Title: Shattered Dreams
Author: Amy Forrester
E-mail Address: ThrillHouse@msn.com OR AmyF1013@yahoo.com
Rating: PG
Category: SRA, character dies
Time span:  All the way through the 4th season 
Spoilers: None
Keywords: Mulder/Scully married
Disclaimer: Okay, you know the drill. I don't own Fox Mulder or Dana
Scully, those FOX executive guys own them, along with 1013 productions, 
and our very own in-the-closet-shipper, Chris Carter :-)    

Summary:  Mulder and Scully's fifth anniversary ends in tragedy, and the
two remaining in the family must learn to live with this loss. 

Note: This story has a few references to my first story "I Should
Have Told You". I don't consider it a sequel, however, because it's a
minor part of the story. I'd like to thank Arwen for reading this
story and helping me come up with a title. You're the best!! Oh, and
three words for everyone who reads this story: FEEDBACK, FEEDBACK,
FEEDBACK! I really would like to know what you think. Anything at all
:-) ThanX!

   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dana Scully pulled up in front of the welcoming two-story home. As
she brought the car to a halt, she glanced over at her angelic
daughter, Kristen Marie, sound asleep in her car seat in the back.
Dana walked out and opened the door in the back. She gently unbuckled
the sleeping child, and lifted her into her arms.

"We're home, Kristie," Dana murmured softly. 

Kristie didn't respond, but merely snuggled closer in her mother's
arms.

Dana looked down affectionately at her beautiful daughter, and walked
to the front door. Once inside, she set Kristie down in her crib,
switched on the baby monitor, and left the room. She looked outside
in dismay to see her gardenias wilting along the walkway to the
entry. I'll have to plant some new ones, she thought. Dana stopped in
her tracks, almost laughing. Who would've thought that she, Ms.
I'm-a-woman-of-the-nineties-and-don't-need-the-help-of-others would
be so involved with her gardening? Dana sighed amusedly, and walked
out into the family room, fully intending to use the rare moment of
solitude to just relax. Dana sat down on the couch and leaned back
contentedly. She still felt as if she was dreaming, that any moment
now, she would wake up from this wonderful dream. She was living in a
beautiful, warm, two-story home in a desirable neighborhood. She had
a beautiful two-year-old daughter, and the most caring, loving,
wonderful husband in existence.

Dana smiled broadly, her eyes sparkling, upon thinking of Mulder.
Dana was not one for superstitious things like fate or "inner
connections" herself, but she was sure that at least one of those
elements was involved in bringing her to her soul mate. Through the
years, she had grown to care and love him like she had no other, and
he as well felt the same love. As she looked around the room, her
eyes fell upon their wedding portrait on their mantle.

Dana walked over to the mantle and lifted the frame from off the
smooth marble. It truly was a beautiful picture. Their hands were
clasped in one another's, and both were smiling happily, looking into
each other's eyes. Even in the picture, the true and immense love
they shared was obvious. Dana's dress was truly beautiful, her mother
and her had bought it together, and just upon looking at it, they
knew it was 'the' dress. The sleeves were slightly off the shoulder,
and Dana was wearing a glittering brooch. The fitted bodice of the
dress was a soft satin with lace that formed a slight 'v' at the
waist. The skirt was full and also satin with lace, with a long train
reaching out far behind Dana's small frame. Dana's gold cross lay
perfectly center on her chest. Mulder, too, looked absolutely
stunning in a traditional black tuxedo. His usually unkempt hair was
perfectly in place, and his happiness lit up his whole face.

Dana heard a car door slam from outside. She smiled and placed the
picture back on the mantle.

Mulder let himself in the front door. "Scully?" he called. 

Dana smiled. How many married couples called each other by their last
names?

She met him in the entryway. "Hello!" she answered cheerily, wrapping
her arms around his neck.

He kissed her affectionately on the cheek, and pushed back a stray
lock of her radiant red hair. "How are you?" he asked.

"Wonderful," she answered. "I went to the doctor's today." 

"And?" he asked, taking her hand in his as they walked to the couch. 

"Still nothing. And if it stays that way for another few weeks, I'll
be officially cured."

"Oh Dana," he said, taking her in his arms once more, "That's
wonderful." He pulled away. "Oh, I know this is off the subject, but
did you call the Caldwells?"

Scully nodded. "Lindsey will be here at 6:00." Scully glanced at the
clock, and stood, "Which gives me only an hour and a half to get
ready, and wake up Kristie and feed her."

"You go wake her up, and I'll take care of her dinner." 

Scully smiled with gratitude, and kissed him. "Thanks," she said, and
went to wake Kristie.

Mulder and smiled and stood. He walked into the kitchen and draped
his suit jacket over one of the chairs. When he did so, one of his
business cards fluttered to the floor. He picked it up and read: "Dr.
Fox Mulder, Psychiatrist M.D. Meadowlark, New Jersey (214)555-8273".
He had been a psychiatrist for 7 years now. It had been 5 years ago
that day that he and Scully were married, and the two years he had
been without her had been endless. But at that time, leaving her and
breaking their engagement and seemed like the right thing to do. He
had felt it was the only way to keep her safe. He felt like he was a
bad luck charm to those he loved, in that he had lost nearly everyone
he had loved, and he didn't, under any circumstances, want to lose
her. But Scully had found him, after quitting the X-files and finding
out that her cancer was in remission, and convinced him otherwise. He
treasured that day in which she came back into his life.

"Daddy!" a tiny voice cried. 

Mulder turned around and picked up the smiling little girl. "Hi,
sweetie! How are you?" he smiled, tickling her stomach.

Kristie let out a squeal of delight. "I'm hungry!" she answered. 

Mulder set her down in her high chair, and ruffled her brown hair
that glinted auburn while in the sun.

Scully walked in. "Mulder, I'm going to get ready. Is everything all
right?"

Mulder placed a small plate of spaghetti in front of Kristie and
smiled. "Yep," he answered.

Scully suppressed a laugh. Did Mulder actually think he could feed a
two year old spaghetti without dirtying his white shirt? She shook
her head and walked up stairs to get ready.

   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Mulder trudged up the stairs, looking down at his once white dress
shirt in dismay. What was he thinking, feeding a two-year-old
spaghetti in the first place?

"Scully!" he called upon entering the master bedroom. "Do you know
where my other-" he stopped when he saw the clean, white dress shirt
already lying on the king-sized bed. He chuckled, already seeing the
amused smile Scully would have on her face. The bathroom door swung
open, and sure enough, she was standing there with that smile on her
face. Her hair was pulled back in a sparkling barrette, and she
looked stunning. She wore a short, navy blue dress, with a matching,
small jacket with glittering beads of gold and silver sewn into it.

"You look beautiful, Scully," Mulder said softly. 

Scully felt herself blush. "Thank you," she said. Suddenly, the
doorbell rang. "Oh, that must be Lindsey," Scully said and went
downstairs to answer the door.

"Hello, Lindsey," Scully said warmly when she opened the door. 

"Hi, Mrs. Mulder! Wow, you look fantastic!" Lindsey said
enthusiastically. In the five years that Mulder and Scully had lived
in their Meadowlark home, they had become good friends with the
Caldwells, and Lindsey babysat for them often.

"Thanks for coming on such short notice," Scully said. 

Lindsey entered inside, straightening her shoulder length brown hair.
"Oh, it's no problem. I love Kristie, and there are some CD's I'm
saving up for."

"Weren't you saving up for a car last week?" Scully asked. 

"Yeah," Lindsey blushed, "But I spent what relatively little money I
had on a sweater."

"Lindsey!" Kristie rushed into the room and hugged Lindsey's leg. 

"Hi sweetie!" Lindsey said, patting Kristie's head. Just then,
Mulder, dressed in a nicer suit, came down the stairs. He greeted
Lindsey and told Scully it was time to go.

"You know our rules for Kristie, Lindsey. She's already eaten, and
she has a movie to watch until bedtime." Scully leaned down and
hugged Kristie. "Bye, sweetheart. Have fun!"

Mulder leaned down, too, and kissed her good-bye. "We love you,
Kristie."

Kristie smiled, and Lindsey picked her up. "You two have a great
time! Happy anniversary!"

Mulder and Scully left and drove to the restaurant.

   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Later that night, the two sat hand in hand at the fancy restaurant. 

"I can't believe we've only been married five years," Scully said. "I
feel like I've known you forever."

Mulder smiled. "I know. I feel the same way. But then I think that if
so many wonderful things have happened, and so much love has been
shared in five short years, think how much more will happen in the
rest of our lives."

Scully smiled as well. "I know. I'm looking forward to raising
Kristie with you, and loving you for so many more years. Mulder, I've
never been so happy in my life as I am with you."

Mulder stroked her cheek with his free hand. "I love you," he said
affectionately.

Scully's eyes filled with tears. "I love you too," she said softly. 

They sat there, perfectly happy just staring into one another's eyes.

   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"This has been a wonderful evening, Mulder," she said as they were
driving home.

"It has been, hasn't it?" He paused. "But I feel bad, because I
didn't have a present to give you."

Scully looked up at him. "Oh Mulder, this whole evening was a
present. And the love I feel from you, and knowing I'm going to spend
the rest of my life with you, is the best present anyone can give me.

Mulder kept one hand on the steering wheel, and clasped Scully's with
the other. "Right back at 'ya," he said, his voice thick with tears.

Suddenly, a car rushed into their path, it's headlights blinding as
it rushed head on towards them. Mulder swerved and Scully screamed,
but her screams were soon drowned out by the deafening sound of
breaking glass and the sickening crunch of metal. Then everything
went black.

   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Scully awoke in the hospital shortly after arriving. A nurse was at
her bedside, writing in her chart when she awoke.

"Hello, Dana," she said softly. "I'm Nurse Whitman. How are you
feeling?"

Scully sat herself up, squinting in the harsh fluorescent lighting.
"Groggy. And my head hurts. What happened?"

"You were in a car accident, Dana, just two hours ago. You were hit
by a drunk driver who died on impact. Do you remember anything?"
Nurse Whitman asked.

Dana's memories of that night came flooding back to her. It was their
anniversary. Kristie was at home. She and Mulder went out to dinner,
and were driving home, when that car hit. She had screamed. Mulder
had swerved. Mulder. Where was he?

Scully jerked her head up. "My husband, Fox Mulder. Where is he? Is
he okay?" she asked anxiously.

Nurse Whitman took her hand. "He suffered more than a bump to the
head, like you. He's currently in ICU in critical condition," she
said sympathetically.

Dana could've sworn her heart stopped for a moment. "I need to see
him," she said, hopping out of her bed.

"Mrs. Mulder, you can't leave," Nurse Whitman said, trying to lead
back to the bed.

"I need to see him!" Scully shouted. "Is there a robe or something I
can wear over this?" she said, referring to her hospital gown.

Nurse Whitman reluctantly handed her a coarse robe from the small
bedside table.

Scully left the room, and walked shakily to the ICU. Once there, upon
seeing Mulder lying there, unconscious and immobile, she doubled over
in emotional pain.

"Oh my God," she muttered, her voice quivery. 

Oh God, please, she begged. Not Mulder. 

She felt intense waves of nausea wash over her, and stumbled towards
a chair. As she sat there, clutching the chair for dear life because
of the dizziness that had overcome her, another doctor approached
her.

"Mrs. Mulder?" this new doctor asked, Dr. Myers. 

Scully looked up, her face pale with shock. 

"We've been informed that you are Mr. Mulder's only family besides
your daughter. Is that correct?" he asked.

Scully nodded, remembering when his mother had died four years
earlier.

"If you would come into my office so we could talk," he held out his
hand. Scully took it, and walked into his office.

"I understand that you are also a patient here," he said, once
inside. "How are you feeling?"

"My head's a little sore. But aside from that, I think I'm all
right," she said.

"You were very lucky, with only a bump to the head, and some
scratches and bruises" he looked at her sympathetically, and
continued in a softer voice. "I'm afraid I can't say the same for
your husband."

Scully looked up at the doctor, unable to speak. 

"We're not receiving any brain waves from him, and haven't for the
last hour or so. The only thing that's keeping him alive are those
machines," he said, pointing to the apparatuses surrounding Mulder in
that small room.

"According to his living will," Dr. Meyers said picking up some
papers, "Under these conditions, he does not wish to remain on life
support."

Scully closed her eyes and nodded, knowing full well that she had
been the witness, and her signature was just below his on the dotted
line.

Scully knew what she had to say. Her throat was dry, she felt like no
words could come out. It's only three words, Dana, she thought. Just
say it. But those three words would cause such an impact on her
daughter's life and hers. So many thoughts when through her head. How
can I live without that smile? How can I live without that undying
love? How can I live without his kindness, his humor, his passions?
How can I live without him?

Maybe it's not over yet, she thought. Maybe there will be a miracle,
like my cancer. Maybe there's still hope. Scully knew, though, with
her background in science, that there was no hope for her husband,
that he was as good as dead already, and that those machines were
merely creating the illusion of life.

 Scully closed her eyes and took in a shaky breath. She mustered all
the energy and will power she had inside of her, and uttered those
three words that would change her life forever.

"Let him go," she whimpered. 

Dr. Meyers nodded, and left the office. 

Dana sagged against the chair, as if all the life had been drained
out of her. Another nurse entered.

"Mrs. Mulder? Would you like to be there when he passes on?" she
asked sympathetically.

Dana looked up and nodded. She stood herself up and walked into the
Mulder's room.

"If you could give me just a few moments with him," Scully said,
choking back her tears.

Dr. Meyer's nodded and left the room. Scully stared at his body. 

"Mulder," she said, "I know you can't hear me, but I'm here. And I
love you. I need you to know that you are and always will be the most
important person in my life," her voice broke, but she continued on.
"Mulder, I have loved you ever since our first case together. I was
so intrigued by your intense passion and tenacity. I've trusted you
with my heart and with my soul. You are my best-friend in the world,
and will always be, even as you enter into another," a sob escaped
from her lips, and she gently took hold of his hand, "But I have to
let you go, because I know that you don't want to live like this, and
you would've done the same for me. And though it's the hardest thing
for me to do, I'm going to do it, because you're my best-friend, and
I love you." Dr. Meyers reentered the room, and Scully nodded towards
him. She climbed into bed beside Mulder, her arms wrapped around him.

Dr. Meyers turned off the machine's keeping her husband alive, and
left the room once more.

"Go in peace, my love," Scully murmured as Mulder left the world she
knew.

   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Scully walked into her house, still in a daze. She had stayed beside
Mulder for another hour, and then they released her from the
hospital. She glanced up at the clock, which read 3:50 A.M. Scully
trudged into the family room, and was surprised to find Lindsey, Mr.
and Mrs. Caldwell all sitting there.

"Dana," Mrs. Caldwell, her face filled with worry. "Lindsey called us
when the police called her. Are you all right?"

Dana looked down, feeling too weak to talk. She managed to speak a
little though. She owed the family that much for staying so long.
"I'm fine," Dana said, "I've only got a bump on my head and a few
bruises. But Mulder," she let out a sob, then quickly regained what
little control she had, "Mulder died around 2:30 this morning."

Lindsey covered her mouth in shock and fell into her father's arms.
Mrs. Caldwell's eyes welled up with tears as she took Scully into her
arms.

"Oh Dana," Mrs. Caldwell whispered through her own tears, "I'm so
sorry. If there's anything I could-" Dana pulled away, shaking her
head.

"Thank you," she choked out. "Is Kristie sleeping?" 

Lindsey looked up and nodded her head, her eyes already puffy and
red. "I didn't wake her when the police called."

For that, Scully was grateful. At least now, she had more time to
figure out a way to tell her innocent daughter that her father was
dead.

"Would you like us to stay for a while?" Mr. Caldwell asked. 

"Oh no, you can go home. Thank you for coming," Dana walked them to
the door.

Mrs. Caldwell hugged her one last time. "We're right next door, Dana.
If you need anything at all, our door is always open to you."

Dana nodded, and closed the door behind them. She walked upstairs,
and into Kristie's room. She walked slowly and quietly over to her
crib, not wanting to wake her. Kristie looked like an angel, her
eyelids covering her big eyes, her thumb lodged comfortably in her
mouth.

The image was too much for Dana, and she left the room quickly,
afraid her sobs would wake her angelic daughter. Once she was in her
room, she lay on her bed, running her hand across the side that would
now remain empty. She turned over, unable to look. Maybe when she
rolled over again, he would be there, lying with the covers up to his
neck, snoring softly. And it would all be a bad dream. But when she
turned over again, he wasn't there. And he would never be there
beside her again.

"Mulder?" she called out softly, so her daughter couldn't hear her
through her doors. "Mulder, can you hear me?" she curled up into a
fetal position, her face crumpling. "Mulder, please," she begged, her
voice high from the tears. "Mulder!" she sobbed, but her sobs were
muffled by her pillow. She cried for hours, her body wracked with
sobs, until her body became too weak, her eyelids refused to remain
open. "Please don't leave me," she whispered in a high voice as she
fell into a deep sleep.

   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

The next morning, Dana awoke to the sounds of her daughter talking
happily to herself through the baby monitor. Dana looked over at the
other side of her bed, which was still unoccupied. So this really is
happening, Scully thought. Dana knew what had to be done. She quickly
composed herself and walked into her daughter's room.

"Hi, Mommy!" Kristie said cheerily, opening her arms. 

Dana smiled weakly, and picked her up. "Hello, Angel." 

"Mommy, where's Daddy? He didn't come and say hi to me this morning,"
she jutted out her lower lip in a pout.

"Sweetie," Dana said, sitting down in the rocker she had put in her
daughter's room. "There was an accident last night."

"An acc-i-dent?" Kristie asked, struggling to pronounce the word. 

"Yes," Scully said, "Another car hit your Daddy's and my car. The man
in the other car shouldn't have been driving, because he had been
drinking some things that you aren't supposed to drink when you
drive," Scully looked into her daughter's big hazel eyes. They were
just as captivating as Mulder's once were. Kristie stared up at her
mother intently.

"Kristie, when the man hit our car, it hurt both me and your daddy.
It gave me a bump on my head," Dana said, pointing to the swollen
spot just below her hair line, "But your Daddy was hurt badly. And he
died last night," Scully felt her eyes well up with tears.

"What does that mean?" Kristie asked, her lower lip trembling,
already knowing that dying wasn't a good thing.

"It means that he's asleep, and he's not going to wake up, honey,"
Dana said, some tears escaping down her cheek.

"But I don't want him to sleep forever," Kristie whimpered. 

"I know, Kristie," her voice shaking, "But there's nothing we can
do."

Kristie began to cry. 

"Oh, honey," Scully hugged her tighter, letting her own tears flow
freely down her face. "I know it's sad. It's okay to cry."

Kristie rubbed her eyes, tears still wet on her face, "There isn't
anything I can do to bring him back?" Kristie whimpered.

"No, sweetie. I'm sorry. There's nothing anyone can do," Scully
whispered, trying to maintain some composure.

The look of hopelessness, confusion, and utter betrayal was evident
on Kristie's face. Scully felt for her daughter, finding it
impossible to even imagine how awful it must have been to find, at
such a young age, that the world isn't always happy, and joy can turn
to grief in a short moment. How awful it must've been to be so young,
and lose all faith and trust in the world.

Mother and daughter sat together in the rocker, holding on to each
other for dear life.

   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

One Week Later

 

The day was sunny and crisp on the day of Mulder's funeral. The sun
seemed to be mocking Scully, as its brilliant rays of light danced
all around her. The weather didn't seem right for a funeral.

The Caldwells very nicely offered to drive her and Kristie to the
service, and Dana took the offer thankfully. The family had been
wonderful the past week. Sometimes, while the family was visiting,
the grief would become to much for Scully, and she would break down
right in front of them. Lindsey had always done well at diverting
Kristie's attention from this, always keeping her out of the room as
not to upset her. And for that, Scully was immensely grateful.

Scully was in a daze all throughout the funeral. She didn't avert her
eyes once from the coffin. She was unhearing to any kind words anyone
may of said, she didn't feel any sympathetic hugs or gestures.

Kristie had handled it well, though Scully was sure that she didn't
quite understand the whole service. Scully didn't think that Kristie
really knew that she would never see her father again. At the end of
the service, Kristie walked cautiously up to the coffin, clutching a
small rose without any thorns in her tiny hands. She laid it gingerly
on the coffin, then lowered her head down on to the cool, smooth
wood. "I love you, Daddy," she murmured, then walked away, grabbing
Scully's hand once more. Scully let her tears flow freely as they
lowered his coffin into the ground.

Later that evening, after the Caldwells had gone home, Scully sat
before the fire, holding their wedding portrait in her hands. Her
tears splashed against it's frame as her grief and anger grew.

God, she asked, why Mulder? Why did you take away the one person who
had made me feel as if I could fly? Why did you take away this
feeling of love and happiness and give me in it's place, a feeling of
hopelessness and despair?

Scully let out a tiny sob. Now what? she asked herself. How do I
begin again? Life before she had met Mulder was a blur, she didn't
know how she made it day to day. She'd forgotten long ago how to live
her life without him in it.

"God," Scully spoke out loud, "I really need your help on this one,"
her tears slid slowly down her cheeks. "I'm going to need you to help
me get through life day to day without him. Please give me the
strength to make it through the rest of my life without him by my
side."

Another tear dropped onto the picture. 

"Mommy?" Scully heard her daughter's timid voice. 

Scully placed the picture on the couch, "Hi, Kristie. Do you want to
sit with me?" Scully opened her arms to her daughter, who scrambled
into her embrace eagerly.

"I miss Daddy, Mommy," Kristie said simply. 

Scully hugged Kristie's tiny frame, and felt an oncoming rush of
tears, "I know," Scully said, her voice thick. "I miss him too,
honey, very much," Scully gently pulled away from Kristie, and looked
her in the eye. "But you know what? Daddy's with the angels now in
heaven. And he'll always be watching over you. He'll be right beside
you as grow up, and even though you can't see him or hear him, he's
always there. And he'll always love you."

"Will he be with you, too, Mommy?" Kristie snuggled back into her
mother's embrace.

It was at that moment, that Scully suddenly felt a resurgence of hope
and love, and though she couldn't see him, she knew that Mulder's
sprit was in that room beside them. Scully heard his voice, strong
yet comforting, as he uttered one word, "Always." It was then that
Scully realized the true meaning of soul mate, that as long as her
soul remained down on earth, his soul would remain right beside her.

"Will he, Mommy?" Kristie looked up at her mother. 

Scully looked pulled looked up at the sky and whispered, "Always."

   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


What did you think???? Opinions?? Comments?? Anything?? Just e-mail
me at ThrillHouse@msn.com ThanX!!



Title: Shattered Dreams II: Waking From the Nightmare "

Dana Scully awoke from her fitful sleep with a gasp. "Don't leave
me," she breathed. As her eyes came into focus, she realized she had
only been dreaming. "Christ," Dana whispered, and climbed shakily out
of her bed.

As she walked into her bathroom, she struggled to remember this last
dream. It had been about Mulder. They had been together again. She
remembered feeling his presence. His arms, strong and warm, had
encircled her tiny body as they had before the accident. Then,
slowly, he had drifted away from her. Dana couldn't follow. She
remained frozen in her position, her arms still outstretched. Longing
for that love she had cherished so much for the five short years they
had been married. Scully looked over her shoulder at the side of her
bed that had remained empty for the last three months.

She pulled on her bathrobe, and left her room, knowing full well she
wouldn't be getting anymore sleep that night. She paused in the
hallway to check on her daughter, and was relieved to find Kristie
sleeping soundly.

Scully crept down the stairs, and out onto the front porch. She
tugged her bathrobe closer to her body as she sat on the steps.
Alone. A feeling that had become all to familiar to her as the last
few months had progressed. She knew she had Kristie, and the
Caldwells, but Krisite was much too young to understand her grief,
and Scully was embarrassed that she had let her independent, strong
persona waver in front of the family. Falling apart in front of
others just wasn't to her liking, even under such dire circumstances
as the death of her husband, partner, and best friend.

Scully raised her eyes upward, and focused on the twinkling lights of
the stars. She smiled weakly, remembering that night when she and
Mulder had looked at the same stars. <"Is this seat taken?" she had
asked. "No, but I must warn you I have violent tendencies." "I'll
take my chances."> She had made it her business to be strong for
everyone. For Kristie, for the Caldwells, and all the others who had
cared about her or Mulder. After the funeral, she didn't allow
herself to fall apart like she had in front of the Caldwells and
Kristie. After the funeral, she hadn't allowed herself to cry, not
even in solitude. But now, as she watched those stars without him by
her side, her soul cried.

"Mulder," she whimpered softly, "I don't know how much longer I can
go on."

Dana still didn't know how to live without him. She'd forgotten how
to be happy when he wasn't there. She'd forgotten how to laugh and
smile without him. She didn't know how to find any joy in life
without him in it. Dana felt a crushing weight hit her heart. Every
thought she had about him, and life before he had died, broke her
heart. She could feel the pain in her chest, as if her heart were
physically breaking.

"I don't know if my heart can go on," she whispered softly through a
voice thick with tears.

A truer sentiment I have never heard, Dana thought to herself. When
Mulder died, he had taken her heart with him. He had taken her very
reason to live. She thought of Kristie. She loved Kristie as much as
any mother would love a child, and she had done all she could to
create a happy, loving, environment for her only daughter. But her
maternal instincts were clouded by grief, and she failed to find
comfort in her daughters vision. Scully felt as if she had nothing.
Nothing to live for. Not anything that could carry on her and
Mulder's love. Nothing through which their love could go on. And as
she lowered her eyes from the comforting vision of the sparkling
stars, she'd never felt so alone in her life.

   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The next day, Scully walked Kristie over to the Caldwells house in
silence.

"Where are we going, Mommy?" Kristie asked innocently. 

"To the Caldwells," Scully answered not looking down at her daughter,
knowing full well that if she did, she wouldn't be able to do what
she had planned.

"Why?" Kristie asked. 

"Mommy has some things do," Scully answered as she knocked on the
Caldwells front door.

Mrs. Caldwell answered. "Hello, Dana," she said warmly, and waved her
and Kristie inside the comfortable home.

"Shannon, I know this is short notice, but can you watch Kristie for
me? Something came up with a friend," Scully said, avoiding Shannon
Caldwell's eyes.

"Of course I can," Shannon said, taking Kristie's other hand. "Is
everything all right?"

Dana looked away, "Yes, they just need to see me right away." 

Shannon looked concerned, but said okay. 

Scully bent down and hugged Kristie, "Goodbye, darling. You know
Mommy loves you right?"

Kristie nodded emphatically. 

Scully felt a lump rise in her throat, but forced herself out the
door. She knew she couldn't go on without Mulder.

   ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As Scully drove along the rural, secluded road, she glanced at the
gun that lay on the passenger seat. She shivered as a wave of icy
coldness swept over her. Her radio was playing, and it's music calmed
her nerves somewhat in anticipation of what she was about to do. She
looked around, and satisfied that there wasn't much traffic, she
pulled over to the side of the road. She kept the radio on, finding
the music comforting as she prepared herself for what she was about
to do. She leaned over and picked up the note she had written hastily
the last night. My suicide note, she thought wryly. She quickly read
it over:

"To those I've left behind: 
I'm sorry to leave this world in this manner, but I can't go on
without Mulder. I have nothing to live for, and I find no joy in life
without him in it. Please tell Kristie I love her, and that Mulder
and I will watch over her in heaven.
Dana"

The note was short, she knew, but it was all she could bring herself
to write. She reached over tentatively and picked up the gun. Her
fingers shook around the base of the smooth, cool metal. You
shouldn't do this, one side of her said.

You can't live with that pain, the other side of her said. Your heart
can't go on without his presence. You can't go on without him. You'll
never feel his love again, he'll never be with you again, and you
can't live like that.

Dana thought back to the day after his funeral. She had believed that
she had felt his presence, and that as long as they were soul mates,
his soul would always be with hers.

If his soul was with mine, I wouldn't be hurting this much, she
thought. The only way we can be together is if I join him.

No Dana! her other side spoke again. You can't do this! 

Shut up! she screamed inside, and turned the volume of the radio on
full blast to drown out her thoughts.

As she raised the gun to her temple, a soft song began to play on the
radio. Scully placed her finger on the trigger as the words filled
the car:

Every night in my dreams I see you, 
I feel you, that is how I know you go on 
Far across the distance and spaces between us, 
you have come to show you go on

<Scully paused as she thought of her own dreams with Mulder in it.
Was he trying to show her he could go on even after death?>

Near, far, wherever you are 
I believe that the heart does go on. 
Once more, you open the door, 
and you're here in my heart 
and my heart will go on and on

<Scully loosened her grip on the gun as she let the words sink in.
Could she go on? Could her heart survive?>

Love can touch us one time, 
and last for a lifetime,
and never let go till we're gone. 

Love was when I loved you, 
one true time I hold to, in my life 
we'll always go on

<A tear slowly trickled down Scully's cheek, the gun still resting
against her temple. Mulder was her only love. The grief was
encompassing her slowly. But that one line struck her intensely.
Maybe, in my life, I can hold on to our love>

Near, far, wherever you are 
I believe that the heart does go on. 
Once more, you open the door, 
and you're here in my heart 
and my heart will go on and on

<Scully tightened her grip on the gun, as the grief became nearly
unbearable. "Oh God, Mulder," she whimpered. "I need you more than
ever.">

You're here, 
there's nothing I fear, 
and I know that my heart will go on"

<The lump in Scully's throat dissolved, and she unconsciously lowered
the gun from her head. She felt a resurgence of hope, and somehow she
knew Mulder's soul was with her>

We'll stay forever this way. 
You are safe in my heart 
and my heart will go on and on

The song faded out as Scully lowered the gun back onto the seat. She
realized that their love would go on through her life, as long as she
loved him. She realized that Kristie would carry on their legacy, as
she was a direct product of their love.

Scully stepped out of the car, and threw the gun as far as she could
into the open field next to the road.

She looked up at the sky once again and murmured, "I love you Mulder.
And I will go on."
 
The End