Title: Mommy's Little Girl Authors: Nicole M, Melissa W, Nantana J, and Larry D Written: November 18th 1995 Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. Lots of characters are mentioned that are not ours. We just borrowed them for this brief jaunt into the bizzare. Authors' Note: Imagine: Four Young Chemists are having a Serious Discussion. It's Friday night and they are in the local Steak 'N' Shake (Food before the X-files, not during). The topic under discussion is the unscientific portions of Arnold Schwachanegger's (sp?) 'Junior'. One chemist says, no way!! One laughs around a mouthful of cheese fries. And the other two say something about the whole point being a pregnant Schwachanegger (sp?). Et, viola, "Mommy's Little Girl" is born. ******************************************************************** Mulder checked the feeder on the fish, made sure the VCR was set for the Playboy special, and hoped the pizza would last. He didn't have time to dump the leftovers. He grabbed the duffel bag sitting by the door and hurried out of his apartment. In just a few hours, he would be on a beach socializing with scantily clad women and showing off his new speedos. The only thing he had to do was make it to the airport on time. He tried to stretch his legs. They were cramped and had fallen asleep on him. There was also a crink in his neck. He really hated falling asleep on airplanes. He opened his eyes, hoping to see the short, red-headed stewardess he had been dreaming about. Instead, he saw a hospital room. Had he gotten injured again? Where was Scully then? He swung his head around as he heard, "Ah, good. He's awake." Oh- oh. That did not sound good. "Who are you and where am I?" A small, silvery gray shape emerged from the shadows. "I am Toom, no relation to Eugene, and you are on our ship." The voice was high and child like, but the being wore a lab coat. Oh-oh. "Your ship? Did you abduct me?" Toom shook her head at the excitement she heard in the human's voice. They were such a strange lot. "No. I was told you came willingly in exchange for a ... favor." Mulder's mind raced. Favor? What kind of favor? Oh-oh. "May I ask what I said I would do?" "Well yes, of course. Nancy will tell you." Toom motioned to one of the other shadows out of his field of vision. "Nancy explain to Mulder what the favor he will do is." This alien looked much like the other one, except she would mutter a "Narf" at least once during each of her sentences. "You, Narf, are to bear a child." Mulder started choking. "I don't think that's possible." Did he say that? "Of course, Narf, it's possible. We are a much more, Narf, advanced race, Point, and that is the way, Narf, that our species reproduces." "I agreed to this? Just to see your ship?" "Nancy, finish the explanation before you start the procedure," Another voice ordered as Nancy tried to reach for Mulder's buttons. "Yes, finish the explanation. I don't remember agreeing to this." Nancy's hands were quick and had his jacket off of him before the third alien stopped her. "Nancy," she said forcefully and slapped the alien's hand. "Niki never lets me have any fun, Point." Nancy pouted and crossed her arms. Toom snickered, and Mulder felt like he had entered a female version of the Three Stooges. "The explanation," he prompted. "Yes. You agreed to the procedure in exchange for proof of our presence on your planet," Niki said and started typing into the computer. Mulder's jaw dropped. He could now believe he had agreed to this. Proof in exchange for a pregnancy. Scully was not going to like this. "I did? So who is the father and do I get to chose the position?" Niki now sent the glare at Mulder. "Do you have a preference of the second set of DNA?" "As long as it's not Krychek, Phoebe, Skinner, the Lone Gunmen, Cancerman, a military person, a politician . . ." Niki furiously typed the parameters into the computer as Mulder's list continued. When he finally stopped, there were only two candidates out of billions. This guy was picky. She did the only logical thing at this point and flipped a coin. She snickered at the choice and pointed to the screen so her friends could see. Nancy "Narfed" loudly and Toom's eyes scrunched into nothing as she giggled. "The DNA selection has been made. Do you have a sex preference?" Niki slapped Nancy's hand again. Then Niki preceded to hit the side of her own head and said "OUT!" Toom giggled. Mulder shook his head and watched the three as they finished their preparations. The things he would do to get proof. Mulder started having second thoughts as the Lurch of the spaceship came into the room carrying a very weird contraption. Mulder paled as Niki explained, "This is the artificial womb that we have generated for you. The gestation rate is going to be accelerated. We know that you have to be back in six days." 'Well at least I won't be pregnant for a full nine months,' was his last thought right before the "Narf" sounded again. He opened his eyes to see the Three Stooges and Lurch staring down at him. He felt like he was going to violently ill. Lurch, Niki, and Toom jumped back as he turned green. Niki pulled Nancy out of range just in time. "Well, you are now one hour pregnant. How do you feel?" Mulder just glared and lay back cradling his stomach. "How long is this going to last?" he asked shallowly trying to breathe through his mouth. "Narf, probably the whole time, Point." The Three Stooges and Lurch left after they led him to a more comfortable looking room. Mulder groaned in misery as every cell in his body became sensitized. He laid down on the bed after he removed his shirt. He felt like someone had taken a 2x4 to his pecs. He tried to fall asleep. Maybe that would help. First he couldn't get comfortable. The nausea wasn't going away, his bladder felt full even though it was empty and he felt like he was going to cry. Finally he fell asleep. The swirling images were enough to make him a permanent insomniac and a vegetarian. He was hungry. Very hungry and the only thing around was that furry rat that Scully had inherited. He woke up as he bit into the roasted leg of the furry rat and promptly threw up. No sooner was he done when he went in search of a mustard and grape jelly sandwich. The Three Stooges all gagged at the concoction of that and various healthy foods that he was ingesting. Lurch nodded his head in empathy. "My two children had me craving gold fish and jalopenos." He handed Mulder a small bottle. "This will help the stretch marks." Stretch marks? What had he gotten himself into? He started back to his room and was led back to the hospital room. "Why?" "It's time for your first trimester check up," Toom explained. "But it hasn't been even been 12 hours." "Accelerated, Narf, gestation." Nancy reminded him. Mulder paled as he realized he'd be in labor in another 24 hours. He couldn't sleep. The last nightmare was more than enough for him to deal with, plus the skin across his stomach felt like it was about to pop open. He rubbed the stuff Lurch had given him into the faint lines that were developing. Twelve more hours to go. He didn't know if he would last. Not only was the skin across his stomach tight, but the area around his nipples hurt if he breathed too deeply. He practically lived in the bathroom between the bladder thing and the nausea. And now his legs felt like they were losing all of their circulation. He tried to read some of the material the Three Stooges had given him, but the baby had been doing somersaults for the past three hours. He had finally drifted off for what he knew would be nothing more than a short catnap. Well maybe just a catwink. His eyes crossed at the wave of pain. His breath caught and he panicked. He hit the console that Toom said would contact them. The Three Stooges came bustling in, tripping over each other. "It's too soon," they chanted like a mantra. Lurch breezed in and felt the tautness of Mulder's belly. "It's just Braxton-Hicks contractions. Go back to sleep." He ordered the three smaller aliens. "Women. If they were to have the children, there would be none. They wouldn't last one menstrual cycle." Mulder seriously wished it was just a menstrual cycle he had agreed to. The actual labor was a relief. They had to make modifications for the birth. C-section, definitely. Lurch wanted him to experience the naturalness of the act. Mulder screamed loudly that this was not natural. He wanted Scully. Where was Scully?! Purple fuzzies entered his brain and he heard inhuman screaming. He figured it was him, but the purple fuzzies were doing a striptease. He was in labor and he was thinking about sex? Lurch had tears in his eyes and he brought the squalling blanket over to Mulder. "Here is your daughter," he said and placed the thing on Mulder's chest. He had no clue how long he had been out. The baby definitely looked larger than newborn. Well different from what he had seen on TV. He stared into the big blue eyes that were watching him as she tilted her head to the side. "Hello, Katherine Samantha Mulder." The baby let out a howl. "She's just hungry." "I'm not feeding her!!" He had this vision of razor sharp teeth biting into his ultra sensitive nipples. "Well of course not, the evolutional process that has the women be the females on your world also gave them the mammary glands. We have prepared a formula for the child using a popular earth brand." Niki glared at him as if he were a raving lunatic. She didn't know why he had agreed to have the child. She sure as hell wouldn't if she had been in his place. She was grateful that the men were the one to experience all the pain. There had to be some kind of balance in the world. Women had to put up with men, so men had to put up with childbirth. "Who is going to help me?!!" Mulder cried as the baby cried. "She just peed on me!!" Lurch smiled softly at the new mother. They were always like this. The baby was crying. Again. Technically Katie was only one day old, well actually the embryo was only four days old, but she looked like she was several months old. The crying and the diaper changing seemed to be a constant thing. His body wasn't back to normal either. The hormone levels were on the down swing now, causing major bouts of depression. Plus Katie had bitten him when he was holding her. The new tooth had actually drawn blood. His C-section scar would be hidden when he wore his speedos; he was glad not to have to buy more traditional swimware. But he now had some fine lines running down the length of his stomach. Tears came to his eyes, as he realized no woman would ever find him attractive again. To top it all off, Katie decided she didn't want to keep her first round of specially designed baby food. The temper tantrum sprayed the strained greenbeans all through his hair and down the back of his shirt. The next check up was in a few more minutes. Mulder was waiting in the outer lounge and idly watched as Katie crawled around the room, practically doing laps. He looked up as the Three Stooges came into the room. Lurch let out a horrified gasp. Mulder swung around looking for his daughter. She was contentedly munching on one of the plants sitting on the table. He paled as she broke out into blue polka-dots. Toom giggled, Nancy Narfed, and Niki grabbed her stomach as she laughed and said ouch at the same time. The spots cleared up quickly, but Mulder still remembered the panic. A baby was one thing. A baby with blue polka-dots? Scully would torture him for that one. Katie started throwing her toys around so Mulder picked her up as he sat at the computer terminal. It was the food request menu. He was trying to figure out how to order sunflower seeds. Katie started hitting the keyboard they had brought him, since he didn't understand their voice activated codes. Suddenly the screen scrambled. Mulder looked down at Katie. She wore a decidedly familiar look of innocence that he didn't believe for a second. The Three Stooges came running into the quarters. They were talking so fast that all three of them tripped over each others words. "You are not going to be allowed to program your food. You have ordered Sunflower seeds for the whole ship for the next three days. The programmers said it is going to take at least two to fix this problem." Niki was glaring at him. She turned to Nancy and said, "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?" "Narf, I think so, but I still have welts from my last spanking." Niki bopped Nancy upside the back of the head. Toom giggled and Mulder munched on a sunflower seed as he cracked one open for Katie. The stooges left and Mulder went to the newsgroups. At least these guys had internet access. Alt.sex.fetish.aliens was active and he had some things he wanted to post. Katie was clapping her hands and happily blowing spit bubbles all over his shirt. Then she started babbling, "MaMaMaMaMaMaMa." Ikes, he'd have to correct her. He now had a nightmare vision: He was Mork from Ork and Katie was Jonathan Winters. "No, Katie. DaDa." "MaMaMaMaMaMaMa." "DaDa." "MaMaMaMaMaMaMa." She said loudly and hit the keyboard again. Smart kid. She posted the article he wrote. "No. Katie. DaDa." "Ok. DaDaDaDaDaDaDaDaDa." The Three Stooges burst into the room again. "You sent that - that- that thing to the home world!!!!!!!!" Mulder looked at Niki as she turned an interesting shade of puce. "What?" "That sex story. Those are all good and wonderful in their own right, but to send it to the home world?! We've been ordered to end this interchange." "What? I don't get the tape? You're not taking Katie!!!" "Your daughter has caused as much mischief as you. No, we aren't taking her. And the tape is ready. You are just leaving a day or two early." "Narf" Nancy said with a sniff and threw all the stuff lying around the room into a bag marked "Baby's". Niki put the tape into the bag and said, "It'll be compatible with any home VHS system. Be sure to rewind after each viewing as a courtesy to others." With no weird lights, no strange noises and no memory of how, he was on the front porch of a farm. He immediately called Scully and told her to bring along a car seat. "What?!" "A car seat Scully. One big enough for a two year old. I'll tell you all about it when you get here." Several hours later, Scully arrived. Katie was just waking up. He handed her to Scully and said, "This is my daughter, Katie Mulder." "Your daughter? Who is the mother, Mulder?" she asked as she looked down into the big blue eyes, totally enthralled. "You are. The aliens told me after Katie was born." "The aliens? Mulder..." "I swear Scully. I never made it to Cancun. I was taken aboard an alien ship, and offered proof in exchange for being impregnated with human DNA. I always wanted to have a kid, Scully." "So of course you agreed." "Well, yes." "What's the proof? If the baby's all human, that's not proof." "Scully, that's our daughter. The proof is a video tape." He pulled it out of the diaper bag. On the ride back into D.C., Scully kept trying to find out who the mother was. When that failed she asked how old the baby was. She actually hit Mulder, when he said 36 hours. There was no way she was going to believe Mulder had given birth to their child. They had never had sex. Though she certainly had thought about it. Katie started calling Scully MaMaMaMaMaMaMa. When she told the little girl to call her Dana, she went into a litany of DaDaDaDaDaDaDaDa. Mulder explained how it had taken him minutes for Katie to stop calling him MaMa and to use Dada for him. Scully glared and concentrated on the driving. They got to Mulder's apartment and Katie started attacking everything within reach. She searched under cushions and dug through the dust-dragons under the couch. Mulder heaved an exasperated sigh as Katie started crying for her Cabbage Patch Kid. "The Three Stooges and Lurch gave it to her," he explained. Scully didn't ask. But she did watch as the little girl whipped out a knife from under a Penthouse magazine and started to dissect the doll. "Mama look," she ordered. Mulder went to get the knife and Katie screamed, "No. MaMa. Look." "I see she takes after you. We'll have to find her a good med school," he said as he gently extracted the knife from her little fingers. Scully just glared at him again. Skinner arrived as soon as he could. Mulder had left a message saying it was urgent. He arrived to find Scully holding a squirming red- haired little girl and Mulder actually cleaning. "What is it, Mulder?" "Not an it, sir, my daughter," he said as the little girl climbed down and ran into the kitchen. "I meant why did you call me." "Oh, I have proof of aliens, sir." Skinner looked around and asked, "Where?" "Right here. Well it was right here. Scully did you take it?" She shook her head. "Last I saw it, it was on the table where you left it when I went to get some diapers. Mulder, you need to start potty- training her." "The table. Oh, no," he said as he ran into the other room. Katie was sitting on the floor. Miles of black/brown tape surrounded her. "Oops, potty," she said and Mulder watched as the partially salvageable film became completely destroyed. "Well, Mulder, when they come back, you can ask for a boy." "The next kid is your responsibility," he stated firmly as he remembered the 40 hours of hell this pregnancy had put him through. Skinner looked at Mulder and knew the man had finally gone off the deep end. * * * * * end* * * * *