Title: The Unknown Human Element
As she watched her son suckle at her breast she marveled at the semi-erotic sensations that his little mouth evoked in her. Was she a bad mother? She had no real inclination to discuss this particular side effect with anyone, and she really didn’t have many girlfriends with whom this particular area of conversation would be acceptable. On the other hand, as a medical doctor, she knew that these sensations were normal, but that did not make her feel any better about it. So, she enjoyed her son yet suffered through his feedings in silence. She had him down to twice a day now as she had begun his weaning so that she could go back to work.
She looked down at him, his big blue eyes looking up at her, his chubby little fist clutching her breast as if to massage more milk out of her. She tickled his surprisingly long toes and watched him squirm and kick, a little smile forming around her wet nipple. ‘Ah, a giggle’, she smiled down at him. She loved these moments with her son, her William, named after their fathers, hers and Mulder’s. She thought of her son’s toes and fingers, and wondered why she should feel surprised. His father was tall, almost a foot taller than her petite frame of 5foot2. She used to love to challenge him, tilting her head way back to glare at his ridiculous ideas that evoked such reactions in her that all centered around passion - burning, blazing passion.
God! She loved him. Had from the first moment she walked into his basement office and he challenged her to open her mind and from the acceptance of that challenge, had unwittingly opened her heart.
She thought of the set rendezvous they had made. Tomorrow, William would be six months old; they would meet at a motel where they had rendezvoused before. Everyone thought that she was going to visit some college friends to show off her baby. If they only knew - they could never know. There was way too much at stake, her son’s life, and her love’s life - Her Mulder.
Her attention was called back to her son, who had sleepily let go of her nipple, the suddenly cold, wet feeling unpleasant to her, prompted her to dry herself off and lift him to shoulder to burp him. ‘Ah, to be a personal cow!’ she smiled at her audacious thought.
William cuddled into her neck, milky drool sliding down. Nope, wouldn’t trade it for anything, she chuckled lightly and rubbed his back through his UFO jumper. Strange, how she thought these icons were cute for her son. Reminding her of his father…not that she needed reminding. He was on her mind as she woke in the morning, as she went to work, when she got home and when she went to bed at night. All done without him. A presence that was in her life constantly for seven years, suddenly not there, missing …her soul on vacation …without her.
‘Soon’, she thought. She got up and put William in his bassinet. ‘Now I have to get some stuff organized for our little trip tomorrow my son.’
She prepared his bottles, put them in the fridge; water for her self and yogurt, suddenly remembering when she was lectured by Mulder about having bee pollen mixed with yogurt for lunch and added a banana and apple as well.
Scully went into the bedroom to pack some clothes. She reached for three, on second thought, five sets of jumpers of William, a bag of diapers, ointments, powders, wipes. Jeez, babies sure use a lot of stuff! Towels and toys. She looked up from her packing, surveying the room to see if she had forgotten anything for him. Nope, that should be it. She put the baby duffel bag by the front door. ‘Now me,’ she thought.
She hadn’t seen or heard from her lover for six months. She knew she wouldn’t have to make much of an effort to set the mood, but she wanted to. They never had that aspect of their sexual relationship. There was never a planned romantic interlude and damn it she wanted that!!!
They had only the one night of William’s conception, one moment’s weakness and there was a baby, a baby not acknowledged until the night of his birth.
Mulder’s return by the aliens was a stressful time for them. They were awkward around each other. After all, the last time they had seen each other before his abduction they had just begun to explore their feelings for each other. Then seven months later he was there again, months of hoping and praying and he was there. There, but unsure of his place in the world, of her, of her pregnancy, of them.
The circumstance of William’s birth was an x-file in itself, but Mulder finding them in the middle of nowhere when he did was a true miracle.
The truth we both know. That’s what he said to her before they kissed. A long slow passionate kiss that brought to life the spark of love that always lingered below the surface.
She felt strange though, wondering if she was crossing a line with sexy lingerie. She was apprehensive, but she needed to do this, needed him as much as air to survive. The anticipation alone was making breathing difficult. She grabbed some matching lace and satin bra and panty sets and threw them in her bag along with a couple of tank tops, t-shirts and her toiletries. ‘That’s it, we’re ready’ she made a sweeping glance once more, and then went to bed. ‘Now to get through the next six hours to departure’ she thought. Sleep would be long in coming.
Five hours later, she was too impatient to wait any longer, her son’s breakfast drained quickly and efficiently from her body, and they were ready to go. She left William in his bassinet in the living room and rushed in and out of the apartment to pack the car. She was ever vigilant of her surroundings, not wanting anything to jeopardize this liaison with Mulder. No strange cars nearby, no elusive repair vehicles, no unknown joggers, everyone and everything were familiar to her. She ran back inside to get her baby; checking that all appliances were turned off and they were on their way. Dressed in a leather jacket and boots, white cotton t-shirt and fitted jeans, under which she wore a periwinkle blue lacy bra and panty set which she knew set off her eyes. It didn’t hurt that her hair was just high lightened to a more striking red. She was pleased with the results.
She exited the building; her son snuggled in her arms, her eyes constantly on the move, making sure that everything was as it should be. Thank God all was quiet; with work especially, Doggett and Reyes were quite competent taking over where she and Mulder had left off. She strapped William into his car seat and placed the activity handlebars in front of him to occupy him should he wake.
She walked to the front seat and strapped herself in, plugged in her hands-free attachment to her cell phone, checked her mirrors and pulled out into the street.
Three hours, she’d be there in three hours. Three hours she’d see him; hold him, kiss him again. She loved kissing him, there was vulnerability in him revealed when they kissed, those slow deep kisses that set her heart beating rapidly always followed by embraces that was more like them clinging to each other, afraid of the possibilities of exploring further.
The night William was conceived was not like any other with her and Mulder. They had spent the weekend apart after a disagreement concerning a case. ‘He could be so frustrating!’ she thought as she half listened to his latest case. "Umm hmmm," she grunted, acknowledging that she had heard him, while stabbing at some lettuce. "Scully …Scully!" Mulder’s droning changed pitch. She looked up to see him staring at her, a question in his eyes. "Hmmm?" she queried, eyebrows lifted in what she hoped was a show of interest. "You’re not listening!" he whined. "C’mon Mulder, I mean, how many times have we seen slides like this before; crop circles in some random farmer’s field! I’ll bet you that they aren’t even real!" She almost shouted, so exasperated she was, tired of the same old chase. She was tired of her life, tired of the stagnancy of it. She was immobilized. Afraid or perhaps apprehensive to move forward. She shared her life with one person. He was her endangerer and protector, but for all this, he was her best friend and confidante - he was the only one she trusted. She followed him to the ends of the earth in search of his "TRUTH". They were always on the run, but with no finish line - no prize at the end. She was breathing heavily, her rant ended, the internal as well as the verbal, and looked up to see the open disappointment in his eyes, and was immediately regretful. She almost apologized, almost gave into him - again- but decided to make a stand. "So, you’re not coming with me then?" he asked, teeth clenching in an effort to harness the urge to persuade her to come along once again. He too was also tired, but not of the search, but of her constant resistance. It was becoming a constant battle to get her to agree to any of his ideas, not that she ever did, but there was no real basis for her arguments anymore, just resistance. Maybe a weekend apart will do them good. "I’ve got tons of paper work to do," she said, not meeting his eyes, knowing that she’d hurt him. "Fine" he turned from her, grabbed his jacket and stalked out of the office. "I’ll see you when I get back" called over his shoulder was the only goodbye that she got.
When they did see each other again, so much had changed for her - she had had an encounter with an ex-lover that reminded her that she had made a choice in her life and in making that choice, had set in motion, a series of events that she couldn’t nor wouldn’t change. And right now, all signs pointed to Mulder.
Reclining on his couch, side by side, each with a beer in hand, an old movie playing on the tube, muted so they could talk -she drifted off to sleep, listening to him drone on about some new theory, to ridiculous to take seriously. She was aware of him pulling the covers over her after taking her shoes off, brushing her hair away from her cheek, placing a gentle kiss on her face near her mouth. She shifted her head ever so slightly to capture his lips in a slow, deep kiss - the first of many. Never hurried, a gentle exploration of each other’s mouths, savoring the different textures and tastes. His hands moved to caress her torso, sliding up to just under her breasts then back down again to just above the waistband of her jeans, afraid to overstep any more boundaries. She sensed his hesitancy and moved to embrace him to her, not giving him any room to reconsider or think about what they were doing. They both wanted to move on in there relationship but were too cowardly to do so. She had taken the first step and if he needed her to hold his hand through it all, then she would.
She placed her hand over his on her stomach and guided it a little higher to cup her breast while she moved to pull his t-shirt over his head. How many times before had she done this, seen his chest, but always before from a medical perspective, inspecting him for wounds, hazards of their occupation, then hugging him fiercely to her when none was found. Now she was hugging him for another reason altogether. Or maybe the same one, she could never get close enough to him. Suddenly she was pushing him away roughly, he backed off immediately, puzzlement and regret shining in his eyes, she sought to reassure him with her eyes as she began to tug at her shirt buttons. She started to pull furiously at it, only pausing when she saw the amusement in her partner’s eyes. "Say one word Mulder, and I swear", his lips hungrily assaulting hers cut off her words. While he kept her busy dancing with his tongue, he proceeded to remove her blouse and her plain white, functional bra. He removed his tongue from her mouth with a soft "pop" and blazed a trail down her chin to her long creamy throat down to taste her pink crested breasts. He’d longed to do this since the first case they had worked, six years before, when she’d appeared at his motel room door, wearing a red terry cloth robe over plain white cotton panties and bra. He had wanted to caress her then, as she wanted him to do now. His hands, still exploring, had moved down to unclasp her jeans, unwilling to wait any longer to discover what color panties she had on tonight. He had noticed that she had started to dress with more emphasis on her body nowadays, fitted shirts, enhancing her creamy breasts lifted in push up bras, slender fitted jeans and slacks outlining the musculature of her butt and thighs. A button, a zip, a flash of red - Mulder’s hands were shaking as he saw the wisp of red. His lips released her nipple and drew a line down her stomach to the red. Her hands were brushing through his hair; they were always brushing through his hair reluctant to ever let him go. But she had to as he lifted his head to get a better look as he tugged the jeans over her hips. Spying the little red triangle held together by strings, he drew in a shuddering breath thinking ‘Scully, you naughty girl, who knew’. He stood up to pull her jeans off completely and his as well, revealing his obvious desire for her, it excited her even more, a damp stain darkening the red fabric.
He had to taste her. She gasped as she felt his tongue trace a line along the string of the fabric; she opened her eyes and lifted her head to see what he was doing. He pushed the fabric aside and took his first taste, moaning with the pleasure of it, tasting vanilla and strawberries and her own musky ‘sculliness’. She couldn’t take much more and she wanted him inside her, although she loved the feel of his tongue on her heated flesh - there would plenty of time later to savor that. She pulled him back up to her, and clasped his tongue back into her mouth, swallowing his protests as she went. She reached between their bodies and guided him into her warmth where she knew he belonged. They both moaned at the joining, she never felt so full while he marveled at how tight she was around him. They began to move then, joining in the old age rhythm, that dance of two that is instinctual to all but as yet unexplored by them.
Words remained unspoken, communication brought down to sighs, gasps and moans, building to a blinding crescendo, murmurs, kisses; always kisses. Then they were disengaging, rolling into a comfortable position, as if there was a routine. He cradled her head in his shoulder; her face turned into his neck, placing kisses there and on his shoulder, an arm thrown over him, hugging him to her, her leg thrown over his hip in propriety. The most intimate of positions they had adopted with his wet member nestled between them, wet with her essence.
A few scant weeks in his arms abruptly ended with Mulder’s abduction along with the news that she was pregnant. She was startled at the news, considering that she was barren, a consequence of her own abduction by the government.
She struggled with the news that she was now alone and that she was pregnant. Too many things were happening at once, her hormones were raging and she was constantly crying over her partner and her need to find him was all consuming. And found him she did. But she was too late; he was dead. All that was left for her to do was to pick up the pieces of her life and prepare for the birth of her child.
Six months after they had buried him, she was awakened from a disturbed sleep by A.D. Skinner, telling her that Mulder was not actually dead. ‘Not dead’ a glimmer of hope broke into her chest as she hurried to get dressed to see for herself - not dead - she had to see for herself.
When she go into the hospital, running, breathing hard, clutching the child squirming in her. ‘It can’t be real’ "I have to see him - let me see him!" she almost screamed with quiet restraint. "Dana - you can’t" Doggett said. "I have to" she pushed past him into Mulder’s room.
She stepped lightly into the room, holding her breath and her burgeoning stomach and walked straight up to him. She put her hand on his chest to reassure her that a heartbeat was in fact there and then replaced her hand with her head. She had to hear it for her self.
She smiled at the sound while silent tears coursed down her sallow cheeks. He was alive; she would have her family after all.
But the road ahead was difficult, he was infected with an alien virus and unless she stopped it, he would become an alien himself. So she had saved his life, working tirelessly without thought to herself or their child. And she succeeded.
She sat at his bedside and held his hand waiting for a sign that she had succeeded, praying. "God, please bring him back to me, I need him" she whispered her mantra furtively. She jumped and she felt his hand twitch. "Mulder," she whispered, searching his eyes, a smile breaking out on her face. He looked back at her, perplex ion shining out of his eyes as he whispered back "who are you?"
The last words she expected to hear; dropped the smile from her face as she tried to think of an explanation as to who she was, when she heard him chuckle. ‘The devil,’ she thought’ "Jesus, Mulder, don’t do that to me!" she coughed out amidst the tears now cascading down her face. "Do you have any idea what you’ve been through?" she queried
"Only what I see in your face," he replied. She nodded and clutched his hand closer to her and laid her head back down on his chest, catching a glimpse of Agent Doggett as he unobtrusively walked back out the door.
Life progressed slowly for the pair, as they had to make the necessary adjustments from the return to life to the impending birth of their child. Of course Mulder had a hard time accepting all the changes that he was faced with, after all, six months was a long time.
He was awkward with Scully, hostile with Agent Doggett, almost territorial when it came to her and Doggett and the X-files.
And he never really acknowledged her pregnancy, except to say that he was happy for her. Happy for her, as though he had no part in it. He really vexed her, but she had learnt patience with impending motherhood, and she applied it to him whenever he acted indifferent.
But that was then and now she had a new start on life. She turned off the interstate to her destiny, for a brief weekend respite from their enforced separation. She longed to be in his arms again, to see him hold his son, to share in this miracle with her.
William was just waking, about to declare his need to be fed as she pulled into the parking space designated to the room that she’d rented. She took him out of the car in his car seat and went into the room. She set him on the floor by the bed and then returned to get their bags. After locking up the car, she headed back to the room, shouldering her way in carrying her load.
A gasp fell from her lips at the sight that met her upon entering the room. He was there, already cradling his son in his arms, looking at her with so much love. She fought the impulse to run to him. She dropped their bags on the floor by the door. "Hi Scully, you weren’t followed?" a question posed as a statement. Always Scully, never Dana, more familiar to her than her given name. He kissed William’s head keeping his eyes on her, beckoning her to him. She crossed the room and into his arms, embracing her lover and their son. William had begun to squirm, trapped as he was in their embrace, although, his mother gave him credit for enduring it as long as he did. Taking pity on him, she took him from his father and placed on the bed with a stuffed toy - Marvin the Martian. She returned to Mulder’s arms to share in a kiss, passionate and welcoming in its slow intensity, born out of the knowledge that the other was the only person in the world that they could trust.
William, remembering that he was wet and hungry, decided to demand his share of attention and let out a hearty scream. His parent’s smiled into each other and separated.
Scully stepped back from her love, reluctant to break contact but knowing it’s necessity, went over to bring the baby’s bag to the bed. She began cooing to her son as she prepared to clean him up in order to feed him. He quieted down when he realized that he was getting the attention that he sought, playfully trying to grab his mom’s hair as she bent over to remove his soiled diaper.
Mulder sat next to them and watched, feeling left out and strangely connected at the same time. Watching his partner of nearly nine years expertly changing their son’s diaper was something he never thought he’d be witnessing.
He was brought out of his reverie by a cloud of baby powder puffed into his face. He looked up startled to see Scully smiling at him. "What," he asked. "You’re staring" she replied, her eyes twinkling with the happiness of the moment. "No… I’m memorizing," he whispered, his voice breaking. Tears sprang to Scully’s eyes at his words. "When will this end Mulder? When can we be together, a family?" There was such anguish in her voice, in her eyes, that Mulder could only reach out to caress her face.
"I don’t know Scully, but we have to hold on to the hope that we will overcome this, as we’ve done every other time we’ve been challenged." His voice straining with the effort to speak these words to her. "But it’s been so hard, Mulder, doing this alone, watching my back, knowing that I can’t call you, see you. In all our challenges, Mulder, you’ve always been at my side." Tears were coursing down her face; the effort not to sob was sapping the strength from her.
All he could do was reach over and draw her into an embrace and hope his touch would be reassurance enough and feel that through the strength of their bond with each other, they would overcome the dangers of their reality that threatened to overwhelm them.
The baby started to fuss again, so Scully reached to pick him to feed him. "Do you want to feed him, Mulder?" she hesitated in the act of opening her blouse. "I’d love to Scully, but I’m not really equipped," he stated in his dry way, trying to bring the lightness of the moment back.
Scully ignored him, as she usually did when he was trying to be funny, handed the baby over and went to heat his bottle.
While the bottle was heating in the microwave in the kitchenette, she watched as her son and his father explored each other. William reached up and pulled at his father’s prominent nose, making Mulder laugh out. Liking the sound coming from the strange man, he pulled on the nose again. Mulder, recognizing the game, started to make funny noises and faces trying to get his son to giggle. Which he did, to his father’s glee.
The bottle sufficiently warmed, was handed to Mulder, who took it with trepidation, not sure how to proceed. "Put him to recline in your arms," she instructed, "with his head cradled in your elbow…yeah that’s it," she nodded when he had positioned the infant properly, "and just…she broke off as her impatient son reached for the bottle and tried to bring it to his mouth.
"Wow!" she said, "that’s the first time he’s ever done that!" She smiled into her partner’s face. Seeing the joy and wonder reflected in his eyes, her smile widened.
"You know Mulder, I’m really glad that we had the foresight to plan this meeting the day you had to leave," she spoke at last, breaking the focus on the sight of their son sucking on his bottle. "I’ve been looking forward to it every day since." She hesitated, somehow irrationally fearing that he wouldn’t feel the same.
"I’ve missed you so much Scully", the tenderness in his voice caught her by surprise, she searched his eyes with breath held and it left her body with a whoosh at his next words. "I would have found a way for us to meet if we hadn’t."
"I know," she said simply, glad that he felt the same way that she did.
William chose that moment to release the nipple of his bottle and coo up at his daddy.
Mulder giggled then, a sound that reminded Scully of the boy that he could be, and adjusted his son over his shoulder to burp. He scooted up to the bed head to lean back, and then opened his arms in invitation to Scully.
Without hesitation, she scooted up the bed and snuggled into his arms, one arm behind his shoulders, another rubbing theirs son’s back. "Everything will be alright son," she said the words that she always said to him after his feedings, but this time - she believed.