TITLE: The Creepy-Scary Things Project AUTHOR: Goudess (The Cheesiest) RATING: PG (A few cuss words, maybe. I think.) CLASSIFICATION: Crossover/Humor (Yes, I know, -everyone- does a Blair Witch Parody. Yes, I know that it is overused. But hey, I'm not afraid to submit to conformity. Includes references to The Sixth Sense and James Cameron... Elvis. Yeah.) SPOILERS: Nah, I don't think so. This story is safe to tread. Ooh -- and at the beginning are a few references to 'inside' things, characters in other stories and things that I'm too lazy to cut out. Hence, if it doesn't make sense... hey, well... Does crappy humor ever make sense? KEYWORDS: Uh... SPOILERS: We went through this already. SUMMARY: In October of 2000, two bored X-Files agents kinda-sorta disappeared in the woods near the woods near Vancouver, Canada. This is their footage. (really quite scary, ominous chord...something like this -- DA-DA-Daaa) Author's Note: Vancouver, Canada. Hey, that's the first line of the story! Gee, imagine that! A person could have just gone on and read it... woah, and maybe from there could go on and read...gasp... the -whole- thing! Absurd, isn't it. Enjoy. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ (The whir of film, a flash and a skip, and we pan to MULDER, or rather his mirror-image, wearing pink silk boxers and holding a camera. He waves cheerfully) ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (WAY EXTREME CLOSE UP of a grey kitten's face) MULDER: (from somewhere off camera) Puddles! ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (MULDER'S Mirror) MULDER: (dancing in his silk boxers, toting the camera, the view swinging to his image, then around the messy apartment, then back to his image again. Sings.) I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt soo sexy it huur-- CLEANING LADY: (from somewhere off camera) Um... want me to come back later? MULDER: Eelp! (mad scramble with camera) ------------------------------------------- camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- MULDER: (standing in front of his mirror with camera) Okay, here goes. This is my apartment. Which I am leaving the comforts of for the weekend to explore the Creepy-Scary things in the woods. (bends over to hold up a book) (Close up to Title - "Surviving the Woods", by Mountain Bill and his Overly-happy Buccaneers.) MULDER: I don't know what buccaneers are, but I'm sure this is some essential reading, because you never know what just may happen in the woods. (Pan back to MULDER tossing the book back into the trash that litters the room behind him) But first, I have to pick up Scully. ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (view from video camera looking to a rear-view mirror, then a steering wheel, then the road ahead.) (MULDER then realizes he is on the wrong side of the road. Zoom to semi truck.) MULDER: Eeelp! ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (view of SCULLY'S house) MULDER: (turns the camera around to face himself, EXTREME CLOSE UP of MULDER) Any minute now. (begins to sing a bit, as the camera moves back to SCULLY'S FRONT DOOR) You are my sunshine, my only sunshine... (EXTREME CLOSE UP of SCULLY'S DOOR) MULDER: (honks the horn) (AN EVEN MORE EXTREME CLOSE UP of SCULLY'S DOOR) MULDER: (honks the horn) Geez. ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (view of SCULLY, in pajamas and bedraggled) SCULLY: (irritated and very confused) What?! MULDER: (from behind the camera) Scully! I called you last night! We had this all planned out! SCULLY: (glares) And I said no. This is ridiculous! MULDER: (from behind the camera) Scullieeee... SCULLY: Just because you saw some stupid movie on television last night doesn't mean monsters are going to magically manifest themselves in the local woods! MULDER: (from behind the camera) Scullieee... SCULLY: Furthermore, I'm sure there are more important things for us to do... You know, the w-word. And more importantly... I mean, geez Mulder, I'm already getting annoyed by the freaking camera-- MULDER: (interrupts from behind the camera) Scullieee... SCULLY: Will you stop that already! MULDER: Say you'll come. SCULLY: Turn that thing off. (moves back a step) MULDER: Say you'll coooome, Sculliiie.... SCULLY: Give me that thing! (advances) (struggle) ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (View of a grocery store aisle, level with the shopping cart. It soon becomes apparent that the camera is sitting there and being pushed along.) (SCULLY is standing in front of the shopping cart when it comes to a halt.) SCULLY: (glares) (MULDER walks around from where he was pushing the cart, and ducks to take something from the shelf. SCULLY watches, in half-disgust, as he presses a bag of marshmallows closely to his face.) MULDER: (muffled) Mmm...marshmellooooooowwwwss.... (gags) Aacck! (peels his face away, coughing and sputtering) Wait, something isn't right, here... SCULLY: (crossing her arms) Let's just get out of here, okay. MULDER: Wait! I know. (he approaches the camera, holding the marshmallows in both hands, temptingly... closer and closer until...) (the bag crinkles under the camera) MULDER: (off camera) Mmm... marshmellooooowssss.... SCULLY: (off camera) And why do we have so much food, Mulder!? (the bag lifts to let into sight a glaring SCULLY) MULDER: Well hellooo Miss Survival. SCULLY: Mulder, the woods is less than an acre! MULDER: Bet that's what the Donner Party thought. SCULLY: (coolly) Mulder, the Donner party wasn't exactly ten minutes away from civilization. MULDER: Hmph. When we get lost and have to scrounge to survive, you'll be sorry. SCULLY: Mulder, there'll be a Holiday Inn about a half hour walk away! MULDER: Sculiieee... ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (view of walking in a diner) ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (HEAD SHOT of WAITING OLD MAN) MULDER: (behind camera) We're filming a documentary, on-- SCULLY: (behind camera) HE'S filming a documentary. MULDER: WE'RE filming a documentary! SCULLY: Mulder, I am NOT taking part in this! MULDER: Scullieeee.... ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (HEAD SHOT of ANOTHER WAITING OLD MAN) MULDER: (behind camera) I'm filming a documentary that my partner thinks she is too good to be a part of. SCULLY: Mulder! MULDER: Well, it's true! OLD MAN: (suspicious) Are you two really with James Cameron? SCULLY: (screeches from behind camera) You told him we were with JAMES CAMERON!? MULDER: Scullieee! SCULLY: What were you thinking? I mean, Titanic sucked! And look at Dark Angel! It's worse than all of season six combined! MULDER: Scullieee! RESTURANT LADY: (approaches noisily from the background) Don't knock Titanic, you little redheaded-- ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (HEAD SHOT of NOW-RATHER-NERVOUS OLD MAN) MULDER: Did you know these woods were haunted? OLD MAN: What woods? MULDER: Umm... the woods. OLD MAN: Oh, you mean that one acre plot behind the high school? MULDER: One and a half acres. OLD MAN: Whatever. SCULLY: You tell him. MULDER: Scully! Who's side are you on! ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (HEAD SHOT of KOOKY-LOOKING LADY) KOOKY-LOOKING LADY: Do I really have to wear this getup? (tugs at her wig) MULDER: AAAGH! Cut! ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- KOOKY-LOOKING LADY: Ahh... yes, the woods... um... well, I think a hunter got shot back there, few years back. MULDER: Really? You think something paranormal was involved? KOOKY-LOOKING LADY: I think he was drunk. Shot himself in the foot. MULDER: You think something paranormal gave him an alcoholic beverage? (The sound of SCULLY groaning and slapping her forehead) KOOKY-LOOKING LADY: No... I think Bob up at the general store did that. Do you want to talk to him? MULDER: No. Nevermind. Just nevermind. You all should be ashamed of yourselves. Come on, let's get out of here, Scully... (camera swings off KOOKY-LOOKING LADY) KOOKY-LOOKING LADY: (from off camera) He crazy? SCULLY: You don't know the half of it... MULDER: I heard that! SCULLY: Good! ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (long view of the OUTSIDE OF THE WOODS) MULDER: Ooh...spooky... Isn't it spooky, Scully? (zoom to SCULLY) SCULLY: (crossing her arms) I'm not talking to you. MULDER: (sigh) Whoopee. ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (shot of the back of SCULLY'S head, walking behind her on the charted out stone path) MULDER: Scully chose to lead, because she's bossy and self-centered. SCULLY: Shut up, Mulder. MULDER: I don't think she's very happy with me... SCULLY: Gee, so perceptive. MULDER: I'm hoping she gets eaten. SCULLY: Log. MULDER: What, Scully? What kind of comeback is "log"? Gee, looks like -someon--(MULDER'S dialogue is cut off as he trips over the fallen tree) (wild vomit-inducing camera spins, before a thump and a long shot of a rock) (camera dies) (blank screen) (MULDER'S voice breaks the silence, though a sea of pitch black nothingness) MULDER: Is the light on? SCULLY: We've been sitting here for four hours, Mulder. And as I answered you two seconds ago, no. Dead. MULDER: (long pause) Is the light on? (an ARRGH from SCULLY, and a loud thump) MULDER: Eeek! Scully! Ouch! Aaack! Stoppit! (camera flickers... view of Scully's surprised face) MULDER: I'm afraid to ask again, Scully... SCULLY: It's on. MULDER: What did you do? SCULLY: Don't ask me... MULDER: You'll have to go spastic more often. SCULLY: (glare) Mulder... ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (jolting view of a bunch of trees...running) MULDER: (behind camera) Oh my god... Look at this! Look at this Scully! SCULLY: (off camera, from a distance) What? What is it, Mulder? MULDER: Look! (shaking camera pans up and down a LARGE MAPLE TREE) SCULLY: What? What is it? What do you see? (camera swerves to SCULLY, who's looking over with wide eyes) MULDER: Scully, look! Oh my god... (camera pans up and down a LARGE MAPLE TREE) SCULLY: (flatly) Please don't tell me it's the tree... MULDER: It's not just any tree! Look at it! Arms! (camera zooms to one branch, then another branch, then back to the first branch...all on a LARGE MAPLE TREE) SCULLY: (slightly peeved tone) Mulder, those are branches. MULDER: But LOOK! There are two of them, arranged just like arms! SCULLY: Mulder, there must be nine are ten branches up there. (camera pans to SCULLY, then to the TREE, to SCULLY, the TREE... TREE, SCULLY, TREE, SCULLY...) MULDER: (long pause) But LOOK! There are TEN of them, arranged just like arms! A ten armed tree! (CLOSE UP of LARGE MAPLE TREE) SCULLY: Somebody shoot me. ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (view of Scully, sitting by the campfire, camera level with her...) MULDER: (sitting as well, behind the camera) Well, I think we had a first good day. SCULLY: If you didn't drop the camera, we'd be home by now. (camera pans back to a glaring Scully) MULDER: What, you don't like roughing it, Scully? SCULLY: (glares) Holiday Inn. Half hour. MULDER: Tent. Five feet. SCULLY: Rock, left cranium. MULDER: The camera, Scully! The camera! I rented it from the Evidence Department... I need it back intact. SCULLY: The moment you put that thing down, Mulder, you're dead. MULDER: (very audible gulp) SCULLY: (brushes her hand across her forehead then looks to her left, then down at the ground) Mulder, if these are gushed up marshmallow bits that I'm sitting on... MULDER: Umm... ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (the pop of the sound unit, black screen...absolute darkness) MULDER: What was that noise?! SCULLY: (sound of unzipping sleeping bag) What noise MULDER: (high pitched, distant tone) Caawwkle! Caakehee! (normal tone) That noise! SCULLY: That was you! MULDER: Was not! SCULLY: (sound of slapping paper) It's right here in the script! Under your name! MULDER: Must have been a misprint, because it certainly wasn't me! (high pitched, distant tone) Cawhaahaa... I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too...weheehee... (normal tone) There it is again! SCULLY: Mulder that's you doing that! MULDER: (flips on the flashlight) Scully! I'm hurt. How -could- you accuse me of something like that! (view of squinting SCULLY and Mulder's stocking-clad feet) SCULLY: (flatly) I'm sleeping outside. MULDER: The witch will get you! SCULLY: I'm fine. I'm sure the witch won't wake me up in the middle of the night... (SCULLY crawls out of view) (the sound of the tent unzipping and flapping open) MULDER: Eternal suffering! That's what will happen! (high pitched, distant tone) Suffering, suffering! (normal tone) There it is again! You hear that?! Don't go out there, Scully! SCULLY: Mulder, I could see your lips moving! MULDER: No you couldn't. SCULLY: (sigh) That does it. Goodnight, Mulder... MULDER: Scullieee!! (scramble) ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (outside the tent, grey hazy morning) (camera moves around the clearing, then down to a little rock cairn just a few feet away) MULDER: (from somewhere off camera) Don't touch that! SCULLY: (from behind camera) What is it? MULDER: Nothing, nothing... just don't touch it. (long pause) MULDER: We forgot toilet paper, by the way. SCULLY: When I find you Mulder, you're dead. ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (view of the back of Scully's head, walking the path) MULDER: (from behind the camera) Scully's not speaking to me... again. SCULLY: (continues to almost stomp angrily down the trail) MULDER: I'm beginning to fear for my life. Not only is there the risk of Creepy-Scary Things, but my partner is surely plotting against me. Worse off, I'm suffering infernal itching from those leaves I had to use this morning... SCULLY: At least something good came out of this trip. MULDER: Shut up, Scully. SCULLY: Fine. (camera pans the clearing) (MOUTAIN BILL and HIS OVERLY HAPPY BUCCANNEERS sit around an electric grill, smoking cigarettes and lounging) MOUTAIN BILL: (holds up a cigarette in salute) (camera pans away, all too quickly) MULDER: Yes, I itch terribly. And somehow I have this feeling Scully has a jar of calamine lotion on her. (calls out pointedly) Don'cha, Scully! ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (view of small grassy clearing, MULDER and SCULLY sitting in the distance with their back to the camera) (Strange, montrostic huffing sounds come from behind the camera) ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (ALIEN 1, ALIEN 2, BIGFOOT, and ELVIS sit around a tree stump) BIGFOOT: (looks at ALIEN 1, ALIEN 2, and ELVIS) Got any sixes? ELVIS: (looks at his cards) Goa fish, haay. BIGFOOT: (growls and reaches over toward ELVIS) ELVIS: Eelp! Woah Woah woaaah now, big feller... (warily tosses a card over) BIGFOOT: (shakes his fist and sits back down, snapping his prize from the stump and rearranging his cards) ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (view of MULDER sitting on a riverbank, holding a leaf... zooms in to him turning it in his hand, slowly, then taking a long, slow bite) SCULLY: (behind the camera, sits down beside him, pan of the river, then to MULDER chewing depressingly, and finally to an open pack, from which she draws a box of Ho-Ho's.) (crinkling of cellophane) MULDER: This sucks. ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (view of SCULLY pursing her lips angrily at the camera) SCULLY: Mulder, we've been walking all day. It's getting dark. MULDER: (behind the camera) Guess we'll have to camp again. SCULLY: I'd rather keep walking. MULDER: Whaat? You scaaared Scullieee? Miss Scully is scaaared? SCULLY: (raises an eyebrow... gives the camera the Evil Eye) MULDER: Eelp! SCULLY: (rubs her forehead, the bridge of her nose, her mouth...long pause) Are you going to make funny noises tonight, Mulder? MULDER: It wasn't me! SCULLY: Mulder, just stop. Stop. MULDER: Bu-- SCULLY: Stop. Now. ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (the pop of the sound system, before breaking into pitch blackness) MULDER: (turns on a flashlight) (camera pans an empty tent, sleeping bags strewn about, as well as a few clothes) MULDER: (picks up his boxers from his place behind the camera) Oop. There you guys are. ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (hiss of sound system, pitch blackness) MULDER: Eelp! Scully! (sound of scrambling, the unzipping and scraping of a tent being opened, then a beam of light breaking into the spooky, ominous woods) MULDER: SCULLY!?! (high pitched, distant tone) Sculleeheehee... (normal tone) Eelp! What was that?! (camera bounces around as MULDER breaks into a run, trees flying by on all sides) MULDER: Oomph oof oof huff... Sculliieee!! SCULLIIEEE!! (by now, the bouncing goes from irritating to just plain sickening) MULDER: Scully!! SCULLY!! SCULLY: (distant) Mulder! MULDER: Scully! SCULLY: Mulder! MULDER: Scully! SCULLY: Mulder! MULDER: Scully! SCULLY: Mulder! MULDER: Scully! SCULLY: Mulder! MULDER: Allright, I think I distinguished where you are! (the camera jolts over to a wide-eyed SCULLY, although she squints after the light hits her) SCULLY: Watch where you point that thing! *winces and covers her eyes* MULDER: Where were you?! SCULLY: Trying to find some decent leaves. Everything around our site is poison ivy. MULDER: (long pause) Poison ivy... is that bad? SCULLY: Yes. MULDER: (another long pause) SCULLY: (looks at him, still slightly covering her eyes) MULDER: (pause, uncomfortable) Did you find anything, then? Maple, oak, pine? SCULLY: Pine? MULDER: Well, you get the general idea. SCULLY: Well, no, not really... but I found this old abandoned house. I figured they'd have something... MULDER: Old house?! Where? SCULLY: Um... (she motions back behind her) (camera moves back to REALLY FREAKY LOOKING OLD HOUSE) MULDER: Woah! That's... really freaky. SCULLY: And old. MULDER: (hushed) Scully... I bet that place... SCULLY: Has plumbing? I doubt it, although it'd be nice. MULDER: Could you just drop the toilet issue! I mean, I bet that place is haunted! SCULLY: (turns around slowly) MULDER: (deep, scary voice) DA DA DA!! SCULLY: (jumps) Eek! What was that for?! MULDER: Thought we could use some sound effects. SCULLY: Gee. Thanks. (turns around) (shot of the back of SCULLY'S head and the REALLY FREAKY LOOKING OLD HOUSE) MULDER: Let's check it out. SCULLY: (whines) Do we HAAVE to...? MULDER: What, you scared? Scully scaaared? SCULLY: (turns around and glares) No. MULDER: (long pause) Oh. SCULLY: (glares) MULDER: (long pause) Okay. Umm...(pause) You go first. ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (view of inside the REALLY FREAKY LOOKING OLD HOUSE) MULDER: (feminine-pitch spooky mumbling) Mwee-hee-coomuah-halovely-doodaa-hee...floop! SCULLY: Shut up, Mulder. MULDER: Scully! SCULLY: Don't even try it. Give me the flashlight. MULDER: No. SCULLY: Mulder, how do you expect me to go first without being able to see my way? MULDER: I'll shine it for you. SCULLY: (glares) MULDER: (pause...camera wriggles around) SCULLY: Allright, allright. Stop licking the flashlight... you can keep it. (turns around and mutters) Lord in heaven, if there is something ominous and potentially dangerous in here, have it eat Mulder... MULDER: I heard that. (freaky cackling sounds filter from somewhere upstairs) SCULLY: What was that!? MULDER: That was you! SCULLY: Mulder, stop it! MULDER: (swallows) SCULLY: I thought I heard someone call for help... MULDER: I didn't hear anything... must have been your imagination... SOMEONE: (calls) Help!! MULDER: Darn it. SCULLY: Lets go! *runs upstairs* MULDER: SCULLY! (the camera jolts all around the REALLY FREAKY LOOKING HOUSE interior, in the torn up kitchen with a fireplace skeleton, three bound student filmmakers, and a narrow staircase) MULDER: SCULLY!! (footsteps thump up the stairs in wild, indistinguishable rhythms... well, actually, they're easily distinguished as footsteps, but they're all wild and stuff...) MULDER: SCULLY! Answer me! Scullieee!! (breaks into a panicked scream, as he reaches the top of the steps) Sculllieeee!! SCULLIEEE!!! EEEE! (the camera view angles toward the wall, MULDER obviously having forgotten to use it) MULDER: Oop. (the camera swings to see a very disturbed looking SCULLY, standing next to some SIXTH-SENSE-KID) MULDER: Ahh...That's better. (breaks into a scream again) SCULLY!! SCULLIEEEE!! SCULLY: (rubs her ear painfully) Would you stop that already?! SIX-SENSE-KID: (whispers) I see dead people. MULDER: ...scuull...iee... (as his voice softens, the camera swings from SCULLY to the OLD HERMIT, then back to SCULLY again) SCULLY: Mulder, just zoom out. MULDER: Oh, yeah. (the camera pans out to both SCULLY and the SIXTH-SENSE-KID) SIXTH-SENSE-KID: (whispers) I see dead people. MULDER: What? SIXTH-SENSE-KID: (whispers) I see dead people. MULDER: -What-? SIXTH-SENSE-KID: (whispers) I see dead people. MULDER: (zooms to SCULLY) I can't understand a word this kid's saying. SCULLY: (sighs) SIXTH-SENSE-KID: (whispers) I see dead people. MULDER: (exasperated) You tree church steeples? SIXTH-SENSE-KID: (pulls out a megaphone) (A MEGAPHONE-ISH HISS) SIXTH-SENSE-KID: (exact same whisper) I see dead people. MULDER: Sheesh. Forget it. This sucks. SCULLY: That's what I said when you came to drag me out here. MULDER: This can't be right. I have everything - the spooky nighttime woods, the freaky looking house-- SCULLY: --That's old. MULDER: ...That's old, and the camera. (a loud stomp) Why can't anything scary happen!? Those stupid Blair Witch people get all the fun! SCULLY: Mulder that was a movie. MULDER: Nooo... it was real! Didn't you see the thing, Scully... "The footage you're about to see is true." SIXTH-SENSE-KID: (whispers) They're everywhere. SCULLY: Mulder. Movie. Script. Actors. MULDER: And actress. SCULLY: (slaps her forehead) MULDER: You should really stop doing that, Scully. I don't think it's very good for your memory. SCULLY: Good. I want to forget this ever happened. SIXTH-SENSE-KID: (whispers) They don't know they're dead. But I see them, because I see dead people. (camera pans to Scully) MULDER: (tries hopefully in a high pitched, distant voice) I'm the wicked witch of the wooods...wooo.... SCULLY: Thanks, Mulder, but no thanks. MULDER: (sighs) Let's get out of here. ------------------------------------------- (camera flickers - cut and return) ------------------------------------------- (view of bright shining autumn woods...and naturally, the back of SCULLY'S head) SCULLY: What are we going to do with the tape? MULDER: I don't know... there's a late night movie on Pay-Per-View tonight... SCULLY: (looks back warily) No more movies, Mulder. You get weird when you watch movies. MULDER: (aghast) I do not! SCULLY: Almost as weird as you are when you MAKE them... can you turn of the camera now? Please? (camera pans to the car, and highway) MULDER: We can't end this way... we need a happy ending... SCULLY: Liiike? MULDER: Driving away from here. SCULLY: I like that... especially if you're the one filming it. MULDER: Yeah... (long pause) ...Hey! SCULLY: (turns around and grins, before trying the door handle) (camera moves down to the handle, then slowly up to SCULLY, who's expression is about as evil as they come) SCULLY: (low, guttural growl) Mulder... where did you put the keys? MULDER: (takes a step back) SCULLY: Muldeer... (advances on him, then dives to tackle) (the camera jolts then spirals through the air sickeningly, as the ground spins into view...closer and closer until THUD) MULDER: (in terror) Sculliee! SCULLIEE! AAIIIE! I'm soorry!! EEEK!!! SCULLY: (screeching) I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LOST THE CAR KEYS!! MULDER: Sculll-EEEK! (another thud, then the sound of the camera film whirling to a stop...) (black) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- (DA-DA-DUM) Buy the CREEPY-SCARY THINGS PROJECT SOUNDTRACK!! Featuring- -The CREEPY-SCARY THINGS PROJECT Freaky OOminous Chord -The CREEPY-SCARY THINGS PROJECT High Pittched Scream -The CREEPY-SCARY THINGS PROJECT I'm too Sexy Remix -And 45 Minutes of Black, Empty Space Reserve your copy today! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE CREEPY-SCARY THINGS PROJECT New, never seen footage... Until Now. Groundbreaking. Inspirational. Pure CREEPY-SCARY THINGS PROJECT. ----------------------- (camera flickers) ----------------------- (EXTREME CLOSE UP of a sleeping SCULLY'S NOSE) MULDER: (from behind camera) Heehee. Lacking some hygiene there Scully? Lookie... (zooms into the nasal cavity) MULDER: Nooosehaaiaair... -------------------------- (camera flickers - cut) --------------------------