Summary: Mulder and Scully separately reflect on their Christmas Eve spent apart.

~~For everyone who lost loved ones on September 11 And for those whose loved ones are bravely fighting for our country This holiday season~~

I flicked on the switch, and the tree was illuminated, the soft glow bringing the Christmas spirit into full focus. Christmas music played in the background, and Will stared at the tree with a smile on his face. It was a very small tree, set up on my coffee table. Christmas was going to be at my mother's house this year, so I didn't need a big tree. In fact, 1993 was the last time Christmas had been at my place; it was always at Mom's or Bill's, so I rarely went to the trouble to get a tree at all. This, however, was Will's first Christmas, and I found that reason enough.

Will...when did I start calling him that? Mulder and I had agreed from day one never to call him Billy, for obvious reasons. I guess Will just evolved on its own. I also liked my pet name for him, Ahab Junior. It didn't make much sense, since William was named after Mulder's father and not mine, but in a way it was fitting. I had likened Mulder to Ahab countless times.

The strains of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" called out from the radio, and I stood up from the couch, dancing around the room with Will. I began to sing along, "All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games." It was only a line in a children's Christmas song, but it made me wistful. Mulder had been the Bureau's Rudolph.

I drove home from work yet again, around 8:00 on Christmas Eve. Then again, I wasn't going home, and I wasn't coming from work. Home was with Scully in Georgetown, and work was the isolated basement office of the X-Files. I suppose there was some good to the fact that I couldn't let Scully, Skinner, or anyone else know where I was, because I would be too ashamed to tell them that I was working in a sketchy everything-store and living in a dumpy, uncared for building. The store was the only place I could find that didn't need me to give references. That should tell you something. What kind of business doesn't ask for references when they hire someone?

Why couldn't I be with Scully, just for Christmas? It didn't seem like too much to ask. I wanted to see her smile and her eyes and her beautiful hair, to hear her voice and feel her arms around me. I would have given anything to see William, to play with him, feed him, or even change his diaper.

It's not as if the Christmas times we had spent together were particularly merry. I still prefer not to think too long about Emily, and I get the creeps when I remember the year those ghosts tricked Scully and I into thinking that we shot each other. This year would have been different, though, if only we could have shared it. I turned the radio on for company.

"Rudolph the red nosed reindeer, you'll go down in history." Will giggled as the song finished and I spun him around.

"Did you like that, sweetie? That's good! But now it's time for bed," I told him, as I slowly carried him to his room, "and do you know what day tomorrow is? Tomorrow is Christmas! We're going to get up bright and early, and go to Grandma's house. And you'll get a lot of presents, from Mommy and Grandma and Uncle Bill and Aunt Tara, and... Santa Claus!" I laid him down in his crib, kissed him goodnight, and wandered back to the living room. I knew that this was going to be a long night, spent thinking about Mulder and wishing that the three of us could just have a nice, old-fashioned family Christmas.

As I sat down on the couch, the voice of Elvis Presley came forth from the speakers, seeming to echo my thoughts. It's strange how songs can sometimes come on at the most appropriate times.

"I'll have a blue Christmas without you I'll be so blue thinking about you."

I remembered that Christmas the first year we worked together. It was the last time I saw my father alive. Mulder and I hadn't known each other for very long, so it was somewhat of an awkward time, but I knew that he wanted to do everything he could for me. He was always that way, trying to help me, even when I shrugged him away. I had grown to welcome his generous nature, and began to look to him for comfort during difficult times.

"Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree,"

Then there was the Christmas four years later, when I met and lost Emily, the only child I then thought I could ever have. She had been so innocent, and was used for experimentation, never knowing the life that a three-year-old should have. I thought back to how difficult that time was, and to how Mulder had somehow shone a ray of light into my life and helped me go on.

After the funeral, we had walked back to his car and driven to my apartment in silence. When we reached my door, he had asked if I wanted him to stay with me.

"I'm sure I'll be fine," I had said, trying to leave all of the emotions out of my voice.

"Are you sure?"

Hearing the concern in his voice and seeing his soul-searching eyes had made me give in and invite him up. Mulder and I spent a good portion of the night talking about everything and nothing, and when my lips became too tired to move, he held me in the safe haven of his arms until I fell asleep. That was the saddest Christmas I had ever experienced... but this year's was coming close.

The radio was playing some sort of sappy Christmas dedication show. It wasn't the kind of thing I usually listened to, but I didn't have the energy to change the station. The DJ was talking with a guy who had to be away on business for Christmas, with a wife and two young children waiting for him at home.

"Shut up!" I demanded. "At least you'll get to see them again in a week!"

As if the man had heard me, he stopped talking, and the DJ played his request.

"I'll be home for Christmas
You can count on me."

I wanted to be home for Christmas, not here in...wherever this was. The town was probably too small to have a name. I couldn't stand the thought of my Scully putting Will to bed and spending the rest of Christmas Eve alone. I needed to be with her, the two of us staying up late wrapping gifts and writing "From Santa" on the tags, even if Will was too young to read and wouldn't know the difference. It was my son's first Christmas, and I wasn't going to be there.

"Please have snow and mistletoe,"

Christmas is a time to spend with people you love, with your family. Well, the family with whom I had grown up was dead, and I wasn't allowed to see my new family. This was really getting pathetic, I needed to stop this flood of self-pity.

"Won't mean a thing if you're not here with me."

Christmas the year after Emily hadn't been as tragic, but it was very unsettling, to say the least. I actually thought Mulder had shot me and that I was dying, and he apparently thought the same about me. When I couldn't sleep, I went to see what Mulder was up to, and couldn't believe that his plans for Christmas Day consisted of spending the day alone, watching Christmas movies on TV, and eating whatever happened to be in his kitchen.

After we exchanged gifts, I took him back to Mom's house for a festive day and a good meal. One the way home, he said, "I don't know how I would ever be able to have Christmas without you, Scully." Well, this year he would have to. And I would have to be without him.

"I'll have a blue Christmas, that's certain"

Then there was 1999. Mulder and I didn't spend that Christmas together, but we did share each other's company as the clock struck midnight on New Year's Eve. That was when we kissed for the first time. I had wanted it to happen for so long, but the time was hardly ever right, and when it was, something always had to interfere, like Eddie VanBlundHt or that damn bee. But as the year 2000 made its grand entrance, as Mulder and I watched Dick Clark count down the seconds on the hospital TV, everything seemed to fall into place, and we both knew the time had come. Not only did the world not end, it seemed to completely disappear for those few seconds. This New Year's Eve, I knew, would be quite different. Monica had invited me to go with her to a party that one of her friends was hosting, but I wasn't sure what I would do. I pushed the thought away, knowing that I would first have to survive Christmas.

"And when that blue heartache starts hurtin'"

Last Christmas was spent in a way very similar to this one. I hadn't known where Mulder was, or even if he was alive. I had drifted through the day like a robot, trying to act enthused as I opened gifts from my family. He had been gone for so long, and when we found him, he was dead...and then by some miracle he came back to me, but had to leave again so soon...and here was Christmas again, alone without Mulder. At least this year, I was almost positive that he was alive and on this planet.

"And presents on the tree."

There wouldn't be any presents on my tree. I didn't even have a tree. There wasn't anybody for me to buy presents for. All I had were memories of sad, scary Christmases that were made brighter by Scully, and dreams of a new one filled with love and joy. Her tree, I was sure, would be overrun with presents for everyone in her happy family, and I could only hope that she would be able to enjoy herself. I could just hear Bill now, making rude comments about Will's father not being there for his first Christmas. Did he think it was anything I could control? That I wouldn't sell my soul to see them for just one more day? I reminded myself to calm down, that there was no use getting mad at someone who wasn't even there. I sighed at this bleak picture of Christmas.

"You'll be doing all right
With your Christmas of white,"

Was Mulder doing all right? I hoped he was. I wondered if he was having a white Christmas. The ground outside my apartment had some small remnants of the one snowy day we had had thus far, but I wouldn't classify it as a white Christmas. It was more of an attempt at a white Christmas, just like tomorrow would be my attempt at a merry Christmas. Wherever Mulder was, I hoped that he had made some friends and was having a nice Christmas with them. He deserved it after spending so many disastrous ones with me.

"Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love light gleams."

I turned onto my street, and briefly shut my eyes at the sight of my run-down apartment building, pretending it was Scully's, that I was coming home to her at last. She'd be there in her cute pajamas, waiting up for me, while a tree glowed brightly in her living room. We would talk for a while, and then go to bed, and wake up to the wonderful feeling of Christmas morning with a young child. If only it were true.

"But I'll have a blue, blue Christmas."

"I'll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams."

"We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year."
~Pink Floyd

"Never give up on a miracle."
~Existence

"You may trod me into the dirt, but still like the dust I'll rise."
~Maya Angelou