Title: I Dreamt I Solved an X-File In My Maidenform Bra
Author: Pennyroyal Tea
Written: August 1999
Distribution: Tell me where it is so I can go visit.
Spoilers: "Milagro," "Arcadia," "Jose Chung's From Outer Space"
Rating: R
Classifications: X, H, UST
Disclaimer: What a blow to my ego, to have to admit these fabulous characters are not mine!! They are Chris Carter's. Lucky bastard. 'Pennyroyal Tea' is also a Nirvana song, and the title comes from old Maidenform commercials. Feedback: Yes, please! The Post-Modern Prometheus is hiding in my basement, and he says that if I don't get any feedback he'll never allow them to dance again!!

Summary: Moose and Squirrel investigate scary happenings in a lingerie factory.

Special thanks goes to my beta-readers Lavinia's Premonition, Vanessa, and Natz. (Sorry for buggin ya so much, Natz!) Without them this story would not have been fluffed to perfection.

This Story Is Dedicated To Terese-Dinosaur Boxers!!

"Hey, look! Scully is wearing a Wonderbra!" -My Mother, during "Milagro"


"Mulder, where are we?" Scully asked as the scenery whizzed by past the rental car.

"We're in North Carolina, on our way to Brookfield and Sons Lingerie Co." Mulder replied, staring at her as he managed to drive in a straight line.

"Ah." She paused for a moment. "That's what I thought you said in DC, but I wasn't sure."

"Well, be sure now." Mulder wondered why she was all of a sudden so forgetful. Maybe she drank some bad tea or something.

"Tell me again why we're going to Brookfield and Sons?"

Mulder looked over at her again. She really must have drank something funny to forget everything. He wondered if she had any coffee yet that morning.

"Three employees claim to be abducted by aliens." He glanced at her, anticipating the roll of her pretty blue eyes.

"Mulder."

"I know, I know. Just bear with me, OK?"

She grudgingly nodded and he grinned like a teenage boy looking through a peephole into the girls' locker room as they drove on.

When they reached the factory, a man came out to greet them by the main offices. He was dressed in a sweater vest and chinos. He looked like a poster boy for Banana Republic. "Hello, I'm John Brookfield III. You must be the FBI agents, Sculder and Mully."

"Uh, actually, it's Mulder and Scully, and yes, that's us," Mulder corrected. Brookfield blushed.

"Whoops, sorry. Follow me."

They followed him into the factory as Scully wondered why a company that made women's undergarments was owned and operated by men.

John Brookfield led them into a room with a myriad of canvas clothes hampers. Each one had a number and size stamped on them.

"Here is where we keep the brassieres until we pack and ship them," he said proudly. "This was one of the original rooms in the factory when it was first built by my grandfather when he decided to make quality women's undergarments at the urging of my mother. See anything you like, Agent Scully?"

Mulder watched her fish a plain white bra out of one of the hampers and smirk derisively. It made him wonder what she was wearing, and he let his eyes rest on her bustline for a moment. She swatted him with the hooks of the bra in her hand. He winced. "Ouch! That hurts, Scully." She grinned wickedly.

Brookfield brought them into a large room filled with assembly lines and piles and piles of fabrics and wires. Workers stood around the conveyor belts, busily working with the white wires and lace. Mulder grinned like a football player making it to third base with the head cheerleader.

"This is my dream come true." He said. Scully rolled her eyes and turned to Brookfield. "Where are the women we need to talk to?"

Brookfield nodded and brought them over to a woman who was stuffing wires into a scrap of satin. "Clara," he said, "these are the FBI Agents, Sculder and Mully-I mean, Mulder and Scully. They're here to talk to you about your abduction."

Clara, a short woman with fingernails as long and as red as Scully's hair, grinned happily. "Oh, good! Finally, someone who will believe me!"

Mulder discreetly kicked Scully in the ankle. She kicked him back with the heel of her shoe. He winced as Brookfield led them back towards his office, where they could interview Clara in private. The office walls were decorated in degrees for business management and antique framed ads for the company. A photo of a little league team sponsored by the company was surrounded by several more posters showing women in their underwear. Mulder noted that the little league team, whose hats bore the company name, did not seem too happy.

Clara sat down in Brookfield's chair and crossed her legs; Mulder stood across from her with his hands behind his back. Scully stood next to him, ramrod straight, with her arms crossed, and Brookfield leaned against the doorframe.

"Clara, do you remember what happened the night you were abducted?" Mulder asked.

"Well, I was driving home from work and suddenly I saw a really bright light. I thought it was one of the street lights, but then I realized it was coming from *above*." Clara pointed towards the water stained ceiling with a look of awe across her homely face.

"It was a tractor beam, and the aliens pulled me and my car up into their spaceship. I climbed out and then they went through the contents of my trunk." Clara did not seem one bit scared or traumatized from her encounter with the aliens.

Mulder seemed disappointed. No strange experiments? Scully asked, "What did you have in your trunk?"

"A bag full of push-up bras," she said frankly. "I was bringing some home for my girlfriend. It was her birthday, and I get an employee discount."

"What did they do with the push-up bras?" Scully asked. Mulder let out a small snort of laughter and turned his head to the side, disguising the giggles with a couple of coughs.

"They put them on!" Clara shrieked, in a 'can you believe it?!' tone. "They had a little trouble with the back clasps, but I helped them out. "

"What did the aliens look like?" Mulder asked.

"Well, they were about her height, "Clara said, gesturing to Scully, "and kind of a pale green. Like, the green of that seaweed masque stuff."

Mulder looked confused, so Scully nudged him in the shoulder and said, "The stuff I put on my face in Arcadia." He frowned. Again, he was disappointed. No little gray men with bulbous heads and freakishly large eyes?

"And they didn't have any breasts, which really confused me, because if they didn't, why would they wear a push-up bra?" Clara added.

"After that, they sent me back to Earth in my car and here I am today. My friend was really pissed that she didn't get the bras. She didn't believe that I was abducted by aliens, go figure." Clara threw up her hands in a 'what can you do?' sort of gesture.

Scully exchanged *the look* with Mulder. Mulder faced Clara and said, "I have one more question, and I want a real answer."

"All right, what's that?" Clara asked.

"Did they look good in the bras?" Mulder deadpanned. Scully gave him another sharp kick to the ankle with her four inch heel and said, disgusted, "You don't have to answer that question, Clara."

Clara shrugged. "But you know what? They did! The push-up bras really did a number on them! Good job, Mr. Brookfield." She gave him the thumbs-up and he smiled bashfully.

The agents let Clara go and Brookfield offered to go find the second woman, Maria. Mulder and Scully took the opportunity to have a private conversation.

"She was abducted by aliens and they stole her stash of push-up bras?" Scully said incredulously.

"Pretty damn cool, huh."

Scully looked at him as if he had been smoking something while listening to the Grateful Dead. "Mulder!"

"I'm serious!"

"Well, I'm not! How can you expect me to be serious when the person we're interviewing claims that 5'2" seaweed green aliens pulled her and her car up into a flying saucer with a tractor beam specifically for the purpose of pilfering several push-up bras?" Scully stopped speaking; she ran out of breath. "I mean, come on! This is even dumber than that case I had to tell to Jose Chung for his stupid book!"

"That was a good case, Scully!" Mulder said, feeling slightly offended. "And you, thinking it was date rape when it was obviously aliens-"

"Mulder! My God! Is there anything on this planet, anything at all, that you won't accept with complete and utter blind faith and gullibility?" Scully shrieked. Brookfield chose that moment to enter with Maria.

"Oops," he said, with an expression as if he had just caught them doing the naked pretzel. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No, we're fine. Come in. You're Maria, I presume?" Mulder said, allowing Scully a moment to compose herself and satisfy her visions of strangling him by gouging her palms with her fingernails.

"No. My name is Tarzan, Lord of the Jungles. Of course I'm Maria! Dumb-ass G-man."


After interviewing Maria and the third woman, Fannie, Mulder and Scully went back to the motel. They had with three identical stories. Each woman had been driving home with a stash of snazzy lingerie in her car when the seaweed green aliens had pulled her up into their ship with a tractor beam. The only difference was that Clara had been carrying push-up bras, Maria had been carrying lacy panties, and Fannie had a pile of garter belts and stockings.

"So what do we do now, Mulder?" Scully asked.

"We look for aliens wearing bras, panties, and garter belts with stockings."

"Mulder, god damn it."

"My, my, Scully, you really are a Navy brat."

Scully rolled her eyes and slapped her laptop shut; she had been documenting the interviews. "I'll e-mail these to Skinner tomorrow. For now, I need sleep, so get out of my room."

Mulder saluted her as he scowled at her and walked through the connecting door to his hotel room. Scully set aside the laptop and walked over to her suitcase. Lifting the lid, she peered down into its contents: several suits, lots of pantyhose, toiletries, shoes, and an assortment of bras and panties straight from her fancy stash at home.

Scully stared at her packed underwear for a moment. "Aliens," she muttered, rifling around for her pajamas. "Aliens, my ass."

She found her pajamas and walked into the bathroom, not bothering to shut her suitcase.


Scully awoke in the middle of the night and realized she was not in her hotel room. "Where am I?" she asked aloud. There was cold metal under her back and lights reflecting off the surrounding walls.

"We're on a spaceship," Mulder replied from her side. He sounded awfully happy for someone who had heard so many terrifying abduction tales.

"A spaceship?" she said, snorting. "Yeah right. Kiss my surprisingly firm ass."

"Gladly, but it doesn't surprise me that it's firm." He wiggled his eyebrows at her in what he considered a seductive manner.

Scully decided to disregard that comment.

"But we really are on a spaceship, Scully. Take a look around."

She finally relented and gazed around the room. They were in a circular stainless steel room with a domed ceiling. The walls held a myriad of drawers. Fluorescent lights hung from the ceiling. Everything was sterile and harsh. Scully glanced down and saw that she was strapped by her hands and feet to a stainless steel table that was elevated on an angle. She let out a gasp-she was in her underpants!! Scully looked over to Mulder and saw that he was similarly bound. As her gaze traveled south, she burst into uncontrollable giggles.

"What?" Mulder asked. "What's so funny, Scully?"

"You-you-you-" she sputtered, unable to actually say anything.

"What?" he asked, completely confused.

"You-you've-you've got-aahhaahaahaa heeheehee!"

Mulder was starting to get pissed. "What is it, Scully?"

"You've-you've got-" she took a deep breath and finally spit it out in a loud scream. "DINOSAUR BOXERS!!"

Mulder scowled as he watched his partner shake with laughter in her bondage. "It figures," he muttered. "The one time I get abducted, I'm not wearing my good boxer shorts."

At that moment a door opened and two aliens walked in. Scully's tittering died on her lips as they stared in awe. The aliens were five feet two inches tall and seaweed green. The one on the left was wearing a red lace push-up bra, peach colored satin panties, and white stockings. The one on the right had a cerulean blue push-up bra, black panties, and purple stockings.

"Damn," Mulder said, looking back and forth from the aliens to Scully. "They really do look good!"

"Shut up, Mulder!"

The alien on the left walked towards them with a yellow legal pad and a black magic marker. It concentrated on writing something while the other alien began to dig around in a drawer.

The alien held up the pad. "SURRENDER EARTHLINGS," it said. "WE HAVE YOUR UNDERPANTS."

"Why do you want our underpants?" Mulder asked. The alien closed the drawer and went to stand next to the first one as it wrote.

"FOR PROFIT AND PLEASURE." Was the next message.

"Are you female aliens?" Scully asked.

"YES."

"Well, that explains everything," Scully said, wiggling her fingers. "Earth women buy fancy lingerie from Victoria's Secret or wherever to please their partners. The aliens are stealing the underwear for the same purpose. See, I knew there was a logical explanation."

The aliens now pulled out Scully's suitcase and began removing the underwear from it. "Hey, Scully! Did you buy all that fancy underwear to please me?" Mulder asked her, a goofy grin on his face. Scully turned red as the first alien's bra as the aliens pushed aside her suitcase and left her undies in a pile on the floor. They turned towards the door and several more aliens came in and began sifting through the pile.

"Hey!" Scully cried. "Get away from my clothes, you little boogers!"

The aliens paid no attention to her and ran out happily, carrying her underwear with them.

"Damn!" Scully cried in despair. "Now what am I supposed to do?"

"You could always go commando," Mulder suggested. He was silenced with *the glare*.

"That was at least a hundred dollars worth of lingerie!" She shrieked angrily. "Those little alien bastards are going to pay!"

The first two aliens, the ones in the red and blue bras, walked up to them and began to unbuckle them off the tables. Scully angrily rubbed her wrists and glowered at the alien in the cerulean bra. "You little creep," she muttered.

Mulder yelped when he was unbuckled. "That alien tried to cop a feel!" he cried.

"Oh, deal with it," she said, rolling her eyes. "Hey, if you steal women's underwear, why did you abduct him?"

The red bra alien wrote a message to her. "WE STOLE THEM FOR OUR SPOUSES."

Scully shrugged. "Makes sense. Although I'd stay away from the ones with dinosaurs on them."

"Hey, that's only this pair!" Mulder cried. Scully smirked and picked up her suitcase. "Can we go now?" she asked.

The aliens looked at each other and nodded. "THANK YOU FOR THE UNDERWEAR."

Scully dragged her suitcase behind her as she headed out the door. "Yeah, thanks for nothing, you ungrateful little pricks." She growled. Mulder followed her and said, "They're female, Scully. How could they be little pricks?"

"Shut up Mulder."


Scully awoke to the clock radio blaring "Upside, inside out, she's livin' la vida loca!" She thumped a fist on the radio, abruptly silencing Ricky Martin and threw back the covers and glanced down. She was wearing her pajamas.

"Whew!" she said aloud. "That was just a weird dream."

She walked over to her suitcase to gather her things to take a shower. When she lifted the lid, she gasped. All her underwear was gone!

"What the hell?" she murmured. After pawing through her clothes a few times to make sure, she bit her lip. All her underwear really *was* gone.

"MULDER!!" she shouted. He came bounding in, half- dressed in a white shirt, socks, a tie, and dinosaur boxer shorts.

"What is it?"

She grabbed him by the tie. "What did you do with my underwear?" she demanded.

"Nothing!" he protested. "The aliens took it, remember?"

"Oh no." she shook her head. "I refuse to believe that we were abducted by aliens and they took our underpants. It was just a dream."

"Yeah, right. The stainless steel room, the tables, the seaweed green aliens wearing lingerie.I remember all that. How could we have had the same dream?" he asked. Scully fell silent.

"See?" he said. "These are the only boxers I could find. Those little aliens really did take our skivvies."

Scully stared at him for a moment and then spoke. "Get dressed, Mulder. You look like a five year old."


That morning, the two agents went back to the Brookfield & Sons factory to talk to John Brookfield.

"Do you think we have a case?" he asked eagerly.

"Well, we'll put it into our filing system, for reference," Mulder answered. "We do thank you for letting us speak to your employees. Hey, where's Scully?"

"Your partner? Oh, she wandered off to look. She said she'd meet you in the car," Brookfield replied. "I think she wanted to look at the merchandise. She appears to be quite the connosuer." He grinned at Mulder and wiggled his eyebrows. Mulder nodded, they shook hands, and he headed outside.

A few minutes later, Mulder was playing with the radio when he saw Scully come out of the factory. She was carrying a shopping bag with her. When she climbed in the car, Mulder saw that it was a Brookfield & Sons bag.

"Ooh la la, Scully, what's in the bag?" he asked playfully.

"Replacements."

He smiled. "So does this mean you accept the idea that aliens abducted us and stole our underwear?"

"Be quiet, Mulder," she said. "Quit teasing me or you'll never get to see me model them for you."

He shut his mouth very quickly.

END

 

 

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