Title: didn’t leave nobody but the baby
Author: Jennifer-Oksana
fandom: x-files
rating: R
summary: It’s not goodbye. It’s just until we meet again.
disclaimer: CC, 1013, FOX own the characters. No copyright infringement
intended.

<go to sleep little babe>

I did my bleeding.

<go to sleep little babe>

I died.

<your momma's gone away and your daddy's gonna stay>

I’m dead.

<didn't leave nobody but the baby>

And it’s your fault.

You let me die. You told me you loved me when you helped me put that
thing in my body and in the end I didn’t leave nobody but the baby.

If you want to call it a baby.

I should have known, God, my God, why didn’t I know, GodGodGod god. 

There’s not even a God anyway. Forget it.

I didn’t ever want anything as much as I wanted this. I only wanted
good. I only wanted to have something in this world that was good, that
was something not full of darkness and pain and everything ugly and
inhuman.

<go to sleep little babe>

They didn’t let me hold it. It lived, it cried for its mother, but I
was already gone, crying my eyes and bleeding my life out in the white
room, the white white room where they take ladies who have babies who
aren’t babies. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have anyone because
you went away. There was no one to help me.

<go to sleep little babe>

Before you left me behind, you gave me a big bear hug and a poisoned
dream that I too could have a child of my own, a child of my own body,
something precious that was mine and yours, no matter how impossible it
was for there to be a you and me.

<everybody's gone in the cotton and the corn>

I loved you. With all my stupid, trusting heart I loved you. I wanted
you to love me. I understood that you didn’t want me. I wished and I
wished but I understood. But it was going to be our baby. And as much
as I wanted a baby, I wanted our baby more. It was the only thing that
was ours that could last.

But your love ate me body and soul from the womb out, taking away all
the color and blood and life until I saw my body lying there on a white
bed, the same color as the bleached sheets. If it weren’t for my hair
and for the color of my eyes staring up, there would have been no me to
leave behind.

<didn't leave nobody but the baby>

When you touched me that night when 

I wouldn’t be told no

Your finger on my lips

slowly drifting down

Your hand on my waist

pulling me closer

There were no words

and I wanted you so much 

that I wanted to die.

Surprise.

<you're a sweet little babe>

Did you know that night that you were dying?

<you're a sweet little babe>

Did you know when I asked you to be the father?

<honey in the rock and the sugar don't stop>

Why didn’t you tell me? Why couldn’t you have saved my life?

One selfless act for the ages.

Did you hate me that much?

<gonna bring a bottle to the baby>

It was a miracle, though. 

I was going to have our baby. 

Science didn’t get me anywhere but love, one night of simple love, was
going to get me everything I wanted. Because if love could give me our
baby, I could find you with the same power.

I didn’t know that I had a time bomb living inside of me, stalking me
like a shadow of the valley. Somebody said that you’re born with your
death standing beside you. 

I think that was someone who knew what he was talking about.

<don't you weep pretty babe>

I don’t know if I hate you.

<don't you weep pretty babe>

I should. There was so much that you never told me. You said you loved
me, you said you believed in me, that you trusted me. Why did you go to
North Carolina every weekend without me? Why didn’t you tell me you
went?

I would have been there for you. If you trusted me, you should have
told me.

But you didn’t tell me.

What’s that say about us?

<she's long gone with her red shoes on>

And yet I don’t hate you. Because I remember when I was in your arms
and we were together that one perfect night.

You did love me. You loved me so much that I can forgive you (almost)
for killing me. That night, we were the one couple in a million or a
billion or six billion that finds true love. That was the night you
gave me my wish.

That was the night.

That was the night.

<gonna need another loving babe>

I wonder what they’ll do with our baby. The only proof I lived and
died. Will it go in a jar on a shelf in a sterile room?

Will it live?

Will it destroy everything that we ever wanted or loved or gave two
shits about?

What did I give birth to?

<go to sleep little babe>

mother and child

but this is no holy infant, tender and mild.

It cried for its mother. But what’s a mother for something that’s not
human and that never existed? What’s a mother to a child of science and
domination?

It was what our love brought into the world.

<go to sleep little babe>

I don’t hate you. I don’t hate it. I just wish things had been
different.

I wish you had loved me enough to tell me the truth.

<you and me and the devil makes three>

Can you feel that I’m no longer with you?

Do you even know that I’m dead? 

Do you know where you are, somewhere up beyond the stars where even
now, I can’t find you?

I’ve died. And you’re nowhere to be found.

<don't need no other lovin' babe>

But now I have forever to look.

<go to sleep little babe>

Dying is nothing like falling asleep.

It’s more like waking up.

<go to sleep little babe>

And I’m beyond all the conspiracies and all the desires of flesh and
blood and soul. I’m somewhere you can’t see. But you’ll be here.
Someday. Everyone comes here. 

My God, Mulder.

It’s full of stars.

And I’ll see you again. 

I know that.

<come lay bones on the alabaster stones>

When you see me again, will you remember me? Will you remember that you
killed me with the only night you gave just to me out of the thousand
nights we could have had? Or will I just be another nightmare face
among the billions who wait for the redemption that doesn’t come?

<and be my everlovin baby>

I’ll be here. Waiting for you.