Title: The Blair Witch Files
Disclaimer: The characters and situations of the "X-Files" television program are the creations and property of Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox Broadcasting and have been used without any permission. The "Blair Witch Project" belongs to Hexan Films and Artisan Productions. Any copyright infringement implied or suggested is really unintended. Really. No copying or forwarding this story without express written consent of the Spoilers: Minor Ones for "Acadia", that dumb Mothman ep by Frank Spotnit- witz, the XF Movie, and the movie "The Blair Witch Project"...
Rating: PG for Adult Situations and *bleeps*.
Keywords: X-File, Humor
Summary: Before the 1999 Summer Movie season began, Agents Scully & Mulder had a bit of a distraction caused by a certain bootleg video...
March 5th, 1999
FBI Agent Dana Scully was having a wonderful Friday morning in her basement office. While the soothing sounds of classical guitar flowed from her portable CD player, she was admiring the oh, so perfect spiral of whipped topping she lovingly formed atop her cup of freshly ground and brewed "Samba De Verao" specialty coffee. The aroma of the beans was heavenly and the way the whipped cream was slowing melting into the glorious dark liquid was sheer magic. She was about to add a finishing garnish of cinnamon when her marvelous morning came to a screeching crash.
Cinnamon went flying as a startled Scully was interrupted by her partner Fox Mulder flinging open the door to their office and knocking over the metal trash can as he bolted in. He seemed a lot more excited than usual.
"Scully!" Mulder exclaimed wildly, his hair and tie flying in different directions. "Get your field equipment ready! We've got our most important case ever!!!"
Scully looked down at her toppled ceramic cup, a stream of coffee running off the edge of her desk. "My Samba De Verao latte'..." she softly sighed. She looked up disheartenedly at Mulder, now pulling out the A/V cart he has swiped from the Personnel department. "Mulder, what can be so darn important you have to ruin an innocent cup of $12 a pound coffee?"
"Just the best evidence of underground Satan Worship in America since the book `Thaumaturgical Prodigies in the New England Canaan' was written in 1788!"
"Not the Jersey Devil again, I hope."
"No Scully, right here in Maryland! Not more than 70 miles and two hours away from where we stand!"
"Mulder, you haven't been listening to radio talk show host Art Bell talk about Bill Clinton vacationing at Camp David while asleep?"
"Not THIS time Scully! I have Video evidence!"
"Probably a copy of `Vampire Sorority Babes 3' from Frohike, I bet..." Scully halfheartedly bemused, still lamenting the loss of her latte'.
Mulder fumbled with the VCR, then yanked out a video out of the machine, looked at it embarrassedly, and put it into his coat pocket. He pulled another tape out of a plastic case and inserted it into the machine. After the play button was pressed, the image of a young woman in a living room appeared on the TV.
"Heather Donahue, age 21, a senior film student at Montgomery College. Her senior project was a documentary about the legendary Blair Witch of Central Maryland."
Scully noted that the girl was a pretty, if average looking art student type, and that she was soon joined by two guys; one with long blond hair and a goatee, while the other resembled a chunky high school football player. Something about these three people certainly did seem familiar, but she could not place where she knew them from.
Mulder continued with his presentation. "Fellow Montgomery College film student Joshua Leonard, age 20. He and Heather were assisted by Montgomery College student Michael Williams, age 19, Recreational Studies major. They did several interviews in Burkittsville, Maryland on October 21, 1994. Leonard parked his 1988 Dodge Charger by the side of Black Rock Road, and they then hiked into the woods to do some filming..." Mulder then turned to Scully, the light from the VCR illuminating his face eerily. "...and THEY WERE NEVER SEEN AGAIN!!!"
"You mean they were murdered?" Scully gasped in horror, partly due to the story, partly due to Mulder's theatrics.
"NO, Scully..." Mulder melodramatically continued. "Absolutely NO TRACE...was ever found of them...Not even 33,000 man-hours of searching found....NOTHING...until....THIS!!!" He quickly pulled up a computer printed shot of some rusted film cans and Video DAT tapes. "Their Film equipment was uncovered two years later by University of Maryland Anthropology students....underneath the ruins of a 250 year old house..."
"I think I heard something about that..." Scully pondered, looking at the three kids on the screen, clowning around in a cheap motel room that resembled the places she and Mulder had always stayed at. "But why hasn't the FBI been contacted about this case until now?"
"Well, the original case was closed by the local officials 10 months after they disappeared, but when their film footage mysteriously turned up six months later, the local cops sat on the evidence. They said it was, quote, `inconclusive', unquote, until the families successfully sued for the film. They then hired a local film company to analyze the footage. And it definitely shows them being stalked by a group of strange people and finally themselves being killed in an old house."
Scully looked hard at the video image and suddenly the memory of where she had heard about the missing students came back...and it wasn't "Hard Copy" or "Extra". "Wait a minute, Mulder!" she exclaimed. "Now I remember where I heard about this! It was on The Independent Film Channel's "Split Screen" show! It's a Movie! A mockumentry like 'Spinal Tap'!"
"You call three innocent film students being stalked and murdered by Satan Worshippers funny? You are one sick puppy, Miss Dana Scully!"
"Mulder, I swear! It was featured on IFC last year. I happened to have tuned in the channel early to watch Terry Gilliam's "Brazil", and I caught it. They made up the story as a movie project. It's not real, Mulder!"
"But that can't be, Scully!" Mulder retorted. "It's way too amateurish-looking to be a real Hollywood movie. It's not even on a quality scale of even the lamest of Mystery Science Theater 3000 material!"
Mulder fast forwarded towards the end of the video and hit play again. The image of half of Heather Donahue's face filled the frame as she gave a tearful confession filled with fear. "You can't call that acting, can you, Scully? You can just FEEL the terror and anguish coming from this poor, doomed girl!"
"And If I was being stalked by weirdos in the woods, I would hardly be filming myself. And besides Mulder, something this sensational would have inevitably ended up on the Tabloid TV news shows and possible even the networks. I bet Burkittsville doesn't even exist."
"Wrongo, Scully! It's on the Rand McNally Road Atlas next to Gathland State Park. And besides, there's over 200 years of history related to the legend of the Blair Witch. What kind of silly Hollywood movie would take time to write up 200 years of fictional history?"
"Well, not when George Lucas first wrote it. The memo that came with this tape tells of a strange women in a small town called Blair, and that in 1785 she was condemned to die by winter exposure by angry townsfolk, and before spring came, all of her accusers and prosecutors were DEAD...and the survivors fled the town in panic."
"Flee in panic...like I'm going to in a few minutes..."
Mulder paid no attention and continued on with his lecture. He told how Blair was resettled as Burkittsville, of several episodes of children being stalked or kidnapped by a strange woman, a particularly grisly mass murder of five searchers in 1886 at the ominously named "Coffin Rock", and finally a ten minute dissertation on a 1940s child-killer named Rusty Parr who claimed "an old woman" told him to do what he did. Nothing Scully said could dissuade him from the case.
"Come on Scully! You're being a lot more skeptical on this then on any other case we've worked on. What gives? You're not scared of witches are you??"
"Just ONE I can think of..." Scully answered thinking of Mulder's former partner. "But still, Mulder...this is a MOVIE. It's NOT real!"
"It's All been made up!"
"But it's so realistic!"
"It's a waste of time!"
"It was approved by Skinner."
"It's time we hit the road, Mulder...."
As the car passed by the "Welcome to Burkittsville" sign, Mulder flashed Scully a 'I told you so' smile and pointed out the cemetery on the side of the road. "See? Just like in the video!"
Scully looked at the gravestones halfhearted and sighed. "I suppose you want to check in with the local police department and get their take on the..ehem...case?"
"No way, Scully! In a small town like this, the Satan Worshippers would control all means of Government to protect their secrets and rituals!"
"So what do you plan to do, wander around and look for the locals featured in the movie?"
"That...and we're going to check out the woods where they disappeared by pretending to be a young married couple on a romantic weekend backpacking trip!"
"Say what, poopyhead?"
"We're going to pretend to be a young married couple on a romantic weekend backpacking trip. Sort of like what we did on the Acadia case! That way, the worshipers of the Blair Witch won't suspect we're really FBI agents ready to take their evil little empire down for the count."
"Uh, Mulder...aside from the fact that your theory is about as plausible as flying monkeys capturing us on orders from the Blair Witch, I'm not exactly DRESSED for Backpacking, not to mention the little fact I don't have any backpacking gear with me!"
"OH, I took care of that already! I borrowed Agent Rob Garceau's family backpacking stuff! His wife Robyn's just about your size..."
Downtown Burkittsville, MD
Scully looked at ill fit of the clothes Mulder had acquired. Apparently Mrs Garceau was taller by a good 6 inches, and definitely a little more husky. Thankfully, she had her walking shoes along with her usual pumps, or she'd have to buy a pair of hiking boots in town. But she did wish she had brought a sports bra instead of her new silk Wonderbra. Having to change in the filthy unisex restroom of the "Gas-N-Guzzle" was almost as bad as having to try wearing it under the flannel shirt.
"Mulder...I am NOT just about the size of Robyn Garceau!" she groaned. "Why didn't you spend 20 extra minutes and let me get my own clothes from home?"
"Well, that's 20 more minutes of interviewing locals and hiking to our first campsite that we would not have."
"Hike to camp?? As in walk in the woods and sleep in Tents?"
"Well, A Tent. Keeping up appearances as a vacationing couple, you know." Mulder smiled like a cat with canary feathers in it's mouth.
"You mean we aren't staying in a cheap and tacky two-bit motel off the main highway?" Scully replied. "And we're sleeping together in the SAME tent? You realize we'd be breaking Bureau policy on male and female agents sharing a room!" The thought of the renewed office gossip about them was even more terrifying to her then an official reprimand.
"Don't worry, I have TWO Sleeping bags! I guess I got lucky this time?" Mulder added with a his patented schoolboy grin.
"You be lucky if I don't kill you, Mulder!"
After the tenth random person on the street had been inquired about both good camping spots and the Blair witch legend, they had gotten a unanimous recommendation for the State park and ten different stories on the Blair Witch, or whatever that person called her. All of the stories Scully had put down to urban legends or media cliches'.
"Well, we had nine different descriptions of the same legendary figure...and I won't include the one saying the Blair Witch had a hook for a hand and stalked parking teenagers."
"Well, it shows that maybe the whole town is in on the satan worship! I think we may have marked ourselves for a visit from The Blair Witch and her fellow satanists while we're in the woods."
"Good. Let's go home, then."
"But we're armed, Scully! We can easy take on some unsuspecting Satan worshipers, and they can be our evidence!"
"Let's just hope we don't have to go into a battle of wits with them...because you're going in half-armed, Mulder..."
Finally it time to go interview Mary Brown, the woman referred to in the video as "Crazy Mary", a very religious woman who had claimed to have seen the Blair Witch floating in the forest near Tappy Creek. Mulder pulled the Taurus into a low rent district trailer park, filled with late model mobile homes that looked like they came out of a Jeff Foxworthy monologue. The two agents in disguise went up and rang the doorbell. A scared-looking, late middle aged woman opened the screen door, a Bible in her hand. "Yes, Is that you, Reverend Beauregard?" Mulder was taken aback for a second, then regrouped and answered her.
"Uh, Good afternoon, ma'am. My name is Fox Mulder and this my partner Dana Scully...we work for...er, The UPN TV network and we're wondering if you could help us on a prospective TV project?"
"I don't own a TV. The Electric rays carry the word of the Devil."
"No, no, you don't have to have a TV to help us. We'd like your help in in making a TV movie about the three college film makers who disappeared in the nearby woods back in 1994." Mulder was laying it on thicker and deeper as he went.
"Why yes, I remember those nice children who came trick or treating back then. They didn't do anything bad, did they?"
"Uh, they kinda...disappeared. And we're going to be making TV movie about it. And we would love to have your input on." Mulder continued. "And maybe you'd like to star in it?"
Scully shook her head. *Great, we're pretending to be movie makers making a movie about kids pretending to be movie makers making a movie*
Mary, as plainly and factually as she could, went on with her tale of the Blair Witch. When she was 6...or 8...or 10, she had seen an elderly woman, with thick black hair all over her rag-covered body in the forest, floating a good 2 feet...12 inches...or maybe 8 inches above the ground, and recounting the fact she had long, crusty green claws...or ebony black hooves...or dirty yellow bird feet. She did remember that it was near Tappy Creek. Scully felt sorry for the poor woman, who then went on to say she was once secretly married to Elvis, that talking squirrels sang to her at night, and that Vesusuian Tiki Men were planning to take over the Home Shopping Channel and then the world. Surprising, Mulder came away convinced of her Blair Witch story. Scully just hoped that the fresh air and exercise would do her well....and clean out the cobwebs in Mulder's brain.
Outside of Burkittsville, MD
After driving out of town, Mulder pulled the Taurus over to the side of Black Rock Road and turned to Scully. "Well, it's time to hit the trail...Mrs Fox Mulder..," he said with a sly grin as he opened his door and got out.
"Oh get real, Mulder.," she replied while getting out of the car. "And whatever happened to your usual brand of fake couple names? Rob and Laura Petrie, George & Louise Jefferson, Archie & Edith Bunker, Rick and Lucy Richardo, Fred and Ethel Mertz..."
"We haven't used Thurston & Lovie Howell, yet." Mulder smirked.
"Well, if you brought your teddy bear, I'll go with that."
"Sorry, no Teddy bear. How about Mike and Carol Brady?"
"I'll take something more appropriate to the handling of this case...Homer and Marge Simpson."
"Do'h! You got me on that, Scully. Unless of course, you do plan on dying your hair blue...."
"Eat my shorts, Mulder..."
An hour or so into their backwoods hike, Scully was struggling with Robyn Garceau's pack. Not only was she taller and huskier and able to fit the pack, she was obviously more athletic. The time she and Mulder were stuck in the Florida wilderness with no gear was far more enjoyable then lugging both the borrowed gear and the 20 pounds of forensic equipment. And the so-called trail Mulder was following looked more like the path Big Foot trackers would take through the brush.
"Are you sure this is the way, Mulder?"
"Well, according to the video, it sure looks that way."
"VIDEO? You got the directions from that VIDEO? Are you Nuts, Mulder? Why didn't you get a map? Even the so-called Doomed film makers had a map!"
"No need for a plain ol' road map, Scully!" Mulder joyfully exclaimed. "Last night, I got Langly to hack into the National Security Agency's secret Satellite Surveying Archive, and I was able to mark out all the special landmarks featured in the video onto my Global Positioning Scanner! I got the initial trail they took, Tappy Creek, the various ravines and the log bridges they crossed, infamous Coffin Rock, and I even found their car parked on Black Rock Road back in October of 94!"
Not impressed with the high tech wizardry, Scully remained stuck on the ground. "Log bridges? Ravines? Mulder, I may be in pretty good shape, but I'm not prepared for cross country hiking!"
"Come on Scully! You always told me how you lamented about when you were a Girl Scout and never went camping like your brothers' Boy Scout Troops did! Come on, you'll be loving this in a while!"
After 3 and half more hours of hiking through prickly brush and piles of rotten leaves, over ravines, across fences, under trees, and having inched across log bridges that would have scared Sir Edmund Hillary, Scully finally dropped her pack at their intended first campsite. Whereas she once lamented that as Girl Scout she had never gone camping like her brother's Scout troops did, she was now wishing she was back home in her apartment, gobbling down Girl Scout cookies and settling down to watch the news and whatever VH1 music special was on TV.
"Well, Mulder... I'm completely exhausted. And I'm starving. I hope you got some supper for us..."
"Sure do! Agent Garceau had a whole bunch of freeze-dried gourmet backpacking meals, including some homemade pasta dishes his wife dehydrated herself! And he says this neat stove will heat them up in less than five minutes!" Mulder exclaimed while holding up a backpack stove that looked more like a Lunar Lander then a stove.
"Great! For once today Mulder, you're okay in my book." Scully sighed with a breath of relaxed relief she had not demonstrated since the ruination of her latte' that morning. "So what does that stove run on; white gas, propane, or butane fuel?"
"FUEL?" Mulder asked with a horrified look and sound.
Scully crunched down on the semi-softened piece of penne pasta and grimaced. The cold tomato sauce might have passed for extra chunky mild salsa, but the uncooked pasta was definitely not to her liking. Since the forest was wet from a recent spring rain and dry firewood was not to be found until the sun had begun setting, they had ended up just rehydrating the food packages. "Mulder....I swear you're going to owe me a month's worth of meals on the road....if I HAVE any more reasons to hit the road with you."
"I don't think Agent Garceau mentioned I had to buy any fuel...I think..." Mulder mused as he crunched on his cold and uncooked Beef Burgundy. "Should have at least told me..."
"I'm just glad I had taken those Breakfast bars and vitamins from my purse when we left the car, because I'm NOT eating cold, uncooked breakfast food in the morning..," Scully replied back quite annoyed. "And I should also make you sleep outside for this blunder."
"But Scully! It's wet out here!"
"Just like behind your ears, tenderfoot!" Scully scoffed, than looked apologetically. "Well, never mind Mulder, you were just too excited about this case to remember the details of camping. At least this isn't as bad as rescuing me in the Antarctic with just one set of winter clothes & boots, no radio, no heat source, and a Snowcat sitting on empty."
"Thank goodness the folks at McMurdo Sound came looking for their stol..er borrowed Snowcat...thanks for bailing me out of that mess!"
"You're just damn lucky the Naval Attache' for the base was my brother Bill's roommate at Anapolis. If he wasn't, you'd either still be paying off the $15,000 in accrued Rescue fees or you'd be sitting in Levenworth Federal Prison for Grand Theft Snowcat...."
Luckily, putting up the three boy/two adult sized tent was easy and completed before the excuse of supper, so the task of having to do it in the dark was avoided. The problem for Scully was just how they'd get undressed for sleeping since sleeping in ones sweaty clothes was a sure way to catch hypothermia. Mulder's "solution" to the problem just aggravated her enough to make him think about sleeping outside....until an evening rain started to fall. Scully crawled in the tent and quickly took off her dirty hiking clothes and donned what she assumed was one of Agent Rob Garceau's flannel shirts that his wife used as a night shirt. Luckily, a pair of flannel house pants were included in Robyn Garceau's sleepware. She then climbed into the sleeping bag atop a Therm-o-rest brand sleeping pad and discovered she was lying atop a branch buried in the leaves.
"Scully! Hurry up! I'm getting wet out here!" Mulder yelled while she exchanged places with Mulder's borrowed bag.
"Alright Mulder! You can come in now..."
Mulder got into the tent, and zipped the door shut. He turned and saw Scully completely encased in her sleeping bag. "Oh my god!" he squealed in a mockingly high-pitched voice. "The Blair Witch must have kidnapped Agent Scully!!"
"I'm in here, Mulder..." Scully answered flatly inside the bag.
"OH NO!! Even Worse! She turned Agent Scully into a giant blue and green caterpillar!"
"Very funny. Now get in your sleeping bag and go to sleep."
Mulder began humorously vocalizing the tune "Night Train", a favorite of pre-rap music strippers, as he began peeling off his clothes. Scully remained buried in her bag. "Very funny, Mr Chippendale. Knock it off."
"You...can...leave...your...hat on..." Mulder began loudly singing the song made famous in "The Full Monty". But sadly for him, Scully was not interested in the "Full Mulder".
"Goodnight, Fox," Scully said sternly, knowing he hated the name Fox.
"Goodnight Dana Sue..." Mulder answered back playfully.
"That might be Dana Sue for Sexual Harassment if you don't get to sleep, Mulder...."
Giggling like a Cub Scout, Mulder turned off his flashlight and settled into his bag. "Hmmmm, maybe I should have checked the ground before setting up this tent..." he wondered as he discovered the branch buried under the leaves underneath him.
As Scully snoozed gently beside him, Mulder stared up at the gentle pattering of raindrops on the tent fly, visible through the screen ceiling of the tent. If they only had tents like this twenty-five years ago, he might not have dropped out of Boy Scouts when he was 13. Of course, impressing girls was the main reason he had quit, but still the effect of the rain was pleasantly relaxing.
Suddenly, a strange noise filled Mulder's ears. A haunting cry that was more human than animal, but eerily not human. It seemed to be calling out a name..."Bob somebody". Every hair on his body instantly arose in terrified nervousness. The crying continued. Was it one of the Blair Witch's victim speaking from beyond the grave? Or was it in fact a cry from some long-forgotten criminal or Consortium agent Mulder had taken down? Or was it the Demon Killer from "Twin Peaks"? The mournful call got closer...and closer! Suddenly, it seemed as if the cries for this "Bob" were all around him. At last, poor Mulder could take no more and screamed in terror as he bolted for the tent door, gun in hand.
Awaken by Mulder's scream, Scully flung herself upward, still deeply wrapped in the sleeping bag. "What the..!" she cried out, trying to get unzipped. Mulder continued yelling incoherently as he fumbled with the screen door zipper. As Scully extracted herself from the bag, she saw Mulder's bare legs slip outside. Grabbing her service automatic, she bolted after the screaming Mulder. The wet mat of leaves from last autumn was the first thing Scully felt when she left the shelter of her tent barefooted. She then glimpsed a white shadow that was Mulder in the moonlight. He wearing nothing but bikini underwear. "They were here, Scully! They were here!" yelled Mulder, his arms locked in a combat stance holding out his pistol.
"Well, whomever they are, they're getting quite a show!" Scully yelled back, trying hard not to glimpse her partner's lean and lanky, near nude body. "And what do you mean by They were here?"
"I heard them calling out a name!"
"No, Bob Somebody..."
Scully's mouth dropped in complete incredulity. "Did it sound something like... maybe, Bob....WHITE?"
"I think so..."
"You idiot!" screamed the infuriated Dana Scully. "That was the nightly mating call of the Bobwhite!"
"You already said it was Bob White!"
"Not a people Bob White, the Quail Bobwhite!"
"Dan Quayle is a follower of the Blair Witch?"
"No! It was a Bird! A Bird! The Bird that you heard! Don't you know about the bird? Why, everybody's heard about that bird..."
A embarrassed Mulder dropped his weapon to his near naked side. "Uh, never mind Scully..." A loud huff was all he got in response. As the wet Scully crawled back into the tent, Mulder muttered under his breath, "Why's everybody always picking on me....?"
Still in the Woods
Mulder slowly crawled out of the tent the next morning to find the rain had stopped and that Scully was sitting on a log eating a blueberry breakfast bar and soaking what looked like her panty hose in a tin cup. "I must either be still dreaming or you've gone woods wacky on me."
"Old college trick, Mulder...when you're out of coffee filters, you can use pantyhose to hold the grounds."
"COFFEE?!?" Mulder's eyes exploded with delight at the sound of the magic elixir. "You got a fire going for coffee?"
"Wood's still too wet too burn, Mulder...and I'm drinking cold Coffee and cocoa. I need my morning caffeine in any form..."
Dejected, Mulder pulled out a package out of the food bag (which Rob Garceau told him to hang from a tree in order to keep bears out of the tent) and poured a cup of cold water into it.
"You're not going to that, are you?" Scully wheezed in disgust at as Mulder pulled out a spoonful of the cold & uncooked rehydrated eggs.
"Well, if it's not green or fuzzy...it's most likely edible." Mulder answering like a true single guy. But after downing the first bite, he made a face like a 4 year taking castor oil. "Where was that Taco Bell hot sauce you found in Robyn's ditty bag?"
"The bachelor gourmet's answer to everything..." she responded, tossing him two packs of taco sauce.
"No, the bachelor gourmet's answer to everything is to shack up with a woman who's a either a professional chef or a Martha Stewart wannabe."
"Assuming any rational man wants to be married to Julia Childs or Martha Stewart."
"Well, Julia Childs in the kitchen...Pamala Anderson in the bedroom," Mulder replied with a grin too evil for so early.
"But with your luck Mulder, you'd get Pamala Anderson in the kitchen..."
Mulder had a thought about that comment, but kept it to himself.
After breakfast, the pair of intrepid agents took off onto the excuse of a trail Mulder had concocted from NSA Archive. Around 10am, they had reached the infamous "Coffin Rock" overlooking Tappy Creek. Mulder again began telling the grisly story about the five men in 1885 who were searching for a missing girl and were discovered the a few days bound, gagged, disemboweled while still alive, and how their bodies had disappeared the following day. However, Scully spent an hour going over the dark granite outcropping with her ultraviolet lamp and finding not a hint of 114 year old blood.
"It must have washed off with over 114 years of rain and snow, Scully," Mulder said when she told him the bad news.
"Well, from what you said, the bodies were out here for some time and that would have caked their blood enough to leave some permanent residue that I would be able to pick up. Not to mention that some of the blood would be protected from deterioration in the cracks."
"I didn't say there was blood all over the dumb rock, Scully..." Mulder unapologetically said. "So maybe the Blair Witch licked up all the blood after sacrificing them. Or maybe it was done elsewhere and they were just left here..."
"You're stretching, Mulder." Scully frowned. She knew this was a waste of time, but that convincing the old boy was the only way to make him shut up about the case.
"Come on, you must have missed something!" Mulder replied back as he stepped up onto the rock and tried taking the lamp. "Here, let me try..."
"Look, I can do this myse....Look out....!" Scully screeched as he accidently bumped into her and she suddenly lost her balance. "Mulder!!" she yelled as she toppled over the edge. A loud splash instantly followed.
"Scully! Are you alright?" Mulder hollered as he laid down on the rock and peered over. There, in about three feet of muddy water, sat the soaked Scully, fuming at her sudden predicament.
"You just ruined a $180 Ultraviolet Detection Lamp, Mulder..." she scowled, water dribbling from her hair, and down her upturned face. "And I think I landed on my cel phone, too..."
"No problem Scully! I still have mine and at least you've got a spare set of clothes in your pack." Mulder decided to play it safe and fetch his partner some dry clothes- quickly.
"Call Skinner. Tell him I quit."
"Well, if you really want to go home, I'll call him and tell him we'll start back on it Monday with another lamp thingie..." Mulder dialed up Skinner's home phone...but nothing happened.
"What the... Hey Scully, we're not outside of phone coverage, are we?"
"No, I called Robyn Garceau to ask about how to adjust her pack when you parked the car on Black Rock road."
"What now Mulder?"
"Uh...I discovered the problem. I forgot to pay my cel phone bill last month...since the Bureau stopped paying for all my lost phones...Scully? What are you doing with that handful of mud? Scully...? What are you..."
Moments later, Scully was cowering behind the hung-up tent fly between two trees, trying to change clothes in the open behind it. Mulder fought against every male inclination in his body to try and sneak a peek at his undressing partner.
"Great...my $48 silk Wonderbra...ruined by a wilderness dip..." She glared at Mulder. "...and falling in the water..." she muttered under her breath as she removed her soaked undergarments. Mulder was instead secretly hoping for a sudden breeze as she laid her underwear on the line.
"I want no comments about what I'm not wearing, Mulder..." Scully remarked as she slipped the spare t-shirt on. She had to tie it up around her waist Daisy Duke-style to keep from showing too much. In fact, when she put on Robin Garceau's hiking shorts, she cringed knowing how much like Daisy Duke she did look like.
"What about a comment about lack of `support' you get in the field?" Mulder half-snickered.
"That'll take up your joke quota for a couple hours." came the sardonic reply. Scully then stepped out from behind the makeshift curtain. "Don't say it..."
"That I look like Daisy Duke from the Dukes of Hazard TV show."
"No, Daisy Duke wore her short REEEEEEALLY Tight, Scully. Those are kind of...slightly...baggy."
Suddenly, Scully realized what a great comment that was on her own figure. "Why, thank you Agent Mulder...", which of course left him completely perplexed.
Saturday, March 6
Poor Scully was still sloshing in her wet walking shoes over 2 hours after they had left Coffin Rock when she heard Mulder yelling from 30 yards up ahead of her.
"LOOK SCULLY! The Numerically Concentric Standing Stones! This is where the Lost Film makers were at!!" Mulder was waving his arms like a madman...well, a bit more animated than he normally would be. Scully trudged on to a small clearing in the trees and started looking around. "Standing Stones? Where?"
"Right Here!" Mulder exclaimed excitedly. He was pointing at a small trio of rocks the size of tennis balls and smaller.
"Standing Stones? They look more like Piled Pebbles!" Scully moaned as she dropped the pack and bent over to catch her breath. "Mulder...a pile of rocks that small hardly compares with that of Stonehenge, Mesa Verde, Velki Lukki, or any other mystical stone ornamentation used by alternative religious groups!"
"But look! Here are more piles of stones that increase numerically!"
"Great. That means our, quote Satan Worshippers unquote, can count..."
"I say we camp here overnight, just in case the Blair Witch or her followers are following us!"
"Mulder, that's the damn stupidest idea I've ever heard!"
"What's the matter, Scully? You're not SCARED are you?"
"No, I'm looking at all these damn rocks on the ground! You want to sleep on rocks tonight?"
"You know, I think there's a nice meadow a couple of miles away..."
Again, after hours of tramping through the woods to above mentioned meadow, Scully & Mulder made camp and tried eating their cold and uncooked backpacking meals. Mulder attempted to get a fire started, but the wood on the ground was still too wet to burn. Exhausted, Scully crawled into the tent before him.
But a few minutes later when he was about to join her, Mulder had a paranoid thought. "What if the Blair Witch decides to ruin our gear like she had done to the film students' stuff?" Not wanting to lose the GPS, the food, or the packs, Mulder pulled everything into the tent. A sleeping Scully made no argument as he piled all their gear in with them. And in case he had make a quick exit from the tent to fight off the Blair Witch and her minions, Mulder moved his sleeping bag 180 degrees to face the tent door.
Giggling, he pervertedly thought of the position they were now sleeping in. "Sixty Nine with Scully..."
A few hours after midnight, with the gleam from the ghastly pale moon trickling through the skeleton arms of the trees, a hulking figure covered in thick black fur gazed upon the visage of the lonely tent. The monstrosity sniffed the air curiously and smacked it's slobbery lips hungrily.
Mulder had finally been able to fall asleep, even with all the strange noises he had been hearing. Thankfully, the two false alarms this evening had not awaken Scully. Or had they? In his mind, there was the image of Scully placing moist kisses on his face, and then lust-filled passes of her hot tongue all over his head. Suddenly, Mulder's brain began picking up the actual sensations of such on his skin and he slowly began to wake up.
"Oh, Scully...baby...yes...yes... give it to me, baby...like we've always wanted to... Scully...yes...yes..." he groggily muttered in response to the wetness being laid upon him. Suddenly, his nerve endings picked up another sensation. The Sensation of FUR.
Instantly, Mulder woke up and found to his horror, a giant fur-covered face was licking his head. He screamed in unholy terror and scooted himself all the way down to the back of the tent, knocking over Scully's pack down onto her sleeping form. Between Mulder's screaming and her pack crashing down on her, Scully was awake in a flash.
"What in the hell....?" she yelled back as she tried to get out from underneath the backpack.
"SHE'S IN HERE!!!! THE BLAIR WITCH!!! SHE'S IN HERE!!!!!"
Scully's head finally burst out into the open, and then she saw the fur-covered horror that had entered their tent. "Oh My God, Mulder!!!" She screamed back. "IT's A BEAR!!!!"
Fortunately for the two Federal agents, their combined screaming had so frightened the juvenile black bear that he turned and galloped out of the tent and away into the forest. Scully & Mulder sat their frozen in shock, their hearts both thumping at high speed.
"I have Bear Slobber all over my head..."
"What the hell was it doing in here?" Scully wheezed, then realizing what had probably happened. "Mulder...did you hoist up the food bag over a tree limb like Agent Garceau told you to?"
"No...I was afraid the real Blair Witch or her minions would steal it or ruin it..."
"Mulder...remind me NEVER to go camping with you again..."
"From now on, Scully...roughing it means slow room service..."
You guessed it, The Woods
Thanks to their encounter with the bear, neither Scully nor Mulder could get any sleep until once again, the sun rose and brought another day to their investigation. After eating her last breakfast bar and downing cold coffee, Scully openly demanded they return to DC, but with another day of cold, uncooked food facing him, Mulder capitulated and agreed that was the best solution. So with a eye to the GPS, they began to make a beeline to the nearest road and get ride back to the car.
Unfortunately, the GPS only provided a two-dimensional view of the landscape and the direct route back to the car soon turned into a twisting maze as they bypassed deep ravines, briar patches, and downed trees. Suddenly, at the edge of another creek bed, Mulder stopped and motioned for Scully.
"What is it, Mulder? You found a main trail back to the road?"
"No, look! AA batteries! Just like you'd find in a Camcorder!" he pointed down to pile of eight AA size power cells on the ground, now corroded a dull red gold .
"So? That could have belonged to anyone! Birdwatchers, kids with a Gameboy, or teenagers with a radio."
"Well, we'll have the boys in the Lab examine them for fingerprints, anyway.." Mulder chided, taking out a foot of crime scene tape and noting the spot on the GPS. "This place looks exactly like the spot where the Heather freaked out when Michael admitted to throwing away the map..."
"Smart Girl..." Scully wheezed, as she dropped her pack to take a breather. "...typical guy, not needing to ask for directions..."
Still in the Damned Woods
The discovery of the batteries had heighten Mulder's investigative senses and was soon losing the will to head straight back for the car. Again leading from dozens of yards ahead of the struggling Scully, Mulder screamed with delight when he entered a relatively clear, flat area. "Scully! The Blair Witch Totems!! Just like in the film evidence! They're all over the place!" By the time she arrived, Mulder had dropped his pack, and was inspecting dozens of strange-looking icons made of four sticks lashed together to form something that looked like a crucifix with angled legs. Scully immediately recognized the constructs as the symbol for the Blair Witch movie she had seen on TV. *Yes, that settles it. I'm right, Mulder's wrong, and I'm going to laugh at Skinner Monday morning..."
Mulder began taking digital pictures of each and every one of the menacing icons. "You know Scully, if there's a big rock nearby, I bet it's covered in sacrificial blood..."
"Now there's a leap of logic.... simple pioneering projects equals a nation-wide conspiracy of satanist cults that practice human sacrifice on a large stone. You've got sacrificial rocks in your head, Mulder..."
"Oh yeah, Scully? YOU explain what the hell these freaky things are...and yes, they are freaking me out!"
"Mulder, here's a nice, feasible explanation: the dumb movie crew left them up in the trees."
"Come on, Scully! Movie studios NEVER leave their expensive props just lying around on location... they all go back to the studio for 20 years before being sold to crazy film buffs and wacky sci fi fans."
"Takes one to know one..." Scully muttered under her breath. She then spoke up and asked, "Since we found your so-called evidence, call we please get going back to the car? We can come back Monday with the entire FBI crime lab."
"Sorry, Scully...change of plans! Mulder answered as he began looking around curiously. "That house where the college kids were killed has to be nearby..."
"Oh just Fine! You go do that!" Scully replied angrily, tired of both the continual disagreement and the cross-country trekking. "I'm staying right here!"
"But Scully, we shouldn't split up! What if something happens?"
"Just give out a really loud girlie scream when you meet The Blair Witch floating in the air..."
Scully gave no further notice to Mulder, who went off scout around for the old house where the college film makers were killed or the sacrificial rock alter where insane human cultist worshiped with the Blair Witch. Scully, noting the setting sun, decided to set up camp and get supper going. Luckily, since the strange "witch symbols" were hanging in the brisk spring breeze, she knew exactly what to do with them....
Using his GPS and the hacked NSA satellite data, Mulder quickly found the old house where Heather Donahue and Michael Williams were dispatched by the evil cohorts of the Blair Witch. The only problem was that between now and when the NSA satellite snapped the photos of the area and right was that a large oak tree had come down upon the now ruined pile of wooden rubble. Taking out his pistol, Mulder scoured the pile looking for an easy way to get to the cellar where the horrible act had taken place, but found none. Thirty minutes of huffing and puffing with the shattered lumber and stone proved fruitless. "I guess I'll just have to get Scully to help me dig through the wreckage tomorrow," he said, then taking off to find the rock the poor students were most likely sacrificed on.
Two hours after he left to find both the house and the as yet undiscovered sacrificial rock alter, Mulder returned to where he had left Scully and saw smoke. Soon, he beheld the aroma and crackle of a campfire. He then saw the tent was put up and that Scully was sitting next to a nice- sized fire licking the bottom of the Garceaus' cooking pot. He ran up quite amazed, looking forward to a hot, cooked supper this time.
"Wow, Scully! You got a fire going! Where did you find dry wood?"
"Well, thanks to the brisk spring wind, those Blair Witch scarecrows were quite dry..."
"OH *bleep*!!!! YOU'RE *bleeping* DESTROYING VALUABLE *bleeping* EVIDENCE, SCULLY!!!!" Mulder screamed as he raced toward the blazing fire. "What the *bleep* do you think you're *bleeping* doing?!?" He was about to kick the scarecrows out of the fire but Scully had already disassembled them, except for the one she was using to hang the pot of water over the flame.
"Great! When the Blair Witch finds out what you did, she going to kill us...just like those college kids!!"
"MULDER! Get a hold of yourself! There's no such thing as the Blair Witch! I've just been humoring you since Skinner did in fact assign us this loopy case! In fact, you should be glad *I* haven't turned into the Blair Witch and turned you into a frog--or worse!"
"Well, even if the Blair Witch isn't real, the wacko satanists who believe in her will kill us!!"
"Shut up, Mulder...or it's cold, uncooked Tuna Fettuccine for you..."
Mulder decided to shut up for dinner.
March 6th 9:20 PM
Long after the last traces of the comforting daylight had faded into inky blackness around them, Mulder pulled back the action of his Sig Saur pistol and released it, if not to see that it was ready for use, but perhaps to scare any nefarious persons waiting nearby. Scully was snuggling up in her sleeping bag to find a comfortable spot on the Therm-o-rest pad, trying to ignore him. Mulder then laid out two spare magazines for the pistol and wrapped his borrowed bag around him as he sat up, waiting for something bad to happen.
"Come on, Mulder...go to sleep. I want to get up nice and early and get back to the car and back to my nice warm, dry, and soft apartment." The fact she had two warm Chicken Ala King dinners in her tummy made Scully just satisfied enough not to try and lay a sleeper hold on her nervous partner.
"No way, Scully. I know there's weird things out there and weird people who worship it and who are going to kill us because you had to use their totems as tinder. At least I'm trying to keep us safe."
"Well, if you don't at least turn out the light, the glow from this tent will surely give us away, you big doof!"
Mulder quickly turned off his heavy duty flashlight, but the ghostly glow from the moon was filtering through the trees, casting eerie, faint shadows on the tent wall. Scully rolled over and faced the other way while Mulder sat there in the dimly lit night, ready for anything.
"Witches... Warlocks... and Cultists.... oh my! Witches... Warlocks... and Cultists....oh my! Witches... warlocks....
Monday, March 7th
Scully relaxed in the brawny arms of Nick the pool boy, his smooth, bronzed chest providing an exquisite resting place for her head of wet hair. His muscular arms cradled her gently, and with strong hands he began gently massaging her willing flesh. She moaned passionately as Nick began placing soft, moist kisses down her tingling neck as he deeply whispered into her yearning ear.....
"Scully! WAKE UP!!!"
Slowly, poor Scully awoke from her really good dream to realize Mulder was the one gently shaking her and whispering in her ear. "What the...?" she softly sputtered, still groggy from sleep.
"Scully! Don't you hear those weird, inhuman sounds coming from out in the forest? We're being staked out for our death sentence, just like the those poor film students!!"
"You're having a bad dream, Mulder...like I was having a really good one..."
"Scu-leeeeeee...." Mulder hissed with adrenalin-fuel anxiety. "They're out there..."
"And so are you, Mulder...I can't believe you'd get scared by woodland noises. And after all the time we've been in spookier woods then thi...
Suddenly, the most ghastly and terrifying noise either agent had ever heard in their lives bellowed from just outside the tent, sending every hair on their bodies straight up. Another, lower-pitched rumbling wail was then heard, not more then several feet away. Both sounded of tortured pain, accompanied by the rapid rustle of the fallen leaves and a strange metallic clanking noise. And then a hideous shadow fell upon the side of the tent as the two sets of horrid wailing came down on them again. Even Scully gasped in abject terror at the sight and sound. It was a hideous form of a tall, partially upright figure with a long head topped with devil horns. Mulder screeched in fright, dove over to shield Scully from the repulsive-looking silhouette. He pulled out his Sig Saur, aimed it at the imposing apparition, and fired. More indescribable howls followed as Mulder emptied the 17-round magazine through the tent walls. Scully cowered terrified in her sleeping bag as loud, leaf-scattering thumps were then heard. Silence enveloped them for an agonizing minute that seemed like an eternity. Scully then reached for her flashlight and made her way to the front of the tent.
"You're not going out there are, are you Scully?" Mulder wheezed as his hands trembled from fright and adrenalin.
"I...I...have to see what...it...was...." Scully croaked as she slowly crawled toward the tent opening and trembling, she unzipped the door. Mulder began fumbling for the second pistol magazine as Scully crawled out of the tent, wet leaves softly crunching under her hands and knees.
"Oh, Dear God in Heaven save us...." Scully gasped outside, in a voice that spoke volumes of doom and despair. The stress was finally too much for Mulder and he fainted dead away.....
Monday, March 7th
A cold mist enveloped the eldritch forest in a gray pallor of death. In the small clearing marked by a bullet-riddled backpacking tent, the bodies of a male and female laid stiffly in the carpet of dead leaves, still in their last embrace. Blood from the unfortunate pair had soaked into the mat of rotting leaves and had coagulated into a dark, sickening mass. The visage of their tragic end cast an even more sorrowful pall on the gathering crowd of police investigators and grief-stricken citizens who arrived too late to save them.
"I can't believe you killed those cows, Mulder..."
"I can't believe mating cows made that kind of noise, Scully." Mulder sighed as he looked down at the Jersey milk cow and the bull he had put more than a dozen 9mm rounds into.
"Skinner's going to have our heads on a silver platter for this one." Scully sighed as she looked over to see the Assistant Director and the FBI Civilian Liaison Chief getting a stern lecture from the owner of the two deceased bovines.
"I'm more worried what I'm going to have to tell Agent Garceau and his wife about shooting through their $300 North Face tent. They have a Boy Scout camp out next week..."
Walter Skinner, roused from bed at 6AM by a phone call saying that his favorite pair of agents had been involved in a deadly shooting, but not exactly what else was involved in said shooting, strode over scowling like a gunfighter ready for a duel.
"Agent Scully...you seem to be the more rational of the two of you. Could you kindly tell me why the hell you two are out here shooting $32,000 worth of livestock on private property?" He was not in the least bit amused.
"Director Skinner...I....I...have no *bleeping* idea why we're out here...." Scully murmured, looking right at her partner.
A glare from Skinner hit Mulder right between the eyes. "I should have known..."
Mulder stammered while giving his latest excuse to his boss. "But...but...the case! The Case you...you assigned us...Friday...the missing college film students...the satanic Cult...the Blair Witch..."
"What the hell are you babbling about, Agent Mulder? You and Scully were assigned to investigate an illegal video taping operation up at the University of Maryland! Seems some wacky sci-fi fan there has been selling tapes of upcoming summer horror movies. When the Attorney General finds out you've instead been shooting up dairy cows belonging to a Democratic party contributor...oooooh, you're gonna get it but good...are you listening to me, Mulder?"
Mulder was too busy being strangled by Scully to listen.
Author Notes: Yes, I did see "The Blair Witch Project" featured on The Independent Film Channel back in 1998, and was so intrigued I wrote a horror roleplaying game scenario for it. And yes, I saw the movie twice and liked it. Just amazed Chris Carter didn't beat me to this idea.