Title: Kissing Restraint 101
Authors: Scifinerdgrl and RPCrazy
Rating: PG-13
Classification: SRH
Spoilers: Apart from having fun with the XF characters? You tell 
me.
Keywords: Doggett/Reyes Relationship, Silliness
Summary: Doggett and Reyes must pass Kissing Restraint 101 to 
get through Law Enforcement Academy. Why do they have a problem 
with that?
Notes: This just happened as posts were going back and forth
between us on the XF Official Site Message boards. This took a
few hours of fun to conceive.


Part One

It was a wet January day, John Doggett was mesmerised by the 
beating of the rain on the lecture room roof and his mind began 
to wander. 
Kissing Restraint 101 was a compulsory subject at Law 
Enforcement Academy but he didn't care for it too much. 

Instructor:  Now, everybody, practice: Aim for the mouth, divert 
to the forehead. Very good. Hey, you, Agent Doggett! Wake up! 
You just missed the most important lesson of your life! 

Doggett: Huh? Wha--- I was paying attention, really! 

Instructor: Now ladies and gentlemen I'd like each of you to 
choose a member of the opposite sex to practise on. 

Scully and Reyes both race towards the drowsy Doggett. 

Reyes:  Ha ha Dana, I got here first. << Her face is jubilant.>> 
Scully:  Oh rats!

 Dana stamps her foot and reluctantly goes to her second choice 
(and we all know who that is don't we *VEG*) 

Instructor:  Now ladies, you first. Concentrate now, aim for the 
mouth. 

JD is awake now but of course hasn't heard a word that's been 
said. 

Reyes has her arms around JD and has her eyes on his mouth. 

Instructor: Now ladies, divert to the forehead. <<The instructor 
looks across to Reyes and Doggett.>> DIVERT TO THE FOREHEAD! 

Of course JD has swept Reyes up in his arms and has planted her 
with one very, juicy, long, wet, hot smooch on the lips.  The 
instructor gets her big stick out to try and pull them apart, to 
no avail. 

Instructor: You two! I think we'll have to give you two some 
homework tonight! Detention room, 4.30! 

The other students look at the miscreants and think, Hmmmm they 
look like they're having more fun. Suddenly the whole room is 
awash in rampant hormones, and everybody is kissing and groping 
and groping and kissing... 
Scully marches to the front of the room and yells,

Scully: Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!!! <<But nobody pays any 
attention. Finally she whacks the table with her pointer, 
breaking it in two. She stamps her feet.>> That's NOT the way 
it's done! 
Two by two the students file out of the room, lips locked, arms 
entwined, practically tripping over each others' feet. Scully's 
eyes mist up and she says, 

Scully: They're gone. They're just... gone.

Part Two

Law Enforcement Academy 
Detention Room 4.30 pm 

Doggett: What?! We *weren't* meant to be kissing? <<Looks across 
to a sniggering Reyes>> 

Instructor: No, Mr Doggett. You obviously need some extra 
practice at this. You know you must pass this subject to pass 
the whole course. 

Doggett: I know that. <<Not wanting to appear ignorant.>> 

Instructor: Now I'm going to leave you two here to practise your 
kissing restraint. I'll be back in ten. <<She breezes out the 
door>> 

Reyes: Well she's a bit of a battleax. <<Doggett just nods>> 

Doggett: Okay Mon honey, where do we start? <<He gets out the 
handcuffs>> 

Reyes: How about on this chair? 

Doggett proceeds to handcuff Reyes to the chair then straddles 
her, both of them kissing passionately. 
Ten minutes later Ms Battleax comes back and they're still at 
it. 

Ms Battleax: What *are* you two doing? 
Doggett looks confused, Reyes looks ecstatic and radiant. 

Doggett: I was just using *restraints* while kissing. Isn't that 
right? 

Ms. Battleax: That's NOT what I meant, and you know it, young 
man. 
<<Reyes snickers>> 
Ms. Battleax: And you too, young lady. Well, I NEVER! I'm going 
to have to report this to Mr. Follmer. 

Reyes: Oh, no! Don't do that! We'll be good, we promise! 
<<Her fingers are crossed behind her back>> 

Ms. Battleax: You, young man! Take those handcuffs off of her 
this instant! << He sheepishly removes the handcuffs, but winks 
at Monica as he backs away >> 

Ms. Battleax: Now, I want to see some serious forehead 
smooching, right here and right now! 

Doggett: Right here? <<gulp>> In front of you? 

Ms. Battleax: Well, if you can't do it in front of me, how are 
you going to do it in front of millions of viewers? 

Reyes: I hear the ratings are dropping anyway, so what's the 
diff? 

Ms. Battleax: That's enough out of you, Missy Smartmouth! 
<<Doggett and Reyes look at each other, each trying not to 
laugh>> 

Doggett: Okay, here goes! 
<<Doggett and Reyes slowly move their heads toward each other, 
until their lips are about six inches apart>> 

Ms. Battleax: Okay, now divert... Divert!... DIVERT 
<<Doggett and Reyes are now deep into a very French liplock>> 

Ms. Battleax: Damn you, you heathen hornytoads! 
<<Ms. Battleax pulls them apart. They both wipe their mouths 
with their sleeves, all the while smiling at each other 
mischievously>> 

Ms. Battleax: I'll give you ONE more chance. Now, settle those 
hormones down and try again 
<<Doggett and Reyes move their heads together slowly, and when 
they're about ten inches apart, Doggett dives in and nearly 
swallows Monica's face>> 

Ms. Battleax: Oh, my! <<she starts fanning herself with her 
legal pad>> Oh no, oh no This is NOT happening <<sits down, 
nearly faint, perspiration dripping down her forehead>> Oh no, 
no, no, no.... YES!!! 
<<Doggett and Reyes, hearing the magic word, start groping...>>

Part Three

Doggett manoeuvres Reyes so she's sitting on his lap. They can't 
get enough of each other - mouths and hands are moving wildly. 
Doggett starts to undo Reyes' shirt buttons and Reyes has 
already whipped his belt off.

Meanwhile Ms Battleax has her legal notepad and pencil out as is 
eagerly writing notes. Every so often she wipes sweat from her 
brow and mumbles to herself.

Ms. Battleax: Kiss, buttons, belt, ... what's next?... 
um....bra, shoes, pants,... grrr ...bl**dy pencil's broken!

Then there is a faint knock at the door.

Scully <<talking in a very sweet, angelic, high pitched voice 
with a pile of books under her arm and a short tweed skirt 
topped with a pale pink button-up cardigan, her hair tied up in 
a pale pink bow.>>: Miss, I thought you might give me some extra 
homework. I've already read the five books you set for us. My 
favorites were "Celebrity Celibacy" and "Sex - Sinner or Saint?"

She notices her instructor's catatonic stupor then looks over to 
the cause. 
There are Doggett and Reyes half-naked doing the *mambo* right 
there on the floor.

Opportunity lost - she gasps and runs out of the room crying and 
shrieking!!! No!!!!!!

Ms. Battleax rummages around her draw and finds another pencil 
and resumes her note taking.

Ms. Battleax: .... Underwear, oh my!!!!!!

She doesn't see an imposing figure loom at the door.

Mr Follmer: John! Monica! My office NOW!!

Part Four

<<John & Mon look up like a couple deer caught in headlights>> 
John: Huh? 
Mon: Wha--? 

Ms. Battleax <<looking up from her notepad>>: Eh? 
Brad: Doctor Scully told me you refuse to learn the forehead 
smooch. 

John: If you say so 
Mon: Brad, you know that forehead smooch stuff is a load of 
crap. Nobody really does that. 

Brad: Agents Scully and Mulder did. 
John: And yet they managed to make a baby together. How do you 
explain that? 

Brad <<looking down and shuffling his feet>> 

Ms. Battleax: Well? 
Brad: We're, uh, looking into that actually... 

Ms. Battleax: Nobody told me about this. Why didn't you tell me, 
Brad?.... Brad? <<Brad is staring at Monica's breasts and a thin 
line of drool is dripping down his chin>> BRA-AADD! 

Brad <<looking up suddenly>> What? Oh, yes, Mulder and Scully. 

<<CSM enters, flicking ash on Brad's shoes>> 

CSM: Well, hello Ms. Battleax. Having trouble with a couple of 
troublemakers, eh? 
Brad: We can handle this, so why don't you bend over and... 
CSM: All in good time <<flicks another ash on Brad's shoes>> 

Ms. Battleax: Now, Brad, why don't you take these agents to your 
office and, uh, interrogate them. 

<<Ms. Battleax shoos Brad out the office and signals to John & 
Mon, who grab their clothes and scoot out the door after him>> 

CSM: Now, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted? 

<<Ms. Battleax sidles up to CSM and shows him her notepad>> 

<<CSM reads, nods, and then nuzzles Ms. Battleax's ear>> 

The door closes, and Brad, John, and Monica see the light go 
out. 

Part Five

Law Enforcement Academy
Principal Brad Follmer's Office
5.30 pm

Mon and John are making gooey eyes at each other as Follmer 
paces the room all official-like - hands behind his back.

Follmer: I hope you realise the seriousness of this breach. 
Anyone making whoopee within these walls could be discredited, 
never to return, never to graduate from this academy.

He goes on with his diatribe, aware of his own self-importance 
but unaware of the two sexually primed students before him.

The two chairs sidle up. Still not aware he goes on. 

Follmer: I too thought at one stage that Kissing Restraint 101 
was a redundant subject but I've come to think now that it has 
merits. I can see clearly the value of forehead kissing.

If Reyes hadn't been in piscatorial connection with Doggett at 
that time  (okay - what's the kissing term?  Isn't piscatorial 
to do with FISH? - LOL - humanlybound - help me!!!)  she would 
have barfed at Follmer's comment.

He momentarily looks over to the hormonally charged couple and 
jumps.

Just then a familiar face graces their presence - one they 
thought was long gone from this world.

Doggett: What are you doin' here? 

Reyes: Krycek. I thought you were dead!!

..............

<<Krycek winks at the horny couple. Then he whips his palm pilot 
out of his pocket, hits a few keys, and Brad Follmer doubles 
over in pain>> 

Brad: What the f---? 

Krycek: I have put nanobots into the blood of every A.D. at the 
bureau. Mwahahaha And I can bend them to my will.. <<he hits 
another couple buttons and Follmer is writhing around on the 
floor>> 

<<Krycek nods to Doggett & Reyes and they take their cue, 
escaping out the open door>> 
<<Krycek hits another couple buttons and Brad's body collapses 
into a heap>> 

Brad: What the f---? Who are you? And what do you want from me? 

Krycek: Didn't anyone warn you? All male X-Files cast members 
must get it on with me in slashfic. It's a rule. Scifi wouldn't 
do that to you, Anne probably won't either, but it's inevitable. 
Even more inevitable than DRR wrap-ups probably. Got a problem 
with that? <<and he pushed a couple buttons on the palm pilot>> 

Brad: Yeah I've got a --- <<he writhes as the nanobots 
multiply>> problem -- with -- that -- I'm hot for Reyes, dammit! 

Krycek: Not in this fanfic you aren't! Ever get it on with a 
wooden hand? 
<<The door closes and the lights go out>> 


Part Six

Law Enforcement Building
6 pm

Primal cries could be heard from Principal Follmer's office but 
Reyes and Doggett didn't notice - they were heading towards the 
closest janitor's closet for a little more *homework*. <<This 
sounds too much like Roswell Season 1 - making out in the eraser 
room>>

All the others who heard just thought Follmer was practising his 
tribal war cries - as usual.

Doggett: Who would have thought Krycek would have been on our 
side.

Reyes: Who would have thought Krycek would be back from the 
dead.

Doggett: What's the X-File here?  I've died once and was eaten 
and regurgitated.  According to all the X-Files I read in a 
weekend Mulder died twice  (even though the files were all burnt 
in a fire), Mulder's informants Deep Throat and X were 
exterminated, CSM has died twice, Scully was abducted by aliens 
and got cancer, Skinner's wife died, Mulder's dad was killed, 
his mum killed herself, his sister was a government experiment 
and was taken by walk -ins,  Scully's sister was killed instead 
of her, Scully's dad died and went to the big Stargate SG-1 
mission in the sky... and Scully's brother might as well be dead 
because is personality is..

Reyes: .. and your Luke died.

Doggett: Oh c'mon Mon. Do you haffta bring that up? That wasn't 
in the X-Files!

Doggett is suddenly overcome with grief and falls into Reyes' 
arms...

Part Seven

<<Reyes coos into Doggett's ear and he gradually regains his 
composure>> 

Doggett: Your place or mine? 

Reyes: How about the Motel 6 next door? It's closer. 
<<They open the door to the closet and see Scully, her eyes red 
and misty, staring at them>> 

Reyes: Sorry Scully. You lose. Neener Neener. 
<<Reyes and Doggett walk out hand-in-hand, Scully stamping her 
feet and looking after them>> 

Scully: But what shall I do? Where shall I go? Whom shall I 
shag? 

Doggett: <<looking backward>> Frankly, my dear, I don't give a 
damn. 


THE END