Title: BELIEVE Author: L. Phillips Rating: PG Classification: V / A Keywords: Mulder / Scully married Spoilers: 4th Season Summary: Mulder has a conversation with his 5 year old daughter. Disclaimer: Okay everyone, repeat after me: Not mine! Property of Chris the surfer dude, Fox Television, and 1013 Productions. Please don't sue. I have nothing anyway (except my imagination!). ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Comments to rn500@ozline.net ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Sunlight peered between the slats in the blinds, with one sharp beam shining directly across Mulder's eyes as he opened them. Closing his eyes again, he turned over in bed and pulled the blankets up around his neck. His body was heavy with the languor of a day with no alarm clock, no commute, no suit and tie. Just as he was drifting off, his bedroom door swung open and a small form landed on him with a thud. "Ooof! Jeez, Bethie, you could warn a guy!" "Time to get up Daddy!" Her small hand patted Mulder's cheek as she stared at him. "Who says?" he groaned. Beth laughed. "It's daytime, Daddy! That means it's time to get up." Mulder opened one eye and smiled at the sight he took in. Elizabeth was straddled across his waist, pushing wavy auburn tangles off her face as she bounced on his ribcage. She was tall for a five year old, and quite strong, as evidenced by the bruising she was giving his ribs right now. "Honey, stop," he said gently. "You're gonna hurt your old daddy." Beth's face suddenly looked pained, and she leaned over and hugged Mulder around the neck. "You okay, Daddy? I'm sorry." He patted her on the back and returned the hug. "Oh, you're not big enough to beat me up yet, don't worry." She looked puzzled. "Daddy, I would never beat you up!" Mulder chuckled. "You just remember that when you're sixteen." He pulled back the covers and Beth scooted in beside him, snuggling against his chest. He wrapped his long arms around her and breathed in that familiar morning scent that only a child has, the sweet fragrance of sleep and hope and distant dreams . Over the years Mulder had learned to love Saturdays. Leisurely awakening, a whole lazy weekend to look forward to, and there was nothing to compare with cuddling a warm baby under the covers. Okay, so she wasn't a baby anymore. But she'd always be *his* baby. He barely remembered another lifetime when he had dreaded the empty hours between Friday evening and Monday morning, always pathetically scrambling for something to fill the time. For many years his work had kept him obsessively occupied. But all that changed the day Dana Scully kissed him. He smiled at the thought, and pulled Beth closer. She tilted her head back and looked up at him, those big blue eyes tugging at his heart. "Tell me a story, Daddy." "Hmmm, okay. Once upon a time there was this little bear..." "No! I mean a *real* story." "Ohhh, a *real* story." He was waiting for that. It had become a favorite pastime of Beth's in these past few months. "What story do you want to hear?" "Umm... tell me about when I was a baby." Mulder settled back against the pillow and pretended to be in deep thought. "Well," he began. "You pooped a lot..." "Daddy!" "... and you cried a lot..." Beth dissolved into giggles. "Daddy! Come on..." "Oh, okay. Let's see..." Mulder closed his eyes as the years easily fell away. "When we brought you home from the hospital, you had a bald little head, with just a little bit of red fuzzy stuff that stuck up all over. And you had big blue eyes, just like now." "And I was a surprise, wasn't I," she declared, already knowing what the answer would be. "The very best surprise I ever had." "'Cause you never thought you'd have a little baby, right?" "That's right." Mulder smiled softly as he remembered. The images were so clear, he was always amazed when he thought about how much time had passed. He recalled how Dana had looked the day she went into labor, her abdomen round and plump as a ripe peach. He had sat beside her all day, encouraging her, soothing her, and finally just standing back in awe as she brought this tiny pink squealing bundle into the world. God, she was so strong! And him? He had cried like a baby. Beth's voice brought him, reluctantly, out of his reverie. "Where did I sleep, Daddy?" she asked, her brows furrowed in thought. "Ummm, in a box, I think," Mulder replied. "Daddy! I did not!" "Oh, yeah. It was a pickle bucket." Beth squealed with laughter. "Daddy! Stop kiddin' me!" "Okay, okay. You had a cute little bed, just the right size for a baby. And your room was all decorated in bunnies." "But sometimes I wouldn't stop crying, so I slept with you and Mama, didn't I?" She gave Mulder a sly look. "Yeah, you figured that out pretty quick, you devil." Mulder poked his finger into her belly and Beth giggled as he tickled her. Her laugh was pure and clear, a sound that lightened his heart like nothing else. Beth's laughter slowed to soft breathing again, and her voice sounded small as she labored to grasp at memories from her short life. "Was Grandma here when I came home from the hospital?" she asked. "Yes, she was there. But you won't remember that honey, you were too little. Babies don't remember too much." "But I don't want to forget anything!" she cried, her voice panicky. Mulder pulled her closer and smoothed her hair, patting down the soft curls. "Don't worry, Bethie," he replied reassuringly. "You'll always remember the important stuff." She relaxed in his arms, but the questions continued. "Who was there when you brought me home?" Mulder let out a small sigh as he thought back. "Let's see, it was me, and Mama, and Grandma, and Grandma Teena." "Uncle Bill came to see me, too, didn't he." Beth knew this part by heart. "Mmm-hmm." "And I puked up on him, didn't I?" "Yes you did." "And you laughed, didn't you?" Mulder chuckled. "Yes I did." "Do you think I'll be pretty like Mama when I grow up?" Beth asked, sounding uncertain. Oh God. Mulder's heart squeezed in his chest, and for a moment it was hard to breathe. He blinked a few times and forced air deep into his lungs. "You already are," he assured her, his eyes misty. "Luckily for you, you got your mother's looks instead of mine." "Do you think I'll be smart like Mama?" "Hmmm. You're already pretty smart, so I'd say if you study very hard in school and learn as much as you can, then you'll definitely be as smart as Mama." Beth thought for a moment. "I don't think I'll be a FBI, though." "Well, that's okay, Bethie. You can be anything you want. I seem to remember you wanting to be an artist." "No, now I wanna be a astronaut. I wanna go up to the stars." Up to the stars. Mulder gazed up at the ceiling, remembering when he himself had had that same dream, although he knew his motivations had been vastly different from Beth's. He continued to stroke her hair, wishing for the millionth time that he could know what went through her mind, and at the same time glad that he didn't. Forcing a bright voice, he changed the subject. "Mmmm. Do you smell what I smell?" Beth tipped her nose up and sniffed. Her face lit up. "I think it's... it's..." "Moose?" Mulder offered. Beth gave him a dubious look, lifting one eyebrow up as she did. "It's *bacon*, Daddy." Mulder closed his eyes and shook his head slightly, a smile coming to his lips. Beth broke her stern face and laughed. "I know, I know! I look just like Mama when I do that!" Mulder looked down into the sweet face that gazed on him with such love. Freckles sprinkled the little girl's nose, and underneath she had the same peachy complexion as Dana, the same flushed lips. He kissed her gently on the forehead. "You sure do, munchkin." Beth jumped out of bed and hit the floor running. "I'm going to have breakfast. Hurry up, or I'll eat all the bacon!" Suddenly overcome by his love for this child, the wonder that she was, he couldn't say a word as he watched her disappear down the hallway. Beth was already finishing up her second pancake when Mulder entered the kitchen. Maggie turned at the sound of his footsteps. "Good morning, dear." Oh, how Mulder loved hearing that sound on the weekends! On weekdays he left when the house was still dark and quiet, without the smiling faces he had become accustomed to seeing in the morning. He walked over to Maggie and kissed her cheek. "'Morning, Maggie." "Gama med pancaketh!" Beth announced to him with a mouth full of her favorite breakfast. Mulder wandered over to the coffeepot and poured a steaming cup. His gaze was drawn out the big kitchen window, where spring had begun to proclaim itself in colorful glory. The bulbs that he and Beth had planted last fall were sending up tender green shoots, reaching toward a brilliant sun. It was a beautiful day. The kind of day that should make him glad to be alive. He felt a hand on his arm, squeezing gently. "One of those days, huh?" Maggie was watching him with understanding eyes. "Oh, you Scully women and your psychic powers," he replied, a melancholy smile crossing his face. Mulder breathed in deeply and let go a sigh from his soul. His eyes met hers for a moment, then he looked away before he lost himself. "I miss her so much, Maggie," he said quietly. Maggie's arms went around his waist and hugged tightly. "I know, honey. I know." "Daddy..." Mulder reluctantly broke Maggie's embrace and turned to Beth. "What, hon?" "Can we take Buster for a walk in the woods today?" She looked at him expectantly, and Mulder took a deep breath to calm his voice before he spoke. "Sure, after breakfast." "Don't forget, Beth," Maggie spoke up as she dabbed at her eyes. "You promised to help me in the garden later!" "Oh, I will Grandma. Can we plant flowers in Mama's garden today? 'Cause me and Daddy's flowers are starting to come up, and I want to put in the other ones so Mama will see it look all pretty when she looks down." Maggie smiled through watery eyes. "Yes, sweetheart," she said softly. "I think that's a wonderful idea." Beth scooted off the chair. "I'm gonna go get dressed so we can go for our walk, Daddy." "Okay, Bethie..." She was bounding up the stairs before Mulder could finish his sentence. "Put on something warm!" he called up after her. Maggie turned to him. "You okay?" she asked quietly, concern in her eyes. He nodded. "Well then," she said, trying to sound spirited. "How about some breakfast?" "No thanks, Maggie" Mulder said, turning to the window again as he sipped his coffee. "I'm not hungry right now." He felt her warm hand on his back, a soft pat of understanding. "All right, dear. I'm going to head up to the shower." Mulder listened as the light scuffing of her slippers faded away up the stairs. He closed his eyes again, and the familiar voice echoed familiar words across his arid heart. The words that made him get out of bed day after day when all he wanted to do was follow her into that silent night. "Promise me..." He swallowed, his throat tight. 'I'm trying, baby,' he thought. "Promise me, for Bethie... don't give up..." Mulder squeezed his eyes shut, brushed away a tear. "Promise me... " "I do," he whispered to the air. Nearly five months had passed since she had left him, quietly slipping away in his arms, just as she had wanted. Five months. One hundred and forty six days, he thought, silently adding one more. It was only very recently that the beating of his heart had stopped feeling like a sharp stab in his chest, an agonizing reminder that it now beat alone. He had even slept through the night a few times lately, and had awakened feeling refreshed until he realized what he had done. He had gone an entire night without thinking about her, and somehow that seemed completely obscene. But, try as he might to sabotage it, there was healing. It helped to be here, in Maggie's home. They had moved in when Dana's cancer had returned with a vengeance, barely giving them time to comprehend what was happening before she became too ill to be left alone. Mulder had thought then that he and Beth would go home when it was over. But when it came time, he found the idea of returning there impossible. A few weeks after Dana's death, while Beth was in school, he had returned to the old two story house with the drafty windows and the memories and the scent of her. At the last minute, he had asked Maggie to go with him, and thank God that he did. He walked through the rooms, picking things up and laying them back down, Maggie close behind. He waited for the feeling to be there, the feeling that he'd had every day when he had stepped through the front door of this wonderful house. The feeling that told him this was *home*, that made him feel safe and loved for the first time since he was a child. But it wasn't there. And suddenly he recognized what he'd really known from the beginning - it was her. She was his home. And without her this building was nothing but a cold empty shell. "I can't do it," he' had whispered. "I can't stay here." "Then don't, Fox," Maggie spoke up, urgency in her voice. "You and Bethie stay with me." She walked around to face him and lay her hand on his arm. Mulder looked down at her hand, marveling at the touch. She was so good at it, this simple act of touching. It was so natural for her. And somehow, it always helped. His own mother had long ago lost the magical power that a mother's touch held. He had looked down at her with grateful eyes. Beth needed her grandmother. Hell, *he* needed her. And Maggie seemed to welcome it, blossoming in the reprise of her favorite role. She had told him it felt good to have voices in the house again. Still, there were times when he felt guilty for hiding there, for intruding on her life as he was sure that they did. A few times he'd tried to talk to her about it, to apologize. Maggie always shushed him, and said that she loved having them there. The last time he'd mentioned it she had turned to him with tears in her eyes, her voice strong with emotion. "Don't you understand what a blessing it is for me to have you two here?" She'd taken his hands in her own and held them tight. "To have Dana's baby here? Every day when I see you two, it reminds me of all the love that she had, the happiness she gave. It keeps her alive, don't you see?" She dropped his hands and turned away, wiping at her eyes. Her next words were barely a whisper. "Don't take that away from me." Mulder never brought it up again. His gaze dropped to his left ring finger, where he absently turned the gold band around and around. Unbelievably, someone at work had recently mentioned to him that perhaps he should think about taking the ring off, getting on with his life. She was a fairly new colleague, someone who hadn't known Dana well, hadn't known their history together. He knew she was trying to be helpful. After a few moments of Mulder staring at her in dumb silence, she had cleared her throat and excused herself. He hadn't meant to be rude. He just couldn't imagine what to say. Was there a polite way to tell her that the only way that ring was coming off was if his arm went with it? Suddenly, he was drawn back to the present by a muffled cry. "Daddy!" Mulder quickly set his cup down and headed up the stairs. "I'm coming, I'm coming..." He opened the door to Beth's bedroom to find her standing there with her arms above her head and her head halfway through the collar of her sweatshirt. He grinned. "What's the matter?" he asked innocently. "Daddy!" Beth cried. "I'm stuck!" "Oh, I see." Mulder leaned down and finished yanking the shirt down over Beth's head. "Better?" "Thanks, Daddy." Beth smoothed her hair out of her face and jumped up on the bed. "Will you tie my shoes? I can't tie too good yet." "Sure," he replied, bending down on one knee. He had one tied and was working on the other when Beth kicked him in the shin. "Ow! Bethie..." "Daddy, look!" she cried excitedly. He followed her small fingers as she pointed to the window. He saw nothing but the same pale green and pink curtains framing a window spattered with tiny fingerprints. "What, honey? I don't see anything." "Look! See the sun shining in like that? Grandma says that's angels watching." Mulder looked again, and this time he saw with the eyes of a five year old. Sunshine was beaming through the window, casting a shimmering stream where dust particles danced and glittered, meeting the floor just a few inches away from them. Beth was mesmerized. "Maybe it's Mama," she whispered. Mulder turned to his daughter and watched her face light up and a small smile spread across her lips. He blinked quickly, eyes wet, but couldn't help feeling the same smile on his face. For a moment he felt it. Felt her again, here, in this house. In this home. "You think so, Bethie?" he asked quietly. Her smile grew wider and she looked at him, then back toward the window. He followed her gaze again, and his heart was lifted just a little. "Oh yes, Daddy," she answered, sounding so certain. "You just have to believe it." There were some truths that could only be proven with the faith of a child. Beth believed. And that was enough for him. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* End Comments to Linda at rn500@ozline.net -- http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Station/2978/