as I did when I last saw you.
People told me that time would change all that. It didn't. It helped ease the pain, but it never changed how I feel about you.
I had to give our baby to another man today. That is definitely the most difficult thing I've ever had to do - except for saying goodbye to you, of course.
Standing in the bride room just staring at her She asked me what I'm thinking and I say, "I'm not sure I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl"
I stand here looking at a vision. That vision is our daughter in her wedding gown. The only thing that could possibly have been any more beautiful would have been to have seen you in a wedding gown. I'm sorry that we weren't able to get married. I hope you know it's not because I didn't want to. I would have been SO proud (and happy!) to have you as my wife.
Tamara saw the tears in my eyes and asked me what was wrong. I couldn't really tell her, so I said that I felt like I was losing her.
She is so intuitive, just like you Scully. She can read me like a book. She knew how hard this was for me.
Then she leaned over and gave me ... Butterfly kisses with her Mama there, stickin' little flowers all up in her hair
She leaned over, hugged me and then planted those feathery little kisses all over my cheek - just like when she was little.
I watched your Mom putting beautiful flowers in her hair. You should have been doing that for her. It's so unfair! Scully, I always miss you, but at times like this, it's almost unbearable! You would be SO proud of her!
Walk me down the aisle, Daddy, it's just about time Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy don't cry
Well, Scully, walking our daughter down the aisle was probably the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. The only moment that was any more difficult for me was when I had to say goodbye to you.
Tamara asked me if her wedding gown looked pretty. I was so dazzled by her beauty that I barely even noticed her dress. She's the spitting image of her Mama. Scully, she is SO beautiful!
Well, then the tears started to flow. Tamara told me not to cry, but I can't help it. She's so beautiful and this is so hard for me.
Oh, with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right To deserve her love every morning and butterfly kisses ...
I couldn't ask God for more Man, this is what love is I know I've gotta let her go, but I'll always remember Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses ...
I could never ask God for anything more. I've had far more than I deserve in this life. You loved me, Scully, and I often wonder why. You deserved a lot better than my sorry ass.
Tamara is nothing short of an angel. She has always loved me unconditionally, even when I didn't deserve it. There certainly is no denying she's your daughter, Scully.
The two of you are the most wonderful things that ever happened in my life. I know this is what love is.
I know I have to let her go. Let her spread her wings and fly, but I'll never forget her hugs and kisses and how wonderful it was to have her for my daughter. Thank you for that Scully. You made a large sacrifice in order for me to have Tamara. I will never be able to thank you for that. Without her, I would never have survived.
I know now Scully what you meant when you told me that Tamara would save me. I love you so much - even after all of this time. Our daughter was the only thing that pulled me through. I had to pull myself out of my grief and depression for HER. You knew that, didn't you? You knew I couldn't let you down, didn't you? You knew me better than I knew myself.
I think I also understand what you meant when you said that were soulmates. I never really understood that term before, but then I'd never had the kind of connection I had with you. I still have. Even though we are not physically together, our souls are never far apart.
I thought life would be unbearable with Tamara out of the house. I miss her terribly, but when I feel really lonely I can feel you close by, reminding me that we will be together again.