Title: THE G-MAN'S GUIDE TO POST-PARTUM SEX
Author: alanna

DISCLAIMER: Not mine.

CATEGORY: MSR, Humor
RATING: NC-17
ARCHIVAL: My site only. Please feel free to link to it at 
http://alanna.net/fanfic/gman2.html
SPOILERS: Through "Existence", and small ones for my 
story, "The G-Man's Guide to Unemployment", co-written with 
Emma Brightman.

FEEDBACK: wisteria@smyrnacable.net

SUMMARY: "Is there sex after baby? Can you ever get back 
the zing? Of course you can! Your love life can be better 
than ever!" --www.parentsplace.com


THE G-MAN'S GUIDE TO POST-PARTUM SEX
by alanna

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"When can you resume sexual relations? 
Although sex is generally okayed six weeks 
after the birth of your child, some women feel 
comfortable after two and some don't until 
eight. You need to know your body and 
communicate your feelings to your partner." 
 --www.lamaze.com

+++++

Screw the Internet. 

Every damn parenting website says that you only need to 
wait approximately six weeks after birth before resuming 
sexual relations. 

Try telling that to Scully.

All those hours at home with Scully and the baby were great 
for the first couple of weeks, but now he's getting very 
antsy. He has tried his damnedest to be patient and 
supportive, but he's also starting to get just a little bit 
desperate. 

Okay, Scully hasn't said, "I'm not ready yet," but she 
hasn't given him any indication she's interested in his 
body anymore. Sure, they've kissed since Will was born, 
but even though they're home together all day, they seldom 
seem to get around to really *kissing*. 

Before she became pregnant and he was taken on his 
unfortunate trip to the stars, one smoldering glance from 
her would have them pulling at their clothes. Even after 
he returned, they managed to make love a few times before 
she got too close to her due date for it to be enjoyable.

These days she gives him nice looks, sure, but he's worried 
she's starting to see him more as a father than a lover. 
Being daddy is definitely good, but he wants those heated 
glances back.

Last Thursday, he thought he'd hit pay dirt. She was 
standing next to the full-sized crib they'd just assembled 
for Will, and he came up behind her, putting his arms 
around her waist. She leaned back into him and tilted her 
head up to kiss him. They stood there for nearly ten 
minutes, making out while Will slept. She was so 
beautiful. She seemed so thrilled to be back with him in 
that way. He can still hear her moans as he nibbled her 
ear.

But, of course, the baby chose that moment to start 
fussing, and up came Scully's shirt... and her offering 
wasn't for Mulder.

That was six days ago. 

He hasn't gotten an unobstructed view of her breasts since.

Six weeks, huh? Checking his mental calendar, he 
calculates that they can begin tomorrow. 

It has been so long since the last time that he doesn't 
think that just a wink and a tug at her shirt will get her 
in the mood. Creativity will be the key. 

He turns on the computer to do some research. 


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"With a little imagination and spontaneity -- 
I know, I know, it's hard with kids around -- 
the whole house can become a den of iniquity, and 
those familiar pieces of furniture can turn into 
erotic equipment. And maybe you, too, will find 
yourself blushing when you look at that couch."
 --www.dadmag.com

+++++

Today is Grandma Day. Scully and Will are over at her 
mother's -- soon to be his mother-in-law's -- and Mulder 
has big plans for when they get home.

Over breakfast, he suggested that perhaps they could leave 
Will there for the night. "You and I could use some time 
alone," he added with a wink and a lowered voice that he 
thought sounded pretty darn seductive. She looked 
particularly gorgeous in her t-shirt and jeans, with a glow 
on her face. He felt his chest heaving like a romance 
novel heroine. 

"I'm just not ready to have him away from us for a whole 
night, Mulder," she replied, apparently without noticing 
the wink. "Maybe in a month or two."

Undeterred, he decided that they'll put Will in the 
bedroom, and have some fun in the living room. After all, 
it just might be the place where the baby was conceived. 
They'd had so much sex in those first few months of being 
lovers that, if he does the math, sperm could've met that 
one last ova any number of places in his apartment, hers, 
or even in the backseat of a certain rental car they were 
supposed to be taking back to Lariat after the North 
Carolina case. 

After she leaves, he sets about creating the mood. 

Glancing around the apartment, he surveys their options. 
Table? Too risky. Floor? Nope, he's getting older and 
even pillows won't protect his back against the hardwoods. 
Sofa? Well, it has proved an inspiration in the past. 
He'll just have to throw down some towels to protect the 
upholstery. 

Once the towels are tastefully arranged, he opens up his 
web browser and starts thumbing through his bookmarks. 
Dozens of tips speed through his new cable modem, one of 
the best damn investments they'd ever made. One page has 
the promising title: "Beyond Luvs (Diapers): Aphrodisiacs 
That Work on New Moms!" He hunts down a pen and takes 
notes.

Mulder tries his damnedest to avoid the baby aisle at the 
grocery store as he shops for necessary "marital aids", but 
it doesn't work. He tosses an extra-large supply of 
diapers and Wet Ones in the cart, next to the strawberries, 
whipped cream, and sparkling grape juice (alcohol during 
breastfeeding is a no-no, Scully has warned him every time 
he opens a longneck and offers her a sip.) 

He's horrified to discover that he and Scully are now 
people who use the word, "No-no."

And besides, he's the one who has become the internet 
expert. Plenty of websites say that an occasional drink 
won't taint her milk, but heaven forbid Scully would 
believe dozens of experts.

When he gets home, he unpacks the groceries and preheats 
the oven for the salmon he's going to fix for their dinner. 
She may not think alcohol is good for a nursing mom, but 
Omega-3 fatty acids sure are. Once everything is prepared, 
he wanders into the living room and checks his CD 
collection, cursing himself for never having invested in 
Barry White. Scully's selection doesn't hold much promise 
either on first glance, but he finds a mood music disc 
titled "Soothing Moments." Couldn't hurt. 

When he presses "play", the bizarre sounds emanating from 
the speakers nearly make him jump backward. Picking up the 
jewel case, he notices a few pictures of whales. Oh, Lord. 
This must have something to do with what Scully told him 
Agent Reyes harped about down in Georgia, though why Scully 
would want to remember that part of the whole ordeal is 
beyond him. Maybe that's the reason the disc was buried at 
the bottom of the shelf. 

He settles on her favorite classical music station instead, 
though he decides to turn down the volume until she gets 
home. That music may work for her, but Lizst just doesn't 
put him in the mood.

Next, he moves to the closet, searching his brain for what 
she has said looks sexy on him. The old t-shirt and jeans 
he has on now probably won't do the trick. She does seem 
to like him in a gray shirt, which is good since he must 
have a half-dozen of them. 

As he's deciding between a light gray pullover and a dark 
gray one, the front door opens.

"Mulder?" She surveys the room, her gaze alighting on the 
folded towels on the sofa. A quirk of the brow tells him 
that she knows what he had planned, and a quirk of her lips 
tells him she's amused, but it isn't going to happen 
tonight.

Scurrying toward her voice like a good dad and husband-to-
be, he takes the ridiculously heavy carrier from her and 
wonders when Will and a chunk of plastic combined to weigh 
so damn much. 

"Mom's neighbor came by, and although Caroline is a 
perfectly nice woman, she has to realize that a person 
getting over the flu really shouldn't be in the same room 
with a baby."

Oh, shit. He knows what's coming.

"Could you please change Will's diaper and bring me about a 
gallon of orange juice and some of those vitamins with zinc 
and Echinacea? I'm going to curl up in bed and try to keep 
from coming down with whatever Caroline had."

'You're the healthiest woman I know,' he wants to call out 
after her, but it won't do a bit of good. She may be 
healthy, but she has also been feeling run-down and 
susceptible to germs lately, what with giving so much 
energy to the baby and eating for two. 

He's pretty exhausted these days too, but at least he can 
go jogging whenever he wants -- though getting back in the 
routine after the baby's birth was a challenge. She tried 
to join him on the jog once, but Will cried in his 
inaugural trip in the jogger stroller, and Scully spent the 
first block wincing from abdominal soreness. Another good 
bonding opportunity laid to waste, not to mention the fact 
that he really wanted to show off his family to the outside 
world. They'll have to try again later.

One of the websites touted the therapeutic benefits of 
"Mommy and Me" yoga. He hasn't tried it before, nor has 
Scully, to the best of his knowledge, but it might be fun. 
He could play with Will, and she'd look damn cute in one of 
those leotards.

This conjures fantasies of an acrobatic Scully on a balance 
beam as he heads into the kitchen.

After he brings her the juice and ridiculously large 
vitamins, he takes the baby out of the carrier and into the 
bathroom to be changed. 

Will gurgles at him as Mulder unsnaps the jumpsuit. His 
son is, of course, a developmental wonder. Little legs 
flail just a tiny bit and blue eyes slowly follow Mulder's 
movements. Dad grins -- both of those aren't supposed to 
happen until Will is at least two months old.

Of course, it also makes him wonder if there really is 
something "special" about his kid. Sure, Will passed all 
the genetic tests with flying colors, but you never know.

Once the dirty diaper is off, Mulder squeezes his eyes shut 
long enough to wad it up, so as not to spoil the warm Daddy 
glow. Scully folds dirty diapers like origami, but the 
fancy odor-absorbing diaper pail can handle wads too, thank 
goodness. As he cleans Will and covers his bottom back up, 
Mulder grabs a bright blue stuffed baseball bat and waves 
it in front of the baby's face. It's never too early to 
train a champion.

Will goes back into the carrier when they're done, and 
Mulder begins his lopsided walk back to the kitchen. The 
bedroom is quiet, so he assumes Scully's already in bed. 
As he fixes dinner, he starts to sing. Aural stimulation 
is good for child development, and even old Hendrix tunes 
work if sung in just the right tone of voice. Somehow, 
"Voodoo Child" seems quite appropriate for their cute 
little spawn.

Scully does have some TV trays. Of course, they're 
expensive teak ones from Pottery Barn, but they'll do the 
trick. He has to make two trips: one with food, another 
with baby. When he enters the bedroom, she's already 
curled up under the covers, but her eyes are still open. 
That's good.

"C'mere," she murmurs in her bedroom voice, and Mulder's 
not sure whether she's talking to him or the kid. He takes 
the chance that she means both of them, so he sets the tray 
on the end of the bed and takes Will out of the carrier. 

The three of them are soon propped up against the pillows 
of the family bed, eating their respective dinners -- 
Scully's great at multi-tasking. He flicks on the 
television and settles on PBS. Will may as well get an 
early education in the Human Genome Project. Heck, it 
might have a bit of resonance to his own little Scully-
Mulder genome. 

Once the baby is fed, he picks Will up and puts him in the 
bassinet, eschewing the brand-new crib in the living room. 
When he returns to the bed, Scully's ready for snuggling, 
and Mulder's hopes soar.

Ten minutes later, she's down for the count.

As he watches her sleep, he catalogues her gorgeous new 
curves and the soft hair framing her face. She still looks 
damned sexy, but if he has to trade sex for just lying here 
next to her, he can deal.
 
For now.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"If you're lucky enough to be one of the 
many for whom sex improves after pregnancy, 
count your blessings. Spray a little WD-40 
on the bedsprings so they don't squeak, and 
stifle your groans so you don't wake the baby."
 --www.babyzone.com

+++++

Will is a chick magnet. 

The appreciative glances from women at Starbucks are all 
well and good now, but Mulder lives in fear of Will's 
fifteenth birthday. At least he still has fourteen years 
and forty-five weeks to prepare.

Seven weeks since the baby was born, and still no sex.

The trip home from the coffee place down the street isn't a 
success. He trips on a sidewalk crack and, to compound the 
humiliation, nearly squishes the breakfast pastries under 
an errant stroller wheel. Thank heavens for the cup 
holders that save their drinks. Will wails, of course, and 
Mulder's torn between wanting to hide in a deserted alley 
and reassuring the passersby that he's a good father, 
really, and it was just an accident. 

They manage to make it back to the apartment without 
further incident. Once inside, Mulder transfers a now-
drowsy Will to his carrier then carries it over to the 
desk, opening the blinds. Will can soak up that beneficial 
vitamin D from the sun's rays as he sleeps.

Like the rats of Hamelin (courtesy of the Pied Piper 
storybook he really shouldn't be reading to Will -- it's 
too frightening, but it's also a good story. Oh, well) he 
follows the sound of running water.

Ah, glory hallelujah. Scully's naked body is back-lit 
through the shower doors. 

At this point, he should be getting a mammoth erection, but 
nothing happens. Shit. He stares down at his crotch and 
wonders if his penis has begun to atrophy from disuse.

He vows that they will have sex today, if it's the last 
damn thing they do.

The water finally stops, and Scully steps out of the 
shower. She has to have heard him enter, but she acts 
surprised, a coy look on her face. 

His heart leaps. His cock doesn't follow suit, but he'll 
give it a little time.

"My decaf Sumatra blend?" she asks.

"It's in the cup holder on the stroller."

She smiles. "Would you get it while I dry off?"

He makes it there and back in 47.3 seconds, stopping to set 
the baby monitor next to the baby. Scully fed him before 
the coffee run, so they should have at least an hour of 
uninterrupted... whatever. 

When he returns to the bedroom, Scully's already lying back 
on the bed. Naked. Her engagement ring glints in the 
morning sunlight. The gold and her flesh combine to make 
an extremely attractive sight. Little Mulder shouts "woo 
hoo!" and leaps to attention. Finally! All his equipment 
is back in working order.

He sheds his clothing as quickly as possible, not wanting 
to give her time to change her mind.

"Thanks for being patient, Mulder," she says as he burrows 
his face into the curve of her neck. 

"You're welcome," he murmurs between kisses.

Scully, of course, breaks the mood just a little bit as she 
launches into a detailed description of exactly what they 
can and can't do. He wants to tell her that he's read the 
websites and knows all of it already, but she sounds kind 
of sexy as she asks him to grab the lube out of the bedside 
table.

Astroglide in hand, he sits back on his haunches and looks 
at her. After a quick pause to recollect the advice about 
birth control during pregnancy, he remembers that they're 
probably safe during breastfeeding, and she didn't ask him 
to grab a condom too. He relaxes.

Time is of the essence, so they get right down to business. 
He runs his hands over her stomach, glad that it's still a 
little soft. She kisses the hell out of him, her fingers' 
tight grip on his hair only heightening the arousal. 

"Let's be creative, Mulder," she whispers after giving his 
lips a quick bite. 

"You know me," he mutters as he licks the notch of her 
collarbone, "I always keep an open mind."

She laughs with delight, and he is thrilled by the way her 
stomach contracts under his hand and her breasts jiggle. 
He reaches up to cup the left one, and milk immediately 
trickles down the nipple. Scully winces, and he quickly 
glances up at her. "No, it's okay. It feels kind of 
good," she hastens to add.

Good, huh? Mulder leans down and licks away the small 
stream of milk. He has tasted it once or twice before, but 
that was just to satisfy curiosity as he prepared a bottle 
to take with him when he went shopping with Will last 
month. It's the same stuff, but it tastes decidedly 
different this time. Perhaps it's the context. He 
chuckles at the thought that sex makes her sweeter.

He raises his eyebrows in a question, and she nods her 
reply, her eyes gleaming just a bit. Pursing his lips, he 
takes a nipple between them and sucks lightly. Milk 
quickly floods his mouth. 

Scully shivers and moans, and he wonders how she is able to 
separate her apparent arousal at this from the maternal 
warmth of feeding their son. Mulder swallows and lifts his 
mouth to smile at her. Quite enough for one day, but he'll 
have to remember her reaction for next time. 

Creative, huh? He can do that. 

He wants to fuck her. Badly. All those nights last year 
of making love -- slow and intimate or fast and fierce -- 
are fresh in his mind, and he wants them back. He wants to 
push so deeply into her that he might never come out. 

Then he remembers her instructions not to insert anything 
into her vagina, since she's still a little sore and needs 
some time to work her way back up to that part of sex. 
That rules out a good old-fashioned screw, but she didn't 
say anything about her clit. As he reaches down for it, 
she says, "No. Other way around."

Oh. Wow. Even better.

Size differences complicate matters, but they work it out 
beautifully. He lets her take the lead, and ignores the 
creaks in his spine as he bends himself like a parenthesis 
to fit her. Mulder can't resist a quick tickle behind her 
knee when he pulls her thigh over his shoulder. 
Unfortunately, this presses his head down into the 
mattress, and he briefly pulls up to grab a pillow. 

Just as he's about to take his first lick, he remembers the 
bottle of Astroglide at the other end of the bed. No 
matter -- she seems to be doing well enough in all the 
right areas. But, of course, she interrupts him as he 
dives in.

"Be careful, okay? I'm still a bit tender."

Mulder tamps down his frenzy just a bit so he can be more 
gentle, but that plan is shot to hell as her lips clamp 
down on his cock. 

Oh, God. This is what he has been missing.

Time stands still, which is a good thing since he won't 
last very long if she keeps running her tongue up and down 
him like that. It's so damn incredible that he nearly 
forgets about her. Then he takes a gasping breath and her 
scent fills his lungs. Ah, yes. The other thing he has 
been missing. 

His mouth is watering enough from anticipating her feast 
that he can compensate for the fact that she's damp but not 
wet. Her folds of skin feel soft, even though they're 
swollen, and he gets a little thrill from knowing that the 
softness is from their child. Perhaps when they finally 
make love the traditional way she'll be tight again, but 
right now this suits him perfectly. 

He begins to lick her, slowly and with enough pressure to 
make her shiver. Her nails dig into his ass and that only 
makes him shiver as he delves deeper, tasting each of her 
folds and letting her smoky wetness warm his tongue. 

A harsh noise filters through the haze of arousal, and he 
freezes. Interrupted already?

"Just a bedspring, Mulder," she says with a laugh in her 
voice. He relaxes as much as he can with her mouth on his 
cock. It isn't easy, but there's something to be said for 
maturity and staying power.

Drawing the alphabet on her clit has always been a favorite 
request of hers, but he doesn't know what to write. 
Finally, he settles on four letters: M-I-N-E. 

Her thigh pushes into his ear as he traces the "E", and he 
moves in for the grand finale. 

Y-O-U-R-S.

Only they would write vows during sex. He loves this about 
their relationship. 

The word pushes her over the edge, and he barely hears her 
strangled cry as he burrows his face even further into her. 
She is warm and electric and so, so good.

Pulling away, he flops over onto his back and watches her 
chest heave and face relax in post-orgasmic bliss. Scully 
stretches like a cat, her ripe breasts tilting toward the 
sky. They glisten with iridescent whiteness and she wears 
a smile on her face. He lets her have her moment, then 
turns around to lie next to her. His cock tilts toward the 
ceiling, shimmering from her attention and waiting for 
more.

For someone who has spent the past seven weeks exhausted 
from their baby, her second wind is something to behold. 

She scrambles to her knees and leans over him and licks and 
sucks and he doesn't last long but it's good, so so good 
and his climax lasts forever as he comes in her mouth and 
feels her tongue coaxing him along and it's perfect, 
utterly perfect and the websites were right when they said 
that post-baby sex is the best ever. Oh, yes.

When he regains lucidity, her head is on his chest and she 
tickles the hair there with her nimble fingertips. 

"Mmm, I missed that," she murmurs, and he wants to shout to 
the heavens that they're back, really back this time! 

This is too perfect, like they're skimming on the surface 
of a bubble. He waits for Will's wail to interrupt the 
perfection of it all, but he hears nothing except their 
slow, steady breaths.

The morning sun peeks through the blinds and glints off the 
ring she wears on her finger. He'd been a little surprised 
when she asked him to marry her as they celebrated Will's 
one-month birthday. Her exact words had been, "I'm sick 
and tired of living in sin, already!" and she winked at 
him, but he saw the nervousness behind her show of bravado. 

He had said "yes" right then and there, without even a 
moment's hesitation. Before the baby, he hadn't seen them 
as the marrying kind, but now he can't imagine anything 
else. The next day, he took Will with him to buy her an 
engagement ring, even though she'd assured him she didn't 
need one. "Put up or shut up," he quipped as he slipped it 
on her finger, but he winked at her and it was all good. 

"So, this is what married sex is like, huh?" she says in a 
sated voice. "I guess all those websites you like are 
right, Mulder. It really does get better."

He pulls her into his arms and traces the outline of her 
ring. "Might I remind you that we haven't even set a date 
yet?"

She brings her hand up to cover his. "We will. Soon." 

Mulder hears a note of hesitation in her voice. "You're 
not having second thoughts, are you?"

"No...."

"But?" he shoots right back at her.

She kisses her finger and presses it to his jaw. "Well, 
I'm not sure I want a husband who drives me crazy by 
sitting in front of the computer all day, and who appears 
to have an unhealthy obsession with getting me back into 
bed."

"Hey!" he cries in mock-outrage, then cringes with the fear 
that the noise will wake up the baby. 

With a grin, Scully flips over and rests her arms on his 
chest, propping her chin on her hands. "I'm just teasing 
you, Mulder, though I do have to wonder how much of all 
that internet research relates to the baby, and how much 
relates to post-partum sex."

He's about to quip, "I resemble that remark," until he 
realizes that just gives her more fuel. Instead, he says, 
"I just try to be thorough."

The grin fades slightly, and she says, "Where do we go from 
here, Mulder? This staying-at-home thing can't last 
forever, you know. We're both going to have to go back to 
work someday." After a pause, she says, "I love being here 
with you and Will, don't get me wrong. You're a great 
conversationalist, but I miss the challenge of my job."

"I love it too, Scully, but I don't really miss it as much 
as you seem to." He picks up a strand of her hair and 
twirls it around his finger. "After all the running around 
of the past eight years, it's nice to just be at home with 
you and Will, taking care of him and helping him grow." 

She smiles and he continues, "I want to make this last." 

"Me too," she murmurs. "I hate thinking that it can't stay 
this way forever, but I'm trying to be realistic."

"Hey, Scully?"

"Yes?"

"I've been thinking," he begins, suddenly nervous. "You 
just said you want to return to work sometime in the 
future, and I completely support that. Didn't you say last 
week that when you go back, you'd probably try to teach at 
Quantico?" She nods and raises an eyebrow. "I can't 
really go back to the Bureau, now can I?"

"What are you getting at, Mulder?"

"I..." He sighs. It had made so much sense when he first 
came up with the idea a few days ago. Now it just seems 
crazy. But he's known for his leaps of faith, isn't he?

So he takes a deep breath and makes another leap, 
reassuring himself that Scully will understand. She almost 
always does. 

"Well, the past year has made me re-think my priorities. 
Now I think that taking care of Will is more important to 
me than office politics and risking my life in search of 
answers we may never get." 

She says nothing in response, a guarded expression on her 
face.

He presses on, desperate for her to see his point. "I want 
to stay home with Will." The words come out in a rush. 
"My career at the F.B.I. is over, and I know I wouldn't be 
interested in starting a new career in some office. You 
can go back to work in a few months -- you'll probably be 
completely sick of me by then," he laughs, "and I'll take 
on some consulting work. If that doesn't pan out, we'll 
reassess my options. Besides, I have enough left of my 
parents' estates for us to live quite comfortably for a 
while."

A tiny whimper filters through the baby monitor, but it 
isn't a cry yet. Scully sits up, though she doesn't move 
to leave.

The mood is too serious. He wants to see her smile again. 
"And hey, at least then I can sit around in front of the 
computer all day and you won't have to deal with it."

There -- a slight quirk of her lips. Much better. He's 
still nervous, though.

Finally, she says, "We'll think about it, okay?"

"Okay." It's not a full agreement, but it gives him some 
hope.

"And we'll set a wedding date by the end of the week. I 
promise."

It's his turn to grin. "That sounds good to me."

Will's whimper becomes a full-fledged wail, but he can't 
tell if the cry is "I'm hungry" or "My diaper needs 
changing." Both of them get up, just in case. 

The baby is too young to be affected by parental nudity, 
but she grabs her robe and he pulls on his boxers anyway. 
As they shuffle into the living room, his legs still 
rubbery from making love, she puts her arm around his 
waist.

"It's good to be back, Mulder."

He drops a kiss on the top of her head. "Yes, Scully. It 
is."

 
+++++

END