Title: Breath of Life
Author: Tiffany
Rating: PG
Archive: Sure, but PLEASE let me know about it, preferably beforehand.
Spoilers: General XF Mythology from seasons 1-8, specifically events
dealing with Scully.
Classification: Angst, Scully/Reyes Romance (Slash)
Summary: Dana has a difficult time on Mother's Day, 2002. Monica tries to help her feel better.

Disclaimer: Monica Reyes, Dana Scully, Fox Mulder, and all other X-Files characters mentioned in this story do not belong to me! (I can only dream!) They are property of Chris Carter, 10-13, and FOX.

***Authors Notes: This story takes place in my Universe in which Dana and Monica are romantically involved. There is nothing more than kissing in this story, but if kissing between two females bothers you, then go elsewhere. There is no need to read the other stories to understand this one, but if you want to, I'd be tickled! (They're all on Gossamer (http://krycek.gossamer.org ) under the author's name "Tiffany") More notes will follow the story.***

Today was hard. I don't know if it was what I expected or not, but it was difficult. We didn't work today, seeing as how it was a Sunday. But, knowing Dana, she made sure that she had plenty of case files and reports to shift through.

I remember looking at the calendar last week with increasing dread. Two simple words on this Sunday's square drove a stake through my heart...Mother's Day. I know that it is supposed to be a happy day, a day to send my mom a card, to celebrate the whole idea of motherhood. I remember last year I called my mom, chatted for an hour, then hung up feeling satisfied that I'd fulfilled my daughterly duties. This year my thoughts are on far bigger things than daughterly duty. I would definitely classify the sanity of the love of my life, my soul-mate, as more important than worrying about my own duties.

She didn't want to talk about it. I didn't come right out and ask her what she felt, but I didn't have to. Just a few weeks ago I stood there, watching Dana give up her child. She handed him over, forcing herself to trust the people taking him, trusting them to give him to a loving family, free of conspiracies and danger. That night, my heart truly broke beside hers. Now, on this day of celebration, I have to watch the woman I have fallen in love with fight to hold back tears every time she sees or hears the words "Happy Mother's Day!"

I suppose I'm selfish thinking that at least some good came from what happened. Dana and I are together. She...I...well, our relationship is still fairly new at this point, but she's amazed me beyond belief. She's never been with another woman before. This just...just seemed to happen; it feels right. We went slow, and for that I am actually thankful. Now I know it is not just a physical attraction between the two of us, or an emotional respose on her part to the loss of her son. I know that what we have is truly special.

From the first time I met Dana, I felt it. She was defiant, angry, and relentless...but I didn't let it fool me. She was hurting while Fox Mulder was missing. At the time I think she was fighting within herself about what his part was in her heart. He is the father of the child she was, unbeknowst to me, carrying at the time. She had spent the past seven and a half years with this man. I think she wanted to love him, but couldn't bring herself to truly see him as a lover, as someone she would marry and spend the rest of her life with. The fact that he was missing didn't help. When she ran into me at the hospital, looking at the x-rays, that was when I first felt a real connection. It was brief, but for just a moment she opened up, asking me what my "feelings" were. I could sense her fear as well as her pain.

And now...now she's got me. Us. It's still so hard to believe that someone so wonderful loves me. I mean, don't get me wrong, things haven't been perfect. There's still a lot of baggage, on both our parts, mind you, that we need to sort through. There's the loss of her sister, the loss of Emily, whom I don't know much about, and then there's William. And Mulder, don't forget him. He may not be dead, but he's not coming back, not anytime soon at least. We haven't really discussed much of this at all. That's going to have to change. I really need her to open up. I think she's trying, she's working on it. But she's become so used to not trusting anyone except for Mulder that she has to re-teach herself how to trust again.

I see her sitting over by the window right now, looking out. I can tell she's upset. She's clutching a photo, one of a little girl I can only guess is Emily. I think...I think I need to get her to talk. That's the only way she can heal. This is what a relationship, what love, is about. Give and take, push and pull. I can help her to heal by pushing her to open up. I know that I'm already a better person because of her. She's made me want to be better, to live life to the fullest. I want to do the same for her, but we have to get past all that's holding her back.

Monica slowly walked up behind Dana, feeling her anguish. The little girl in the picture had dirty-blonde hair, beautiful eyes...she looked about 4 years old. There was another picture on the windowsill next to Dana, the one of William taken just before she decided to give him up. Monica remembered when Dana had proudly displayed it on her desk at work. She'd given Monica a copy too. It was in Monica's home, sitting on her nightstand. At the time Monica had told herself that Dana had given her a copy as a friend, and because Monica had delivered William...but now she can't help but wonder.

Slowly raising her arm, Monica placed a hand on Dana's shoulder. "Dana..."

Dana jumped. Turning around, she brushed away the tears that had streaked her cheek. "Yeah?"

Working her hand over the tightened muscles in Dana's upper back, Monica spoke softly. "Why don't you talk about it? You'll feel better." She nodded toward the picture in Dana's hand.

"No, I--I can't Monica...I..."

"Please, it's tearing me apart to see you like this. You're hurting. The past is eating you away...and on a day like this it's ten-times worse. I can't stand it anymore. Please...Please let it out. I'm here for you. I wan't to help you...I won't judge you." Dana let her head drop, and Monica took her hand. "Come on. Let's sit on the couch."

They sat so that they were facing each other, legs pulled up on the couch. Dana looked up, hesitantly. "I don't know where to begin. This could last all night if you want to hear everything."

"Then let it last all night, I'm here. I'm staying until you let it all out."

Dana entwined her fingers together, licking her lips out of nervousness. "Well, in 1994 I was abducted...missing for a good month. At first Mulder thought it was aliens, but we've come to the conclusion that it was the government. They--they did tests, experiments on me. They took my ova."

Monica's head snapped up. "What?"

"Yeah...strange, huh? They took my ova, all of them. As far as I've known, I've been barren. After my cancer...well, I still felt that something was wrong, I was dealing with the fact that I would probably never have a child of my own. I spent that Christmas, um, it was 1997, with my family in San Diego. While there I was led to a little girl, Emily Sim. She looked so much like my sister that I had a DNA test run on her. I expected her to be Melissa's child. Well, the tests came back saying that _I_ was her biological mother. I...I wanted to adopt her. She seemed to be the answer to my prayers. I could no longer bear a child of my own, but here was a little girl, one whose parents were dead, who, technically, _was_ my child. But then...well, Emily died. I have reason to believe that she was not entirely human...she was the product of an experiment, using my ova and alien DNA."

Dana stopped and looked up. She'd been staring at her hands the whole time. Monica was crying. "Monica...?"

Monica shifted and pulled Dana into her arms. "Oh Dana...how much pain can one person go through? I don't understand. You are such a strong, strong person. I wouldn't have been able to make it through all of that." Monica let Dana return her embrace. The women sat there, comforting each other. After a few moments, Monica looked up. "But that's not all, is it? You're not finished."

Dana sat up. "I wish I was." Monica pulled back and nodded for Dana to go on. "Well, in late 1998, early 1999 I started going to a fertility specialist. I wasn't able to give up on the hope of having my own child. Mulder found out and revealed to me that he had a container of my ova he'd pulled from a secret lab he had been in. He'd had them tested, and the doctors he'd seen said they weren't any good. I--uh, I had them retested and the doctor said they were perfectly viable. He said I could undergo in-vitro fertilization, I just needed a father. So...I asked Mulder. We were very close; we had been working together for about six years by then, and we'd been flirting on the edges of a relationship. We just never crossed that line; I think we were both afraid of ruining our wonderful friendship. Mulder said yes, and he was so supportive, waiting for me after my appointments. But the treatments didn't work. There was a limited amount of the ova that were viable, and none of the treatments worked. When it was over, I--I was in such dispair. I felt like a part of me, my essence had died. Then Mulder got sick, and the ship in Africa was discovered...all my problems were shoved on the back-burner."

Monica took Dana's hand. "Then...then Mulder was abducted, right?"

Dana nodded. She let out a sarcastic laugh. "Yeah...It was just great. I'd been feeling a bit off on our last case. Mulder made me stay in DC when he and Skinner returned to Oregon. I fainted and ended up in the hospital. The same day that I found out I was pregnant, I found out that Mulder was missing...happy day, huh?"

Monica didn't quite understand. "How...how did you get pregnant, Dana?"

"Only God knows. I don't know if it was a timed reaction to my implant, or something they did to me in my fertility treatments, but it happened. God!"

Monica jumped. Dana seemed angry. "What is it?"

Dana's tears started again. "They couldn't even give me a normal child! I ended up with a half-alien "supersoldier." I mean, come on! You saw what he could do! Why couldn't they just give me a break!" Monica squeezed Dana's hand. "I mean, don't get me wrong Monica, I love William. He's my son. But he's also something that I cannot explain. He should not have been concieved! I was...I am barren, by all medical standards. Having no eggs tends to do that to a person."

Silence descended over Monica and Dana. Monica was fighting with the flood of new insight into Dana's life, and Dana...she was fighting with the fact that she'd never just sat down and said all of this before.

"Dana...I--I don't know what to say, I don't know how to make you feel better."

Dana shook her head. "Monica. You've done so much for me already by just being here. This is something I have to deal with. This is a battle I have to fight myself. I need to come to terms with the fact that I'm just not meant to be a mother."

"But you are a mother. It is not your fault that you can't be with William. No matter what, you are still his mother. He may grow up calling someone else Mom, you may not be able to go to his soccer games or his school conferences, but deep down a part of him will always be with you, and a part of you with him." Their eyes met and Monica smiled softly. She wiped away the tears that had formed in both of their eyes. "I hope that I've helped, at least a little."

Dana was having trouble forming words. Reaching over, she grabbed Monica's hand and drew it to her lips. Softly and slowly, she placed a kiss on the top of it. "Monica. Like I said, you've done so much for me. I already feel better, just getting it all out. I know I have a lot of issues from my past that need to be dealt with, and I don't know how it will all turn out. However, I do know that I'm really glad you're here beside me. I can't thank you enough for it. You've been supporting be since we first met, since before I even really knew you. You--you are truly a gift from God. Thank you for turning this day into something other than an opportunity for me to cry myself to sleep."

Monica didn't say anything, but she moved in toward Dana. She touched her lips to Dana's. It didn't take long before Dana opened her mouth to let Monica in. Tongues met and danced; Dana felt like Monica was breathing life into her. As Dana pulled Monica into the bedroom, Monica whispered to her, "I'll always be here Dana. It may get rough, but you...we will make it."


Notes: I have no clue if William was given up for adoption before or after Mother's Day, but in this story he was given up a few weeks prior to the holiday. I tried to work out the years for everything on paper first, but if any of the dates are off, I'm sorry! All feedback is appreciated, as long as it's general comments or constructive criticism. All flames will be used as fuel for my imaginary fireplace. My email address is starbuck83@yahoo.com Most of my stories are available on my personal fanfic archive, which is located at: http://www.angelfire.com/ms/xaccess

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