Title: Breathing
Author: Jamie Greco
Rating: PG
Classification: S
Spoilers: Season 8
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine and, Lord knows I'm not making 
any money off of them.

Summary: Before the events of the last two shows, our heroes head 
toward one of the most mysterious and dangerous endeavors of their 
lives: Lamaze class.

~*~*~

"I think we should breathe on the way over."

"That would be advisable, Mulder."

"No, I mean, hee-hee, ho-ho."

"I know what you mean, Mulder, and I'm not practicing in the car."

"Why not? It'll be great."

"How will it be great?"

"How?"

"Yes. Exactly how will it be great? Since when is hyperventilating 
great?"

"Scully-"

"Let it go, Mulder."

"Let what go? Are you...you know..."

"No, I don't know. Am I what?"

"Well, sometimes women...in your condition...can feel a little-"

"Feel a little-"

"Never mind."

"No, Mulder. No. You brought it up. Exactly how can women in my 
position feel?"

"Well, it would be perfectly normal...Scully, if I were carrying a 
small but active human being inside of me and I had trouble getting 
comfortable sleeping at night and I had to pee every fifteen minutes 
and my ankles were swollen to what seems like twice their normal size-"

"What? My ankles are not swollen to twice there normal size...ar-are 
they?"

"Of course not."

"I mean, I can't see them very well, but I thought...I didn't realize 
they looked-"

"Scully...Scully, the turn of your ankle could still cause a man to 
lose all sight of his day-to-day existence."

"I mean, I thought I was keeping in pretty fair shape."

"You look...Scully?"

"What?"

"Scully, you're not crying..."

"Of course, I'm not crying. I just...I'm surprised that you think 
I've blown up like a balloon."

"Who said anything about balloons? The word balloon never crossed my 
lips."

"You thought it though."

"Well, strike another blow against psychic phenomenon because I never 
thought about balloons, not even as they pertain to clowns and 
parades and most certainly not in reference to you."

"Okay, whatever."

"Scully?"

"What?"

"Is that a definite no on breathing?"

"Mulder..."

"I'm kidding! Kidding! What are we doing tonight anyway?" 

"Did you lose your schedule?"

"No."

"Then why don't you know?"

"I guess I mixed up my dates. It's hard to keep track of the days 
when you're not punching a time card."

"You've never punched a time card in your life."

"See, that's where you would be wrong, Scully."

"Imagine my surprise."

"See, when I was a kid, I worked in a shoe factory. I attached the 
little nibs to the shoestrings."

"No, you didn't."

"I did actually."

"How long?"

"What?"

"How long did you last?"

"Four hours. But it seemed like four months, so I think that should 
count for something."

"Of course it does. So, what happened?"

"Happened?"

"Let me guess. You decided you were more situated to sole work or to 
tongue."

"Scully, have I ever mentioned that I love how your mind works?"

"Once or twice."

"So..."

"So, what?"

"What are we covering tonight?"

"Actually we're watching the birth film."

"The-"

"The birth film."
 
"Good...good."

"What's the matter, Mulder?"

"Nothing!"

"Tell me."

"There's absolutely nothing the matter with me."

"Okay, then why has your skin just taken on the hue of heaving ocean?"

"Don't say heaving, Scully."

"Churning?"

"Scully..."

"I don't believe this."

"Now imagine my surprise."

"That you, Fox Mulder, the unshakable, unmovable poster boy for 
strong constitutions, are set to queasiness by the thought of the 
most natural activity in the world."

"I am not-"

"When you add up all of the slime, bile, unexplainable goo that you 
have joked your way through, the death, the blood, the various bodily 
fluids...And now you're set aquiver by the thought of the miracle of 
birth."

"I am not set aquiver. I'm not even sure that's a word."

"Oh, it's a word, Mulder, with your picture next to it in the 
dictionary."

"All right. All right. I'm a little nervous at the prospect. But I 
am not aquiver, Scully."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"And even if I were, I am a man. I can overcome any trepidation I 
might be feeling."

"Good."

"Good."

"I'll be able to step up the plate. Don't worry."

"This isn't baseball, Mulder."

"I know that."

"There's going to be pain, there's going to be blood and bodily 
fluids, Mulder. Lots and lots of bodily fluids."

"There are occasional body fluids in baseball." 

 "I thought that was hockey."

"That too."

"So what about you, Scully?"

"Me?"

"Aren't you scared?"

"No."

"No?"

"No!"

"You can tell me."

"I'm not scared, Mulder."

"Really?"

"Apprehensive, maybe."

"Apprehensive."

"But I know what to expect. That's the key. I've studied 
childbirth. I did my time in obstetrics. It's a science, like 
anything else."

"I see."

"And there's always an epidural."

'That's true."

"So I'm fully prepared."

"Then why are we going?"

"What?"

"Then why are we going to watch the movie of some poor woman's most 
tortured effort to bring forth life when you and I both know the how 
and what of the whole procedure?"

"What would you suggest rather than attending the class you promised 
you would attend?"

'Sweet potato pie."

"Sweet potato pie."

"I know this place; it's a bit of a drive, but it's got by far the 
best sweet potato pie I have ever experienced."

"Is that right?"

"Absolutely. It's as close to nirvana as you will ever come in this 
lifetime."

"The group or the state of mind?"

"The sweet potato pie is a state of mind, Scully."

"What if I hate sweet potato pie?"

"Nobody hates sweet potato pie." 

"I hate sweet potato pie."

"You do? How is that possible?"

"I don't know where to start here, Mulder. Should I point out that 
you have been known to embrace the most bizarre scraps of evidence as 
gospel truth on your road to complete acceptance of the most 
unequivocally ridiculous notions and yet you cannot conceive of 
someone not enjoying the type of pie you do? Or should I just point 
out that I have a personal belief that vegetables should simply 
refrain from dabbling in realm of dessert where they clearly don't 
belong?"

"So you don't like sweet potato pie?"

"Aargh!"

"That hurts, Scully, let go."

"I'll let go if you let go of ditching Lamaze."

"Just one more suggestion."

"Don't make me drop you, Mulder. I'm capable of doing it."

"I know you are. Just let me say that if we turn right up here we 
will arrive at the hospital along with Mike and Susie, Carol and 
Pete, who, by the way keeps a small radio in his shirt pocket with an 
ear phone attachment on which he monitors the ball games-"

"How do you know that?"

"I noticed he was a little too enthusiastic when it came to the slide 
concerning effacement, and I casually asked the score during break."

"You should look into a career that involves deductive reasoning."

"I'll think about it. Anyway, we could make that turn, Scully, the 
road more heavily traveled or we could take the other road-"

"Don't tell me; the road less traveled."

"That's right, Scully. We could break from the norm, from the 
expected, and instead head three blocks north and another two blocks 
west where another crime against architecture has risen from the 
concrete to offer the essentials to the basic urban dweller. You 
have your Pottery Barn and your Gap and a Banana Republic, but that 
isn't what will make your heart thrill, Scully."

"It isn't?"

"No, it isn't. Because tucked in behind the Starbucks is a little 
cafe which serves little scoops of nectar of the gods and that place, 
Scully, is called Ben and Jerry's."

"There's Ben and Jerry's?"

"You can almost hear the angels sing, can't you, Scully?"

"Are you sure it's open?"

"Checked it out last week."

"Wait a minute. This is a little out of your neighborhood. Why were 
you checking out Ben and Jerry's?"

"There's been evidence of alien activity there."

"What kind of evidence?"

"Human beings are just not advanced enough to make ice cream that 
tastes like that."

"Or you knew the film was being shown this week and you wanted to 
divert me."

"Untrue. That is completely untrue."

"If I find out it is true, I will make you regret it."

"I can live with that."

"Do you think they have Chunky Monkey?"

"They have it all, Scully. It's a virtual cornucopia of ice cream."

"You know, Mulder, we could probably go there, have a scoop-"

"Or three."

"And sneak in to class only slightly late."

"That's true. Especially since you wouldn't have any interest in the 
Baby Gap."

"Get thee behind me, Satan."

"I'm not Satan. I used to be his henchman, but I was fired."

"Too bad."

"Seems he thought I had a poor attitude."

"There should be a club."

"There is...on-line."

"I'll have to look into it. In the meantime, in view of the fact 
that neither of us needs filmed instruction, I will consent to ice 
cream, since it means so much to you."

"You are truly good."

"I know. But we will be attending all future classes."

"I wouldn't miss it for the world."

The End